(While I can’t figure out my art style, have another basic vector drawing/featured image)
Good afternoon! I’m going to regret posting this on my blog but hey.. my blog, my rules~
If I’m going to regret, why post? Because, sometimes, you need to scream at a pillow. And there are those rare moments that the best pillow you have is.. your own public blog! I know right? How dreadful to go on and use an open public corner of the web to whine and complain about some first world problems! There are people that dedicate their entire lives to self pitying in the (figurative) public square and, somehow, they earn money out of that. Isn’t that nice? Eh.. I need to start writing about happier and more relatable topics. But in the meantime, here we are!
Patronizing. Oh my.. there will be a few people that are going to twist my words to such a degree that they will take it as a personal jab and injury to their own egos. So, here’s an advise. If you feel this doesn’t apply to you, great, move on with your life! If you feel this applies to you, then it must be for a reason. And you know how it goes, we don’t need to get along with everyone so there is no point in getting upset. The best insult you can give to someone is.. to completely ignore them!
Anyway, disclaimers aside…
Most people have been patronized one way or another. More so, people that belong to specific demographics that host some form of public dissonance. Either someone with a disability, from other nationality or other arbitrary factors that shouldn’t matter that much on someone’s daily life and social interaction with others. Most of all, people should be treated as individuals, with dignity and respect. Unfortunately.. that doesn’t happen all the time and that’s a shame.
Some of you may be wondering, based on that last paragraph, if this means that I’ve suffered from any form of discrimination. I mean, of course I have. Who doesn’t nowadays? I’m not that unique and special when it comes to being discriminated based on something that doesn’t affect anyone but the individual. You don’t need to be part of a “minority” or an “oppressed group” to suffer that type of discrimination. And yes, I’m using quotes since I loathe this type of thinking. My readers know how much I dislike labels and segregation, since I’m an individualist and like to treat everyone as such.. though I am quite keen on criticizing certain ideologies.
You may be wondering if I was beaten, called out on the streets, got glares and so on. Well, the amount of times I was called out have been counted with one hand so.. yes, it’s bad but at least it hurts and scares me on the moment, fearful that the individuals might do more than just one ocasional and random verbal expression of their lack of civility. But then it’s gone and you move on. Because you know those people are merely poorly educated individuals, easily dismissed. Glares? In the past I used to get more of those. Now it mostly comes from certain people who knew me for some time and look at me now. Being physically assaulted or even touched for malicious intends? Never, which is a good thing because this is the worst thing that could ever happen.. obviously!
Nah. We are going to talk about a much more subtler approach to being completely obnoxious. Of course, that of being patronized. That’s what’s been troubling me of late and I’m sure a lot of people can relate to that, no matter who they are and their own backgrounds.
Hopefully, I do not need to describe the act of patronizing someone. Simply put, to patronize means to express a form of sympathy for someone while, at the same time, trying to subtly convey superiority over the victim.
Normally, that leaves the victim in an awkward situation that they cannot easily reprehend the patronizer. Since doing so could easily make the victim someone rude over someone who is “just trying to be nice and helpful”. Or, worst yet, it can create a situation where the people nearby could easily, in spite for the victim’s “outburst”, avoid contact with the victim or even flatter or offer aid to the victim in any other occasion.
So, therefore, usually the safest reaction to someone that patronizes is to smile, thank them and, for future encounters, avoid any significant conversation with said individual… since the victim knows that the patronizer doesn’t actually care that much for the victim. The patronizer only wants to feel good about themselves or to virtue signal those that get to see their “kindness”.
Unfortunately, the patronizers have become the most common form of annoyance in today’s western society. More so than the so called “random and rare bigots on the streets”. My theory as to why is rather simple. It’s a consequence of the modern form of political correctness and the continuous adaptation to the social media’s requirement to get as much approval from the other peers as possible. The current trend, politically speaking, is to be kind to everyone.. specially if they are considered a “minority”. “Minorities” are oppressed so, if you are a good self righteous individual, you might want to share as much cases of oppression towards “minorities” as possible! Bonus points if you actually be-friend someone who is part of said “minority”.
The modern patronizer tends to express their support towards a “minority” or individual that suffers as often as possible. At the same time, if the victim tends to open up about their struggles once in a while, the patronizer is prone to never quite understand what is being said. They will usually paint a picture and make an overall wrong judgement of the victim’s personality and interests, their overall view of the victim is that of an stereotype.
This is easily noticeable when the victim is having a trivial conversation with the patronizer and the patronizer tries to guess what the victim did, said or is thinking in a certain situation. They never get it right, since they don’t bother to actually get to know the victim outside of their struggles and figure out how the victim would act in trivial every day situations.
It is also noticeable when the patronizer tends to exclude the victim in situations that it wouldn’t make sense to create division or segregation. This can be heard and seen, again, in everyday conversation. The patronizer, no matter what, will make sure that the victim knows that they are different from the rest.. despise their need to make sure that the victim and everyone knows that they support the victim.
In some less common cases, they will try to create situations on which they can humiliate the victim. Either subtly or less subtly when in private with the victim or when the victim is not near, in order to avoid confrontation. The patronizer does this by, occasionally, point out the flaws that the victim possesses that the patronizer, on the other hand, doesn’t. Of course, they do this to maintain some form of power and superiority over the victim, since the victim is unable to confront the patronizer without sounding psychotic. After all, the patronizer “supports” the victim, as far as everyone is concerned. If a victim is unable to avoid the patronizer’s influence over them, this tends to frustrate the victim and lower their own self-esteem, which is what some patronizers intend. Though these specific type of patronizers are actually abusive narcissists who are draining the sanity of a victim in order to maintain some superiority that they think they deserve.
So, what is the best way for a victim to break free from a patronizer’s influence?
Well, if you’re a victim of one, you’re in luck! I know a thing or two about these types of people since I still have to deal with some of these occasionally.
But one thing is important to distinguish. Do not mistake an honest compliment or a few words of support for the act of patronizing. Some people are.. not that great when expressing their true intentions. Specially if you are the “first one” they ever met of “some group” or “minority”. The difference is simple, to distinguish a patronizer from someone that genuinely cares. Someone that genuinely cares will treat you like a human being. They will bother to actually get to know you and they will talk about other things that are of common interest, never bringing up the aspects that plagues you. However, they will always be there if you feel the need to occasionally express yourself! They will never try to make you feel outlandish or “exotic”, different. They will try to invite you to their own gatherings, groups, activities. They will try to treat you like any other member of society, like any of their friends. That is the type of support that you want. You don’t want a patronizer, that will always make you feel like you are an alien that needs to be reminded that they are aliens and need to be treated as such.
With that said, here are a few advises from yours truly.
- If you hardly know the person and the individual expresses their support to you, for whatever reason.. thank them but do not try to take steps to be-friend said person. Remain civil, polite and kind but allow the individual to be the one to take the first steps to form any meaningful connection/friendship. From there, it should be easy to know if you are dealing with someone that is honest or a patronizer. It much depends from how they behave from that point forward and what type of conversations they have with you. If they are a patronizer and you want to keep your sanity, remain distant and passively dismiss any attempts to form any meaningful connection/friendship. They will get tired eventually and move on, since they prey on easier to manipulate victims.
- If you know the person and the person turns into a patronizer, be extremely careful if you both share a few friends. The patronizer will try to speak in your behalf and, if you are submissive in nature, you will want to make sure that your common friends know that there are things you don’t agree with the patronizer. Instead of criticizing the patronizer, criticize their ideas without making it personal. Make it clear that the patronizer does not share the same ideals as you and the patronizer will step back gradually. Again, they prey on easier victims. If you show to them that you are strong willed, they will not waste their time trying to patronize you. They might attempt in private to “convert” you to their way of thinking but, if you are stubborn enough, they will let you be. Though always keep a close eye to your common friends and if their behaviors change towards you. If these do, you are not dealing with a mere patronizer, but a sociopath or a narcissist. Or, least worrying, a mere zealot to whatever ideology they stand for.
- If you know the person and the person turns into a patronizer.. but you are confident in your social skills and know how to play the emotional and psychological game.. have fun! Patronizers are society’s modern social leeches. They might think they are better than you (whenever they consciously are aware of their belief or not), but you know, deep down, you are much better than them. Find out why they are trying to patronize you, the passion that drives them to act that way and.. be sure to poke on their insecurities in order to “sedate” that horrendous aspect of their nature. Expose their flaws with dignity by pointing out your own virtues that they do not possess. Remember, they want to feel superior in a world that shames “bigotry”. So, the best way is to show confidence on your own qualities and make sure that you and they are aware of it. Of course, they will try to underplay your qualities while, at the same time, saying that they support you. But this all part of the fun, just keep doing it until they give up! But remember to always keep a close eye on your common friends.. the least you want is to be seen as egocentric, which the patronizer will try to paint you once they get frustrated enough~
And with that, I conclude this blog post, feeling like I’ve made use of one of my emotional pillows. It feels good and I hope that this post has made someone relate to the things I’ve written. Anyone can be a victim of a patronizer. It doesn’t matter what their background is or what is the aspect that they are being patronized about constantly. My advises aren’t flawless, nor is my description of a patronizer. There’s more nuance to what I’ve written.. but I do feel that it is a good summary!
Thank you for reading this and, if you’ve enjoyed this blog post, be sure to browse this website for more! Also remember to subscribe on my social media channels/accounts, share, etc~