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[English and Portuguese] HEY! Watchtower!

(I know this featured image is kinda of a mess but I really enjoyed creating it regardless!) 

(Para quem não sabe ler Inglês, a versão em Português encontra-se no final.)

 

ENGLISH

 

 

Hello everyone. Another African heat wave for this weekend, hope you are taking care of yourselves by staying fresh!

Speaking of heat, today’s topic is no other than our beloved cult, the Jehovah Witnesses! Let’s get started right away because my fingers are eager to release what’s going on in my mind and how naughty and cruel some Jehovah Witnesses have been. In short, it’s time to expose and express!

 

As some of my readers are well aware, I have been officially “disfellowshipped” for nearly a year and a half. If you are unaware of what that exactly means, I have wrote a few blog posts about it. This is not the blog post to define and reinforce expressions and aspects of my experience with this cult that I have already done so on other posts! If you somehow get confused and you don’t seem to understand what I’m going to write here.. it’s easy. Go read those other blog posts.

 

As people are also aware, despise being “disfellowshipped”, I am still allowed to live with my parents. The elders in my parents’ new congregation are aware of that and they don’t advise or pressure them to abandon me. In fact, quite the opposite! The reason is obvious. I lack the necessary income to live on my own and I’m doing my transition.. so I can’t be on my own and need to live with someone in the meantime. Plus, my parents love me too much to just.. abandon me.

Obviously, I am very grateful that they have moved to another congregation which, fortunately, have elders who are more kind and merciful. They did the right thing when they changed congregations after I was “disfellowshipped”, since the local congregation on which I and my family belonged.. is quite toxic (even for Jehovah Witnesses’ standards). That also includes most of the congregations that reunite in the same kingdom hall; who share the same petty, gossiper and judgmental mentality. In this new congregation, however, they now go to another kingdom hall entirely. And from what I’ve heard, the Jehovah Witnesses there are much nicer people. I’m quite glad and pleased to know that, I hope my parents are happier there (and from what I can tell, they are)!

 

However, there has been something that has been annoying me of late. Annoying me? Perhaps it’s best to say that I don’t remember being this annoyed over someone or some group since my teenage years and the usual school dramas! It could be because of my current “pseudo puberty”, I won’t exclude that explanation as to why there’s a certain need to expose and do something about this injustice.

 

To better explain what’s causing this anger within, it’s best to keep in mind as to what being “disfellowshipped” actually means and translates to my daily life. It means that Jehovah Witnesses can’t talk to me, that I lost every contact with them. All my friends, that are Jehovah Witnesses, are gone from my life; without a proper farewell.

Just that by itself, knowing that their reasoning for “disfellowshipping” me is quite pathetic and incredibly ignorant (I got “disfellowshipped” because I decided to transition.. basically), should be enough to make most people’s hearts turn sour and bitter. Fortunately, given that I still have my family, I got fairly used to the idea that most of those people no longer talk to me. Like I’ve said on another topic, the only people that I dearly miss from this cult.. are that one family I met in the United States. Besides that, I really don’t care that much. It’s their lost, not mine.

Some people might think this approach is quite cold and that I don’t really attach myself to every person in my life that easily. That some people are easily forgotten, that will never be missed.. even though they have been in my life for a long time. I honestly don’t attach myself to every person in my life, nor do I get bitter enough to the point of hating those who do me wrong. Hate is a strong word that I try to avoid and, even when I use it sometimes (as I did once on this blog not so long ago), it’s mostly me venting a frustration and a way to inform people that they have done (or are doing) something terrible and utterly despicable.

I don’t have time to hate people. I blandly ignore their existence (if I can) and move on with my life. So, in a way, the fact that Jehovah Witnesses are supposed to ignore my existence is, by itself, not wrong in my eyes. What is wrong is the excuse as to why they are doing so and demanding that every member of the cult to do so as well.

But, like I said, I got used to it. As long people don’t remind me of those that I really miss, I lead a “mostly normal” life and don’t think about these things at all! Why bother? I have more things to think about. My family, my (true) friends, my job, my transition, my hobbies, my future, etc..

 

 

But now I’m actually angry. I’m mad. And I’ll explain why.

It has come to my attention that these local Jehovah Witnesses, from the same kingdom hall where the local congregations reunite (as in, not my parents’ new congregation and kingdom hall), have been, bluntly put, talking shit about me and my family.

Alright, so let me get this straight:

  • You “disfellowship” me. 
  • You can’t talk to me, I can’t talk to you. Harsh but alright, if that makes you happy.. sure.
  • If I say anything “bad” or that goes against your believes, I’m an apostate. Okay.. sure.
  • But you are free to gossip and slander me and my family’s name across the globe.

Okay, now you are just pushing your luck and the boundaries of what I find acceptable or, at least, bearable!

Listen here, you cultists. I am fairly aware that you are, indeed, slandering me across the globe. I know that as a fact since people from (quite almost literally, no joke or exageration) on the other side of the world, have came to me out of nowhere, to talk to me and, among other things that we’ve talked about, they have said that they have heard things about me.. from YOU. Bad things, though they didn’t went to specifics as to what exactly or who said it.. except “the local Jehovah Witnesses“. Fortunately, these people were kind enough to warn me about it and they did say they didn’t enjoyed hearing my name being slandered like that.. which is why they’ve talked to me. How ironic, that these Jehovah Witnesses, from the other side of the globe, came to talk to me about how terrible you troublesome fools are!

I ask, is there a need to spread your poison, about me in specific, to another continent?! These people would never likely interact with me ever again anyway, given how unlikely that would be (they live on another continent, they are Jehovah Witnesses, I’m “disfellowshipped”. The odds were incredibly low). Why did they need to be tainted by your venom? Tell me, you cultists, is there a need to slander me this hard all the way to another continent with an entire opposite timezone?

 

You know why you are incredibly comfortable being this shitty? Because you believe to be justified, self righteous. That being this petty and scummy is fine when you do it, because “god is on your side”. And because you know the moment I decide to open my mouth publicly about your cult.. you are going to label me as an apostate and those slanders will become more believable to the gullible!

And you KNOW I can’t really do that at the moment, because if I do open my mouth, my family is going to be pressured by the elders to.. abandon me. Since I would be labeled as an “apostate”. And that would ruin my livelihood. You manipulative assholes!

 

By the way, what’s with this gossiping that I’ve heard about you telling each others that my family is now “less spiritual” or “spiritually weak” because they have me around the house?

Let me tell you something, my lovely local cultists. Even for Jehovah Witnesses standards, you were always terrible. Which is why, even when I was devoted to your cult, I never liked spending time with you. It’s not because I was different, or because I was spiritually weak or whatever silly thought you may have in your indoctrinated brain. It was because you (local cultists) were the most toxic pieces of flesh I have ever had the misfortune of dealing with! And I have dealt with a lot of trash in my life, including schizophrenic radical vegan feminist sociopaths!

Fortunately, my parents are mature and know better, thus ignore those slanders. They turn the other cheek. Because they are good Jehovah Witnesses. So yes, by the use of your own meaningless buzzwords and immaturity, my parents are and will always be “more spiritual” than you, local cultists. Take that as you will and get mad for all I care, because reality doesn’t care for your feelings. Also, fortunately, they are in a new congregation that appears to be “more spiritual” than yours. So what are you going to do? Spread your venom there? I would love to see you try, you cretins.

 

 

Hmm.. but you know what? You actually got me truly disturbed and upset!

No.. you crossed the line of what’s acceptable. And you crossed the line of what is tolerable. And you crossed the line of what is bearable!

You have become.. insufferable. And not many people get this.. far.

Like I’ve said earlier, I usually just ignore people’s existence when they hurt me long enough. That usually helps and makes those same people go away from my life eventually. Because they either give up or they understand that I don’t want them in my life and also step back.

But you, you are different. I thought that, when you “disfellowshipped” me, there would be silence. I no longer had to think about your existence, or to endure your negativity. To tolerate your tomfoolery. You were mostly gone and that made things easy for me to move on.

 

You just can’t get away from me, can you? You have to still influence my life one way or another, the people around me. And that’s why you’ll become relevant enough to the point that I’m thinking of biting back! Because I cannot stay idle for too long. It is incredibly difficult for people to actually get me this upset, disturbed and angry over something or someone! And.. what can I say? You reached it. You’ve done it. And I’m going to do something about it!

Do you actually believe writing these blog posts is the worst I can do? No, these blog posts provide entertainment, a way to vent my frustrations and to share my thoughts with the world. In short, this website is my public pillow. I have no shame in that, in sharing what I share. It’s incredibly liberating, in fact! It’s a diary, it’s fun to look back and read some of the things I wrote!

 

 

Oh no, dear cultists.. once I’m ready to do so, you’ll hear it from me. It may take a while.. but you’ll hear it and you are not going to like it.

I’ll wait a few months, wait for my life to become more stable. Plan ahead, cool down my anger and try to rationalize and form coherent thoughts and ideas. I don’t think this is the best time of my life to go around and expose your cult for what it truly is. But once everything is settled, I will do so.

And while you wait, make sure you clean your own house from the pedophiles you have hiding in your basement before you try to slander people whose only crime was existing and have the misfortune of having a disforia. It’s incredibly hypocritical and embarrassing..

 

 

 

PORTUGUÊS

 

Olá a todos. Outra onda de calor vinda de África para este fim de semana, espero que estejam a cuidar de vocês mesmos por se manterem frescos!

Por falar de coisas quentes, o tópico de hoje não será nada mais e nada menos que o nosso culto favorito, as Testemunhas de Jeová! Sem muitas mais introduções, iremos começar já por falar desse tópico visto que os meus dedos estão empolgados por descrever o que está a acontecer na minha mente e como algumas Testemunhas de Jeová tem sido mázinhas e cruéis. Por poucas palavras, está na altura de expor e expressar alguns problemas!

 

Como alguns dos meus followers estão bem conscientes, e fui oficialmente “desassociada” já faz quase um ano e meio. Se não souberem o que isso significa, Eu escrevi alguns blog posts que falam acerca disso. Este não é um blog post onde irei definir ou reforçar expressões e aspectos da minha experiência de vida com este culto pelo qual já o fiz noutros posts! Se ficarem confusos e não tiverem capacidade para entender o que irei descrever aqui.. é fácil. Apenas têm de ler os outros blog posts.

 

Como as pessoas também devem de saber, apesar da minha “desassociação”, eu ainda tenho permissão de viver na casa dos meus pais. Os anciãos da nova congregação dos meus pais estão bem conscientes disso e não aconselham ou pressionam eles para me abandonarem. Pelo contrário! A razão é óbvia. Eu não ganho o suficiente para viver por minha conta de forma independente e estou num processo de transição.. portanto não posso mesmo estar por minha conta e dependo de outros para viver a minha vida por enquanto. Ainda mais, os meus pais amam-me muito e nunca me iriam.. abandonar-me sem mais nem menos.

Obviamente, estou muito grata de que eles mudaram de congregação que, felizmente, tem anciãos que são muito mais amorosos e sensatos. Eles fizerem bem quando decidiram mudar de congregação logo após a minha “desassociação”, visto que a congregação local onde eu e a minha família pertencíamos.. é bastante tóxica (mesmo dentro dos padrões e expectativas das Testemunhas de Jeová). Isso também incluí muitas das congregações que se reúnem no mesmo salão do reino; que partilham o mesmo comportamento mesquinho, fofoquice e julgamenteiros. Nesta nova congregação, por outro lado, eles estão num novo salão de reino. E pelo o que eu ouvi, as Testemunhas de Jeová lá são muito mais simpáticas. Estou feliz e grata por saber disso, e espero que os meus pais sejam muito felizes lá (e pelo o que posso presenciar, eu sei que estão)!

 

No entanto, existe algo que me tem deixado indignada ultimamente. Indignada? Se calhar é melhor expressar de que eu não me lembro de alguma vez estar assim tão chateada com alguém ou grupo desde a minha adolescência e a vida escolar! Pode ser devido à minha “puberdade forçada”, não vou excluir essa hipótese de ser a razão desta vontade de expor e de querer fazer algo perante esta injustiça.

 

Para explicar melhor o que está a causar esta fúria, é melhor ter em mente o que significa estar “desassociada” e como isso se traduz na minha vida diária. Significa que as Testemunhas de Jeová não podem falar comigo, que perdi todo o contacto com elas. Todas as minhas amizades, que são Testemunhas de Jeová, já não fazem parte da minha vida; sem tempo nem mesmo para despedir deles.

Só isso por si, sabendo que o raciocínio por detrás da minha “desassociação” é bastante patético e ignorante (eu fui “desassociada” devido à minha transição.. basicamente), seria o suficiente para fazer os corações de algumas pessoas ficar amargo e desgostoso. Felizmente, visto ainda ter a minha família por perto, eu fiquei habituada a essa realidade. Como disse noutro tópico, as únicas pessoas que eu sinto mesmo falta que pertencem a este culto.. é aquela família que conheci nos Estados Unidos. Para além disso, eu não estou assim tão transtornada. Eles é que ficaram a perder, não eu.

Algumas pessoas poderão pensar que esta forma de estar na vida é bastante fria e que eu não me apego às pessoas com tanta facilidade. De que algumas pessoas são fáceis de esquecer, que nunca sentirei falta delas.. mesmo apesar de estarem na minha vida durante muito tempo. Eu sinceramente não me apego a todas as pessoas na minha vida, nem fico com rancor suficiente ao ponto de as odiar quando fazem algo de mal. O ódio é algo forte que eu tento sempre evitar e, mesmo quando uso essa palavra por vezes (como o fiz num post não muito longínquo), é mais uma forma de transbordar a minha frustração e uma forma de informar as pessoas de que elas fizeram (ou continuam a fazer) algo muito terrível ou completamente horrendo.

Eu não tenho tempo nem paciência para odiar de verdade alguma pessoa. Eu apenas ignoro a existência delas (quanto possível) e sigo em frente com a minha vida. Por isso, de certa forma, o facto das Testemunhas de Jeová terem que ignorar a minha existência não é, por si mesmo, mau no meu ponto de vista. O que é mau é a razão de estarem a fazer isso e esperarem que toda a gente do culto faço exactamente o mesmo.

Mas, como disse, eu habituei-me a essa realidade. Desde que as pessoas não me façam relembrar daquilo que sinto mesmo falta, eu consigo ter uma vida “dentro da normalidade” e nem penso muito nessas coisas! Porque razão iria eu? Tenho mais coisas que pensar e preocupar. Na minha família, nas minhas (verdadeiras) amizades, o meu trabalho, os meus passatempos, o meu futuro, etc..

 

 

Mas agora estou mesmo zangada. Estou furiosa. E irei explicar porquê.

Chegou à minha atenção de que estas Testemunhas de Jeová locais, do mesmo salão do reino onde a congregação local se reúne (por outras palavras, não na nova congregação e salão do reino onde os meus pais agora pertencem), estão, de forma directa e rude, a dizer merda acerca de mim e da minha família.

Portanto, a ver se eu percebi bem:

  • Vocês “desassociaram-me”. 
  • Vocês não podem falar comigo, eu não posso falar com vocês. Doloroso mas tudo bem, se vos faz sentir felizes.. continuem.
  • Se eu abrir a boca e falar “mal” ou dizer algo que vai contra as vossas crenças, sou apóstata. Okay.. interessante.
  • Mas vocês estão livres de criar fofoquices e de caluniar a mim e ao nome da minha família pelos cantos do mundo.

Okay, agora sim estão a abusar com a vossa sorte e os limites daquilo que eu acho aceitável ou pelo menos, suportável!

Oiçam-me bem, seus cultistas. Eu tenho consciência plena que vocês, sem dúvida, estão a caluniar-me nos cantinhos do mundo. Eu sei disso como facto absoluto porque houve pessoas que (quase literalmente de forma plena, sem exageros) vivem no outro lado do mundo, que falaram comigo do nada e, das várias coisas que falámos, eles expressaram que ouviram coisas com respeito a mim.. de VOCÊS. Coisas ruins, apesar de não me terem dito o quê e quem em específico.. excepto “as Testemunhas de Jeová na localidade”. Felizmente, estas pessoas foram simpáticas o suficiente para me avisar com respeito a isso e disseram que não gostaram nada das calúnias que foram ditas contra mim.. sendo uma das razões pelo qual falaram comigo. Que irónico, que estas Testemunhas de Jeová, do outro lado do mundo, vieram falar comigo acerca do quão horríveis e problemáticos vocês, como tolos, são!

Eu pergunto, existe mesmo necessidade de espalharem o vosso veneno, acerca de mim em específico, a um outro continente?! Estas pessoas nunca iriam interagir comigo de qualquer forma, seria muito improvável isso acontecer (eles vivem num outro continente, são Testemunhas de Jeová, estou “desassociada”. A probabilidade era minúscula). Porque razão eles precisavam ficar envenenados com o vosso veneno? Digam-me, seus cultistas de meia-leca, existe alguma necessidade de caluniar-me desta forma tão agressiva para o outro lado do mundo com um horário quase oposto ao nosso?

 

Sabem porque razão vocês sentem-se tão confortáveis apesar de serem tão repugnantes? Porque vocês acreditam que o vosso comportamento é justificável, seus hipócritas. Que serem tão mesquinhos e reles faz sentido quando são vocês a sê-lo, porque “deus está no vosso lado”. E porque sabem que, no momento que eu decidir abrir a minha boca e informar o público com respeito ao vosso culto.. vocês vão me acusar de ser apóstata e as vossas calúnias vão ser mais fáceis de serem engolidas pelos incrédulos!

E vocês SABEM que eu não posso fazer isso neste momento, porque se eu abrir a minha boca, a minha família vai ser pressionada pelos anciãos para.. me abandonarem. Porque seria acusada de “apóstata”. E isso iria arruinar a minha vida. Seus manipuladores de merda!

 

Já agora, o que é isto de estarem a dizer entre vocês de que a minha família agora é “menos espiritual” ou “fraca espiritualmente” só porque estou na casa deles?

Deixem que eu vos diga uma coisa, meus queridos cultistas locais. Mesmo dentro dos padrões de moral das Testemunhas de Jeová, vocês foram sempre terríveis. Essa é a razão porque, mesmo quando acreditava e estava zelosa no culto, eu nunca gostei de estar com vocês. Não porque era diferente, ou porque era espiritualmente fraca ou seja lá qual a razão estúpida que vocês poderão estar a pensar dentro da vossa mente doutrinada. Era porque vocês (cultistas locais) foram os pedaços de carne mais tóxicos que alguma vez tive a infelicidade de conviver! E eu já lidei com muito lixo humano na minha vida, incluindo vegans feministas radicais esquizofrênicos sóciopatas!

Felizmente, os meus pais são maturos e melhores pessoas, logo são capazes de ignorar essas calúnias. Eles viram a face a esses comportamentos. Porque são boas Testemunhas de Jeová. Portanto sim, utilizando as mesmas palavras imaturas e insignificantes que vocês mesmos usam, os meus pais são e continuarão a ser sempre “mais espirituais” que vocês, cultistas locais. Podem encarar essas palavras da forma como quiserem e ficarem zangados comigo, não me interessa. A realidade não se interessa pelos vossos sentimentos. E, felizmente, os meus pais estão numa nova congregação que aparenta ser “mais espiritual” que a vossa. O que vão fazer perante isso? Tentar espalhar o vosso veneno para lá? Gostaria de ver vocês a tentarem, seus cretinos.

 

 

Hmm.. mas sabem que mais? Vocês verdadeiramente me chatearam agora!

Não.. vocês ultrapassaram a linha do que é aceitável. Do que é tolerável. Do que é suportável!

Vocês se tornaram.. insuportáveis. E muitas pessoas não conseguem chegar a esse.. ponto.

Como disse antes, eu normalmente apenas ignoro a existência das pessoas que me maltratam durante algum tempo. Isso costuma ajudar e faz com que essas mesmas pessoas depois sigam em frente e continuem com as suas vidas longe da minha. Porque eles desistem ou compreendem que eu não as quero na minha vida e por isso também acabam por se manterem longe.

Mas vocês, vocês são diferentes. Eu pensei que, quando fosse “desassociada”, existiria silêncio. Nunca mais teria que pensar em vocês, de suportar a vossa negatividade. De tolerar as vossas criancices. Vocês estiveram bem longe e isso fez com que as coisas fossem mais fáceis para mim seguir em frente.

 

Vocês não conseguem seguir em frente sem mim, pois não? Vocês ainda conseguem influenciar a minha vida de uma maneira ou de outra, as pessoas à minha volta. E é por isso que vocês estão a se tornar relevantes o suficiente para fazerem-me pensar que vos tenho de pagar algo de volta! Porque não posso ignorar estas questões por muito tempo. É incrivelmente difícil as pessoas fazerem-me sentir tão zangada, transtornada e chateada contra uma pessoa ou algo! Mas.. o que mais posso dizer? Vocês chegaram a esse ponto. Vocês causaram isto. E eu vou fazer algo com respeito a isso!

Vocês acreditam mesmo que escrever estes posts de blog é o pior que posso fazer? Não, estes blog posts providenciam entretenimento, uma forma de fluir as frustrações que sinto e de partilhar algumas ideas com o mundo. Em poucas palavras, este site é a minha almofada pública. Eu não tenho vergonha disso, de partilhar o que partilho. É incrivelmente libertador! É um diário, é divertido olhar para trás e ler algumas coisas que escrevi antes!

 

 

Oh não, meus queridos cultistas.. assim que estiver pronta para tal, vocês vão ouvir de mim. Poderá demorar algum tempo.. mas vocês irão ouvir-me e não irão gostar do que irei dizer.

Irei esperar alguns meses, esperar que a minha vida se torne mais estável. Planear bem, ficar mais calma e tentar racionalizar e formar ideas e pensamentos mais coerentes. Eu não acho que esta seja a melhor altura da minha vida para expor ao mundo acerca do que o vosso culto realmente é. Mas assim que a minha vida ficar estável, eu irei fazer isso.

E enquanto esperam, por favor tenham a certeza de que limparam bem a vossa casa de todos os pedófilos que têm escondido dentro das vossas caves antes de tentarem caluniar as pessoas pelo qual o único crime que cometeram foi de meramente existirem e de terem uma disforia. É incrivelmente hipócrita e embaraçoso..

Pages:

Jehovah Witnesses – Just another Cult

(This is one hell of a flawed featured image. I just really want to write and not lose too much time)

 

Good afternoon, dear readers!

This blog post has the goal to explain and to bring awareness to the people that lack knowledge about this religion and has to why it is a Christian Cult. I will try to leave aside my personal grudges and biases into this post and write what I know about this very specific cult, based on my experience and from what I’ve heard of other people.

 

But before I get to write this post, recognizing that some people that read my posts are unable to understand English and that I apologize for not translating every post that I make on my website, I would like to talk openly to a few people about the last post I’ve made about my Transition.

When I wrote that post, I was aware that there are a few people that read those posts. The same way that I’m aware that some won’t, despise the fact that I know some of them are going to ask about my transition once I face them.. even though they are on my social media circles and could easily read those specific posts. After all, that’s why I share them on my Personal Facebook.. so that I don’t have to talk to everyone about everything. And that is perfectly fine, people are busy with their lives and may lack time to read such giant walls of text on the go!

However, with that specific post, I have noticed just how large and influential those posts can be to some people. After I wrote that post and shared it, there were a good number of people that talked to me in private by the use of Facebook’s Messenger. They’ve exposed their feelings to me about what I wrote and all I can say that the response has been all positive and touching!

I do feel kinda guilty however for not giving the necessary attention to every single person that approached me during this week. I work during the week and, when I’m not working, I do spend some time to maintain my appearance (I know.. I’m vain and I spend a lot of time on that but it is something that I like and need to do!). Which allows me to have 1-3 hours per day to do what I want during workdays. And usually, during those days, in general, I’m already somehow tired and, though I do still answer people and am aware of the things being said, I may not give the necessary attention and care that I know I should provide to the people that have approached me in private, worried and exposing their own problems to express their empathy. I am sorry. I am far more free and approachable on weekends though!

The people that I knew would approach me, did. The people that I didn’t expect to approach me.. didn’t (though clearly, there was an impact even to the silent ones since I’m very aware there are a few silent ones that do read my posts either way. Their subtle change of behaviors is enough to prove it). However, there were a few people that did surprised me and approached me.. including someone that I haven’t talked to for more or less 7 years. I’m very glad that this person did, though I do admit that it was very out of the blue and completely off my wildest predictions!

And yes, there were also a few of “those” that I predicted that would ignore that post and.. well, try to “support” me in their own way shortly afterwards. That was genuinely funny, but I’ve held my pride and ignored their attempt. I feel it’s time to take a stance against those type of people. I don’t need your crumbled pieces of bread, go away with dignity please? We all know your “aid” is temporary and you are going to wound me sooner or later. And right now, I can’t allow myself to be exposed to such recklessness from those who feel the need to do their “charity”. Take your “charity” to the puppies and kittens out there without a home or to those that suffered from the fire at Pedrogão Grande. You can go ahead and wave your virtue signaling there, for your cheap and instant gratification dose of “I’m helping”. Because on those cases, though you are doing so for your own egos, at least it helps someone regardless!

All in all, I do really appreciate those that did approached me in private to talk to me about what I’ve posted and shown genuine concern, exposing their own experiences as a way to show empathy. To also that one person that talked to me after all those years! To the family members that I haven’t also talked to in years. To the few local neighbors (they too read) that tried to arrange a place where we could talk and have some coffee. This is the kind of aid that I love, given by everyday people that, too, have suffered in their own way and, though the experiences aren’t similar, the feelings can be understood.. if even not relatable (because who said that you need to have the same exact experience to feel the same emotions?)! Because this is what makes me feel that I’m not that unique and special, that cannot be understood. It makes me feel.. human, like everyone else and not some special unicorn that can only empathize with other special unicorns.

It’s.. funny. How some people celebrate and make sure that everyone knows that they are different from everyone else.. and I’m here, writing in the walls, saying “why did I had to be so different and unique, why couldn’t I just had a simpler life”.

Thank you! 🙂

After that initial sidetrack, I would like to expose the reason as to why I’m writing this blog post in specific. Some people have somehow questioned me about this cult that I was born in and was part of my childhood and even early 20’s. Clearly there is some misconceptions about this cult, given that it is easily seen as just another religion. Since that most of the cult’s behavior remains hidden to those who are not part of it.

And it makes sense. The people that belong to that cult do give the overall impression that they are impeccable people. Overall nice, the model citizen that does no wrong. Saints among the crowd. No one is a saint and this cult is not just yet another Christian religion whose only quirk is that they bother you on the streets or knock on your doors to talk about the one true savior. And that their major controversy is blood transfusions.

No. This blog post is to give awareness as to why this religion is, in fact, a very well successful and large world wide CULT.

 

 

First of, let us define the word “Cult”. What is, exactly, a cult?

Many people would define a cult as a small group of religious people that isn’t large or popular enough to be considered a religion. Others hold the belief that a cult is one of those problematic religions that commit mass suicide or hold strange rituals in some abandoned distant area. Others still insist that a cult is a group of people that, stereo typically, wear the same robes, mumble the same words and lose their own self of identity.. like a hive mind that gave up on their previous lives to worship an unorthodox deity or the antagonist of the perceived Maker of the universe (bonus points if they have a creepy stare and hold candles while mumbling broken Latin).

There are other people who have a broader definition for the word “Cult”. That cult can be used in sports, politics or just about anything on which can gather enough people to form a very restrictive echochamber that demonizes the opposition and isn’t open for debate. In short, a more dangerous form of Tribalism.

For me, a Cult is (as I’ve read and find to be more precise and rational than most other definitions I’ve heard) a group of people that met the following criteria:

  • A clear and established hierarchy within the group that disregards outside influences and societal norms and rules that go against the group’s ideology;
  • Complete and total obedience to the very same hierarchy;
  • Communication and forming contacts outside of the social group is frown upon (if not punished);
  • Different opinions and ideas within the group are frown upon (if not punished);
  • Specific ranks within the hierarchy have the power to influence and supervise their members’ personal life; including their friends, families and sexual activities (and are the ones that can judge);
  • Make their members believe that everyone outside of the group is morally reprehensible and should never be fully trusted with anything;
  • Inflict paranoia and “purity tests” within their own group over everyone, including their own;
  • Ask for their members to give everything they have for the group and, if they do not comply, emotionally manipulate them to feel tremendous guilt over their lack of complete devotion;
  • Demonize every member that decides to separate themselves from the group (if not punished);
  • Teach their members to constantly monitorize and punish themselves over their own actions, words and thoughts to better fit the mindset of the group without the need of other members to do so;
  • The need to recruit more members to the group and indoctrinate their own children (while they are still young and easy to mold to the group’s best interest);
  • Inform everyone that their group is the only one that holds the truth and the only path to true happiness;
  • Everything that contradicts the group’s views is inherently wrong and evil. Researching literature or to consider information from the outside is extremely discouraged and frown upon (if not punished);
  • (Optional but also a sign) The group has a strange obsession over money and material possession;

All in all, a cult is a totalitarian delusional paranoid closed hive mind group that completely antagonizes everyone and everything outside of it. Yes, it sounds awfully crude but it can be applied not only to religion, but even politics, sports, fandom, nationality, etc.

With the criteria exposed, I’ll now present my case as to why the Jehovah Witnesses are, indeed, a successful yet extremely harmful cult.

 

 

A clear and established hierarchy within the group that disregards outside influences and societal norms and rules that go against the group’s ideology

The Jehovah Witnesses have made it clear time and time again that they are, in fact, a theocracy. As such, given that they are Christians, God (which they call Jehovah since that’s the name they have established to be the easiest yet accurate translation of YHWH) is the absolute ruler of their religion. They use their own translated version of the bible as their guide.

However, the most powerful men in this Christian cult, who are the ones that receive direct order and guidance from Jehovah, is no other than the Governing Body. As of currently, if I’m not mistaken, it is composed of seven men. These men lead the Watchtower (Watchtower Bible and Tract Society); and these lead and make all the necessary adjustments to their own cult’s ideology.

Bellow the Governing Body, you have other ranks. One rank always above the other. However, if you are an average Jehovah Witness, you’ll, at best, only have to deal with those within a congregation (a specific location where a specific group of people regularly meet in a Kingdom Hall for their meetings). From there, you have the Elders and, right bellow, the Ministerial Servants. Right bellow, you have those who are Baptized. Even bellow, those that Preach. You become a Student once you decide to study the bible with a Jehovah Witness.

When you study the bible with a Jehovah Witness, the hierarchy becomes clearer. You learn that there are those you have to respect, to listen. Because they are, though imperfect humans, chosen by God and automatically know better than you. And their knowledge, which they claim to come from God itself given that they use their own interpretation of the bible, must be obeyed.. even if it goes against the law or societal norms (Acts 5:27-32).

Clearly, the Jehovah Witnesses must respect and fully obey their hierarchy, above any form of government or status quo. However, when there is no contradiction between Watchtower’s teachings, they are told to obey Cesar (Mark 12:13-17). But once there is a contradiction, they are told to obey God at all costs.. even if that means losing their own lives (or, in other words, Watchtower’s interpretation of what is right or wrong which they say to be based on the bible).

 

Complete and total obedience to the very same hierarchy

Given that the Jehovah Witnesses believe that Watchtower (the Governing Body) are the only representatives and direct link between God’s will and humanity. Given that they are told to obey at all costs, even against any form of government or group. It is to no surprise that Watchtower does indeed expect complete and total obedience from their Witnesses.

To make things worse, if a Witness does not do so, they are punished for their actions or words. The worst penalty that Watchtower can give to a Witness is what they call “Disfellowshipping”, which means that those who have been disfellowshipped need to be shunned by every other Witness (including friends and, most of the time, even family). Witnesses must not talk to a disfellowshipped, engage with them, befriend them. Unless for business related encounters. Given that Watchtower tries to supervise most interactions that their Witnesses do and the constant paranoia among their members, shunning is immediate and almost every Witness will, without a doubt, shun the dissociate at every moment (Romans 16: 17, 18 and 1 Corinthians 5:11-13).

This form of excommunication is defended by Watchtower as an act of kindness, to keep the cult “clean from impurity” and, as an act of love, it is a punishment that the dissociate must meditate and, Watchtower hopes, will bring them back to their cult. And, thus, they are able to keep their members’ complete obedience.. even if some of their members do so with the fear that, if they do not, they too will be disfellowshipped and destroyed in Armageddon (by God’s hand).

 

Communication and forming contacts outside of the social group is frown upon (if not punished)

From the cult’s perspective, the whole world is wicked.. except for those that follow God’s word (1 John 5:19 and 1 John 2:15, 16). It is wicked, given that they believe that it is ruled by Satan (2 Corinthians 4:4). By their logic to not associate themselves with “bad associations” (1 Corinthians 15:33), it becomes clear that creating contact with those who are “worldly people” (as in, non-Jehovah Witnesses) is frowned upon.

The more obvious it becomes to the rest of the Witnesses that a member of the cult spends a large amount of time with “worldly people”, the risk of the Elders to act upon it rises and the more they will try to inflict guilt to this specific member. If they believe the member is no longer as “pure” as they were, they may be punished; by the removal of privileges and, in some cases, even disfellowshipping their cult member. All that it takes to keep control over their Witness.

To add more to the subconscious of a Witness, they may be told that it is pointless to pursue a deeper relationship with “worldly people” given that they will be destroyed in Armageddon (Psalm 92:7) either way. That it is better to invest more time in the activities and other members of the cult.

 

Different opinions and ideas within the group are frown upon (if not punished)

The hierarchy within the cult makes it clear that the only acceptable truth (knowledge) is which originates from the top. In short, only Watchtower (Governing Body) is allowed to interpret the bible and come to the conclusions or make changes to the Jehovah Witnesses’ doctrines (ideology).

Given the nature of the cult, to shun those who deviate from the cult’s teachings; it is no wonder that any opinion and idea held by one or more individuals, that is slightly different, is quite frown upon. If this opinion and idea is wildly spread, the individual(s) are labeled as Apostates (2 Peter 2: 1-3), irrational men and women that deserve to be killed in Armageddon (Jude 8-11). Obviously, these cult members are going to be disfellowshipped.

 

Specific ranks within the hierarchy have the power to influence and supervise their members’ personal life; including their friends, families and sexual activities (and are the ones that can judge)

The controlling and protective nature of this cult is evident once an individual starts to take a more active role within the local congregation. Within the congregation, the Elders and Ministerial Servants are those who serve as Watchtower’s loyal judges and helpers. Or, as they call it, shepherds (1 Peter 5:1-3).

Specifically, it is the Elders that decide and supervise all the actions of the members of their local congregation. Including their interactions with others, words, friends, family, personal life, sexual activities.. anything that is revealed to the Elders. This is done so in order to keep the cult “clean from wrongdoers” and to inflict guilt or to punish their sheep into obedience.

Within the culture of the cult, other non-elder Witnesses (which includes family members) have the duty to warn the Elders if they learn that someone is misbehaving (Leviticus 5:1 and 1 John 5:16, 17). As such, the cult is effective at keeping control over their followers and to act immediately once an individual deviates from the ideology.

 

Make their members believe that everyone outside of the group is morally reprehensible and should never be fully trusted with anything

As said earlier, the whole world is lying in the power of the wicked one (1 John 5:19). Satan controls it (2 Corinthians 4:4). “Bad associations” are to be avoided (1 Corinthians 15:33). These will be destroyed (Psalm 92:7). The world hates the Jehovah Witnesses (John 15:18, 19).

Thus, with such interpretations of the bible, the paranoia is settled and their members are told to be “apart from the world” (John 17:14). “Worldly people” are never to be fully trusted, since Witnesses are told that the “world is wicked” and hates them deep down.

 

Inflict paranoia and “purity tests” within their own group over everyone, including their own

To top it all, Jehovah Witnesses are told that there are wolves among their own (Matthew 7:15-20). And, as such, they even judge their own heavily. Fearful that, not only the world hates them.. but also there are those among them that also hate them just as much. Nothing needs to be said more.

 

Ask for their members to give everything they have for the group and, if they do not comply, emotionally manipulate them to feel tremendous guilt over their lack of complete devotion

Within the cult, their members are told to always place “God’s Kingdom” in first place, above all (Matthew 6:33). Among several aspects of one’s life; a career/job becomes secondary for, otherwise, it may get in a member’s way to reach the ultimate goal (Mark 10:17-23).

Through out a member’s life as a Witness, they are given examples of those who have given their all for “God’s Kingdom” (Watchtower), including real life cases of those who were unfortunate but still managed to attend every meeting and invested entire days of their life preaching. Biblical characters are also reminded now and then (Philippians 2:19-22).

Jehovah Witnesses are told to not compare themselves to others (Romans 14:10-12), this, by itself, does not relief the paranoia and the culture that is built around “purity” and suspicion among each others (1 John 5:16, 17). Thus both of these doctrines contradict each other, as one tells to look for the “wolves” among them and be a witness to one’s actions and words (to judge others, in short) and the other tells to not be harsh on their judgement towards their own. There is a rather thin and not a very clear line to what is deemed as being naive or too judgmental.

Given the constant pressure by the peers, a member of the cult is left with a feeling that they are not doing enough. Not perfect enough. That they haven’t sacrificed enough and aren’t, truly, placing “God’s Kingdom” first in their lives.

 

Demonize every member that decides to separate themselves from the group (if not punished)

As mentioned several times, shunning is the ultimate punishment that a Jehovah Witness can suffer. The only thing that is worst than a “disfellowshipped”, is being labeled as an apostate. An apostate, according to the cult, is someone that does not speak lightly of Watchtower’s teachings and doctrines (2 Peter 2: 1-3). These will surely be destroyed in Armageddon (Jude 8-11).

“Disfellowshipped” members and apostates are, without a doubt, demonized by the cult (Romans 16: 17, 18 and 1 Corinthians 5:11-13).

 

Teach their members to constantly monitorize and punish themselves over their own actions, words and thoughts to better fit the mindset of the group without the need of other members to do so

Witnesses are told to avoid listening and pay attention to their hearts’ desires (Proverbs 28:26) and that they, themselves, cannot rationalize and think for themselves without the constant aid and counseling from Watchtower (Jeremiah 10:23). To always renew their mind (Romans 12:2) whenever it starts doubting or deviating from the Watchtower’s teachings. To always renew their personality (Ephesians 4:22-24), based on the doctrines and teachings of the cult.

Pairing up with the constant shame that a cult member feels when they act on their supposed imperfection (Romans 6:21) and that, doing all of this will make God happy (Proverbs 27:11). The fear of being punished and shunned, losing all the social contacts within the cult (friends and family members), losing every contact because they are told not to waste time with “worldly people”.. Jehovah Witnesses are more than tormented within their own minds to always give their all and to be as perfect as possible.

It is no wonder that Jehovah Witnesses are, more than average, likely to have depression and suffer from a mental illness.

 

The need to recruit more members to the group and indoctrinate their own children (while they are still young and easy to mold to the group’s best interest)

Jehovah Witnesses are very well known to preach (Matthew 24:14 and Matthew 28:19, 20). Publishers are the ones that can officially do so.. and those do not need to be baptized to do so. If a Jehovah Witness does not preach, they are “Bloodguilt”; an expression that means that, if a Jehovah Witness does not inform or aid someone that is perceived as “wicked”, the “wicked” continues to “sin” and the Witness that did nothing is also seen as guilty in the eyes of God (Ezekiel 33:7-9).

To add more to the constant paranoia and mental pressure, Jehovah Witnesses feel the need to preach as much as they can. This includes their own children, when they are quite young (Deuteronomy 6:5-7). Watchtower doesn’t shy away from aiding Witness parents to indoctrinate their young ones (as proven here). Including mimicking popular forms of art style and storytelling to attract the attention of their children (as proven here as well). Teenagers are also part of the demographic that Watchtower takes great interest in (as proven here).

 

Inform everyone that their group is the only one that holds the truth and the only path to true happiness

Besides what has already been said, that every “worldly person” is wicked, the paranoia against every non-Witness and even among themselves, the cult members are told that being a Witness is the only path that leads to happiness (Isaiah 30:20, 21 and Psalm 37:9-11).

Matthew 7:13, 14 is one of the few biblical texts that give the hope and motivation needed for cult members to keep going on the path that Watchtower as deemed to be the only true answer to life and everlasting happiness. Watchtower, on their website, claim to be the only true religion (as seen here). And they make sure that everyone outside of the cult knows about it (Matthew 24:14 and Matthew 28:19, 20).

 

Everything that contradicts the group’s views is inherently wrong and evil. Researching literature or to consider information from the outside is extremely discouraged and frown upon (if not punished)

This is perhaps one of the major issues with Watchtower and the Jehovah Witnesses as a cult.

Jehovah Witnesses provide the information needed for their Students to learn more about the doctrines and teachings. However, the Jehovah Witnesses expect their Students to take steps and to prove themselves that they are serious about their studies. They are open, to answer every question asked by the Student. But they will ask of them to attend the meetings. And in the meetings, they are expected to be surprised and to be overwhelmed by the perceived love shared among Jehovah Witnesses (on a superficial level).

From there, the Student may be asked to consider becoming a Publisher. The Student becomes a Publisher and continues to study the teachings of the cult, while reinforcing their new believes onto their neighbors, family and friends.

It is impossible for someone to truly know and have knowledge of every teaching and doctrine that the cult has and expects everyone to comply. But the danger lies when the Publisher decides, without any perceived pressure by their peers, to Baptize. Baptism is a very important decision, for it is a lifetime contract with the cult on which they dedicate their entire lives for Watchtower. There is no way to avoid this verbal contract once it has been done and this is where the perception of the cult, to the recently Baptized, changes with time as they continue to learn more about the cult they are now required to follow until the end of time.. no matter what. Only people who have been Baptized can be officially “Disfellowshipped”. If a Publisher decides to leave the cult before baptism, in peace, they will not be shunned.

Given that it was the Publisher that decided to Baptize, everything that they do, say or think.. it is on them. Which then, from that point forward, guilt is the most defining tool used by the cult to maintain control. Because it was the Publisher that decided to Baptize, it will forever be their own fault (no matter what) if they fail to remain submissive to Watchtower.

Again, besides everything that as already been said about the cult’s belief and perception of the world (non-witnesses), there is a fear to consider or hear opposing information. Given that the cult members are treated as sheep, who are easily manipulated by a mere cough or doubt, it is no wonder that they avoid talking and engaging in debates with those who have knowledge of the cult’s doctrines and teachings beforehand. Though Witnesses are expected to preach strangers, they do so given that most people lack the nuance to what the cult actually believes and demands from their members. Those who oppose the Watchtower’s teachings, that know the details of their cult, their teachings and doctrines.. are immediately labeled as Apostates (2 Peter 2: 1-3).

It is no wonder that Watchtower, among other things, strongly discourages teenagers to pursue higher education (as proven here). To avoid listening or watching videos, articles or even blog posts just as this one. Because, in Watchtower’s eyes, I and other people are deceitful.

 

(Optional but also a sign) The group has a strange obsession over money and material possession

For a Jehovah Witness, “God’s Kingdom” is always in first place (Matthew 6:33). Pursuing a career or material possessions is quite frown upon given that they interprete those desires as not placing “God’s Kingdom” above all (Mark 10:17-23).

Though donations aren’t a requirement for their members at all, Watchtower still urges their members to give their all for “God’s Kingdom” (1 Timothy 6:17-19). Those who have gathered a fairly sized wealth are pressured by biblical text (just as Luke 21:1-4) and real people within the cult that have contributed their belongings and even entire heritages to Watchtower. Plus, Watchtower doesn’t hold back in expanding their members’ options on how to donate their possessions (as proven here and here).

Plus, oddly, they do sometimes feel the need for their members to know how much money have they spent on certain events or expenses. Further complicating the cult members’ need to always give their best no matter what which, when hearing certain values, will begin to feel the need to donate generously on their own accord.

Even more oddly is how they are told to shun those who are “Disfellowshipped” and still, when it comes to business, Jehovah Witnesses are then allowed to talk to those former members of the cult. Hmm..

 

 

IN CONCLUSION

Given that the Jehovah Witnesses provide more than enough evidence that they are, truly, a Cult; it would be unfair to compare it to the many other religious institutions who do not apply such drastic measures to keep their followers on their side and fully obedient.

 

The Jehovah Witnesses use guilt and fear, luring new members into the cult by providing them information little by little. However, the truth about the “truth” only becomes clearer further ahead when the cult member has already been Baptized and it is too late for them to leave the Cult peacefully.

Thus the Baptized Jehovah Witness is either forced to lie to themselves, to doubt themselves over their own thoughts, to be devoid of any critical thought that contradicts the teachings and doctrines from Watchtower.. or face grave punishment in the form of shunning.

The fact that they set themselves apart from the “world”, from forming meaningful contacts with others outside of the cult, to only befriend and spend time with those who believe the same; leaves the Jehovah Witnesses without any form of social life the moment they are officially “Disfellowshipped”. For some of those former cult members, it becomes an emotional blackmail that results on some of them to try their best and rejoin their former cult in tears.. because the cult holds their friends and, most of the time, even family members.

The psychological effects and traumas the cult has on their members can be.. witnessed (hee~).. even after they leave the cult. Skepticism, avoidance, perfectionism and doctrines that have been ingrained on the mind of those who were exposed quite young (such as hearing the news about a possible war, natural disasters, political swifts and so on; which may trigger the doubt that maybe Armageddon is real, despise no longer believing in it).. are just a few examples.

 

So yes, the Jehovah Witnesses are, indeed, just another CULT.

 

 

Thank you for reading this blog post, it was a bit exhausting but I’m glad that I wrote this!

After some thought; I feel that, between the many experiences I’ve already had in my life. Though I could be more active and talk about my transition more often, or about politics.. I feel that those issues have already enough coverage and attention from other better and more popular sources.

I have tried to reach several types of communities, to engage with people on the web about the topics that concern me. From all of those topics that concern me.. I feel that I should be more focused on this cult above all other topics.

 

The “Ex-JW community” (pretty much any former Jehovah Witnesses), in general, has been more open and willing to engage with the things I write and share about the cult. Including youtubers who have made a name by criticizing this cult’s activity, doctrines and teachings. Though this community is small; it is incredibly fractured into people who still believe in a god, those who don’t, those who are more thoughtful, those who are more vindictive, etc..

I’m not the type of person to talk about facts, to do a deep research into the cult’s past and activities, to debunk into detail every single word. I have my own experience with the cult and I feel that what I can offer the most to those who have suffered by Watchtower’s influence.. is to be a listener and provide the emotional support to those who are still trying to understand this (true and only) reality.

I will try to reach this community and see how things go from there~

Pages:

[English and Portuguese] Transitioning – Withdrawal Update

 

(Para quem não sabe ler Inglês, a versão em Português encontra-se no final)

  • 1st Month/ 1º Mês – Link
  • 2nd Month/ 2º Mês – Link
  • 3rd Month/ 3º Mês – Link
  • 4th Month/ 4º Mês – Link
  • 5th Month/ 5º Mês – Link

 

ENGLISH

 

 

Hey.. and yes, you read it right. I’ve been forced to withdraw from my HRT. Temporary it seems. I don’t know anymore..

 

As I’ve mentioned on the earlier update, I had to stop my treatment for six weeks. Because there were values that were high, on the previous blood exam. Values related to the liver, that my doctor thought were a secondary effect from the Cyproterone that I was taking. During those six weeks, I was told to repeat the same blood test and to do an ultrasound on every area around the liver (including the liver itself).

 

The ultrasound came out and the results revealed a liver that appeared fine. However, it did revealed a 2cm stone on my gallbladder. My doctor assured me that the stone won’t be an issue, it’s not even really important to consider doing anything about it since it’s insignificant and it’s not causing any issues. To be honest, I don’t even care about the stone for now.. there are more important and dangerous things to take into account than a mere stone.

“Oh but a stone on the gallbladder is really bad! You should take care of–” Yeah yeah, whatever. I’m not concerned about it and neither is my doctor for now. Besides, it’s genetic, my mother had one exactly the same size. She doesn’t have a gallbladder nowadays, surgically removed (obviously).

 

The blood test that I repeated, however, revealed exactly the same values as the other one. Even though I’ve no longer have been taking my T-blockers for six weeks. Which means there’s something more sinister going on and the doctor has no idea what it is..

As such, this doctor (Endocrinologist) told me to arrange an appointment with a gastroenterologist. A magnetic resonance and another more extensive blood test will be needed as well. All is being arranged at the moment and my Endocrinologist tried to write my case as an emergency, in order to get the hospital moving faster and scheduling things without too much delay.

Not because I’m in danger at the moment (or so it appears since everything is the same after six weeks.. as far as blood values go), nor because I feel any sort of pain or effects from those values. In fact, my values aren’t high enough to suggest a form of toxicity or an hepatite. They assured that those values needed to be much higher and evolving, with side effects, for that to be the case. I feel no pain around the liver (just.. rib cage now and then and I’m sure it’s not about the liver, but because I’m without my T-blockers and I’m stressed), no nausea, no lack of appetite, my digestive system is working fine as far as I’m aware, no physical weakness, no yellowness anywhere.

However, it has become important for me to not consume any sort of medication in the time being unless strictly necessary for my life/health. Since doing so could compromise the liver at this point. To keep an healthy diet as if I were sick. To not go around drinking tea from herbs that “pseudo-intellectual new age medicine fans” assure me it’s going to help “100% garante” because they heard it from a morning TV show or because their neighbor (or themselves) took and it “totally worked”. This is not the time to play “guinea pig” with my health..

 

Anyway, yes. All of this, in short, means that there is something going on with my liver that isn’t related to the HRT, I have an irrelevant stone on my gallbladder that nobody cares for now (because it’s genetic anyway) and.. I can’t continue my HRT until this is solved (whatever it is).

Great…!

 

 

.. Now this is the time I get highly melancholic, start to whine and complain about life being unfair.. and start to make passive aggressive and witty swipes towards people in my life in general. Because nobody is perfect and this is how I’m able to keep my sanity and self preserve my ego, by pointing out how certain people are just.. scummy sometimes.

I’m aware this mentality isn’t exactly helpful to those who are trying to be nice.. but I don’t need people who need to try in order to be nice. I need nice people, not people that need to make an effort to be nice. Which is why I may seem ungrateful at times towards even those who are “just trying to help”, biting the hands of those that feed me. Because my life isn’t lacking on people who are trying. My life lacks people who actually genuinely want, those who truly are, that don’t make efforts but simply.. it is in their nature and true desire to be with me in this messed up emotional roller coaster filled with twists and turns that nobody asked for but still, it is what life as given.

If you are not the type of person that appreciates the type of posts that expose the things mentioned earlier.. then I advice you to leave this blog post now, because it’s going to be a ramble like no other.

 

 

Does anyone know how it feels to live with a constant disforia through out your life, unable to relate to most people and live a life where people just don’t seem to be able to relate to you either? To know early on that you’ll never have children of your own? That you’ll never be able to get pregnant and be a mother? That the desire is there but it will never be fulfilled?

Does anyone know how it feels to be born in a religious cult, being told that the world is a horrible place with horrible people, being fed lies about the existence of a god that loves you but is highly judgmental and punishes anyone who steps out of the line? Being told that all the problems will magically disappear after an apocalyptic prophecy comes to life and god creates a paradise? That you’ll get to live forever, eternal happiness without pain and tears? Having to deal with the religious zealots, judging every step and breath? The constant need to better oneself, always renewing your personality because you are a dirty sinner? Being perfect or closest to perfect?

Does anyone know how it feels to be bullied in school? Because of your own religion, because you are different than everyone else? Being mocked everyday by boys and girls and even physically attacked by the hands of testosterone filled brain dead morons? Not only within school but also outside of it, graffiti on the walls that mock you and your family that have never been cleansed from the walls of your own neighborhood even to this today when you’re 27 years old?

Does anyone know how it feels to be in a religious cult, which was told to be the purest sanctuary from all the evil in this world and still even within those walls.. being mocked by those of your own generation? Being cast aside by them because you stood in the way of their own petty almost-political schemes to reach the invisible throne, to raise within the ranks of their own theocracy? Being a child of a father that held certain prestige with the religious, the spotlight on your own face and family, to dance the music being played and being used as an emotional tool to make themselves feel as if they were good and charismatic for the privileged? Pat on the head like a dog when the owner is near, kicked off the streets like a mongrel when no longer useful?

Does anyone know how it feels to be a woman, being treated as a man, taught to be one and having your every word.. emotion and action being automatically taken as if what a man said, felt or did? Being told that you are too complex and complicated to be understood by anyone and to give up on trying to find someone to relate to? To create all these barriers and loops, filters and walls around your own psyche because you hated the effects that puberty gave to your mind and you knew very well that those aspects weren’t really what you were deep down? Hating your own body and what it became of it? Being thrown sand in the eyes and told that you look great when you know very darn well that you could had looked much better and beautiful? Having people wanting to take pictures with you and you having to regret every moment you spent with them in the first place?

Does anyone know how it feels that, pathetically, the only salvation for your loneliness, discomfort and frustration is.. spending time with strangers on the internet? To feel that only strangers on the internet, who ironically are in general more social inept than your average person, are the only ones that can actually provide you a slight resemblance of a social life because pretty much everyone around you in reality are insensitive and uncaring self centered and pretentious fools?

Does anyone know how it feels to finally come to terms with your disforia, finally deciding to open your mouth and tell those around you about it? Does anyone know how it feels to be treated unfairly by the religious because of it? To be told to keep it quiet and pretend that there’s nothing wrong? That all you needed to do was to keep smiling and keep renewing your personality to make the pain go away until god waved his hand to solve all the problems in the world? To finally gain the courage to do your own research, be informed and to walk your path? That the only way to solve your issue is to be ostracized by (truly) literally everyone in the cult you grew up in? To lose all your “friends” and contacts from that cult and be forced to live in a world that you were told is evil and lacks morals by.. yourself?

Does anyone knows how it feels that, in order to get the treatment that will make your life better, you need to be examined by two entire different teams of doctors, public healthcare, and that it’s going to take ages to get access to those treatments? The need to find a job, despise your disforia, having to deal with people who will never understand you for most of the day? That, through words and actions, will make you feel that you are different at any given opportunity? The confliction in your mind when you are not sure if people support you or they are using you to virtue signal or to patronize for their own ego because that’s exactly what people did to you in your formal cult, given that their words of encouragement contradict their own actions and behaviors towards you? As if the same hand that gives you crumbled bread is also the same hand that slaps you when you are least expecting?

… and then, finally… you see the gate being unlocked, the very same gate you were waiting for. To be opened, allowing you to walk in…

Does anyone know the feeling to finally watching the body that you hated.. turning out to be what you wanted since the very beginning? The freedom that it gives? The empowerment, the confidence rising to an all time high? Noticing your mind changing, finally having the true freedom of breaking those walls, twists and turns and to be yourself because the effects of Testosterone are gone from your psyche?

Ahh, the freedom of just saying what goes on your mind and heart.. it felt soo good. Witnessing the body changing little by little but pleasantly. Having people that knew you since the very beginning awing at your appearance and personality, finally getting to know you for who you are. The thrill that it gave when finally.. it wasn’t you that was getting jealous of others.. but the other way around. Of people easily identifying you in public, treating and addressing you correctly.. instinctively! The weight being lifted from your shoulders, from all those years.. nothing but sunshine and rainbows.

… but then.. everything is taken away from you once again. Just when you were having fun and planning for the future.

Does anyone know how it feels to work hard for something, to suffer so much after so long.. you get to taste the freedom and the reward, you know it exists, you knew you were right, all felt well and so true.. just for all to be taken away that easily?

… All because of your GODDAMN liver?! 

 

The liver?! REALLY? Is this how it ends? After everything that I’ve suffered to get where I am, after being able to enter the other side of the gate, when I was enjoying life for the very first time.. the liver, out of everything, is the thing that gets in the way now?

The liver, out of anything, is the thing that may take my happiness away. That will take away my physical appearance, that I was yearning for, and was only going to get better. That’ll revert my mood and psychological changes to an earlier point in time.

I.. just can’t believe it. All I can do is look and remember what I had back in May as I try to crawl back to where I was while I’m being dragged on the mud, back to the gate! Because my liver is sick for some yet unknown reason and it isn’t even because of the treatment!

And yes! I am aware that is all most likely temporary. But that’s not the point, is it? The point is that I already had a taste of what freedom felt and it felt good! I already know how it feels like, people already knew how it looked like. This is a twisted yet cruel joke!

It is as if teasing someone that is hungry and thirsty in the middle of the desert with brunch; you give them a slice of plain bread as a taste of what is yet to come and then, suddenly, you take it all away and tell them that they need to starve a while longer because the eggs used to make the omelettes were rotten! Yes, it is that frustrating.. and the only “words of wisdom” that you get from those around you is “there will be better days, stay positive”, like an pre-recorded announcement on a train station that informs you that the train is half an hour late and that they apologize for the inconvenience… Given my track record, the omelettes will be thrown to the garbage, new ones will be made but, for some reason, they are out of eggs and need to wait for more eggs to be sold in some shady supermarket, the supermarket is still waiting for the provider to deliver them because oh dear oh my the chickens died in some tragic accident and now they need to wait for the new generation of chicks to grow and lay more eggs! And all you can say is that you don’t even care about the omelettes or the eggs or the supermarket or the provider.. you just want something to eat and drink..

 

 

Beauty is pain, isn’t it? I know I’ve mentioned that in the previous update but truly, people who have suffered so much are the ones that end up with such a beautiful soul and personality. But suffer too much and your heart will grow cold and distant. There’s a thin line between beauty and the hole that one calls insanity. People have limits to what they can endure in life without giving up on it entirely. I can say that, at this point as I write this, I’m balancing myself on a rope. For now, it is worth living because hope hasn’t been completely lost. I know that because I had a good opportunity to experience life just the way I’ve imagined. Though more needed to happen, it was still quite good, sooooo so fantastic and wonderful..

.. I need to hold onto that memory.

Because I can’t really trust anyone to give me the hope and emotional support that I need right now. Not even my psychologist I believe. Ever since I’ve told these news to some of the people on my life, all they did was spout cookie cutter one liner basic support. “Live one day at a time”, “Look at the bright side”, “What are you talking about, you still look great”, “Oh, it doesn’t really matter. You were always Sapphire, Sapphire was within you all along” (no shit)… … ugh. I’m aware people are trying to help, trying to be nice. But at this point, I don’t need people trying to be nice and helpful by using cliche phrases taken from within fortune cookies. I need actual help and support. I’m.. tired of the sand being thrown to my eyes, of people trying to trick me into believing that there’s nothing to worry about or that I should just try and ignore everything until everything’s back to normal.

 

Tell me, does anyone know the feeling when you are crying and you have people trying to encourage you.. and you close your eyes, despise the fact that you have people physically next to you or in your front.. you feel as if everyone is a mile away and you are all alone despise the voices being close to you? That is how I feel when I reach a state of despair rather than the familiar frustration. That it doesn’t matter if you have people that say that they love you and want the best of you, their heart and mind is still far, absent and/or distant. This is, for me, the feeling of loneliness. That you have no one that truly.. loves the real you. That even though people will claim that they love you, it is simply untrue since what they love is not who you are but what they believe to be you. That they do not look for your interest but they project their ideas and what believe to be the right thing for you rather than what you truly desire.

I do not need a sandstorm to cover what I can clearly see on a mirror, what I can feel on my mind. The effects of what I was already trying to get rid of.

No… What I need is a hug from someone that is bigger than me, strong yet with a warm heart. To make me feel that I’m not alone when I close my eyes and my whimpers turn into sobs. The physical contact that is missing soo much, that people avoided doing so during my life. A mere kind gesture on the shoulder or arm, from a friendly face. The heat of blood from another human, the odor. The touch that is missing and has made me apathetic, that turned my gentle heart to stone. The voice that comes from another heart and not the mind, that speaks honesty and tells me that “life is hard, you and I have suffered so much. We don’t know what is yet to come but we will survive, together.”

… But what I ask is too much, isn’t it? I’ve heard it from some people in the last few years. That even these mere gestures are too much to ask. That it is hard for me to find those type of people, because I’m that complicated and different from the rest of the world. Fuck all of you that have said such a thing to me, from the bottom of my heart.. I’m not even trying to be spiteful, I truly feel hatred right now for the people who have said that to me in the past. Because those people say such horrible things when they are near me, to “try and be nice”; turn their backs, forget that I exist and then go around posting on social media with their friends, carrying plastic smiles and drinks in hands; making it seem they have fulfilling lives surrounded with their friends.

I’m just a toy, aren’t I? A toy created for others to show their “kindness” and then abandoned and cast aside. A freak that nobody could possibly understand, undeserving of basic human interaction and warmth. I’m.. tired of being everyone’s prized dog that you just prepare a fancy little bow on the head when you walk outside for me to do my business and for your cute facebook pictures, then once the picture is taken, it is time to return home while the owners walk outside and to do what “humans do when they don’t have their dogs around”. Spending most of the day worrying and wondering when the owners will get home.. if ever. Only with a bowl filled with ration and another with water. And once the owners arrive home, frustrated from their lives, I become glad that I’m not alone anymore.. only to be kicked aside because the owners are no longer interested in taking pictures of you for their social medias. And when I bark, I get ignored. And when I bite, I get told that I’m ungrateful and hateful because the owners AT LEAST gave me ration and water.

 

Some of you people have no heart, it is clear to me. Social parasites and fleas, I truly feel sorry that you were taught with poor manners and truly privileged to the point you have no idea what pain feels like and feel the need to chuckle or laugh when I say that I want to hide myself in a cave because of these more recent events. I’m not joking, someone actually chuckled every time I have said that in these last few weeks and I’m left wondering if the person is just completely devoid of empathy or just isn’t aware of how painful this is. Long live the bourgeoisie, that weep for puppies and kittens on social medias but is completely devoid of kindness for those right next to them!

Yes, because nothing needs to be said more when you hear people say that they “support” me and they still think it is completely appropriate to say that they are on their period and how I’ll never get to experience that. OH my, can you feel me scream internally by the fact that one of my “supporters” is being helpful when they remind me I’ll never have children of my own? And how about that time that one of my “supporters” thought it would be funny to make a crude joke about my family jewels? Can you feel the love in the air? Because, after so long, I can either conclude that some of my “supporters” are either sociopaths or just incredibly petty.

 

… And yes, I’m aware that some of those “supporters” are going to read this eventually. I don’t care at this point, I haven’t revealed their identities anyway to “the public” so they can lower their pitchforks and ignore everything, as usual. Nor do I intend to, unless they decide to make a fool out of themselves in “public” over it. It’s okay, you can ignore it at will and wait for me to upload a photo of me on Facebook because then, finally, you’ll be able to put a “like” and show your “support”!

 

 

Hmhm.. either way, it is time to think about what to do in the meantime, while I slowly die inside as I wait to find out what is wrong with my liver.

 

There isn’t much I can do except to wait. Things will slowly revert in the next few months, since these things take some time. They are already slowly reverting, no need to throw sand and tell me that I still look great. Bitch, I had much better days and I have the potential to look even better once I (hopefully) resume my HRT.

What I can do, however, is avoid my body from altering too much now that it is at the full mercy of the Testosterone once again. As far as my hips and waist go.. I always had, even prior to transitioning, some form of curve (even though I’m already not on a perfect 0.75 ratio… I miss that so much..). I’ll have to deal with a more rectangular yet lean body shape.

To maintain my lean figure, I’ll have to eat less and not allow my muscles and fat to develop and redistribute. If I don’t eat a lot, hopefully, my muscles won’t be able to develop much at all. As far as fat goes, as long as I eat “enough”, the body won’t be able to deliver that fat on unwanted areas. I also need to drink plenty of water to get rid of the unwanted garbage in my system, which should be easy because it’s summer so, there won’t be a lack of need to drink.

The rib cage and back are going to be my main issue because, as I became highly aware with HRT and now from this ongoing withdraw, it is amazingly… err.. versatile, depending on the hormones in my system. This is going to be the main factor that will allow me to “pass” or not in society. This is not an easy feat, to prevent it from swelling too much or at a much lower rate. My only self admitting pseudo and dumb misinformed solution for this particular predicament is, besides the diet, to keep my bras tight as possible. I know I know… sounds silly but I really do not know what else I can do and this seems to be more based on wishful faith thinking. At least it will make me feel better than I’m trying and my bras aren’t being ripped apart anyway thus far. Please don’t convince me that this won’t work, let me believe that it does somehow!

On the positive side of things, I don’t really need to worry about my face or arms/hands. My hands and face were always feminine prior to HRT. That won’t change even with Testosterone. If it didn’t influenced that much during puberty, it sure as hell won’t now.. r-right? Right.. It may change my facial expressions by a little.. but, as I said, I always had a somehow pretty feminine face anyway. The face will never be an issue when it comes to “passing”. And my hands never caused me any form of dysphoria, they are one of my most “prized possessions”. My secret? Wearing tight watches around my wrists during childhood, plenty of video games and avoid heavy lifting as much as you can! What? It worked, didn’t it? I hope that same logic can apply to my rib cage and bras..

 

Besides those and depending on how much things will change.. I -will- give everyone a warning though, to those that have read thus far. The moment that I feel that I no longer “pass” in society given the physical changes… it will be the day that I will stop stepping my foot outside my house unless to deal with the things that need to be done in order to get my HRT back on the right direction.

This is non-negotiable. I’m aware that I have a job and the money is quite needed.. but I simply cannot, for the sake of my sanity, walk outside and.. hmm. I can’t. I’m sorry but I can’t! It’s not healthy. No. Just.. no. The least I want is to walk outside again and have people address me as a man again. If anyone thinks that unavoidably has to happen in the meantime because I need a job.. then rest assured that I know I need a job.. I need money. But I also need to live, I need my sanity and I don’t want to put my mental health into jeopardy just because I need money. And once I find out that I’ve reached a state on which people will look at me and think I’m a crossdresser.. then it is time to hide from the public eye.

Please stop telling me how to feel and how to act. I’m serious when I say that I would had to abandon my job if I had to in order to preserve. Don’t pretend now, after years of telling me that I’m hard and impossible to be understood, that you now got the right answers for me. I got this far not because I listened to every suggestion thrown at me, but because I know myself too well for my own sake and know what is best for me.

Anyway, if that time comes, I’m sure I can work it out with my co-workers and find a way to work at home in the meantime (a stranger online suggested me this recently. It’s a great idea!). The internet exists, my home PC is better than the one at work so, in a way, maybe work will go even faster here than in the office! I’m aware that I can’t do everything here as I would in the office but, at least, it would be better than to produce nothing and earn nothing..

 

 

As such, I’ll conclude this loooong blog post by informing everyone that I’ll keep everyone updated over at Twitter and my (public) Facebook Page. Yes, I’m aware that I post a lot of things on my twitter and public facebook page that not many people like or enjoy. Too bad.. because I’m seriously not a fan of Facebook by itself and I avoid talking a lot on my personal Facebook.  Any major news will require new blog posts and, as such, I believe that it will be only relevant to create one of these major updates once I learn what is wrong with my liver.

 

And before I say goodbye, I’ll share one last selfie (that I took on last Friday).. until I get my hormones back and I look presentable again. Thank you for reading and if you think I’ve been unfair in some way or another.. then I hope you at least understand why I am saying the things that I am instead of getting selfish and act on self defense of your own ego and self interest. Yeah.. I know that I’m an hypocrite. So are you, so it’s fine~

 

 

 

PORTUGUÊS

 

Olá… e sim, vocês leram bem. Fui forçada a retirar-me do Tratamento Hormonal. Por algum tempo, pelo que parece. Já nem sei bem ao certo..

 

Como mencionei na actualização anterior, eu tive que parar com o meu tratamento por seis semanas. Porque existiram valores que estavam altos, na colheita de sangue anterior. Valores relacionados com o fígado, que a minha médica pensou ser um efeito secundário da Ciproterona que estava a consumir. Durante essas seis semanas, foi-me dito para repetir as mesmas análises ao sangue e para fazer uma ecografia em toda a área à volta do fígado (incluindo o fígado em si).

 

A ecografia foi feita e revelou que o fígado tinha bom aspecto em geral. No entanto, revelou uma pedra de 2cm na vesícula. A minha médica assegurou-me que a pedra não iria ser problema, que não era algo muito importante para ser levado em conta visto ser algo insignificante e que não está a causar problema nenhum. Para ser sincera, eu também nem estou preocupada com a pedra de momento.. existem coisas mais importantes e perigosas que precisam de mais atenção que uma mera pedra.

“Oh mas uma pedra na vesícula é muito mau! Devias de tomar conta di–” Sim sim, não importa. Não estou preocupada com isso, nem a minha médica de momento. Aliás, é genético, a minha mãe teve uma exactamente do mesmo tamanho. Ela nem tem vesícula hoje em dia, removido cirurgicamente (óbvio).

 

A análise ao sangue que repeti, por outro lado, revelou exactamente os mesmos valores que outrora. Mesmo apesar de ter deixado de consumir os meus bloqueadores de Testosterona já por seis semanas. O que significa que existe algo mais sinistro a acontecer e que a médica não sabe o que poderá ser..

Como tal, esta médica (Endócrinologista) pediu-me para marcar uma consulta com um Gastroenterologista. Uma ressonância magnética e uma outra colheita ao sangue mais extensiva também irão ser necessários. Tudo está a ser planeado de momento e a minha Endócrinologista tentou deixar uma nota de como o meu caso deve ser tratado como uma emergência, para fazer com que o hospital se mexa mais rapidamente e marque estes exames e consultas sem muita perda de tempo.

Não porque esteja em perigo de momento (ou pelo menos é o que parece visto que tudo se manteve após seis semanas.. no diz respeito aos valores no sangue), nem porque sinta algum sintoma de dor ou efeitos associados a esses valores. Na verdade, os valores não estão altos os suficientes para sugerir alguma toxicidade ou hepatite. Eles asseguraram que esses valores necessitavam de ser mais altos e em evolução, com efeitos secundários, para isso ser o caso. Não sinto dores perto do fígado (apenas.. na caixa toráxica de vez em quanto e tenho a certeza que não é devido ao fígado, mas porque estou sem os bloqueadores de Testosterona e estou stressada), sem náuseas , sem falta de apetite, o meu sistema digestivo está a funcionar bem por aquilo que posso presenciar, nenhuma fraqueza física, nada está amarelado.

No entanto, tornou-se importante para mim não consumir nenhum tipo de medicamento por enquanto a não ser que seja de extrema importância para a minha saúde/vida. Porque fazê-lo poderá agravar algo no fígado neste momento. Para manter uma dieta saudável como se estivesse doente. Para não beber chás de ervas exóticas que as pessoas “pseudo-intelectuais que são fans das medicinas alternativas” que prometem que vai ajudar “garantidamente 100%” porque ouviram falar dessas folhinhas mágicas num programa de televisão de manhã ou porque o vizinho do prédio ao lado experimentou e “funcionou automaticamente”. Esta não é a altura de brincar com a minha saúde e fazer de “cobaia”..

 

De qualquer forma, sim. Tudo isto, em poucas palavras, significa que existe algo a acontecer no meu fígado que nada está relacionado com o Tratamento Hormonal, que tenho uma pedra na vesícula que ninguém quer saber por agora (porque é genético de qualquer forma) e.. não posso continuar com o meu Tratamento Hormonal até que tudo esteja resolvido (seja o que for).

Fantástico…!

 

 

.. Agora está na altura de eu ficar extremamente melancólica, começar a choramingar e a queixar da minha vida ser injusta.. e de começar a ser passivamente agressiva e com humor audacioso contra algumas pessoas da minha vida em geral. Porque ninguém é perfeito e isto é a minha forma de manter a minha sanidade e de preservar o meu ego, por apontar o óbvio de que algumas pessoas são mesmo.. reles por vezes.

Tenho consciência de que esta mentalidade não ajuda muito a obter a aprovação das pessoas que estão a tentar ser simpáticas.. mas eu não preciso daqueles que precisam de tentar para ser simpáticos. Eu preciso de pessoas simpáticas, não de pessoas que precisam de fazer um esforço para parecerem simpáticas. Por isso é que posso parecer ingrata por vezes mesmo contra as pessoas que estão “a tentar ajudar-me”, mordendo as mãos daqueles que me alimentam. Porque o que não falta na minha vida são pessoas que tentam. O que a minha vida tem falta é de pessoas que querem ajudar-me genuinamente, aqueles que são verdadeiramente, que não fazem esforço mas que apenas.. faz parte do seu ser e autêntico desejo de quererem estar comigo nesta montanha russa emocional horrorosa cheia de reviravoltas e curvas que ninguém pediu mas mesmo assim, é o que a vida me deu.

Se não és do estilo de pessoa que aprecia este estilo de posts que expõe as coisas mencionadas antes.. então aconselho-o a fechar esta janela agora, porque vai ser uma divagação como nunca outrora.

 

Alguém sabe o que é viver uma vida de constante disforia ao longo da vida inteira, sem ter direito a relacionar-se com as outras pessoas e viver uma vida onde as pessoas também não sabem relacionar-se contigo? Saber desde cedo que tu nunca irás ter filhos? Que nunca ficarás grávida e nunca serás mãe? Que o instinto e desejo está lá mas nunca irá ser realizado?

Alguém sabe o que é nascer dentro de um culto religioso, ser dita que o mundo é um lugar horrível com pessoas horríveis, ser alimentada com mentiras acerca da existência de um deus que nos ama mas que julga brutalmente e repreende qualquer pessoa que não caminhe exactamente na única linha de pensamento correcto? Ser dita que todos os problemas irão magicamente desaparecer depois do comprimento de uma profecia apocalíptica e da criação de um paraíso? Que poderás viver para sempre, felicidade eterna sem dor nem lágrimas? Ter que lidar com os religiosos zelosos, que julgam todo o passo e fôlego? A necessidade constante de aperfeiçoar-nos, sempre a renovar a nossa personalidade porque és uma pecadora? Tentar ser perfeita o máximo possível?

Alguém sabe o que é ser vitima de bullying na escola? Devido à tua própria religião, porque és diferente de todas as outras pessoas? Ser gozada todos os dias por rapazes e raparigas e até mesmo ser fisicamente atacada por idiotas cegos de testosterona? Não apenas na escola mas como também fora dela, graffiti nas paredes que fazem pouco de ti e da tua família que nunca foram retiradas do teu próprio bairro até ao dia de hoje mesmo quando tens 27 anos de idade?

Alguém sabe o que é estar num culto religioso, que te fez crer que era o santuário mais puro de todo o mal neste mundo e mesmo dentro daquelas paredes.. ser tratada mal por aqueles da tua própria geração? Ser posta de lado por eles porque tu “estavas na frente” e travavas os planos políticos internos e patéticos para eles chegarem ao trono invisível, para eles subirem o seu cargo e privilégio dentro de uma teocracia corrupta? Ser criança de um pai que tem algum prestígio com os religiosos, o foco na tua própria cara e na tua família, dançando a música que tocava e ser usada como uma arma emocional para os outros sentirem que eles eram bons e carismáticos e terem aprovação dos privilegiados? Festinhas da cabeça como uma cadela quando os donos estão por perto, posta de lado e ignorada como uma aberração quando já não era necessário a simpatia?

Alguém sabe o que é ser uma mulher, ser tratada como um homem, ensinada a ser tal e todas as tuas palavras.. emoções e acções serem automaticamente explicadas e raciocinadas do ponto de vista do que um homem disse, sentiu ou fez? Ser dita que és complexa e complicada demais para ser entendida seja lá por quem for e para desistir de encontrar alguém que o possa? O criar todas as barreiras e armadilhas, filtros e paredes à volta do teu ser porque odiavas os efeitos que a puberdade estava a criar na tua mente, sabendo bem que esses aspectos nunca te pertenceram e não eram o que tu verdadeiramente eras no fundo? Odiar o teu próprio corpo e o que este se tornou? Ser jogada areia nos olhos e dita que tu tinhas boa aparência quando tu sabias muito bem que poderias ter um aspecto muito melhor e bela? Ter pessoas a quererem tirar fotos contigo e fazendo tu ficares arrependida de todos os momentos que estiveste com essas pessoas?

Alguém sabe o que é sentir que, pateticamente, a tua única salvação para a tua solidão, desconforto e frustração é.. gastar tempo com pessoas estranhas na internet? O sentir que apenas os estranhos na internet, que ironicamente até são mais ineptos socialmente de forma geral em comparação com outras pessoas, são aqueles que podem providenciar com algo semelhante a uma vida social porque praticamente toda a gente à tua volta na vida real são insensíveis e despreocupadas e apenas pensam no seu próprio umbigo como idiotas pretensiosos que são no fundo?

Alguém sabe o que é finalmente aceitar a tua disforia, finalmente decidir abrir a boca para falar acerca disso com aqueles que são mais próximos? Alguém sabe o que é ser tratada de forma injusta pelos religiosos por causa disso? Ser dita que devias manter-te calada e fingir que estava tudo bem? Que tudo o que tinhas de fazer era sorrir e continuar a renovar a tua personalidade para fazer a dor ir embora até o dia que deus decida usar a sua varinha mágica para resolver todos os problemas do mundo? Finalmente ganhando a coragem para fazeres a tua própria pesquisa, seres informada e criares o teu próprio caminho? Que a única maneira de resolver os teus problemas é ser posta de parte por (verdade) todas as pessoas do culto onde cresceste? Perdendo todas as tuas “amizades” e contactos dentro do culto e ser forçada a viver no mundo onde disseram ser mau e com falta de morais.. sozinha?

Alguém sabe o que é sentir que, para obteres direito ao tratamento que vai fazer a tua vida melhor, precisas de ser examina por duas equipas totalmente diferentes, sistema de saúde público, e que vai demorar anos até teres acesso a esses mesmos tratamentos? O procurar um trabalho, apesar da tua disforia, ter que lidar com pessoas que nunca te irão compreender durante quase um dia inteiro? Que, através de palavras ou acções, vão querer fazer-te sentir diferente sempre que poderem? O conflito na tua mente quando não tens a certeza se as pessoas querem o teu bem ou se elas estão a usar-te para demonstrar que são boas pessoas ou para serem condescendentes para alimentar os seus próprios egos porque isso é exactamente o que fizerem no culto que pertencias, visto que as palavras de encorajamento contradizem as suas acções e comportamentos para contigo? Como que a mão que te fornece migalhas de pão é a mesma mão que te dá estalada quando tu não estás preparada?

… e depois, finalmente… tu vês a fechadura do portão a ser aberta, o mesmo portão que esperaste durante muito tempo. Agora aberto, para poderes entrar…

Alguém sabe o que é ver o corpo que odiavas.. a transformar naquilo que sempre quiseste desde o inicio? A liberdade que isso providência? O fortalecimento, a confiança a subir para algo como nunca antes sentido? Notar as alterações na tua mente, finalmente ter a verdadeira liberdade de destruir aquelas paredes, vidros e labirintos para seres tu mesma porque os efeitos da Testosterona estão longe do teu ser?

Ahh, a liberdade de simplesmente dizer aquilo que vai na alma.. sabe tão bem. Presenciar as alterações no corpo pouco a pouco mas de forma agradável. Ter as pessoas que sempre te conheceram desde o princípio ficarem impressionadas com a tua aparência e personalidade, finalmente terem a oportunidade de te conhecer por aquilo que verdadeiramente és. A emoção que senti quando finalmente.. já não és tu a teres inveja das outras.. mas elas terem inveja de ti. As pessoas facilmente te identificarem no público, tratando e falando contigo de forma correcta.. instintiva! O peso a ser levantado dos ombros, durante todos aqueles anos.. apenas raios de sol e arco-íris.

… mas depois.. tudo é retirada de ti de novo. Mesmo quando já estavas a divertir-te e a planear o teu futuro.

Alguém sabe o que é trabalhar arduamente para algo, depois de sofrer ao longo de tanto tempo.. o teres provado a liberdade e a recompensa, saberes que existe, saberes que tinhas razão, tudo bem e verdade.. apenas para tudo ser roubado de ti tão facilmente?

… Tudo por causa do RAIO do fígado?! 

 

O Fígado?! A SÉRIO? É assim que tudo acaba? Depois de tudo o que já tinha sofrido para chegar a esta etapa da minha vida, depois de entrar para o outro lado do portão, quando eu estava a aproveitar a vida pela primeira vez.. o fígado, de tudo, é aquilo que vai manter-se no meu caminho agora?

O fígado, de tudo, é a coisa que pode retirar a minha felicidade. Que vai retirar a minha aparência física, o que eu sempre quiz, e que iria continuar a melhorar. Que vai reverter o meu humor e mudanças psicológicas para um passado não muito longe.

Eu.. nem consigo acreditar. Tudo o que posso fazer é olhar e relembrar o que tive no passado em Maio enquanto tento rastejar com unhas e dentes para onde estava enquanto sou arrastada pela lama, de volta para o portão! Porque o meu fígado está doente por um motivo ainda desconhecido que nem é devido ao tratamento em si!

E sim! Tenho consciência que é bem provável que seja algo temporário. Mas isso não é o problema, não é verdade? O problema é que já sei o que é sentir essa liberdade tão maravilhosa! Eu sei o que é senti-la, as pessoas já sabiam o que era presenciar essa liberdade. Isto é uma piada cruel e macabra!

Isto é como ser provocada, quando se tem fome e sede no meio de um deserto, por um lanche; é te dada uma fatia de pão simples para provares o que vem adiante e depois, do nada, é retirado tudo e dizem-te que tens de passar fome só mais um bocadinho porque os ovos que foram usados para fazer a omelete estavam estragados! Sim, é muito frustrante.. e as únicas “palavras sábias” que tu recebes das pessoas à tua volta é “vai haver dias melhores, mantém-te positiva”, como se fosse uma gravação feita para anunciar que o comboio vai chegar meia hora mais tarde e que pedem desculpa pela inconveniência… Considerando a minha sorte até agora, as omeletes vão ser deitadas para o lixo, novas irão ser preparadas mas, por alguma razão, estão sem ovos e vão precisar de esperar que um supermercado obscuro ainda os venda, o supermercado ainda está à espera do fornecedor que venha trazer os ovos porque oh meu deus as galinhas morreram num acidente trágico e agora temos que esperar que uma geração inteira de pintainhos cresça e deita ovos! Depois ainda a carrinha com os ovos fica sem gasolina a meio do caminho porque esqueceram-se de o fazer, os ovos chegam ainda mais tarde que o previsto do atraso anterior, o chefe esquece do dinheiro em casa para comprar os ovos e volta atrás para buscar a carteira e agora sim.. toma a tua omelete e já vais com sorte! E tudo o que dizes é que tu nem queres saber das omeletes nem dos ovos ou do supermercado ou do fornecedor.. tu apenas queres algo para comer e beber..

 

 

A beleza é criada com muita dor, não é? Eu sei que fiz menção disso na actualização anterior mas é verdade, as pessoas que sofreram muito são aquelas que têm uma alma e personalidade tão bela e atraente. Mas se sofreres demasiado, o teu coração ficará frio e distante. Existe uma linha muito estreita entre a beleza e a cova que chamamos de insanidade. As pessoas tem limites no que podem suportar na pele ao longo da vida sem desistir dela por completo. Eu posso dizer que, neste momento enquanto escrevo, eu estou a balançar-me numa corda. Por enquanto, vale a pena viver porque a esperança ainda não desapareceu por completo. Eu sei disto porque eu já tive a oportunidade de viver a vida tal como imaginei. Apesar de muito mais ainda ser necessário, ainda foi muito bom, apenas fantástico e maravilhoso..

.. Eu preciso de manter essa memória por perto. 

 

Porque não posso confiar em ninguém para dar a esperança e apoio emocional que preciso neste momento. Nem mesmo a minha psicóloga neste momento. Desde que informei destas noticias para algumas pessoas da minha vida, tudo o que elas fizeram foi expressar aquelas únicas frases filosofias e baratas. Do “Vive um dia de cada vez”, “Vê pelo lado positivo”, “O que estás a falar, ainda tens bom aspecto”, “Oh, não importa. Sempre serás a Safira, a Safira estava dentro de ti este tempo todo” (não me digas)… … ugh. Eu tenho consciência que as pessoas estão a tentar ajudar-me, a tentarem ser simpáticas. Mas neste momento, eu não preciso de pessoas a tentarem ser simpáticas e ajudada com apenas frases cliché que foram retiradas de uma história para crianças. Eu preciso de ajuda e suporte verdadeiro. Estou.. cansada de tanta areia que tentam atirar para os meus olhos, das pessoas tentarem fazer acreditar-me que não tenho nada que me preocupar e que eu simplesmente devia tentar ignorar tudo até que tudo volte ao normal.

 

Digam-me, alguém se relembra daquele sentimento quando se chora e existe pessoas a tentarem encorajar-te.. e tu fechas os teus olhos, apesar do facto das pessoas estarem fisicamente ao teu lado ou à tua frente.. sentires como se toda a gente estivesse a milhas de distância e tu estás completamente só apesar das vozes estarem perto de ti? Isso é o que sinto quando chego a um estado de desespero em vez de apenas aquele sentimento de frustração bastante familiar. Que não importa se tens pessoas que te dizem amar e que querem o teu melhor, o coração e mente delas ainda estão tão longe, ausente e/ou distante. Isto é, para mim, o sentimento de solidão. Quando não tens ninguém que verdadeiramente.. ama o verdadeiro eu. Que apesar das pessoas dizerem que te amam, tu sabes bem que é mentira porque aquilo que amam não és tu de verdade mas apenas aquilo que acreditam seres tu. Que não querem saber dos teus interesses mas apenas projectam as suas ideas e aquilo que acreditam ser o melhor para ti em vez daquilo que verdadeiramente desejas.

Eu não preciso de uma tempestade de areia para cobrir aquilo que vejo claramente num espelho, que sinto na minha mente. Os efeitos que pelos quais já estava a livrar-me.

Não… o que preciso é de um abraço de alguém que seja maior que eu, forte mas com um coração quente. Para fazer sentir-me que não estou só quando fecho os meus olhos e os meus soluços se tornam gemidos. O contacto físico que está a faltar tanto, que as pessoas sempre o evitaram durante a minha vida. Um gesto simples e carinhoso no ombro ou braço, de uma cara amigável. O calor humano, o odor. O sentido do tacto que faz falta e que me fez sentir apática, que fez do meu coração frágil ser pedra. A voz que vem de um outro coração e não da mente, quando me diz com ternura e honestidade que “a vida é difícil sim, tu e eu já sofremos demasiado. Não sabemos o que o futuro nos reserva mas nós iremos sobreviver, juntos.”

… Mas o que peço é demasiado, não é? Eu já ouvi isso de algumas pessoas ao longo dos anos. Que esses pequenos gestos são demasiadamente caros. Que é difícil para mim encontrar esse estilo de pessoas, porque eu sou muito complicada e diferente do resto do mundo. Vão para a merda, todos vocês que me disseram coisas desse género, do fundo do meu coração.. eu nem estou a tentar ser vingativa e maldosa, eu sinto mesmo ódio neste preciso momento por todas essas pessoas que me disseram isso no passado. Porque essas pessoas dizem essas coisas horríveis quando estão perto de mim, para “tentarem ser simpáticas”; viram as costas, esquecem que eu existo e depois vão para as redes sociais para mostrarem as fotos com as amigas, com sorrisos amarelos e copos nas mãos; dando a entender que tem uma vida perfeita e rodeada das amizades que cultivaram durante anos.

Eu sou um brinquedo, não sou? Uma boneca criada especialmente para os outros demonstrarem a sua “bondade” e depois abandonada e posta de lado. Uma aberração que ninguém pode compreender, que não merece o mero contacto trivial e banal de um outro ser humano. Estou.. cansada de ser a cadela de luxo de todo o mundo pelo qual apenas tens que preparar um pequeno lacinho para a franja quando vais me levar a passear para eu fazer as minhas necessidades e para tirares uma foto fofa para o facebook e, depois da foto ser tirada, está na hora de voltar para casa enquanto que os donos vão dar uma volta lá fora e fazem aquilo que os “humanos fazem quando não tem os cães por perto”. Passando a maior parte do dia a preocupar-me e a questionar se os donos alguma vez irão voltar a casa. Apenas com uma tigela para a ração e outra para a água. E quando os donos chegam a casa, frustrados com a vida deles, eu fico grata que não estou sozinha finalmente.. eu levo com um chuto porque os donos já não estão interessados em tirar fotos comigo para as suas redes sociais. E quando ladro, sou ignorada. Quando mordo, é me dito que sou ingrata e má porque os donos AO MENOS deram-me ração e água.

 

Alguns de vocês não tem coração, isso é óbvio para mim. Parasitas sociais e carraças, eu tenho imensa pena que vocês foram educados tão mal e são tão privilegiados ao ponto de não fazerem a menor idea o que é sofrer seriamente e sentem a necessidade de rir ou de gozar quando eu digo que quero esconder-me numa caverna devido aos eventos recentes. Eu não estou a brincar, ouve alguém que se riu em todos os momentos quando eu utilizei expressões do género nestas últimas semanas e eu fico a pensar se esta pessoa é apenas incapaz de sentir empatia pelo próximo ou apenas não é capaz de discernir a dor que sinto. Longa vida à burguesia,  que choram por cãozinhos e gatinhos nas redes sociais mas é completamente alheia ao sofrimento dos outros mesmo à frente do nariz!

Sim, porque nada mais precisa ser dito quando tu ouves algumas pessoas a dizer que “suportam-te” e ainda acham que é completamente apropriado dizer que estão no seu período e que eu nunca irei saber o que isso é. CREDO, conseguem ouvir o grito dentro da minha mente quando eu ouvi uma das pessoas que me “suporta” a ser tão atenciosa e bondosa quando me relembra que nunca irei ter filhos do meu sangue? E então aquele dia em que uma dessas outras queridas “aliadas” pensou que teria imensa piada fazer uma piada de mau gosto com respeito às “jóias da minha família”? Conseguem sentir o amor a pairar no ar? Porque, depois de tanto carinho, eu apenas consigo concluir que, ou duas uma, algumas destas pessoas que me “suportam” ou são sociopatas ou são incrivelmente mesquinhas.

 

… E sim, tenho plena consciência que algumas dessas pessoas que me “suportam” vão ler este post eventualmente. Eu nem quero saber, não revelei a identidade dessas pessoas para “o público” portanto não vale a pena estarem com forcas e apenas basta ignorarem, como costume. Nem penso revelar, a não ser que decidam fazer figuras tristes para “o público” porque disse aquilo que sinto com base em acontecimentos reais. Deixa estar, podem ignorar à vontade e esperar que faça upload de uma foto minha no facebook que aí sim vão fazer “like” na mesma para demonstrar o vosso “suporte”.

 

 

Hmhm.. de qualquer forma, está na altura de pensar o que fazer no entretanto, enquanto eu vou morrendo aos poucos por dentro durante este tempo de espera para descobrir o que o meu fígado tem de errado.

 

Não existe muito que possa fazer excepto esperar. As coisas irão se reverter aos poucos nos próximos meses, visto que irá demorar algum tempo. Estas coisas já estão a reverter-se lentamente, não é preciso atirarem com areia para os olhos e dizerem-me que ainda estou linda de morrer. Por favor, já tive melhores dias e eu tenho potencial de ainda ser mais bela que antes assim que eu (espero) possa resumir o meu Tratamento Hormonal.

O que posso fazer, no entanto, é evitar que o meu corpo se altere demasiado visto que está à mercê da Testosterona de novo. No que diz respeito às minhas ancas e cintura.. eu sempre tive, mesmo antes da transição, alguma curva (apesar de eu já não ter aquela proporção perfeita de 0,75… vou sentir tanta falta disso..). Eu irei ter que conviver com a idea de ter uma figura mais rectangular mas mesmo assim magra.

Para manter um físico elegante, terei que comer menos e não permitir que os meus músculos e gordura se desenvolvam e se redistribuem. Se não comer muito, espero que os meus músculos não irão se desenvolver muito. No que diz respeito a gorduras, desde que coma o “suficiente”, o corpo não vai poder distribuir gordura suficiente para os lugares indesejáveis. Também irei precisar de beber bastante água para livrar-me do lixo indesejável no corpo, o que será bastante fácil visto ser verão portanto, não haverá falta de sede.

A caixa toráxica e costas é que irão ser o maior problema porque, como tomei consciência com o meu Tratamento Hormonal e agora com o facto que foi retirado os bloqueadores de Testosterona, é uma área fantasticamente… err.. versátil/flexível, dependendo das hormonas que estiverem em circulação. Isto vai ser o factor determinante que irá permitir-me “passar” ou não na sociedade. Isto não é algo fácil, de prevenir que a caixa toráxica se inche demasiado ou da forma mais lenta possível. Com base no meu conhecimento totalmente pseudo e idiota de alguém mal formada no que diz respeito a este problema muito específico, eu penso que, para além da minha dieta, manter o sutiã mais apertado quando possível irá ajudar. Eu sei eu sei.. é estúpido mas eu não sei mais o que poderei fazer e esta idea é mais baseada numa esperança muito cega e parva. Ao menos irei sentir-me melhor em saber que estou a tentar e os sutiãs ainda não se romperam até agora de qualquer forma. Por favor não me convençam de que isto não vai funcionar, deixem eu acreditar que isto vai ter algum impacto!

Num lado mais positivo, eu não preciso de preocupar-me muito com a minha cara ou braços/mãos. As minhas mãos e cara sempre tiveram um aspecto bastante feminino antes do Tratamento Hormonal. Isso não irá mudar agora mesmo com a Testosterona. Nunca foram factores muito influenciados com a Testosterona mesmo durante a puberdade, é óbvio que nada irá acontecer agora.. c-certo? Certo.. poderá alterar um pouco as minhas expressões faciais.. mas, como disse, eu sempre tive uma cara bastante feminina de qualquer forma. A cara nunca irá ser problema no que diz respeito a “passar”. E as minhas mãos nunca me causaram disforia, elas são as minhas “relíquias”. O meu segredo? Usar relógios apertados nos pulsos durante a minha infância, muitos jogos e evitar pesos fortes o máximo possível! O quê? Resultou, não foi? Eu espero que a mesma lógica se aplique no que diz respeito à caixa toráxica e sutiãs..

 

Apesar dessas coisas e dependendo do quanto as coisas irão se alterar.. eu -irei- dar um aviso importante a toda a gente, para aqueles que leram até agora. Quando chegar o momento em que eu sinta que já não “passo” na sociedade devido a estas mudanças físicas… vai ser o dia que irei deixar de sair de casa a não ser para lidar e resolver qualquer questão que seja necessária para voltar a recomeçar o Tratamento Hormonal.

Isto não é negociável. Eu tenho plena consciência que tenho um trabalho e que o dinheiro é bastante necessário.. mas eu não posso simplesmente, para o bem da minha sanidade mental, meter o pé fora e.. hmm. Não. Desculpem-me mas não posso! Não é saudável. Não. Nem.. pensar. O que menos quero que aconteça é voltar a sair de casa e ter as pessoas a voltarem a tratar-me como um homem. Se alguém pensa que simplesmente terei que suportar isso só porque preciso do trabalho.. então podem ficar descansados porque eu sei muito bem que preciso de um trabalho.. de dinheiro. Mas eu também preciso de viver, de manter a minha sanidade e eu não quero colocar a minha saúde mental em risco só porque preciso de dinheiro. E quando eu descobrir que cheguei a uma altura em que as pessoas olham para mim e pensam que sou crossdresser.. então é altura de esconder-me do público.

Por favor parem de dizer-me como devo de sentir e como devo de agir. Eu estou a ser bastante séria quando eu digo que eu iria abandonar o meu trabalho se fosse necessário para preservar o que tenho. Não façam de conta agora, depois de tantos anos a dizerem que sou difícil e impossível de ser compreendida, que agora é que tem as respostas certas para os meus problemas. Eu cheguei longe não porque ouvi todas as sugestões que me foram dadas, mas porque eu conheço-me a mim mesma até bem demais e sei o que é melhor para mim.

De qualquer forma, quando essa altura chegar, eu acredito que poderei negociar algo com as minhas superiores e arranjar maneira de trabalhar em casa no entretanto (isto foi o conselho que um estranho na internet me deu recentemente. É uma idea excelente!). A internet existe, o meu PC em casa é melhor que aquele que tenho no trabalho portanto, até de certa forma, o trabalho até poderá decorrer mais rapidamente aqui que no escritório! Tenho consciência que não consigo fazer tudo aqui da mesma forma que poderia fazer no escritório mas, ao menos, é melhor do que produzir nada e ganhar nada..

 

 

E assim, eu termino este post loooongo por informar todos que estarei disponível e irei actualizar-vos através do Twitter e da minha Página de Facebook (publica). Sim, tenho consciência que eu faço muitos posts no meu twitter e na minha página de facebook que muita gente não gosta muito. Temos pena… porque não sou fan do Facebook por si mesmo e eu tento evitar falar muito no meu Facebook pessoal. Qualquer notícia importante irá ser transmitida através do meu blog e, como tal, eu acredito que só irá ser relevante criar uma destas actualizações assim que souber o que o meu fígado tem de errado.

 

E antes de dizer adeus, eu irei partilhar uma última selfie (que fotografei na última Sexta Feira).. até que volte a ter as minhas hormonas e até ficar apresentável de novo. Obrigada por lerem e se acham que fui injusta de uma maneira ou outra.. então eu espero que ao menos entendam o porquê de eu falar da maneira que falo em vez de agirem como egoístas com vontade de preservar os vossos egos e interesses pessoais. Sim.. eu sei que sou hipócrita. Vocês também, deixa estar~

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Dreams

(Still experimenting but I kinda like this featured image! It is almost accurate to my vision)

 

Good afternoon everyone!

Today I’ve decided to write this blog post, one about dreams. I know right? Talking about something non-political for once, it’s like a breath of fresh air!

 

Why talk about dreams? What is there to talk about? I don’t know.. it’s just an interesting topic to me and one that I would like to share a few thoughts that I believe some people might find useful or relatable. I’ll also be sharing an old returning dream of mine back when I was an (actual) teenager, and how I reacted to it at the time and what it taught me.

 

 

First of, what are dreams? It is always wise to first describe the word that we’ll be using for an entire post.

 

A dream can be several things to several people. Emotions, images, stories, fiction, solving problems, memories, desires.. the list goes on. These happen when you rest, during one’s beauty sleep. Life taught me that men and women dream differently (though that’s not really important for this post). While there are people that believe there’s a spiritual meaning behind them, that need to be interpreted; there are others that believe that these should be ignored for they are mostly made of nonsense and scraps that are being tidied in the right compartments of the psyche.

Personally, I believe they are all of those.. except the spiritual aspect. I do not believe they come from gods or spirits.. but from our own subconscious. I know, it’s obvious. It has to come from our own mind and, therefore, it has to be based on things that we must known or have seen or thought. Either consciously or subconsciously.

This is the part that I find most interesting and a few may disagree. I don’t believe most dreams hold any special meaning. However, I do believe some do hold a special meaning. The more intense a dream is and the more we are able to remember it everyday, then it is worth investigating! Even more, if it starts to repeat. If a dream makes you worried, or the emotions that you felt on the dream are carried to reality even if for just a few seconds, I believe it is time for an introspection.

However, I also do believe that only the person who dreams it can know what it means. In short, I don’t believe one should ask someone else to interpret one’s dream. The dream came from your mind, from your own thoughts. Only you hold the key to understand what those emotions, images and fiction means. A color may symbolize something that only you know, therefore there’s no way to generalize a color’s meaning in a dream. One must understand oneself to better realize what your dreams could mean to you!

 

I believe that dreams, when they repeat and are intense, can be used to better understand oneself. Our own fears, our own emotions that we may not even be aware! Or even issues in our own mind. But it’s also wise to never fully embrace and act upon one’s dreams. Because, at the end of the day, most dreams may not hold any special meaning. You can never be too sure and dreams are not evidence of anything wrong or positive about your life and mental health. It is a way for your brain to organize itself; based on the things you saw, know or feel. And most of them can be made of incoherent gibberish.

.. But, if we are confident that a dream may hold a special meaning, then I believe we should try to understand it to better understand ourselves. Not with google, or with the aid of others.. but based on our own interpretation of it. We are able to figure it out by ourselves since it came from us. We know what a certain object means, what a certain color means, what a gesture or emotion means. Because our mind is not a separate identity from ourselves. We are the mind and the subconscious holds the thoughts that we refuse to think about on our daily lives.

 

Our brains allows us to breathe without thinking, in the same way that our subconscious deals with certain emotions and thoughts that we don’t want to think about but still have to be part of our being in order to keep our sanity intact.

This is my personal opinion, of what is a dream and if they hold some value. The short answer is: Only you know if a dream is important or not and if you should use it to better understand yourself. And only you can know the meaning behind the dream. Following a literal dream is as foolish as following one’s heart, since sometimes the heart isn’t in the right place. Sometimes, however, one must understand and solve the issues that plague our subconscious. Those warnings may sometimes materialize in the form of dreams. Dreams are a mere symptom that need other real symptoms to be considered legit aspects that need attention. A dream alone without other actual real symptoms is nothing to be worried.

 

With that view on dreams that I hold, it is obvious that I, myself, had a few interesting experiences related to this topic through out my life. Though most of them are personal and private, there is one that I would love to share to whoever has been reading thus far.

 

 

This specific dream that I’ll be talking about did haunt me ever since the beginning of my own puberty. It lasted for nearly ten years. Though not everyday or even every week, it repeated often enough to be remembered even after not dreaming it for around seven years. In fact, this dream became so intense and frightening that it was one of the many things that lead me to “come out of the closet”, as they say! And it never came back since I did so, which means that the dream was associated with my condition and not being honest with myself and others.

The featured image that I used for this blog post is mostly accurate to part of that dream.. down to the colors that I remember.

First, I’ll expose the dream. Then I’ll share the interpretation of it that took me years to fully understand. Then I’ll explain what I did after realizing what it meant.

 

The dream starts in fog, white and slowly revealing the soft beige colors that would be maintained through out most of the dream. It quickly reveals a feminine figure. That figure looked closely like myself. The fog covered my vision of what was bellow my shoulders and all I could see was what was above the shoulders.

A quick note: As most dreams that I have, I very rarely dream of myself in my own eyes but in third person. Though I can act, feel and talk.. my dreams never reveal my own vision but the vision from somewhere else.. like a camera from a movie focusing on the protagonist. Though clearly I am the protagonist and I’m in full control of my own figure, emotions and thoughts.

Despise not being able to see what was underneath the fog, I knew that I was naked. I could not feel what was underneath the fog, but I could use my own hands. My own feminine figure had most of her face covered, exposing only the jaw, nose and mouth. What covered her face was not fog.. but a messy tangled web of confusion.. hair. I wanted to know if that feminine figure was really me and, conveniently, there is a cheval mirror standing in front of me. Given that I am the feminine figure in this dream, I approach it calmly, in a single step.

The mirror reveals what I already had seen. Fog bellow the shoulders and the mess that covered most of the face. This is the moment that I can see myself in first person. My curiosity lead me to use my hands and remove the hair in front of my eyes. I wanted to know if that feminine figure was really me. But dreams are bizarre and, as I try to remove the hair in front of my eyes.. it reveals that there is more hair underneath.

Confused, I keep trying. I start using both my hands and I begin to realize that I’m unable to remove the hair from my face. Underneath hair, there was more hair. I clench my teeth, the frustration starts to build in and my hand movements start to hasten as I try to force my way in hope that I have a glimpse on what’s underneath the hair.

As the frustration grows and I start to yell out the pain, the shades of beige start to get darker. Despise being unable to see my own eyes, I still was able see my hands and the reflection in front of the mirror clearly. But I was unable to see what was underneath the hair.

The colors, as they would grow darker and darker, bring an end to the dream and bring me to reality.. since I would always wake up after that dream still clinging to the frustration and haziness it brought and wondering if that figure was really me.

 

Of course, we could always ask someone for what they think this dream means. Or a specialist, or a spiritual leader. But, as I’ve mentioned earlier, dreams are born from our subconscious, from our own thoughts and feelings. Only we, ourselves, are able to figure out our own dreams. With this dream, I will give an example of what I mean by that.

In order, I’ll explain the meaning behind my dream.

 

The dream starts white. For me, it represents purity and innocence. And it also represents enlightenment. In whiteness, the several shades of beige are born and they form the dream itself. Beige is a soft color and, for me, it represents sensitivity. Since it is also a color quite close to my own skin tone, it is a familiar color. Familiar, truth, sensitive and delicate are the four words that come to mind when beige is presented to me. It also is a color that catches my attention, as something that needs special consideration. It is a warning sign that what is going to happen is very important, emotional and requires thought, delicate actions and soft spoken words.

When these colors are presented to me in such a fashion, it means that what is about to happen is of extreme importance and is life changing. So there is a sense of mystery and high expectations on what is going to happen. The fog underlines this mystery or truths that have yet to be revealed.

The feminine figure is easily identifiable as me. It shares the same mouth and nose. But the jaw line, neck thickness and shoulders seemed off. What could be described as a feminine interpretation of myself (which, nowadays, when I think about it, my brain actually figured out somehow how I would somehow look like without testosterone in the present. That is impressive.. though strange). This added more to the mystery though, clearly, given that I was starting puberty, it was the embodiment of what I wanted for myself.

The fog covers everything bellow the shoulders. Since I know that this feminine figure of myself was naked, it represents vulnerability and delicateness. And also things to reveal, hidden. There is also certain curiosity to how I look like underneath all that fog, though clearly never the focus. This represents sexuality. Since I’m unable to verify the existence of breasts and genitalia, it means that my sexual desires were unknown and yet to be revealed. Yet, again, it never seems to be the focus of this dream since I am more curious to learn about the identity of that figure has really being me or not.

The hairy mess that covered most of my face and eyes represents my negligence. It is there and messy because I’ve allowed it to be that way. It got to the point that it covered my eyes, my identity. This means that I willingly decided to ignore and conceal my identity from myself and others. A web of messy lies and dishonesty that went too far.

I was watching myself in third person, as if looking through an invisible camera that focused on the protagonist. This is the rule in most of my dreams, the default. It means that everything thus far was the norm, the status quo. There was a mirror however, nearby. And as I walk towards the mirror that represents the ability to self reflect, to indulge in introspection; the vision changes to the first person. That means that I still hold the power to find out about my own identity through some introspection.

The fact that I can still use my eyes and see clearly, despise the mirror showing that there is plenty of hair in front of them only underlines that the mess that covers the vision and judgement is nothing more than an illusion. The lies aren’t real, though I can clearly make sense of those lies by doing some introspection. It is recognizing that there is something wrong in one’s identity and that there is still hope since I had not become completely blinded by the very same lies that I’ve created to justify the facade that I used to live when I was young.

I knew that feminine figure was me but, somehow, I wanted to make sure it was really me. This means that I still didn’t had access to my true self, to my personality. That I didn’t fully knew who I was or wasn’t sure that what I thought to be me was really me. The lies that kept my true self hidden meant that I was curious.. yet afraid to be right.

My hands could be used to remove the hair in front of my eyes. It means that, deep down, I really wanted to take steps and find out if that figure was my true self. But there was more hair underneath the hair.. and that caused frustration. It means, after all, the web of lies and illusions were unable to be removed on my own. And that, on my own, even if I tried to remove the lies and understand myself more and more through the illusions that I’ve created, there would always be more lies and illusions underneath. This can only mean that, though there is a necessity to dispel to find oneself, I would still always be fearful and create more illusions and lies to keep my true identity concealed. It means that I was being an hypocrite and working against my own interests with the dishonesty I was continuously creating.

The feelings that it brought, of frustration and helplessness, is the embodiment of high Neuroticism. The dream becomes dark, teeth grinding. The darkness means the end, a conclusion. It also means to conceal, to forget. To interrupt, in this situation. It means something is interrupting my progress, to find my true self. And as I always woke up right afterwards.. it means that reality, my own daily life. That is what was stopping me from finding myself. Life itself didn’t allowed me to be who I am. The frustration is carried through reality and I’m left wondering who that figure really was.

The ironic part is not that the dream forced me to wake up. Deep down, I wanted to wake up because I couldn’t handle the frustration that the dream always brought to the surface.

 

As I grew older, the figure, too, aged at the same rate as myself in reality. And so the frustration and weariness grew alongside it. Because I was starting to become too self conscious and aware of this dream’s existence. Together with the disforia in it by itself. Though it wasn’t a dream that made me realize of my condition, it was still one of the many warning symptoms of keeping myself hidden from the public eye and keep the facade for so long until adulthood.

The dream only ceased to reappear when I decided to “come out of the closet”. Which only shows that the dream represented my denial, of who I am in my essence. It represented the emotions and the facade I had built to keep myself hidden for so long from my conscious reality and from those that I used to deal with daily. My subconscious was filled with the thoughts and emotions that I didn’t want to think or feel. And my subconscious brought that dream over and over because it was loaded with such negative feedback.

Once I’ve opened my mouth and did my own research.. my subconscious was free and became healthier with time. It no longer needed to process those specific emotions and thoughts, finally having time for other issues that also need attention.

 

 

This is why I believe that some dreams can be useful. But it is up to us to figure out if a dream is a warning sign of our own subconscious.. or just another foolish segment of nothing but gibberish nonsense.

Thank you for reading and I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this blog post! Sweet dreams~

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“Diversity” is our Strength

(“Good” featured image)

 

Good afternoon boys and girls!

Today we’re getting political and quite critical. Or, as some people would call it, politically incorrect. Fortunately, those words lost all their meaning so, therefore, I feel no guilt in sharing my thoughts on a rather heated topic! “Diversity”.

 

“Diversity is our Strength”, we have heard several times. During our childhood, most of us saw an image that, in concept, is alike the one I’ve drawn as a a featured image! The world, surrounded by people of all cultures and ethnicity. Holding hands, expressing our humanity, our unity and hope for world peace.

I, myself, am used to such images and concepts. These were everywhere when I was young, specially when I was in first grade and all the way to the fourth grade. Though, personally, I see no wrong with such concept and image; I rather prefer the image of a more developed fetus within a mother’s womb surrounded by the stars of the galaxy to represent the human condition. In fact, that’s what I had drawn back in third grade when they asked all the children in my school to draw something that represented our humanity. That got me a bronze medal for my creativity back then… but enough about silly ol’me!

 

But what is “Diversity”? We see it today, people demanding a more diverse environment. Shouting, weeping, becoming emotionally unstable when current politics don’t align with their own view of the world. Spouting labels such as “racist” and “bigoted”, because a politician dared to suggest that maybe there should be more control over a country’s borders. The talk about globalization, millions of people who are pro-immigration and would be shocked if someone else isn’t keen on having fully open borders. In the name of inclusion, justice.

This is when opinions vary. But it is clear that, for some, diversity means having people of all cultures and backgrounds come together and live in peace. To be honest, that does sound great on a very superficial level. Who wouldn’t want world peace?

But.. there’s an issue with such mindset. And the issue lies within the word “Diversity” itself. Again we ask, what is “diversity?”

 

As mentioned earlier, people have grown to get used to and aspire for imagery and the symbolic meaning behind the drawing I’ve made for the featured image of today’s post. But there is something I haven’t done on that picture that I’ve drawn: They lack skin color. I’ve done so on purpose though, for some, the meaning behind diversity is having people with different skin colors. For others it is having people of several religious faiths holding hands. And there are others that see diversity in having people of “all genders” (we’ve been through this but, for the sake of keeping on topic, here’s my view on Non-Binary, for those interested), with all types of body shapes and fashion styles.

So, again, I ask. What is “Diversity”? Though everyone seems to have an answer to that nowadays, I will give my outright opinion and say that I disagree with most people’s view on what that word even means and criticize those who believe that “Diversity” means having a cereal bowl filled with colorful pieces of mere grain and sugar.

 

What exactly is “Diverse” in having people of all skin colors in the same room? Besides the superficial and outlook visual appearance being, admittedly, diverse, is it really.. “Diverse”? To assume that people with different skin colors than our own are.. different, with unrelated life experiences than our own that could never be understood by anyone of a different ethnicity; isn’t it a gross exaggeration and a way to stereotype people based on the color of their skin? To assume that someone with a different skin color could never relate to someone that doesn’t share their own skin color.. isn’t this bigotry in itself? To categorize people based on their appearance and to conclude that, in order to have a rich and diverse environment, you would need different skin colors in the same room; isn’t this racism?

Of course, some would say that this isn’t racism and being colorblind is racism. Again, we can conclude that words have lost all their meaning and that their meanings have changed depending on someone’s ideology. But, for some, having a room with people with black skin, brown skin, white skin and with Asian ethnicity equally represented is, by itself, the true answer to a fulfilling rich and diverse culture.. and that gives strength.

I strongly disagree, since I’m colorblind and I don’t believe a color gives you unique abilities, intelligence or personality. We live in the real world, not in a fictitious Rainbow Brite/Power Ranger parallel universe.

 

How exactly does having all religions gathered in the same room gives society strength? Besides some of them wanting to kill each others because they believe they should be the only true religion in this world; how exactly can you have all religions in the same room and expect one to be shielded from criticism while the others are worthy of scrutiny? How is it fair and non-hypocritical that one seeks diversity in religion yet the very same religions that are protected as “minorities” seek to criminalize those who think differently than they do? In short, how is defending individuals that seek to eliminate the very same “Diversity” you seek.. “Diverse”?

Of course, some would say that criticizing a religion is fine as long it is not a very specific one of their liking. But if you criticize one or two religions who are deemed as “minority” is, in fact, bigotry against the people that follow that religion.

I strongly disagree, since we are talking about ideology. Every ideology deserves criticism and every ideology is different from one another. Some ideas deserve more attention and more scrutiny, because of the things they do in the name of what they follow. To believe that certain religions should be shielded from such is incredibly patronizing and against an equal society. In short, it’s unfair and illogical, it does not bring the “Diversity” you seek.. but more hatred.

 

How exactly is a room filled the same amount of men and women.. equal? Besides mathematics being on point with that sort of mentality, how is one’s genitals and gender identity synonymous of a diverse and a contribution to a diverse environment? How is it fair to say what a man and a woman can do and shouldn’t go? How is that not stereotyping people while claiming that society is the one that manufactured gender itself (despise biology pointing otherwise)? One should be consistent with their views if one wishes to redefine the very core of humanity.

Of course, some would say that I’m sexist and transphobic for not caring for one’s genitals or gender identity. Unfortunately for them, I’m a woman. A transsexual woman. So that would mean that I hate myself, that I’ve internalized some type of bigotry. I’m sorry, I’m not that easily manipulated by schizophrenic sociopaths drunken by their own ideology. I’m a cult survivor, I got my vaccine against those. Though I guess you could blame me for being bigoted against Non-Binary, since I am still waiting for the evidence that such exists (how can you be bigoted against something that doesn’t exist?).

However, again, I strongly disagree. Gender stereotypes are the worst and I’ve felt the pressure of some individuals trying to impose me either male or female tropes down my throat, since I pass as a biological female in society and I was born biologically male. Not everyone is a stereotypical female or male. Tomboys and feminine men exist after all and that shows than men and women are capable of relating with each others in many ways. Being a man or a woman (or an attack helicopter) doesn’t make you unique and diverse. It makes you superficial and dull, that lacks personality. If anything, statistical equality and collectivism is oppressive towards individuals with potential and incredibly patronizing for the “minorities” in the room that are told that they can’t achieve greatness because the room is bigoted towards them.

 

 

Once again we ask, what is “Diversity”? Close your eyes and imagine the following: (wait, don’t actually close your eyes.. else you won’t be able to read!)

You are in a room. In this room, there is a White Atheist Man, a Black Muslim Woman, a Latino Christian Transsexual Male and an Eastern Asian Buddhist Non-Binary Woman. They are happy with the “Diversity” in their room, equally represented by the tokenism present by mere four individuals.

Ignoring the strong possibility of the Atheist criticizing the Muslim for pointing that her faith would never allow the Non-Binary Woman to be in that room with them.. Or the Christian pointing out the flaws of Islam and the Atheist calling the Christian an hypocrite while the Buddhist claims that both the Christian and the Atheist are Islamophobic.. Or the Black Woman and Non-Binary Woman criticizing the White Man for being there (while the Transsexual Man strangely remains silent since he doesn’t want to get involved in this argument)..

Yes, ignoring that all of those things could happen, they somehow manage to stay sane and alive in the same room; in peace.

 

But peace breaks the moment a chair breaks. The four look at each other, wondering who will fix it.

The Black Muslim Woman shrugs lightly and says that she won’t do it, because asking her to do so would be considered racist, because of slavery.

The Latino Christian Transsexual Male looks at the Eastern Asian Buddhist Non-Binary Woman, as if questioning if she’s the one that’s going to fix the chair and break the gender roles imposed by society that women are incapable of such tasks. But she shrugs, because she isn’t a carpenter.

Both men look at each other. It seems it is up to either one. The Eastern Asian Buddhist Non-Binary Woman comes in defense of the Latino Christian Transsexual Male and informs everyone that the Transsexual is, in fact, oppressed and to stop oppressing him with such tasks and gender roles. The Transsexual Male strangely, again, remains quiet.. since he’s lazy and thanks his god (in secrecy) that someone just got him away from such a dull task.

 

The White Atheist Man seems to be the center of attention. He is a White “Cisgendered” Male. An Atheist, opressor of the religious present in that room. This is an opportunity for him to prove that he’s not bigoted, that he doesn’t want to enslave the Black Woman. That he doesn’t discriminate against the Non-Binary and Transsexual. That he respects all faiths.

He walks towards the chair, to try his luck. Unfortunately, he doesn’t do a good job and the chair remains even more broken. The White Atheist Man apologizes and asks if he can invite his friend to come over and fix the chair for free. The four are unable (or unwilling) to fix the chair.. there needs to be one more person on that room.

The Eastern Asian Buddhist Non-Binary Woman asks the White Atheist Man what race, religion and gender is his friend. He says that it is another White Atheist Man. The other three disagree and ask if he has someone that is a Woman or Non-Binary at least. Or at least someone that isn’t White. The White Atheist Man shakes his head, he’s not an individual with many friends after all.

 

Where is the “Diversity”? Who will fix that chair, despise the four being, superficially, different from each others?

It seems they are not that “Diverse” after all. Despise their skin color, gender and religion.. none of them is prolific enough to fix a chair. And since they cannot allow another White Atheist Man to walk inside the room in order to keep the balance.. the chair remains broken, ugly and useless.

 

 

Is this the Diversity you seek? Let’s imagine something different.

Imagine the same room, the same broken chair. But, in this room, there is a Scientist, an Athlete, a Carpenter and an Artist. They talk among themselves and it is obvious that the Carpenter is going to be the one fixing this chair. Carpenter does so, with the aid of the strong Athlete. The Artist remains close, giving advises on how to make the chair look more appeasing to the eye. The Scientist remains afar, perhaps planning on what to do with that chair once it is fixed.

The Carpenter fixed the chair, the Athlete was the helper. Not only did they fix that chair, but they made it prettier thanks to the suggestions given by the Artist. The Scientist, on the other hand, thought it would be a good idea to use that chair themselves in order to sit on their desk and write an hypothesis about one of their new theories.

.. It seems these individuals worked better together. Their skills and traits were diverse and, not only did they work together, but they also made more than just fixing a chair.

 

This is Diversity that gives strength. If we had four Carpenters, the chair would be fixed and nothing more. If we had four Athletes or four Artists or four Scientists, the chair wouldn’t be fixed. But these four, together? The chair was fixed and even more!

And you may ask yourself if it is possible that these four individuals also could had different skin colors.. or gender.. or religion.. from each others. Oh, it is! Completely! But, as you can see, those aspects did not matter at the end. What you are after.. is not Diversity. But a false sense of… “Diversity”.

 

 

 

Thank you for reading this blog post. I’ve enjoyed writing this one!

I’ll see you next time, dear reader~

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The blur of Reality & Online

(Basic featured image is basic)

 

Good afternoon!

It has been a while since I’ve wrote on this blog. I know I know..

Either way, here we are. Another post, one that will sound more like a short incoherent ramble about the future of my online pseudonym!

First, I would like to quote a former post I’ve made on this blog.

“I should know better by now, as someone of my own age, to not behave this carelessly online on my public accounts. I should had kept myself to drawing and sharing stories. Again, that was the original idea when I created the pseudonym “SapphyDe90”. To focus on art, to be genuine yet kind. I guess the “art” and “kindness” got lost somewhere, leaving only the brutal honesty to the public. Unfiltered.. for most part. Lax. Perhaps naive, which is something that goes against what I am in reality.. though it is true that I can act quite childish. Personally, I don’t mind being childish on some aspects, as long I’m mature where it actually matters.”

“More and more I’ve thought to myself what to do with this pseudonym. I’ve been less motivated to draw as time passes by. Yet I’ve been felling the pressure to express my creativity somehow. It pains me that, at the age of 26 (nearly 27), I’m here thinking about what I want to do when “I grow up”. In this case, what type of artist I want to be. Again. I thought I had that set on stone, I was doing well with my art style. My stories and universes were, in my humble biased opinion, well developed and it’s a shame I never shared not even a single one to a wider audience, in a more complete sense! But, alas, people know that I’m changing. It’s a long process, that I’m quite enjoying the results that have been surprising me. But this is not the post to talk about my transition..”

Ignoring the rambling about art, given that it is something that will take some time and patience from my part to do so.. (my daily life does not allow me to fully dedicate myself to do some soul searching and find myself again as an artist) it is clear that, ever since I’ve started my transition, my online presence has changed drastically. And, to be honest, so has my real presence in the real world.. obviously.

 

Some of you are aware of my blue haired cartoon character, an alter ego which goal was to serve as an online persona and a way to humanize my own personality that was locked away in my subconscious. The idea of a blue (actually cyan) haired girl sporting a mix of magenta, yellow and black came in 2013.

 

First appearance – August 2013

First came the face, has I still lacked a art style of my own.

The blue hair came with the idea that, as basic and obvious as it may seem, my name is associated with a gemstone that is typically related with the color blue (even though this gem exists in other colors). However, I gave it a lighter shade, a pure cyan because, at the time, I was finishing a Graphic Design course and I thought it would be funny if I went ahead and used Cyan, Magenta, Yellow and Black! For me, it represents the ability to adapt to most social circumstances and events while, at the same time, not losing focus of my individuality. As Sapphire.

The rose tinted glasses, though normally associated with blinded nostalgia, it represents several things for me. First, it simbolizes a one sided vision of the world. Stubbornness, in short. An individual with strong convictions and morals. The rose tinted color represents tradition, since it is connected with nostalgia. Though I am nostalgic about a few things, it means that I hold a more old fashioned view of how things should be. It’s classic. Though, if one looks closer, the eyes behind the glasses are blue. Again, it represents an independent view. In short, I don’t like to impose my own values onto others and I enjoy my right to be an old fashioned individual… the same way that I feel others should be free to follow their own values.. as long they don’t impose those onto me.

 

Another August 2013 drawing

The hairpin, though I rarely included those on my drawings, it represents my geek side. It doesn’t serve any purpose for the hairstyle, nor does it mold it drastically but it means that I’m fine with that aspect of mine.

The wardrobe itself, the clothing.. there was never a special meaning behind it. It was style, ways to represent the other colors mentioned earlier. And often have I changed the clothing, depending on the season.

With Cyan, Magenta, Yellow and Black, I could give my alter ego any color I wanted. Which is why, at times (Halloween, for example), my alter ego would be drawn with other shades, other colors.

 

Halloween 2015

The shape of the eyes and the eye-shadow are also peculiar, different from all the characters I have drawn thus far. For one, my alter ego lacks eyebrows. At first, this was a mistake that I’ve realized much later. But I came to like it this way! For me, it symbolizes a faint hint of pride in one self. Though extremely self conscious and a perfectionist, I am still able to maintain a certain level of confidence in my views.

Instead of having eyebrows, the eyeliner extends far above and reaching the brow bone. It is a way to fix a mistake, the lack of eyebrows. Again, it underlines my flaw (or virtue, depending of one’s perspective) of being a perfectionist that tries to correct everything wrong in herself. Certain vanity.

The shape of the eyes and thick eyeliner represents a superficial judgement. It’s bold, a judgmental stare. It means that, despise everything said earlier, I still judge others heavily on their actions, words or lack of those. Though I do not impose my judgement, I still judge others inwardly. This is obviously a gross exaggeration of that aspect of mine.

 

Halloween 2016

Of course, all of this work around a cartoon character, an alter ego, served a purpose in the past. This purpose however, no longer applies.

Things have changed quite a lot since I’ve started my transition. Being online, having an cartoon avatar like this allowed me to keep in mind who I am, to maintain my personality alive and burning in the digital world while, in reality.. I would still had to wait for that to happen. A gross exaggeration of my virtues and flaws was brought to life thanks to a short tempered blue haired hippy looking cartoon character.

The character was never something I aspired to be given that she was, in essence, me. I used to love this character, even though I do admit that her appearance wasn’t friendly for the wider audience to relate to!

 

Given the changes in my life, it is time to say goodbye to this alter ego. Because, with my transition, I no longer need a mask to hide behind.

 

 

And so we move to the future. Given my transition and the fact that my personality is no longer hidden in riddles and chains, it is no mystery to others who I am.

Though I am difficult to be understood.. according to some of the people in my life, complicated. I feel that the line that separates reality and the online presence I used to keep it hidden more from those I deal with in reality, that line is starting to blur. People are becoming aware of the type of person that I am, the things that I like and my own thoughts. I no longer keep it hidden, though I tend to filter those more in reality out of kindness and overall passivity.

Truth is, there’s no point in hiding what I am in reality from the digital (online) realm.. the same way there’s no point in hiding what I am in the digital (online) realm from the people in the real world. Which is why I’ve created an Instagram account and even uploaded a photo of me as a profile picture across all sorts of social medias!

 

I am what I am. I am SapphyDe90, Sapphy, Sapphire, Safira. I have no real shame in what I do, believe and say. I am free~

And yes, I’ve lost a few “friends” on the way. Either because I, myself, walked away from such toxic relationships or they, themselves, walked away from me. Though it is a shame that some of those, who claimed to support me, faded away the moment I exposed my true colors. Nothing of value was lost, it’s all I have to say.. but I would be lying if I said I didn’t hold some resentment over a few of those people. I mean, here I am sharing my happiness and freedom.. and they just walk away after saying that they would support me. If anything, you should feel happy that I’m happy and I’m sharing you the happiness that you wished for me to have!

Perhaps there are a few people that believe that I’m bragging about my own achievements, or that go as far to say that I’ve become a narcissist behind my back. Shows how much you people grasp this situation I’m in and how low your faith is in me. Do me a favor and get lost if that’s your opinion.

Again, it’s no secret that I’m in some sort of pseudo adolescence. Except, you know, this is the right adolescence that I should of had back when I was an actual teenager. You know how teenagers are, experimenting and discovering their developing bodies and emotions. It’s healthy.. and that is what’s been going on in my life in these last few months. The fact that this vanity and self-absorption of mine, in recent months, has turned away a few people or has made them feel insecure and self-conscious about their own appearance and feelings is, at best, amusing! At worst, pathetic and sad. Because how low do you have to be to feel those things over someone with a disorder? Petty, ignorant.. there are no words to describe people who were lucky in life and still, somehow, manage to envy those who, just now, are able to live a normal life. You had your whole life filled with happiness, the teenage youthful bodies that you could relate. At the age of 27, here comes silly me finally having the body and mind that I deserve, much later in life compared to everyone else and still.. people feel the need to moan about it. No seriously.. get lost, don’t ever talk to me, just go away and don’t look back, unfriend me on your social medias, do whatever you want but can you just disappear from my life?

On the other hand, I’ve gained other friendships.. that feel truer. So no, I’m not the one losing here. I lose more keeping the reluctant in my life and/or friends’ list because, when I browse my friends’ list or social media feeds, their faces and names are there and it forces me to remind of their existence.. and that’s what creates resentment. Someday, I might be the one doing the cleanup if they don’t do it themselves with dignity. When my paciente starts to run dry and surpasses my natural submissive and passive outlook, of course!

 

 

So, what does the future hold for my online pseudonym, SapphyDe90? Simple, it holds everything that I am, what I want to do, what I want to say. It is no longer about just art, about my thoughts, about games, about politics, about anything in specific.

Thank you for reading this blog post and I hope you have a nice weekend!

Pages:

[English and Portuguese] Transitioning – Fifth Month Update

 

(Para quem não sabe ler Inglês, a versão em Português encontra-se no final)

  • 1st Month/ 1º Mês – Link
  • 2nd Month/ 2º Mês – Link
  • 3rd Month/ 3º Mês – Link
  • 4th Month/ 4º Mês – Link

 

ENGLISH

 

Hello. It’s time for another update. This one is quite important, as a few are aware of the appointment that I’ve been pointing out for a while. The 11th May.

This post.. is going to be quite different. I will not create any category. There’s no need for such this time..

 

I took my 147th Anti-Androgen on the 10th of May, Wednesday.

Wait, you may say. Wasn’t it supposed to be more 30 Anti-Androgen since last time, making it 150th on the 13th of May? There’s three missing, what happened? Unfortunately, I do have some bad news.

I’m writing this on the 11th May, on the evening. Though I’m sure that I’ll only publish this much.. much later. I’ll be out during the weekend (13th-14th), meeting new people, hopefully making new friends. I know I have been ranting about LGBT communities and other modern political aspects, being politically incorrect in my own way, preachy and bitchy about it. I’m temporary in a state of adolescence (emotionally speaking), people should already be aware of that! But, this weekend (13th-14th), I’ll be with people who, like me, suffer from the same specific issue. I’ve never been with them but.. I do feel they are different from the other groups I’ve tried and didn’t enjoy that much. I can’t generalize people, I know better than that.

 

 

Anyway, enough stalling and more direct to the point.

I’ve had the appointment. But, like I’ve hinted, there were bad news. The blood test results… weren’t good. The liver, in this case. The values have changed drastically, which has lead to the decision of.. having to stop taking any medication for the next six weeks. To find out if it’s my liver reacting badly to this medication in specific or, if there are bigger issues that need to be solved. There are Anti-Androgens that are far more friendlier to the liver. However, the liver needs to be fine in order to introduce Estrogen into my body.

In the meantime, during the next six weeks starting on the 11th of May, I won’t be taking anything. Which means that, during these weeks, there are.. aspects that will slowly degenerate back to before my transition. Of course, six weeks isn’t enough to bring me back to a state on which I was on December (Dear lord!). However, there will be a few things that will..  subtly be reverted. Hopefully, it won’t even be noticed. I hope.. Still, it won’t be anything that I won’t recover again.

 

Sadly, this does play quite a lot on my worst fears. Because thus far, life has given me obstacles to heal myself from this condition.

Life has given me a religion, that indoctrinated me, that made life difficult to fully understand and accept. But that obstacle didn’t stop me, as much grief as it caused for myself and others.

Life as given me the nationality, of a country that is economically broken, sharing the coin of the rich but having no pockets to keep it for too long and making the average citizen pay for it with their hard work and low salary. Fortunately, life as given me a good family and some form of income, despise the time it steals from my life. But it’s a painful obstacle that hasn’t stopped me thus far.

There are worst lives out there, I’m sure. However.. there would be nothing more devastating to me than, after the obstacles that I have crossed, that have stolen time, money and tears from me; the people that I had to abandon and those who have abandoned me, the roller coaster of emotions I have rode to get where I am.. Having the taste of freedom, of slowly healing myself from my dysphoria.. only to have life take it away from me because of an health issue.. that would be one of the cruelest things mother nature could do to me and.. I doubt I could live with that idea. I’m sorry..

Such thought, that it could happen, it makes me feel fragile. I’m not exaggerating when I say that, when I’m having such thoughts and what if’s, I do feel a knot on my throat.. the anxiety too much to handle and the pain can only go away with the tears that, fortunately, have become easier to roll. It would be sad if I lost that gift, among others.

 

I.. don’t want to go back. This was the best decision I’ve made in my entire life. I’ve been happier and, as said earlier, free. Free to be who I am. With evolving body tributes that were always rightfully mine since I could remember. In a way, though not completely faithful and perfect to what I envisioned when I was younger, I currently feel more beautiful than ever. No longer do I envy other women. Confident. Though I guess, at the moment, paranoia has settled given the news and the fact that it has been more than a week since I’ve stopped my medication..

 

 

Ignoring the bad news, this last month was great for me. As I’ve mentioned on the previous update, I still had to dress up as a woman everyday. Well, I’m doing so now for more than three weeks… and I feel great! Yes, people do gaze at me but I’ve learned that, when random people address me, they all treat me with “Miss/Girl”. Which is quite an achievement, considering that I’m tall and 27 years old.. still being treated as a young girl and not as “Ma’am/Lady”. In short, when people look at me, they do so because I’m tall.. among a few good features that I possess. I know this because there have been a few.. envious gazes towards me from other women. I know, I was in their position once. But now, it feels good to be on this side and to notice these things because it does make me believe that I don’t only “pass” but I’m “passing with flying colors”!

And yes, I’ve been experiencing some of that fabled “female social privilege”.. as also “annoyances”. But it’s fine, I’m just glad that I’m experiencing both the good and the bad. As in, people have been extremely nice towards me (mostly men) and there as also been some.. catcalling? Should I call it that? I still have no idea if a few men staring at me and smiling, as if asking me to smile back.. is catcalling. I have.. no idea. And I think one man, at one time, was trying to sing to me while we were on a train? I don’t know.. I couldn’t understand what he was saying, but he was extremely happy and looking at me while talking/singing from afar.

 

But I think the biggest random-encounter-with-strangers highlight this month was when I took the subway, it was quite filled with people and I had to stay next to a couple that were doing their PDA quite fervorously. The woman was the one that noticed me and she immediately stopped with her PDA just to stare at me, turning her body to fully face mine. I looked at her, to understand what was going on. She smirked, as if she was dismissing me in some way, then got back to her PDA with her boyfriend, whispering him in the ear. For a second, I thought something was wrong with my appearance.. which is a normal thing to still be a bit paranoid about now and then when someone starts staring at you for too long or starts acting strangely specifically towards you. But, during her PDA, she kept staring at me when she could and her boyfriend tried to look at me.. but she pulled his gaze away from me. And then I understood what was going on, and I shrugged inwardly, rolling my eyes subtly. She was insecure about her relationship with her boyfriend… HA!

I can’t lie. I do feel that I’m becoming extremely vain and I can’t help but flaunt my appearance. Yes, it’s shallow, I realize that. But I’m sure that this attitude of mine as of late is quite understandable, considering all the factors. I didn’t had the right teenage life where I could feel proud of my youthful body and appearance. Finally, at this age, I get to have the body and appearance that I deserve.. you can bet that I’m going to vaunt about it until I’m over this second puberty!

 

… Do you see why, dear reader, why I’m so afraid to lose all after having a taste of freedom from a crippling dysphoria? I can’t go back, I would rather live a short but a life on which I’m free than a hundred years of bitterness towards life and a dysphoria to deal with. I never understood the need for doctors to impose an healthy life (physically speaking) if, the consequence of doing so, is having a long and terrible life.

It begs the question. Would you rather live for only five more years on which you can achieve happiness and all the things you want… or would you rather live in a lonely cell, in jail for the rest of your life as long you are healthy? I know the answer, it’s a rather easy one. I do not care if I don’t get to live long, as long I can die happy. That is my current view, after experiencing the things I have in the last few months. I didn’t always think that way, mind you!

 

 

In short, I will never give up. This is yet another temporary setback in my life because; if there is karma, god, the devil or whatever, they decided my life was too easy and I needed yet another barrier because why not? If reincarnation is a thing, I must had been a terrible person in an earlier life. Or an extremely bored spirit that wanted the most bizarre new life they could think of.. for the “shits n’ giggles”.

Anyway.. I’m probably being a drama queen and my liver will be fine and it’s all a side effect from this specific Anti-Androgen. This specific medication, after all, has been banned in the United States. Why Europe still uses it is beyond me.. given that it can have a negative impact on some people. Not denying the good results, obviously.. but seriously, there are safer alternatives, why would any doctor find it appropriate to use the one that can cause 9%-20% chance of Hepatotoxicity (depending on the dose and the amount of time used)? Meh..

 

If there’s a message I want to pass to anyone that suffers from Gender Dysphoria is the following, based on my experience thus far:

No one said that it was going to be easy. No one said that all you needed to do to get rid of the cancer was to go to the doctor and take the medicine. Life is cruel and, for most people, it will impose on you events, people and other factors that will try to stop you from your path that leads to your happiness. As cheesy as it sounds, it is your willpower alone that will get you far. You need to be intelligent, patient and kind. Lose your temper and hope.. and you’ll never achieve the happiness you seek.

You need to be serious, don’t be a spoiled first world country brat that believes the world owns them anything. The world owns you nothing, you need to play by the rules. When life gives you lemons.. make lemonade, another cheesy saying but quite true in this case!

Be sensible, care for the emotions of even those that oppose you at first. Again, don’t expect anyone to understand you. Even those that, one day, say that they support you.. they will curse your very existence behind your back. Seek those that love you, that care for you and treat you like a normal human being, that want to include you in society with other people.. and not like a mystical unicorn that needs to be in a zoo with their own kind and only petted and fed once in a while (with the faint promise that they can take a picture with you and trick society, themselves and their friends that they are a very charitable humble soul.. to elevate their own egocentric and empty personality with a pretentious social status). Say no to segregation, to collectivism.. be an individual that is more than a mere cancer victim who didn’t had a childhood.

You are special and unique. Not because you have cancer, but because you are larger than life. Your personality is beautiful and people will naturally be drawn to you. Like all the others that have suffered in life, for whatever reason, you too.. can come on top graciously, with a smile on your face. Above the petty squabble from the masses who, for some reason, their biggest fears seem so small compared to the bigger issues that we (and others who suffer from much worse conditions than ours) have faced in life. They are shallow, pathetic, common, parasites.. we are not. Some will envy that, be prepared.

And, at the end, when you can finally say that you have beaten cancer.. be proud of yourself. Not because you had cancer or still has.. but because you are healing yourself from it, with your own strength and the aid of those that genuinely loved you enough and remained at your side during the whole process. They, too, are people that stand above the rabble and deserve all the love and care that you can offer. Don’t ever lose sight of them, not many of those exist in life.

Take care of yourself, be patient and kind to those around you, heal yourself with the aid of actual professionals.. be happy and a source of inspiration for those that look at you.

Beauty is pain. And those who have never suffered it, avoid it or cause unnecessary pain onto others.. are ugly.

 

 

As such, I end this post by saying that, until I know what’s happening with my liver and what the doctor has in mind, I won’t be creating more updates and I’ll not be counting these next 6-5 weeks as part of my transition. Until then, there will be other posts.. obviously!

Related to what I wrote on the other update, about sharing pictures.. if you read thus far, then I’m happy to announce that I have an Instagram account on which I just started to upload photos an’stuff! I won’t be posting a lot of pictures, since that’s not the type of gal that I am. But, if you look hard enough on this website, you’ll find a link to my Instagram! Yes, I’m filtering away the slackers and those that don’t read the things I post.. it has never been about the quantity, but about the quality of those that do read this insignificant grain of sand on the web. And no, I won’t be breaking the 4th wall anytime soon, this is the only paragraph that I’m doing so.. which is why I kept it last and on this specific post!

 

Thank you for reading this post and I apologize if I’m overreacting, if I’m being paranoid and/or dramatic.. but being neurotic is a defect that comes to the surface now and then.. specially when something unpredictable happens.

Oh.. and I’ve reached the 70-71 KG’s. It’s hard to believe that there was once a time I used to weight 113 KG’s haha..

 

 

 

PORTUGUÊS

 

Boa tarde. Está na altura de mais uma actualização. Esta actualização é bastante importante, devido à consulta que tenho feito alusão já por algum tempo. No dia 11 de Maio.

Este post.. vai ser um pouco diferente. Não irei criar categorias. Não vai ser necessário desta vez..

 

Eu consumi o meu 147º Anti-Androgeno no dia 10 de Maio, Quarta-feira.

Espera, poderão dizer. Não era suposto ter consumido mais 30 Anti-Androgenos desde a última vez, chegando aos 150 no dia 13 de Maio? Faltam três, o que aconteceu? Infelizmente, tenho más noticiais.

Estou a escrever isto no dia 11 de Maio, numa noite. Apesar de ter a certeza que apenas irei publicar este post muito… muito mais tarde. Estarei fora no fim de semana (dia 13 e 14), para conhecer novas pessoas, com a esperança de criar novas amizades. Eu sei que tenho falado muito acerca das comunidades LGBT e outros aspectos políticos da nossa actualidade, sendo politicamente incorrecta dentro da minha normalidade, exaustivamente e mázinha ao fazer tal. Afinal de contas, estou num estado de adolescência temporariamente (emocionalmente), as pessoas já deviam ter consciência disso! Mas, este fim de semana (dia 13 e 14), estarei com pessoas que, como eu, sofrem da mesma condição que eu em específico. Nunca estive com eles mas.. eu acho que eles são diferentes dos outros grupos que tentei e que não gostei muito. Não posso generalizar as pessoas, eu bem sei disso.

 

 

De qualquer forma, chega de postergar e finalmente ser directa ao assunto.

Eu tive a consulta. Mas, como aludi anteriormente, as noticiais foram más. As análises ao sangue.. não estavam boas. O fígado, neste caso. Os valores mudaram drasticamente, o que fez com que a decisão mais informada da médica fosse.. parar de tomar qualquer estilo de medicação durante as próximas seis semanas. Para saber se os valores alteraram-se devido à medicação em si ou se existem problemas mais graves que precisam de ser resolvidos. Existem Anti-Androgenos que são muito mais amigáveis para o fígado. No entanto, o fígado precisa de estar saudável antes de ser introduzido Estrogénio no meu corpo.

Portanto, durante as próximas seis semanas a começar no dia 11 de Maio, eu não irei consumir nenhuma medicação. O que significa que, durante essas semanas, vai existir.. aspectos que vão se degenerar lentamente para um tempo antes da transição. Claro, seis semanas não é suficiente para trazer-me de volta para aquilo que era em Dezembro (Credo!). Mesmo assim, vai existir alguns aspectos que vão.. subtilmente se reverter. Esperançosamente, pode ser que nem se note. Eu espero.. Felizmente, não é nada que não possa ser recuperado de novo.

 

Infelizmente, esta noticia brinca um pouco com os meus piores medos. Porque até agora, a vida tem-me fornecido obstáculos pelo qual se mantiveram à frente do meu objectivo de curar-me desta condição.

A vida me concedeu uma religião, que doutrinou-me, que fez com que a minha vida fosse difícil de entender e de aceitar. Mas esse obstáculo não foi suficiente para impedir-me, apesar do sofrimento que causei a mim mesma e a outros.

A vida me concedeu uma nacionalidade, de um país que está economicamente falido, partilhando a moeda dos que são ricos mas sem um bolso suficientemente largo para manter essa riqueza por muito tempo e fazendo com que os cidadãos da classe média e baixa paguem com o seu trabalho árduo e salário baixo. Felizmente, a vida me concedeu uma boa família e um salário, apesar do tempo que isso rouba da minha vida. Mas é um obstáculo doloroso que ainda não me impediu.

Existem piores vidas, tenho a certeza. Apesar disso.. não poderia existir algo mais devastador para mim do que, depois destes obstáculos que já atravessei; o tempo, dinheiro e lágrimas que esses me roubaram da minha vida; as pessoas que tive de abandonar e aquelas que me abandonaram, a montanha russa de emoções que eu tenho viajado para chegar a este ponto.. saborear a liberdade, da cura para a minha disforia.. apenas para a vida me retirar tudo devido a um problema de saúde.. isso seria uma das maiores crueldades que a natureza poderia fazer a mim e… duvido que conseguiria viver com essa idea. Desculpem..

Tais pensamentos, do que poderá acontecer, faz-me sentir fragilizada. Não estou a exagerar quando digo que, quando tenho esses pensamentos e os “e se’s”, eu sinto um nó no esófago.. a ansiedade demasiada e que apenas se vai embora com as lágrimas que advém logo após que, felizmente, tem se tornado fáceis de se obter. Seria triste perder essa dádiva, entre outras.

 

Eu.. não quero voltar atrás. Esta foi a melhor decisão que tomei na minha vida. Tenho sentido feliz e, como disse antes, livre. Livre de ser quem eu sou. Desenvolvendo atributos físicos que sempre me pertenceram desde que eu me lembro. Até de certa forma, apesar de não ser completamente fiel e perfeita em comparação com a minha visão que tinha quanto era nova, eu sinto actualmente mais bonita do que alguma fez fui outrora. Nunca mais invejei outras mulheres. Confiante. Mas acredito que, de momento, a paranoia está presente em mim devido às noticias e pelo facto de que já passou mais de uma semana desde que deixei de tomar a medicação..

 

 

Ignorando as más noticiais, este último mês tem sido muito bom para mim. Como disse na actualização mensal anterior, eu ainda tinha que vestir-me todos os dias com roupa adequada. Bem.. já estou a fazê-lo por mais de três semanas… e tenho sentido muito bem! Sim, as pessoas olham para mim mas eu descobri que, quando as pessoas da rua tentam se comunicar comigo, todas elas me tratam por “Menina/Jovem”. O que é uma grande conquista, considerando que sou alta e tenho 27 anos de idade.. ainda sendo trata como uma jovem rapariga e não como uma “Senhora/Dona”. Por poucas palavras, as pessoas quando olham para mim, o fazem porque sou alta.. e tenho alguns bons atributos físicos. Eu sei isso porque tem existo alguns.. olhares invejosos de outras mulheres. Eu sei, já tive na posição delas no passado. Mas agora, sabe bem estar neste lado e notar que isto agora acontece porque faz-me acreditar que eu não apenas “passo”, mas “passo e muito bem obrigada”!

E sim, tenho tido algumas experiências daquilo que se chama de “privilégio social de mulher”.. como também “inconveniências”. Mas tudo bem, apenas estou grata de que estou a ter esta experiência para o bem e para o mal. Como por exemplo, as pessoas tem sido mais simpáticas para comigo (mais os homens) e também tem existido alguns casos de.. “catcalling” (para falta de melhor expressão em português)? Será que devo de tratar esses casos por tal? Ainda não tenho bem a certeza se o olhar de alguns dos homens para comigo e a sorrirem, como se estivessem a pedir que sorrisse de volta.. é catcalling. Eu.. não sei. E eu acho que houve um homem, numa altura, que estava a tentar cantar para mim enquanto estávamos num comboio? Eu não sei.. eu não consegui perceber nada daquilo que ele estava a dizer, mas parecia estar bastante feliz e a olhar para mim enquanto falava e cantava com alguma distância de mim.

 

Mas eu acho que o melhor encontro-com-estranhos-em-locais-públicos neste mês foi quando decidi entrar num metro, estando tal cheio de pessoas e eu tive que ficar ao lado de um casal a demonstrar o seu afecto em público muito fervorosamente. A mulher foi aquele que tomou nota de mim e ela imediatamente parou com o seu teatro com o namorado apenas para olhar para mim, o corpo dela frente com o meu. Eu olhei para ela, para perceber do que estava a acontecer. Ela sorriu, com certo desprezo por alguma razão, e depois voltou para o seu romance com o namorado, falando-lhe ao ouvido. Por um momento, pensei que algo estava de errado com a minha aparência.. o que é algo ainda normal de acontecer visto que existe ainda alguma ansiedade de vez em quando quando alguém olha para mim por muito tempo ou começa a agir de forma estranha para comigo. Mas, durante a encenação pública, ela continuava a olhar para mim quando podia e, quando o namorado dela tentava olhar para mim, ela puxava a atenção dele para ela mesma imediatamente para não olhar para mim. E depois percebi o que estava a acontecer, e eu ignorei um pouco o que estava a acontecer, revirando os olhos subtilmente. Ela sentia-se insegura com respeito à relação entre ela e o namorado… HA!

Não posso mentir. Eu sinto que tenho me tornado bastante vaidosa e eu não consigo conter aquela necessidade de expor a minha aparência. Sim, é superficial, tenho consciência disso. Mas eu sei que esta minha atitude de recente é compreensível, considerando todos os factores. Eu não tive a mesma vida de adolescente que as outras mulheres em que poderia sentir algum orgulho pela minha aparência e corpo jovem. Finalmente, com esta idade, eu tenho o corpo e aparência que mereço.. podem ter bem a certeza que eu vou vangloriar-me até que esta segunda puberdade acabe!

 

… Será que agora percebem, caros leitores, do porquê eu ter receio de perder tudo depois de ter adquirido direito à amostra da liberdade para a disforia que me incapacitou? Eu não posso voltar atrás, eu prefiro viver uma vida curta mas uma vida pelo qual sou livre do que cem anos de amargura pela vida e pela disforia que tenho. Eu não percebo esta necessidade dos médicos imporem uma vida saudável (fisicamente falando) se, a consequência de tal, é ter uma vida longe mas terrível e infeliz.

Isso levanta uma questão pertinente. Preferiam viver por apenas mais cinco anos pelo qual consegues alcançar a felicidade e tudo aquilo que sempre quiseram… ou preferiam viver uma vida longa numa prisão, entre quatro paredes para o resto da vossa vida desde que estejam saudáveis? Eu sei a resposta, é muito fácil de responder. Eu não quero saber se acabo por viver menos tempo, desde que morra feliz e sem rancor. Esta é a minha posição actual, depois da minha experiência de vida que tenho tido nestes últimos meses. Eu não costumava pensar dessa forma, mas agora penso!

 

 

Por poucas palavras, eu nunca irei desistir. Isto é mais uma barreira temporária na minha vida porque; se existe karma, o diabo ou sei lá mais o quê, eles decidiram que a minha vida era fácil demais e de que eu precisa ainda mais de uma barreira porque não? Se a reencarnação é algo real, então eu devo ter sido uma pessoa horrível numa vida anterior. Ou um espírito qualquer que estava aborrecido desejou uma vida nova muito bizarra.. só porque “não tinha mais nada que fazer”.

De qualquer forma.. eu provavelmente estou a ser dramática e o meu fígado ficará bem e tudo não será mais do que um efeito secundário deste Anti-Androgeno em específico. Esta medicação em específico, afinal de contas, foi banida nos Estados Unidos. O porquê da Europa ainda utilizar esta medicação é estranho.. visto que pode ter um efeito negativo para algumas pessoas. Não estou a negar os resultados excelentes, obviamente.. mas existem melhores alternativas. Porque é que um médico iria achar apropriado usar um medicamento que pode causar entre 9 %-20% de chance de Hepatotoxicidade (dependendo da dose e do tempo que se tem consumido)? Meh..

 

Se existe alguma mensagem que desejo transmitir para alguém que sofra de Disforia de Género é a seguinte, baseado na minha experiência pessoal até agora:

Ninguém disse que iria ser fácil. Ninguém disse que tudo o que precisavas para livrares do cancro era de ir ao médico e tomar a medicação. A vida é cruel e, para muitas pessoas, irá impor-te eventos, pessoas e outros factores que irão tentar travar-te no caminho para a tua felicidade. Por muito cliché que seja, é a tua força de vontade apenas que te vai ajudar a chegar longe. Necessitas de ser inteligente, paciente e uma pessoa bondosa. Perde o temperamento e esperança.. e nunca chegarás à felicidade que procuras.

Precisas de ser uma pessoa séria, não sejas uma criança do primeiro mundo mimada que acredita que o mundo lhes deve algo. O mundo não te deve nada, tens que obedecer às regras. Quando a vida te fornece limões.. faz limonada, um outro cliché mas que é bastante verdade neste caso!

Sê sensível, preocupa-te com as emoções até mesmo daqueles que vão opor-se a ti. De novo, não esperes que alguém te compreenda. Até mesmo aqueles que, um dia, dizem que te aceitam e querem ajudar.. eles vão-te amaldiçoar-te quando estiverem longe dos teus ouvidos e outros sentidos. Procura aqueles que te amam, que se preocupam contigo e que te tratam como um ser humano normal, que querem incluir-te na sociedade com o resto do mundo.. e que não te tratam como um unicórnio místico que precisa de habitar um zoo juntamente com o resto da manada e que apenas têm direito a festinhas no pelo e comida de vez em quando (com a promessa oca de que eles poderão tirar uma fotografia contigo para enganarem a sociedade, elas mesmas e os seus amigos com a ideia de serem almas humildes e caridosas.. para elevarem o seu próprio ego e falta de personalidade com um estatuto social pretensioso). Diz não à segregação, ao colectivismo.. sê uma pessoa individual que é mais do que apenas uma mera vitima de cancer que não teve direito a uma infância.

Tu és especial e uma pessoa única. Não porque tens cancro, mas porque és impressionante. A tua personalidade é bonita e as pessoas vão sentir atraídas por ti. Como todas as outras pessoas que sofreram nas suas vidas, independentemente da razão, tu também.. podes ser alguém que vai superar as dificuldades no topo, com um sorriso na cara. Acima das disputas insignificantes do povo em geral que, por alguma razão, os maiores medos dessas pessoas são tão mesquinhos em comparação com os maiores problemas que nós (e todas as outras pessoas que também sofrem ainda piores coisas na vida) já enfrentamos na nossa vida. Eles são superficiais, patéticos, básicos, parasitas.. nós não. E muitas pessoas vão sentir inveja devido a isso, prepara-te.

E, no fim, quando tu finalmente conquistares o cancro que te aflige.. sente orgulho de ti mesmo/a. Não porque tiveste cancro ou ainda tens.. mas porque tu estás a curar-te de tal, com as tuas próprias forças e com a ajuda daqueles que te amaram genuinamente e o suficiente para ficarem ao teu lado durante todo o processo, a tua viagem pela vida. Eles, também, são pessoas que estão acima da escumalha e que merecem todo o amor e carinho que possas lhes oferecer. Não percas de vista essas pessoas, não existem muitas dessas ao longo da vida.

Cuida bem de ti, sê paciente e uma pessoa bondosa para todos os que te rodeiam, cura-te com a ajuda dos verdadeiros profissionais.. sê feliz e uma fonte de inspiração para aqueles que olham para ti.

Para ser-se uma pessoa bonita, tem que se sofrer. E todos os que nunca sofreram dor séria, ou evitam ou causam dor desnecessária a outros.. são criaturas feias.

 

 

E assim, eu termino este post por dizer que, até eu saber o que está a acontecer com o meu fígado e o que o médico tem em mente, eu não vou criar mais actualizações e não irei contar estes próximos 6-5 semanas como parte da minha transição. Até lá, haverá outros posts.. claro!

Relacionado com o que escrevi na actualização anterior, acerca da partilha de fotos.. se conseguiram ler até aqui, então fico feliz de informar de que eu já tenho uma conta de Instagram pelo qual irei começar a fazer upload de fotos e coizinhas! Não vou fazer upload de muitas fotos, visto que não sou desse estilo de rapariga. Mas, se procurarem bem neste site, irão conseguir encontrar o link para o meu Instagram! Sim, estou a filtrar os preguiçosos e aqueles que não prestam atenção ao que escrevo e faço.. nunca foi do meu desejo ter números, apenas pessoas de qualidade que lêem este grão de areia no meio da internet. E não, não vou quebrar a 4ª parede assim tão cedo, este é apenas o único parágrafo que estou a fazer isso.. e a razão de ter mantido esta notícia para último neste post muito específico!

 

Obrigada por lerem este post e peço desculpa se estou a ser dramática e/ou  paranóica.. mas ser neurótica é um defeito que vem à superfície deves em quanto.. especialmente quando algo imprevisível acontece.

Ah.. e cheguei aos 70-71 KG’s. É difícil de acreditar que ouve uma altura da minha vida que pesei 113 KG’s haha..

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A Non (Binary) issue

(Obligatory self pat on the back about the featured image)

 

Good afternoon!

We all knew this was going to happen sooner or later. The day I would post something this specific, about a very special group of individuals! The Non-binary. The people that claim there are more than two genders and call themselves “Trans”. Because labels are fun, specially when you don’t even know what the label means!

Of course, before I start spouting my own opinions as if anybody asked or cared, it’s best to describe a few terms.

A non-binary individual is someone that believes they are neither male or female. They claim to be somewhere in between, or nowhere, or all. They also believe that gender itself is a social construct, which ironically goes strictly against what a transgender/transsexual is and has been proven to be (in short, a belief that goes against scientific evidence itself). Normally, though I agree that it is a wide generalization (#NotAll), most of these individuals tend to be left leaning activists that adhere to the ideas and believes of Third Wave Feminism.

In short, non-binary individuals tend to be obnoxiously political about their own believes and feelings. Their evidence about their own core believes is never rooted on science and reality but, instead, on philosophical attempts to question the very basics of life and identity. Fuzzy logic and overall logic fallacies.

Obviouly, they are able to maintain their positions within the supposed “LGBT communities” given how they enjoy waving around the wrongly misplaced label of being “Trans”. Which, for many of the cisgendered people who don’t know any better, fall for it given that most Transsexuals (rightfully so) tend to lead average lives like most members of society (once they are able to “pass”) and don’t spend their entire lives waving around a flag and shouting on the megaphones about conspiracy theories, like the existence of a “patriarchal society”. Which only leaves the politically driven Non-Binary to lead the “movement” in the name of “the Trans”.

 

Yeah, you can tell that this is an issue that upsets me and other actual Transgender/Transsexual individuals. I’m not the only one that says that Non-Binary people have become an issue and a misrepresentation of what a Transgender and Transsexual is. Though that by itself doesn’t mean that our issues with them are automatically valid, I have yet to be convinced that I’m wrong. I am obviously open for debate on these issues! But I do warn that I am stubborn which, to my understanding, it’s a very neat trait. Oh and trying to appeal to my emotions won’t work, given that the damage provoked by Non-Binary individuals is greater than anything they take issues with.

 

The obvious problems with the Non-Binary movement can easily be solved if they, themselves, stop calling themselves “Trans”.

But what are the problems that the Non-Binary movement provoke to actual Transgender and Transsexual people?

 

 

ONE. MISREPRESENTATION.

The number of actual Transgender/Transsexual individuals in the world is roughly less than 1%. Though the exact number is incredibly hard to determine, given that most Transgender and Transsexual people do decide to lead average lives and not be open about their condition once they are able to “pass”. Or, some of them, have decided not to transition and to hide their true feelings from society.

Unlike those who are Gay, Lesbian and Bisexuals; Transgender and Transsexuals are not a sexual orientation but, in fact, are victims of both biological and psychological anomalies that have been wired in their genetics and misfortunes on themselves or in their mother’s womb on an hormonal level. In short, unlike a sexual orientation, that is natural; no matter if one is Heterossexual, Gay, Lesbian or Bisexual; Transgender and Transsexual people are not a natural occurrence, but an health condition. Which is why Transgender individuals search for medical aid to solve their health conditions (both mentally and physical aid).

To determine if someone is Transgender and qualified for proper treatment, it’s best to be absolutely sure that the person claiming to be Transgender does suffer from Gender Dysphoria. Gender Dysphoria is the only determine factor that separates someone psychotic or delusional from someone that has a mental disorder because they are biologically driven and mentally wired to be someone of the opposite sex. The dysphoria itself, though a mental disorder, it does not mean that the gender identity of the person is false/fake. The dysphoria exists because the gender identity (that is true and has to be proven by the doctors before any hormonal treatment) does not match the person’s biological sex.

When a Transgender person is given permission to start their treatment (if they so desire to transition), the correct label for that individual becomes the label of a “Transsexual”. A Transsexual is the term used to describe a Transgender person that has started their treatment, since it has been proven that the Transgender individual does suffer from Gender Dysphoria, therefore Transsexualism.

It is also important to note that, as everyone knows (hopefully), there are only two sexes and the rare condition called intersex, which is an anomaly that happens when someone has a mixture of both sexes and, unlike what some people say, it’s not a third sex. Gender, though something that, in case of an anomaly, can differ from someone’s biological sex, is still tied up to biological factors. And since there are only two sexes, it means there are only two genders. Male and Female. It is binary, though it is true that not every man is incredibly macho masculine and not every woman is a feminine princess/queen. And that is fine and lovely, but that does make it an entire new gender.

 

This is where the Non-Binary come in and misrepresent the facts about Transgender and Transsexual people.

First, they’ll claim that gender is a social construct which, by that logic, there wouldn’t be any Transgender and Transsexual people since that means that society taught them to behave and think exactly like those that share their biological sex. There wouldn’t be any Tomboys or Feminine boys either, since everyone would be close to a perfect male or female specimen. But that isn’t true. Which is why their whole existence and claim that they are “Trans” is, by itself, an offence to people who actually suffer from Gender Dysphoria and have a Gender Identity that doesn’t match their biological sex!

Second, they’ll claim that not every “Trans” person suffers from Gender Dysphoria. This belief comes from the obvious fact that Non-Binary people don’t actually suffer from Gender Dysphoria and, since they want to be called “Trans” soo badly, for god knows what reason since there’s absolutely no pride in calling yourself one (much like yelling out of your lungs “I have cancer”. Having cancer is nothing to be proud about), they try to shoehorn this belief into the “LGBT communities” and, therefore, society. Which is false, much like someone claiming to have cancer but saying that they don’t have cancerous cells in their body. This claim feels like a slap and an attempt to diminish the issues of those who still struggle with their Gender Dysphoria, which is infuriating at best! Given that they pass the belief that, those who suffer from Gender Dysphoria, are the ones that need to seek psychological aid since “not every Trans suffers from dysphoria” or, in short, a mental disorder. Again, it gives the wrong impression that, those who don’t suffer from the mental disorder, should be leading, aiding and speaking on behalf of those who do suffer from it.

Third, they’ll claim that there are more than two genders; which is something that Transgender and Transsexual people know to be false by heart (or I hope that they do because, more than anyone on this planet, our very existence is evidence of such). This diminishes and blurs the meaning of Gender Identity which is, for many people in this world, already a confusing aspect to grasp. Since Non-Binary people don’t seem to understand the difference between Gender and Personality/Quirks/Taste/Expression/Fashion. Again, if they were actually Transgender and/or Transsexual, they would know the difference by heart. But since they are not, they continue to spread this false belief that goes against reality and what being Transgender and Transsexual actually means. Don’t worry though, most cisgender people don’t know the difference either!

 

 

TWO. POLITICS.

We can all pretend that the Non-Binary movement is “Trans” for the sake of being inclusive and sensitive. Which, again, doesn’t work since, ironically, it excludes and is highly infuriating for actual Transgender and Transsexuals who find themselves not identifying with these so called “Trans”, given how their believes are opposite to anything that has already been proven.

But let us point to the elephant in the room in this movement and call out the fact that almost every non-binary person is, in fact, a Third Wave Feminist. Or, if not, they are inclined to agree and support social justice movements directly or indirectly. Which makes it seem as if their claims and activism is nothing more than a way to revolt “against society”. Which is why they are against what they call “cisnormativity”. Against “the patriarchy” (a conspiracy theory that claims that western society is brain washed to always favor men over women given centuries of indoctrination provoked by powerful bigoted men).

It is no wonder that some Non-Binary people, besides being obnoxiously political, have waved the flags of Anarchy and Communism. Let alone that those are two completely different and almost opposite political views (one is extremely authoritarian, the other is extremely libertarian. There’s no way both can co-exist in the same society. And while at it, liberal does not mean libertarian and right does not mean authoritarian. There are left leaning authoritarians and there can also be right wing libertarians. Politics is not a line, but a mostly two dimensional spectrum).

In short, besides, again, misrepresenting actual Transgender and Transsexual individuals (which most of them don’t even care about politics and, some of them, are even right winged); it feels as if non-binary people have a problem against society and, claiming to be non-binary, is yet another attempt to revolt against society rather than a genuine struggle that they might be suffering. It is rather strange, though not surprising that when most people nowadays, when they think of someone that is Trangender/Transsexual; their idea is that they are people who are politically driven and want to change society, challenging the status quo. That Transgender and Transsexual people are showing society that men can wear skirts too and women can be incredibly manly. Again, it is very frustrating that this is the image that society has of actual Transgender and Transsexual people when they see obnoxious left leaning radicals speak on their behalf with their conspiracy theories and what can be, unfortunately, compared to a teenage/mid-age rebellion/identity crisis. In short, it makes it seem like we are all Cultural Marxists! No thank you, that’s not what actual Transgender and Transsexual people are (of course there might actually exist a very small percentage of those that are, because we are individuals and not a hive mind collective/cult).

 

Transgender and Transsexual people are individuals and, most of them, don’t want anything to do with politics or these recent rebellions. They are people who are trying to solve their dysphoria and difference between their gender identity and biological sex. Not all of them are left leaning. Not all of them are communists or socialists. Not all of them are right leaning. Not all of them are libertarian. Not all of them are authoritarian. We are normal people like everyone else who, unfortunately, we’re tricked by nature.. NOT SOCIETY.

We don’t need to be “liberated” from a “heteronormative and patriarchal society”. We don’t need people to think that our condition is “natural” (it isn’t), as if we were Gay, Lesbian or Bissexual. What we need actually, is people to be educated about our HEALTH CONDITION! Not pitied, patronized by simple minded buffoons that refuse to listen. But helped by professionals, who know what they are doing because they didn’t take a feminist degree but studied and spent days and nights doing something in their lives besides complaining about a “wage gap” and that they didn’t get a job because the “patriarchy” didn’t allow them to work or achieve much with a useless feminist diploma!

 

…I hope people realize that this is how I got myself in a political rabbit hole in the last two years. Not because I like politics. Not because I want to “change the world”, politically speaking. But to be aware and be able to debunk these believes that are shared in the left leaning society, thanks to these “LGBT communities” that have blindly and ignorantly submitted themselves to the ideologies that I’ve came to despise more and more with time. And every time I’ve tried to speak up my mind, I’ve always been patronized and silenced by those with opposing views. As if, in their perspective, my “ignorance” is cute and they are the epitome of morality, knowledge and truth; the instructors that have to teach me, to open my eyes.

Bitch, I’m a cult survivor who came to the top and was still able to wait patiently for five years to be diagnosed, given permission to the appropriate treatments. I have a job because I didn’t surrender to the despair of my dysphoria for all eternity. Because I didn’t took a useless degree in gender studies or glued myself to online blogs and eco chambers. Someone that is more than a Transgender, more than your average basic “normie” pop cultured woman. I draw, I have passions and motivations. Dreams. I’m creative, a storyteller, also a designer. I also once took a three year course in programming that, though I don’t remember much since it was nearly 10 years ago, it only means that I have a certain autonomy in most things related to software and customization of webpages and coding (if I’m feeling inclined and motivated). Someone that, despise all the odds, still is able to have a healthy relationship with her family. Because I wasn’t a self entitled rebel adult teenager who cried “bigoted” and ran away from home, giving up on their own parents and loved ones just because they first reacted violently or negatively. Someone who, despise some of you crying that society is “bad” towards Transgender and Transsexual people, I am slowly being accepted (though quite easily may I add) by my own neighbors. Someone who even had an positive effect on certain people that held conflicting views of the world, people that now root for me in silence and prayer. Not because I held signs, flags and megaphones in the air like a pretentious snob; but because I was discreet, kind and respectful towards even my worst enemies. That’s how you change the hearts and minds of those who, at first, oppose you. Not with laws and screeching. So, who are YOU to patronize or pity me and my ideas? I’m a winner that keeps winning, like every other actual Transgender/Transsexual and people who suffered injustice in their lives who, despise all the odds, came out on top with their heads held high and humble after being victims of misfortune. The fact is that most of you wouldn’t be able to survive if you had the lives that we had because you lack the willpower, patience, intelligence and empathy to keep going gracefully! Side rant over!

I’m aware that this previous paragraph wasn’t humble and was quite self congratulatory. It was a rant, a necessary one in hope that some people will wake up, an insignificant mumble in cyberspace. Being Transgender and Transsexual is not something to be proud, much like having cancer. But beating cancer, however, is something to be proud of. And what I admire is, people who actually suffer from major issues and injustices in their lives, they never look down on anyone. They remain humble, kind and respectful towards others, despise the fact that they succeed at life. And it boggles my mind how there are people who look down on those that, despise all odds, came on top as winners. People who look at those as different and inferior, despise being successful while, funny enough, those judgmental assholes probably never had anything that stopped them from having a successful life but, somehow, they ended up with a mediocre boring life in a corner, never to be remembered by history and forgotten after their grandchildren start having children of their own… if they are even lucky enough to have children of their own!

 

 

THREE. BAD ADVISES.

Let us imagine this scenario:

You are genuinely a Transgender individual. Someone that suffers from Gender Dysphoria. You feel that you are alone in this world and you decide to seek aid from those you’ve learned that they are qualified for such. An “LGBT community”. Of course, you are desperate and you are emotionally vulnerable, so you seek this “community”. You are approached and you express your emotions and predicaments. They seem to receive you well and they are ready to offer their aid.

Now, obviously, the best aid a Transgender person can get is directions on which hospital, clinic or doctor they should seek. To be properly diagnosed and given the necessary care. The “LGBT community” role should be to, not only give the necessary directions on how to get the process started, but to also aid the Transgender-soon-to-be-Transsexual individual to have a normal and satisfying life among the other people in society. Help them with their professional life. Advise them on how to talk to their family members and friends. So on.

To some extend, that’s what a Transgender individual gets in most “LGBT communities”. But, again, life tricked you and gave you a non-binary activist as your life coach. You explain that your family and friends don’t understand you. The activist will say that the “patriarchy” is to blame, screw society. You expose your fears of never being able to “pass”, even with your transition. The activist will say that it’s “cisnormative/heteronormative” and that’s bad, blame society. Maybe you aren’t even sure that you are transgender and you explain how you feel about your gender identity. The activist clasp their hands with a smile and suggest that, maybe, that genuine Transgender is.. perhaps Non-Binary. Or maybe you don’t earn enough money for your process and you fear that you’ll never be able to be yourself. The activist will ponder for a moment and suggest that, maybe, you don’t need to transition at all; that maybe it’s best to self-identify as a “Non-Binary”, because it’s cheaper (I wish that I was joking but I’ve heard tales of this happening several times in the past in certain communities and it wouldn’t be far-fetched to believe that this actually happens).

Since you are emotionally vulnerable, you actually consider the things the activist advised to you. The activist starts seeking you to join them and their friends to some good ol’fashioned political activism. To make you feel that you are part of a community (while, at the same time, giving away your precious time and money that you won’t get back. Time that could had been wasted trying to find a job or, god forbid, seeking actual aid from those “gosh darn bigoted” professionals. Ah well, free labor and donations for the community). Slowly, you look around and you find yourself in an eco chamber. All your friends are part of the “LGBT community”. All your friends have the same political position. All your friends are victims of a “patriarchal society”. You start to hate society as it is and blame it for your condition. Those with opposing views… … Oh and you still suffer quite a lot from Gender Dysphoria, and the only suggestions you’ll get is to dye your hair every color of the rainbow and to wear clothing from both the men and women’s aisles.. because that’s exactly how you help someone with Gender Dysphoria (obvious sarcasm)!

Congratulations, you have been indoctrinated and you are now part of a political social movement. In short, a cult. Because cults aren’t a thing that exist only on the spiritual/religious sense. It’s okay, people fall for tribalism all the time, me included.

 

Seriously, do yourself a favor and seek professional aid if you are an actual Transgender person. From an actual psychologist, even if you have to spend some money. Find out how you can find a clinic or medical team in some hospital that can diagnose you, that can aid you with your transition (if that’s what you end up deciding to do).

If you really need to feel like you are part of a community with people that share the same issue as you, find one that is strictly for people with Gender Dysphoria. Not one that is part of a wide umbrella of alphabet soups, since you are less than likely to find someone like us. These smaller communities that only deal with Gender Dysphoria tend to not be politically driven and they will help you with your treatments and to have a mostly comfortable and normal life in society, together with everyone else. They will not suggest segregation, but for you to be an happy individual among other individuals in this world.

And don’t give up on your family and friends. Even if they reject you, don’t throw selfish tantrums around. There are no bad people, only people who have been badly educated. Don’t act with anger, but with kindness. Be nice, even to those that hate you. Do them favors anyway, try to do the things that they ask of you.. even if you know it won’t work. They don’t know it won’t work, they need to see their own advises failing to make you happy. And once they get to see that their aid is making you even more miserable, they will become human and they will start listening to you. Give them time and they will learn to accept you. And who knows, they may even end up supporting you!

 

 

SUGGESTIONS FOR THE NON-BINARY

I know I know. First I mocked your believes. Then I’ve claimed that you are delusional. Then I said that people shouldn’t listen to you.

Trust me when I say this, I don’t hate you. I’m not even upset about what you believe in or identify as. I will respect your pronouns because I like to make people feel good. I gain nothing from being insensitive towards you.

I even had the pleasure to speak and talk to one Non-Binary person before. Someone that has tried to reach out for me plenty of times, which I’m aware that I’ve been declining every attempt by that person to approach me. Though, to my defense, it’s because this person has only been trying to invite me to activities and gatherings that are “LGBT themed”. Sorry, that’s not my thing, I have tried, not a fan… but next time, if you just want to have some coffee or an average lunch/dinner somewhere (without the need to bring a group/gathering of “Trans” or “LGBT folk” with you), feel free to invite me! I would love that, actually. I’m an introvert, not much into “large gatherings of strangers for parties/events”. But small thought out simple yet warm, calm and cozy hangouts are my favorite! Just don’t arrange anything in nature, in the forests or outdoor parks. It’s spring, I have allergies!

 

The issue I take is that, because of your believes and labels, people can’t distinguish between someone that is Non-Binary and someone that is Transgender/Transsexual. It’s not about exclusion or segregation, it is not because you are not “Transgender/Transsexual” enough. Being Transgender/Transsexual is.. not something to take pride of. It’s an issue, much like cancer or even a genetic disease or mutation. You either have it or you don’t. You need to have Gender Dysphoria in order to be Transgender. A Transgender/Transsexual individual only identifies as either male or female.

I don’t mind that you believe there are more than two genders. I don’t even mind that you believe gender is a social construct. The same way I don’t mind that some religious people believe that I’m a sinner. However, the only solution I came up with thus far to make this fair for both groups is… if you stop calling yourself “Trans”. You’ve already labeled yourselves as “Non-Binary”, you already have your own flag. Use those things if it makes you happy and part of something big.

Just.. for the love of everything nice, please do not use genuine Transgender and Transsexual people as your shield for your believes and political agenda. Do not change the laws that support genuine Transgender/Transsexual people just so you can feel more “included”.

I’m already safe, from whatever damage you may cause to the law from this point forward. But I’m thinking about the future of others who will be influenced by your political movements in the name of the “Trans community”. I’m here to say, as someone who wants to also better understand the Non-Binary dilemmas, that I will not remain this silent for too long about your movement. Once my transition (and life overall) becomes more stable, I will take more visible steps to spread my concerns about the Non-Binary movement and how that is an issue for genuine Transgender and Transsexual people. Do not think that I will remain here in this little and insignificant blog for too long, talking to these digital walls.

 

I’ve grown.. extremely tired of this cultural war, of having the “LGBT communities” and certain dominant feminist figures and groups spreading their conspiracy theories about society and misinformation about actual Transgender/Transsexual individuals. I fear for the future of those that have yet to step forward, because I do feel that I have been lucky, considering how I’ve started my treatment and was diagnosed in the right time in history and political climate in my country. If it were one or two years too late, things could had went much worse for me and the laws would be working against me. If it were before 2010-11, the laws would be working against me as well.

I want things to get better, not worse. And I won’t be unfair for the Non-Binary either. But right now, things are heading in a direction that is unfair for those that suffer from Gender Dysphoria. and there aren’t many people in this country offering fair counterpoints to these “LGBT communities” and political movements that support these opposing believes.

 

 

Anyway, I believe that I’ve shared enough about this issue for now. I’m going to enjoy the rest of the afternoon and evening, it’s holiday here (Worker’s Day).

Tomorrow it’s the 2nd May. It’s going to be my birthday! Going to request a new ID (yay, changing my name and sex legally with the approval and diagnosis from a good number of doctors and professionals), going to work and then.. going to have a pleasant dinner~

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Warcraft Short Story – Sanity is an Illusion

 

 

Gnomeregan

The former capital city and true evidence of Gnome ingenuity. Though the Gnomes, to this very day, are still trying to retake their home slowly from the hands of Sicco Thermaplugg, one cannot deny that this race is one of the most intelligent of all Azeroth. Their kindness also knows no bounds, given that they are able to maintain a smile and still aid their allies, despise the events that have placed plenty of their own kind in danger and without a home. It will take a few more years to retake Gnomeregan, to clean it from the radiation, the troggs and from Thermaplugg himself!

However, this story takes place long before the events that have lead to the invasion of the Troggs.

 

 

Midrixie, a female Gnome that was still trying to reach adulthood, was the only child that lived with her loving parents. She was also familiar with a few other members of her family, enjoying a rather cozy social environment with those of the same blood. Together, they focused on forging metals and crafting. To create cogs, bolts and other basic necessities that a tinker needs. It was their business, though some of the family members also possessed other hobbies on their own. Midrixie was no different, being an outgoing Gnome that took interest in the most philosophical questions of the time.

While it’s true that the Gnomish historical records are very scarce, Midrixie would still question the purpose of life and how Gnomes came to be. In a forward thinking meritocratic society that values the inventions and technological breakthroughs and contributions from every individual, there has always been room for Gnomes who enjoyed studying particular fields. Her family and peers saw that aspect of her as only temporary. She was a teenager, still trying to reach adulthood and finding her own path, perhaps even a subtle hint of rebellion. Her questions could very well had meant that her future was one of a devoted in the arts of the arcane.

 

Given her family’s suspicions and predictions, they tried to encourage her thirst for answers to the most existential questions in life by asking one of their own family friends to come and visit their daughter. To answer her questions, to use her curiosity in something productive. Perhaps, even one day, becoming a Mage or, even more peculiar, a Techno Mage. This middle aged female Gnome’s name was Indus; clearly given by ambitious progenitors who wanted her daughter to be just as great as Indus, “the inventor” of Dalaran and member of the Council of Tirisfal more than two millenniums ago.

Indus, when proposed to explore the potential within Midrixie to unravel the wonders of the arcane, felt flattered and pleased with the idea of having an aspiring apprentice. Midrixie, on the other hand, remained suspicious of Indus’ kindness. Indus was, after all, aspiring to become a member of the Kirin Tor. Her support felt dishonest, but Midrixie accepted her aid nonetheless. Indus was quite demanding and she expected much of Midrixie. Growing frustrated and impatient with her student’s failures, Indus was quick to give up on Midrixie and to inform her parents that she was useless as a caster. That this teenager was too emotional and hard to rationalize with, despise her interest in philosophy.

This obviously wasn’t an experience that Midrixie would forget easily, growing some resentment for the society around her. She expressed her dissatisfaction over her family’s business, refusing to work. The signs of rebellion were evident and her parents began to feel and express their disapproval, believing the words that came from Indus on the day she returned to them with their daughter in tears.

 

Time continued to flow, Midrixie was growing older and was near adulthood. Once an extrovert, she was now avoiding contact with the people around her. She could not trust her family members, that continued to label her as a troubled teenager and someone that lacked direction in her life. She still had to invent something, to create a name in Gnomish society. A discovery, anything of importance to her own kind. Was her life destined to be a mere cog in a machine? Was that the life of a Gnome? How did it all came to be and why was no one interested in those questions?

 

Deciding to visit the surface, Midrixie traveled to Ironforge with one of her cousins. It was not the first time, though she never traveled beyond Dun Morogh. But she had seen plenty of Dwarves in her life and, thus, was somewhat familiar with their culture. It was always a refreshing view to be surrounded by Dwarves, given that they were more diverse than her own kind, or so she would always think to herself with a smile in her face. She didn’t felt the pressure to be an inventor, or a wizard. She enjoyed every moment that she was away from the influence of Gnomish society!

That day, she opened to her cousin. She explained her emotions, that she was not happy living in Gnomeregan. That, perhaps, the answer to her questions did not rest within their own capital.. but outside in the world. Touched by her words, her cousin told her that they could stay in Ironforge for a week, instead of a mere night that they had planned in order to trade their goods for a few pieces of silver coins.

During this week, Midrixie had the chance to visit the Hall of Explorers and the Library within. This fascinated her but it did not answer the questions that she had. Even she, herself, didn’t knew why these questions were of so much importance to her. Where was her curiosity leading to and why? Her obsession was a mystery to herself, not allowing her to enjoy the life that her parents had planned for her. But part of life is to grow and to become an individual, able to think for themselves. With this experience, she learned that her questions were only a manifestation of what she was feeling. Trapped, conditioned by the environment she had grown that already had a future planned for her.

She felt ready to come home and tell her parents about this discovery, that her destiny was for her to carve, to answer herself and not to ask others what was her fate as a Gnome. What is a Gnome? What is the purpose in life, for a Gnome?

 

Life isn’t easy. Once she returned home with her cousin, her parents shown concern as to why they came home nearly a week later than anticipated. Midrixie explained, feeling confident that her parents would understand, much like her cousin. To her surprise, they did not and her cowardly cousin wasn’t there to help when she needed! They expected much of her, as the only child. They could never let her go, they only wished for her daughter to remain with them and, if she so desired, expand the family lineage. Again, they concluded that it was yet another manifestation of her rebellion.

From that point forward, Midrixie was forced to work for her family. The family business, within Gnomeregan. Again, this lack of acceptance for their daughter’s free will and emotions caused her to retract from any meaningful conversation with anyone! Apathy was her companion, her heart grown cold to any form of flattery to her performance in the tasks given to her. She started to question herself, to question Gnomish society in her mind. She didn’t felt safe and loved enough to express her doubts and dark emotions.

She stopped to read, she stopped to wander in the streets of Gnomeregan. She also stopped spending time with her family outside of working hours.

 

Her thoughts were only hers to listen. And that’s when she started to talk to herself out loud, privately. Away from those that could hear her nagging, her complains, her questions, her tears, her hatred and rebellion.

But.. there’s always someone that can hear, even the darkest of secrets. Gnomeregan is an underground capital city. Within the ground, a large shadow is cast in every corner. It’s cold, logical. Much like the machinery that is build within it. And there are Gnomes that can fall into despair. Is any Gnome truly sane? There are stories that warn about the corruption of those with the most brilliant of minds when they are rejected by their peers. Midrixie, as trivial and not as tragic as her example can be compared to so many, is one of them. Born from a mere rebellion, never solved in adulthood. Her life was an illusion, created by her family and friends, much like the idea of being sane.

 

 

This darkness, this shadow.. it spoke. And it told her that “Sanity is an Illusion”.

Pages:

[English and Portuguese] Transitioning – Fourth Month Update

 

(Para quem não sabe ler Inglês, a versão em Português encontra-se no final)

  • 1st Month/ 1º Mês – Link
  • 2nd Month/ 2º Mês – Link
  • 3rd Month/ 3º Mês – Link

 

ENGLISH

 

Hello everyone! It is time for the fourth monthly update, a different one at that.

I took my 120th Anti-Androgen on the 13th of April, Thursday. I’ve been writing this since Tuesday, since I work during week days and these take a while to write and, specially, to translate! Now, this month will be a little different. The way that I’ll structure this post at least, adding a new section for this and maybe future updates! Which means that this post may get a little lengthy. My advise to the people that really want to read this and lack time? To read while on a public transportation, either on the way to work or on the way home. Anyway.. this month’s update will include, in order: the Physical changes, the Psychological changes, News (related to the process itself, what awaits, what has happened, etc) and Final Thoughts.

 

 

Physical changes:

Probably the aspect on which there has been less changes.

We have always started by keeping the weight in check. To keep traditions, I’ll remind that, last month, I was complaining that my weight was between 77-78 KG’s, and that I was going to try and lower it to the 75 KG’s… allow me to correct that with an update. My weight is now between 72-73 KG’s, and has kept that way for nearly a week now. I.. have no idea how and what part of my body lost that weight but yes! In one month, 5 less KG’s.

It’s still between the healthy average range of a woman, so I’m not preoccupied. However, a lot of people have shown concern over my lost of weight. No need to worry, you’re just thinking within the male average… and that’s not how you’re supposed to think, sillies. You must think within the female range, since that’s the whole point. What do you think hormones do? Really, please consider the point of taking Anti-androgens and, in the near future, Estrogen. Exactly, the fat is not going to the belly, but to my hips (& friends)! And no, I’m not eating less or wrongly. I’ve been eating the same way that I’ve been eating even before my transition, the supposed portions and spread out meals that allow me to keep my weight exactly the same. So no, I’m not starving myself. It’s just muscle loss and fat redistribution.

 

As far as muscle loss and fat redistribution, there have been almost no changes. However, I took the liberty of measuring my body shape again. That is, my shoulders, hips and waist. This time, I asked for aid to measure my shoulders, which will provide more accurate measurements and ratio. So here goes my current-after-four-months-no-estrogen ratio:

  • Compared to my shoulders, my hips are currently around 0.96 (last month was 0.93)
  • Compared to my shoulders, my waist is currently around 0.75 (same as last month… though my waist got slightly even narrower, so either my shoulders somehow shrunk or it was measured correctly this time!)
  • Compared to my hips, my waist is currently around 0.78 (last month was 0.81)

In short, I should no longer need to worry about my body shape!

I was worried, given my shoulder length, that it would ruin the silhouette. Not that my shoulders have a ridiculous length (in fact, they look like regular broad shoulders), but considering my height and compared to the general height of other women that share my nationality (Portugal).. I’m more German approved. What helps is the fact that my waist looks proportionally healthy compared to the shoulders and hips.. and my hips are almost just as wide as my shoulders (again, I’m not yet on estrogen). So, as long I choose the right clothing that flatters this body shape (specifically, making sure that my waist line and hips can be seen) and also making sure that I have the right hairstyle (though I’ve figured that out correctly long before my transition, because I’m that self conscious and a visionary).. I will be more than fine~

 

Besides these aspects, there’s little else to add. I still continue to feel as if my chest and bum are behind the changes. Obviously that is because I’m not yet on Estrogen. Still, even without those changes in the meantime; I can still “pass”, given my body shape and face.. but as long I keep putting some effort into my appearance as well!

In short, not so much has happened physically. Waiting for the Estrogen..

 

 

Psychological changes:

Psychologically speaking, it’s hard to tell if there were any major changes as well. This month has been an emotional roller-coaster overall, given a few events in my life and also frustration and stress that comes with the process itself! It’s great when the changes happen and I do feel quite happy with these. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t obstacles in the way, provoked by outside sources and things that are beyond my control.

For a little more than a week, I felt apathy.. for no apparent reason. I wasn’t feeling much joy and sadness. It felt strange, considering how much more in contact I am with my own feelings and others. It could had been with the change of weather, with Spring. It happens, sometimes my mood can be a little influenced by the change of seasons. It could be because there hasn’t been any major holiday in my country since January, the lack of creative expression, the fact that my friends (and myself) have been busy and, thus, we haven’t been spending that much time together, etc. Perhaps because of the insecurities that still prevail, as my ego still fluctuates easily from being more confident with my own appearance to “oh no, someone’s staring at me. Is something wrong with me?! THEY KNOW!”. Seriously, with the amount of uncommitted people that already compliment my appearance, it’s anyone’s guess why I still panic over someone’s gaze on the streets..

But I’m fine now, that apathy was gone the moment I cried for “no apparent reason”!

 

Another thing that I’ve noticed along the months, is how my cognitive functions have been gradually changing.

Some people are going to roll their eyes when I say this but, as some people know, I like to play (video) games. I’m a geek, deal with it.. normies that don’t even know the difference between a geek and a nerd! And it’s interesting how my treatment has affected my performance in these games.

I’ve noticed that, in games that require the player to act fast and well (ex. First-Person-Shooters), I’m under performing quite a lot compared to before. In fact, these games now frustrate me more than they provide me with some recreation. I stopped enjoying those overall. Again, it makes sense since my instincts have changed. After all, I get scared and panic more easily.. which doesn’t help in situations that require to think fast and well.

Strangely, when it comes to solving puzzles (and this isn’t strict to a single genre, but several genres of games), I’ve also took notice that I’m performing much better in puzzles that require a combination of awareness to several tasks at once, being able to focus and solve several issues at once without leaving anything behind. In short, multi-tasking! I’ve become aware of it the moment I tried to play a game that I haven’t played for a year or two. I was never able to fully complete it, since it could get quite chaotic! Well.. I played it and I solved the puzzles without losing a single time. It felt easy and I somehow felt disappointed because I remember it being much harder. After thinking about what it could possibly meant and if there were other (actual real) scenarios and evidence that proved it, I came to the conclusion that, multi-tasking, no longer produces as much stress as it used to. However, puzzle games that have a time limit have become harder for me since, again, panic overwhelms my ability to solve problems. But, if I have a good night sleep, 2D puzzles have become easier than before.

I’ve also noticed that, if I’m feeling emotional or merely upset over something, I’m no longer able to abstract my mind away from the issues and keep playing. My performance in games is heavily influenced by my mood, which is something that didn’t happen that easily before. If I’m thinking about something that affects me personally on an emotional level, I now have to close the game and forget about playing it since I become completely incapable of enjoying it or do anything right. And nowadays, it’s easier to perceive most things as personal, therefore emotional.

In short, certain tasks have become easier, while other tasks have become harder. This is no surprise to anyone, since I’ve been hinting at that for a while on the other updates. But I thought this would be fun and interesting to share nonetheless! I was just avoiding sharing this until now because I don’t like to talk about my own geeky interests with my normie friends.. and they do read these specific blog posts! Not because I’m ashamed of it but because I feel bad for them~

 

Another change, and this is an important one, has been the fact that.. I’ve been feeling more the need to be in a relationship.

Without dwelling too deeply into my sexuality, since I feel that’s more private than sharing these updates.. yeah, don’t ask me why that’s my line on the sand in privacy, compared to everything I’ve shared. Before this month, it has always been a problem for me, to imagine myself with someone. Because I didn’t felt comfortable with myself and, thus, subconsciously, these thoughts and needs never came to the surface legitimately.

There were only two people in my life that came close to any kind of love and desire to be with. Maybe someday, I’ll have the courage of sharing those two experiences. But, for now, it’s important to note that those two experiences never came close to come true nor did I genuinely loved those two people. I only loved the thought of being in a relationship, though I didn’t felt the need and true desire to be with these two people.

But now, since I’m growing more comfortable on my own skin and appearance (despise the obvious insecurities), I can see why my mind is finally allowing itself to think about having relationship. I don’t think my sexuality changed at all, but it is finally awakening and not just a dormant and distant aspect that I was fully aware of but was incapable of reaching. Which is why I knew I liked men, I just.. didn’t felt that much for men. That is, until now. It’s awakening slowly, and the needs and desires that come with it as well!

However, it’s important to note that I’m only into hetero relationships.. in a rather complete sense. So this means that there are things that I really want to complete in this process before engaging in “very specific and colorful activities”. I don’t think I can make this more obvious without being blunt and I honestly don’t feel like being blunt in a subject like this..

 

 

News:

During this month, I’ve came to the conclusion that, physically speaking, I’m more than ready to carry an ID that reflects the name that I have chosen for myself.

As such, it has become the current short-term goal to make the necessary preparations to change my ID legally. To reflect the name I’ve chosen and for the ID to reflect my actual gender. In fact, it is important that I do so as quickly as possible! My body has changed drastically since December.

It’s true, I still don’t currently present myself as a women every day in public. I’ve been doing it twice a week at least as for now. Because of my insecurities. Because I want to keep saving money. But what’s actually happening right now.. is that I feel more hostility from the general public when I’m dressed as a man rather than a woman. This must be because, even dressed as a man, there are things that I just can’t hide (not that I want to hide these changes but.. I’m sure you get the point). It has become so bad that I’ve got shouted out recently (dressed as a man) by a man on a public bus, called a “faggot”. And I could had sworn I saw two teenage girls, on another day, trying to take photos of me (again, dressed as a man) while we were inside the same train. I’m too.. curvy to be dressed as a man. Only if I were to wear baggy clothing, I would probably be able to blend with the crowd as a man. And that’s not going to happen.. because then I would look like a man trying to hide a frail and anorexic body. Just no. Or maybe I just don’t know how to dress as a man anymore without feeling some repugnance!

But I have to turn a blind eye to my savings and waste a good amount of time (and money…) expanding my wardrobe. Among other things. It’s time to prepare, be rational for once and leave the fears behind. To think that I get more of the wrong type of attention when dressed as a man and, when dressed as a woman, the only thing I get is glances and a few compliments from some people that know me and from a few random uncommitted people that appear out of nowhere.

It is time to dress up as the woman that I am.. every day. I’m almost certain that I’ll be paranoid most of the days, for the first few weeks. But it is something that I want and it has to be done, adding to the fact that I have to do it for my own safety at this point.

 

Speaking of money, I was finally able to talk to a surgeon. A very well known one, since he mostly operates transsexuals. And there aren’t many of those in my country. There’s only one that’s trustworthy, the one I talked to. I was able to learn about the pricing.. and I can’t deny that it’s rather high. High enough to make me ponder seriously on how will I ever get my hands on that type of money! Obviously, this surgery is very important for me. But it has to be done under the supervision of this surgeon, if I want to get it done in this country.

It’s true, you can get a surgery by using the public healthcare system. But, as every transsexual in this country knows, the queue is long and everyone is advising against it (including my doctors). It could only be done in a very specific hospital and the conditions aren’t.. good. No way I’m going under the knife in a “back alley”, specially with such an important and delicate surgery!

So no. I have to ponder, on how will I be able to get such a surgery. How will I gather such money? Do I need a “second job”? Do I need to invest in my artsy dreams and cross my fingers that it will actually produce any type of revenue? I.. don’t know!

…I have no choice. For the sake of my sanity, I need to place this specific major issue on the back of my head and live a day at a time. Focus on the good things that my transition is providing thus far and will continue to provide. Wait for the conditions to change and hopefully make it possible to find a way to get the surgery done. Maybe.. who knows? The surgeon did say that he was trying to get the price lower and, if he eventually is able to, the price will be far more tolerable for my wallet!

 

 

Final Thoughts:

There have been plenty of ups and downs this month.

 

Mostly, I’ve been feeling insecure. Uncertain about the future. Paranoid over the public’s gaze. The money that I have to spend in the near future. The money I need to save, though it doesn’t seem like I’ll ever reach it by doing what I’ve been doing so far. The whole process and the lack of proper rest, the weekends filled with nothing but the need to rest and not doing anything productive. The fact that I haven’t been spending time with the people that I care for a good number of weeks. The appointments that I have at least once a week..

But also the joys that I’ve felt. The compliments I’ve been getting. Already feeling the first hints of inner desires and passions as I slowly become more confident in my body. We’re near May, Estrogen will hopefully become available to me. New changes ahead, which will be embraced as the solution to my dysphoria! Knowing that I’ll become even more feminine than I am, physically and psychologically speaking. Being able to fully pass, no longer worrying about a wondering gaze discovering my “dark secret”. Being able to think even more clearly.

 

I’ll.. be fine. This is probably the most awkward stage that I’ll ever get during my transition. The sudden shifts between feeling as if everything is fine and it’s only going to get better.. and feeling as if it’s all wishful thinking while, in reality, I look terrible and that’s what the general public sees when they glance at me. The difference between feeling confident for a moment and feeling the exact opposite a few seconds afterward just because someone dared to look at you longer than they should, or second glanced.

But I need to leave those fears behind. As one of my secret admirers (that knows me since my childhood) said to someone else while I wasn’t around to hear (but was told later by a 3rd party).. I look better as a woman than as a man. Someone please tell that fan of mine that I’m very grateful for that comment and I’ll try to keep it in mind for now on.. since we can’t really talk face to face! Jehovah Witnesses’ shunning an’stuff.  Or just share her the link to this blog post or whatever. Don’t worry, I won’t tell, I keep my Jehovah Witness fans identity a secret~ And if there’s anything that I’m good at, it’s keeping secrets.

 

When I publish my 5th Month Update, I will probably be consuming my first or second Estrogen.. err.. medication. I’ll be crossing my fingers in hope that my blood test is going to be fine. I’ll try to gain the confidence I need to reveal a photo or two. A few photos to keep safe, as a reminder on how I look currently, without Estrogen and with only Anti-Androgen. No promises.. I still have to consider if it’s worth revealing under my public pseudonym or to keep it between friends. I’m leaning more towards.. keeping it private with my friends. I rather enjoy my somehow online anonymously and the safety that it provides!

 

Thank you and I’ll see you next month, with Estrogen maybe!

 

 

 

PORTUGUÊS

 

Bom dia a todos! Uma boa Sexta-feira de feriado e fim de semana prolongado! A quarta actualização mensal já está aqui disponível, uma actualização um pouco diferente das outras.

Eu consumi o 120º Anti-androgéno no dia 13 de Abril, Quinta-feira. Estou a escrever este post desde Terça-feira, visto que eu trabalho durante a semana e estes posts demoram algum tempo a serem escritos e, especialmente, a serem traduzidos! Como disse, este mês vai ser um pouco diferente. A estrutura deste post vai conter uma nova secção que poderá ser adicionada em actualizações no futuro! O que quer dizer que este post poderá ser um pouquinho grande. O meu conselho para as pessoas que querem mesmo ler este post mas não tem tempo? Leiam nos transportes públicos, a caminho do trabalho ou a caminho de casa. De qualquer forma.. este mês vai incluir, por ordem: Mudanças físicas, Mudanças psicológicas, Notícias (relacionadas com o processo em si, o que virá, o que aconteceu, etc) e Últimas Palavras.

 

 

Mudanças físicas:

Provavelmente o aspecto onde houve poucas mudanças.

Nós sempre começamos por manter o peso sobre controle. Para manter a tradição, vou relembrar que, no mês passado, eu expressei preocupação visto que o meu peso manteve-se entre os 77-78 KG’s, e que eu iria tentar baixar esse peso para os 75 KG’s… permitem-me que corrija isso com esta actualização. O meu peso está agora entre os 72-73 KG’s, e continua a manifestar esses novos valores já por quase uma semana. Eu.. não sei como e que parte do meu corpo perdeu esse peso mas sim! Em um mês, perdi 5 KG’s.

Ainda se encontra dentro da média aceitável e saudável para uma mulher, por isso não estou preocupada. Infelizmente, muitas pessoas demonstraram preocupação com a minha perda de peso. Não precisam de se preocupar, vocês estão apenas a pensar dentro da média aceitável de um homem… e isso não é a forma que deviam estar a pensar, suas criaturas tontas. Vocês têm que pensar que eu agora tenho de ter, em muitos aspectos, os mesmos cuidados de saúde e de higiene que uma mulher. É esse o objectivo! O que vocês pensam que as hormonas fazem? A sério, por favor pensem bem antes de se preocuparem com aspectos que não fazem sentido, estou a tomar Anti-andrógenos e, dentro de breve, Estrogénio. Claro, a gordura não está a ir para a barriga, mas para as minhas ancas (& arredores)! Também perdi muito músculo, e os músculos pesam muito mais que a gordura! E não, não estou a comer menos ou mal. Eu tenho comido da mesma forma que já comia muito antes da minha transição, as porções correctas e espalhadas nas várias refeições ao longo do dia que ajudam a manter o peso. Portanto não, não estou a morrer de fome. Apenas estou a perder músculo e a gordura está a ser distribuída de forma diferente.

 

No que diz respeito a perda de músculo e redistribuição de gorduras, ouve poucas mudanças. Mesmo assim, eu tomei a liberdade de medir o meu formato de corpo de novo. Quer dizer, os meus ombros, ancas e cintura. Desta vez, pedi ajuda para medir os ombros, o que vai providenciar medidas mais precisas e um melhor cálculo das minhas proporções. Portanto vou partilhar as proporções actuais-depois-de-quatro-meses-ainda-sem-estrogénio:

  • Comparado com os meus ombros, as minhas ancas tem uma proporção actual aproximada de 0,96 (no mês passado era 0.93)
  • Comparado com os meus ombros, a minha cintura tem uma proporção actual aproximada de 0.75 (a mesma proporção que no mês passado… apesar da minha cintura ter ficado um pouco mais estreita, portanto ou os meus ombros encolheram ou os meus ombros foram medidos correctamente desta vez!)
  • Comparado com as minhas ancas, a minha cintura tem uma proporção actual aproximada de 0.78 (no mês passado era 0.81)

Por poucas palavras, já não preciso de me preocupar com o formato do meu corpo!

Eu estava preocupada, devido à largura dos meus ombros, que poderiam arruinar a minha silhueta. Não que os meus ombros sejam ridiculamente largos (na verdade, os meus ombros apenas são largos, dentro da normalidade), mas considerando a minha altura e comparando com a altura das outras mulheres que partilham a mesma nacionalidade que a minha (Portuguesa).. eu sou mais Alemã. O que ajuda é o facto de que a minha cintura tem uma medida proporcionalmente saudável em comparação com os meus ombros e ancas… e as minhas ancas são quase tão largas como os meus ombros (de novo, relembro que ainda não estou a consumir estrogénio). Portanto, se continuar a escolher as roupas certas para a minha silhueta (especialmente, manter em foco as medidas da minha cintura e das minhas ancas) e ter a certeza que tenho um penteado que me ajude (apesar de já ter descoberto o penteado correcto muito antes da minha transição, porque sou assim tão auto-consciente e uma visionária).. eu estarei mais que bem~

 

Para além destes aspectos, não existe muito mais que dizer. Eu ainda continuo a sentir que o meu peito e traseiro estão a ficar para trás em comparação com as outras mudanças. Claro, isto porque ainda não estou a consumir Estrogénio. Mesmo assim, mesmo sem essas mudanças no entretanto; eu ainda consigo “passar”, devido ao formato do meu corpo e cara.. desde que continue também a esforçar-me para manter uma boa aparência!

Por poucas palavras, pouco aconteceu em termos físicos. Ficarei à espera do Estrogénio..

 

 

Mudanças Psicológicas:

Em termos psicológicos, é difícil de saber se existiram muitas mudanças. Este mês tem consistido de muitos altos e baixos em termos emocionais, devido a uns poucos eventos na minha vida e também frustrações e stress que advém do processo em si! Sinto-me bem quando tomo nota das mudanças que ocorrem, felicidade. Mas isso não quer dizer que não existam obstáculos pelo meio, provocados por fontes exteriores e coisas que estão fora do meu controle.

Por mais de uma semana, eu senti apatia.. por nenhuma razão aparente. Não senti muita felicidade ou tristeza. Isso foi estranho para mim, visto que tenho estado mais em contacto com as minhas e emoções dos outros. Poderá ter sido pela mudança no clima, com a Primavera. Acontece, às vezes o meu humor é influenciado pela mudança de estação. Pode ser também devido à falta de feriados no meu país desde o mês de Janeiro, a falta de meios para exprimir a minha criatividade, o facto de que as minhas amizades (e eu) têm estado ocupadas e, logo, não temos passado o tempo juntas, etc. Se calhar pode ser devido às inseguranças que ainda existem, visto que o meu ego ainda oscila com facilidade entre o sentir auto-confiante com a minha aparência e o “oh não, alguém está a olhar para mim. Alguma coisa de errado comigo?! ELES SABEM!”. A sério, com o número de pessoas não cometidas que já elogiaram a minha aparência, é um mistério porque ainda entro em pânico quando alguém olha para mim nas ruas..

Mas eu estou bem agora, essa apatia sumiu-se no momento que chorei por “nenhuma razão aparente”!

 

Um outro aspecto que tenho notado ao longo destes meses, é a forma como as minha funções cognitivas tem se alterado de forma gradual.

Eu sei que algumas pessoas vão revirar os seus olhos quando eu dizer isto mas, como algumas pessoas sabem, eu gosto de jogar (video jogos). Sou geek, temos pena..  criaturas básicas com gostos banais que nem sabem a diferença entre geek e nerd! E é interessante como o meu tratamento tem influenciado a minha performance nesses jogos.

Tenho notado que, em jogos que pedem da parte dos jogadores para agir rapidamente e bem (ex. First-Person-Shooters), o meu performance tem sido bastante baixo em comparação com antes. Na verdade, esses jogos agora causam-me maiores níveis de frustração, mais do que providenciam com algum entretenimento. Deixei de gostar desses jogos de forma geral. De novo, faz sentido porque os meus instintos mudaram. Afinal de contas, eu fico com medo e entro em pânico com mais facilidade.. o que não ajuda em situações que exigem reacções rápidas e bem feitas.

Estranhamente, no que diz respeito a resolver puzzles (e isto não é algo restrito a uma única modalidade, mas para várias modalidades de jogos), eu também tenho notado que estou a ter uma melhor performance em puzzles que exigem de mim uma combinação de atenção/consciência das várias tarefas apresentadas ao mesmo tempo, conseguindo focalizar e resolver várias situações ao mesmo tempo sem deixar nada para trás. Em poucas palavras, Multi-tarefas! Eu tomei conta deste aspecto quando eu tentei jogar um jogo que já não jogava à um ano ou dois. Nunca fui capaz de completar o jogo de forma completa, porque os níveis se tornavam caóticos! Bem.. eu joguei e resolvi os puzzles sem perder nem uma vez. Senti que o jogo era fácil e isso fez eu sentir desapontada porque eu lembro-me de que o jogo era muito mais difícil. Depois de pensar bem no que isto poderia significar e se existiriam outras situações (reais) e provas que poderiam comprovar esse aspecto; eu cheguei à conclusão, no que diz respeito a multi-tarefas, que essas actividades já não produzem tanto stress como antes. No entanto, puzzles que contém um tempo limite, tornaram-se mais difíceis visto que, de novo, o pânico impede a minha habilidade de resolver problemas. Mas, se tiver uma boa noite de sono, puzzles a 2D tornam-se ainda mais fáceis.

Também já notei que, quando sinto-me mais emocionada ou apenas zangada com algo, eu já não consigo abstrair a minha mente desses problemas e continuar a jogar. A minha performance quando jogo depende muito do meu humor, o que é algo que não acontecia com muita facilidade. Se estiver a pensar em algo que me afecta a mim pessoalmente a nível emocional, eu agora tenho que desligar o jogo visto que sou incapaz de me distrair ou de fazer a actividade de forma correcta. E hoje em dia, é muito mais fácil encarar muitos dos eventos e situações como algo pessoal, logo emocional.

Em poucas palavras, algumas actividades se tornaram mais fáceis, enquanto que outras actividades são agora mais difíceis. Isto não devia surpreender ninguém, porque tenho deixado algumas alusões a tais mudanças quando escrevo estas actualizações. Mas achei que seria divertido e interessante partilhar esta informação de qualquer forma! Eu estava a evitar de partilhar esta informação até agora porque eu não gosto muito de falar dos meus interesses mais geeky com as minhas amizades com gostos e interesses mais “básicos”.. e essas amizades até lêem estes posts no meu blog! Não porque tenha vergonha dos meus interesses mas porque sinto mal pelo sofrimento de algumas dessas amizades estarem a ler algo que não compreendem~

 

Uma outra mudança, e esta é bastante importante, é o facto de.. eu ter sentido mais a necessidade de estar numa relação.

Sem estar a falar exaustivamente acerca da minha sexualidade, visto sentir que estas questões são muito mais privadas do que a partilha destas actualizações.. sim, não vale a pena perguntarem-me qual a razão, em comparação com tudo o resto que já partilhei. Antes deste mês, a minha sexualidade foi sempre um problema para mim, de imaginar-me com alguém. Porque não me sentia confortável comigo mesma e, logo, no meu subconsciente, esses pensamentos e necessidades nunca surgiram e foram expostas à superfície de forma legitima.

Apenas existiram duas pessoas na minha vida que estiveram perto de fazer-me sentir aquele amor e desejo de estar com. Talvez qualquer dia, eu terei a coragem de partilhar essas duas experiências. Mas, por agora, é importante tomar nota de que essas duas experiências nunca chegaram perto de se concretizar ou me fizeram genuinamente amar essas duas pessoas. Eu apenas amava a idea de estar num relacionamento, apesar de não sentir a necessidade e verdadeiro desejo de estar com essas duas pessoas.

Mas agora, visto estar a sentir-me cada vez mais confortável na minha própria pele e aparência (apesar das inseguranças óbvias), eu até percebo o porquê da minha mente estar agora finalmente a permitir-se a pensar nestas questões e de estar num relacionamento. Eu penso que a minha sexualidade não mudou, mas que apenas está a despertar-se e já não é algo distante e inactivo que tinha plena consciência mas que era incapaz de alcançar. Por isso é que sabia que gostava de homens, apenas.. não sentia muito por homens. Quer dizer, até agora. Está a acordar, devagar. Como também as necessidades e desejos que advêm disso!

De qualquer forma, é também importante levar em consideração de que eu apenas gosto de relações hetero.. no sentido pleno. Isso significa que existem coisas pelo qual tenho que completar neste processo antes de participar em “actividades muito específicas e coloridas”. Eu acho que não posso ser mais óbvia sem ser directa e eu sinceramente não quero ser tão directa num assunto tão privado para mim..

 

 

Notícias:

Durante este mês, eu cheguei à conclusão que, fisicamente falando, eu estou mais que pronta para obter um cartão de cidadão que reflecte o nome que escolhi para mim própria.

Como tal, tornou-se o meu actual objectivo de curto-alcance fazer as possíveis preparações necessárias para alterar esses dados no meu cartão de cidadão, de forma legal. Para reflectir o nome que escolhi e para o meu cartão de cidadão reflectir o meu género. Na verdade, é importante que faça isso o mais rápido possível! O meu corpo sofreu muitas mudanças drásticas desde Dezembro.

É verdade, eu ainda não me apresento actualmente como mulher todos os dias em público. Eu agora o faço pelo menos dois dias por semana, por enquanto. Devido às minhas inseguranças. Porque quero poupar dinheiro. Mas o que está a acontecer agora.. é que sinto mais hostilidade do público em geral quando estou vestida com roupa de homem do que quando estou vestida com roupa de mulher. Isto porque provavelmente, quando estou vestida com roupa de homem, existem aspectos que não consigo esconder (claro que também não quero esconder estas mudanças mas.. acho que vocês compreendem o que quero dizer). A situação tornou-se tão crítica que até já fui gritada recentemente (quando estava vestida com roupa de homem) por um homem num autocarro, chamada de “paneleiro”. E eu até tenho quase a certeza que eu vi duas adolescentes, num outro dia, a tentarem tirar umas fotos de mim (de novo, estava vestida com roupa de homem) enquanto partilhávamos o mesmo comboio. Eu tenho.. curvas demais para estar a vestir-me com roupas de homem. Apenas se vesti-se com roupas largas, eu poderia misturar-me com o público como homem. Mas isso nunca vai acontecer.. porque depois eu parecia um homem a tentar esconder um corpo anoréxico e frágil. É que nem pensar. Ou se calhar sou eu que já nem sei vestir-me como um homem sem sentir certa repugnância!

Mas eu tenho que ignorar as minhas poupanças e gastar uma boa porção de tempo (e dinheiro…) para expandir o meu armário. Entre outras coisas. Chegou a hora de preparar-me, de ser racional uma vez na vida e deixar esses medos para trás. De pensar que adquiro mais o estilo de atenção impróprio quando me visto com roupa de homem e, quando me visto com roupa de mulher, o que apenas tenho de suportar é alguns olhares e de alguns elogios feitos por algumas pessoas que me conhecem e de algumas pessoas aleatórias e não cometidas que aparecem do nada.

Está na altura de começar a vestir-me de acordo com a mulher que sou.. todos os dias. Eu tenho quase a certeza que vou ficar paranóica na maior parte dos dias, nas primeiras semanas. Mas é algo que eu quero e que tem de ser feito, ainda mais considerando que agora tenho de o fazer pela minha própria segurança.

 

Por falar em dinheiro, eu finalmente consegui falar com um cirurgião. Um bastante conhecido, visto que ele opera, na grande maioria das vezes, pessoas transsexuais. E não existem muitos desses cirurgiões no meu país. Existe apenas um que é de confiança, aquele pelo qual falei. Tomei conhecimento do preço.. e não posso mentir quando digo que o preço é alto. Alto o suficiente para me fazer reflectir de modo sério o como é que vou conseguir alcançar esse tipo de dinheiro! Obviamente, esta cirurgia é bastante importante para mim. Mas tem de ser feito debaixo da supervisão deste cirurgião, isto se quiser o fazer neste país.

É verdade, uma pessoa pode obter esta cirurgia debaixo do sistema nacional público de saúde. Mas, como qualquer pessoa transsexual neste país sabe, a lista de espera é muito grande e todas as pessoas estão a sugerir para evitar o sistema público (incluindo os meus médicos). Apenas poderia ser feito num hospital muito específico e as condições não são.. boas. Eu não vou fazer esta cirurgia importante e delicada num “beco”!

Portanto não. Eu tenho de pensar bem, em como é que vou conseguir fazer esta cirurgia. Como é que vou conseguir obter tanto dinheiro? Preciso de um “segundo trabalho”? Preciso de investir nos meus sonhos artísticos e de cruzar os meus dedos com esperança de que vou conseguir algum rendimento? Eu.. não sei!

…Eu não tenho escolha. Pela minha sanidade mental, eu tenho de deixar este problema grande e específico de lado e viver um dia de cada vez. Focalizar nos aspectos bons que a minha transição está a providenciar até agora e irá continuar a providenciar. Esperar que as condições alterem e que esperançosamente seja possível encontrar uma maneira de obter esta cirurgia. Se calhar.. quem sabe? O cirurgião disse que ia tentar baixar o preço e, se ele conseguir essa descida, o preço será muito mais tolerante para a minha carteira!

 

 

Últimas palavras:

Ouve muitos altos e baixos neste mês.

 

De forma geral, tenho sentido insegura. Incerta com respeito ao futuro. Paranóica com o olhar do público. O dinheiro que tenho de gastar no futuro próximo. O dinheiro que preciso de poupar, apesar de sentir que nunca vou conseguir alcançar essa quantia se continuar a fazer aquilo que tenho feito até agora. O processo todo e a falta de descanso, os fins de semana sem fazer nada de produtivo e apenas saciar a vontade de descansar. O facto de que não tenho gasto tempo com as pessoas que gosto já por algumas boas semanas. As consultas que tenho pelo menos uma vez por mês..

Mas também as alegrias que tenho sentido. Os elogios que tenho recebido. O sentir os primeiros indícios de desejos e paixões à medida que sinto mais confortável com o meu corpo. Estamos perto de Maio, o Estrogénio estará possivelmente disponível para mim dentro de breve. Novas mudanças pela frente, que serão aceites como a solução para a minha disforia! Saber que vou ficar ainda mais feminina com que estou actualmente, fisicamente e psicologicamente falando. Ser possível passar de forma plena, sem ter que preocupar com algum olhar que poderá ter descoberto o meu “segredo pecaminoso”. Ter a capacidade de pensar de forma ainda mais clara.

 

Eu.. ficarei bem. Isto é provavelmente a fase mais estranha que alguma vez tive e terei na minha transição. As mudanças bruscas entre o sentir que tudo está bem e que as coisas ficarão ainda melhores.. e o sentir que estou a enganar-me a mim própria enquanto que, na realidade, poderei ter um aspecto horrível e que é isso que as pessoas do público vêem quando olham para mim. A diferença entre o sentir confiante num momento e sentir o oposto uns segundos depois só porque alguém teve a ousadia de olhar para mim mais tempo do que devia, ou porque olhou pela segunda vez.

Mas eu tenho que deixar esses medos de parte. Como uma das minhas admiradoras secretas (que conhece-me desde criança) disse a outra pessoa enquanto não estava por perto para ouvir (mas que depois ouvi por uma outra pessoa de qualquer forma).. eu sou mais bonita como mulher do que como homem. Para quem conhece esta admiradora secreta, será que podem-lhe dizer que estou muito grata pelo comentário e que irei ter isso em mente a partir de agora.. visto que não podemos falar directamente cara a cara?! Testemunhas de Jeová, desassociada e tal. Ou podem apenas partilhar-lhe o link para este post de blog em privado ou sei lá. Não se preocupem, eu não digo a ninguém, eu gosto de manter a identidade dos meus fans Testemunhas de Jeová em segredo~ E se à coisa que sou boa a fazer.. é manter segredos.

 

Quando eu publicar a minha 5ª Actualização Mensal, eu estarei provavelmente a consumir a minha primeira ou segunda dose de Estrogénio.. errr.. medicação. Eu irei cruzar os meus dedos com esperança de que as minhas análises sanguíneas estarão bem. Eu vou tentar ganhar a confiança de que necessito para revelar uma foto ou duas. Umas fotos para manter em segurança, como lembrança do meu aspecto actual, sem Estrogénio e com apenas Anti-Androgéno. Não prometo nada.. eu ainda tenho que considerar se é boa idea revelar essas fotos debaixo do meu pseudónimo público ou manter essas fotos em privado apenas para as minhas amizades. Estou mais inclinada a.. manter essas fotos privadas entre as minhas amizades. Eu até gosto da minha anonimidade online e da segurança que isso providencia!

 

Obrigada e vejo-vos no o próximo mês, com Estrogénio provavelmente!

 

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The Art of Patronizing

(While I can’t figure out my art style, have another basic vector drawing/featured image)

 

Good afternoon! I’m going to regret posting this on my blog but hey.. my blog, my rules~

If I’m going to regret, why post? Because, sometimes, you need to scream at a pillow. And there are those rare moments that the best pillow you have is.. your own public blog! I know right? How dreadful to go on and use an open public corner of the web to whine and complain about some first world problems! There are people that dedicate their entire lives to self pitying in the (figurative) public square and, somehow, they earn money out of that. Isn’t that nice? Eh..  I need to start writing about happier and more relatable topics. But in the meantime, here we are!

 

Patronizing. Oh my.. there will be a few people that are going to twist my words to such a degree that they will take it as a personal jab and injury to their own egos. So, here’s an advise. If you feel this doesn’t apply to you, great, move on with your life! If you feel this applies to you, then it must be for a reason. And you know how it goes, we don’t need to get along with everyone so there is no point in getting upset. The best insult you can give to someone is.. to completely ignore them!

Anyway, disclaimers aside…

 

Most people have been patronized one way or another. More so, people that belong to specific demographics that host some form of public dissonance. Either someone with a disability, from other nationality or other arbitrary factors that shouldn’t matter that much on someone’s daily life and social interaction with others. Most of all, people should be treated as individuals, with dignity and respect. Unfortunately.. that doesn’t happen all the time and that’s a shame.

Some of you may be wondering, based on that last paragraph, if this means that I’ve suffered from any form of discrimination. I mean, of course I have. Who doesn’t nowadays? I’m not that unique and special when it comes to being discriminated based on something that doesn’t affect anyone but the individual. You don’t need to be part of a “minority” or an “oppressed group” to suffer that type of discrimination. And yes, I’m using quotes since I loathe this type of thinking. My readers know how much I dislike labels and segregation, since I’m an individualist and like to treat everyone as such.. though I am quite keen on criticizing certain ideologies.

You may be wondering if I was beaten, called out on the streets, got glares and so on. Well, the amount of times I was called out have been counted with one hand so.. yes, it’s bad but at least it hurts and scares me on the moment, fearful that the individuals might do more than just one ocasional and random verbal expression of their lack of civility. But then it’s gone and you move on. Because you know those people are merely poorly educated individuals, easily dismissed. Glares? In the past I used to get more of those. Now it mostly comes from certain people who knew me for some time and look at me now. Being physically assaulted or even touched for malicious intends? Never, which is a good thing because this is the worst thing that could ever happen.. obviously!

Nah. We are going to talk about a much more subtler approach to being completely obnoxious. Of course, that of being patronized. That’s what’s been troubling me of late and I’m sure a lot of people can relate to that, no matter who they are and their own backgrounds.

 

 

 

Hopefully, I do not need to describe the act of patronizing someone. Simply put, to patronize means to express a form of sympathy for someone while, at the same time, trying to subtly convey superiority over the victim.

Normally, that leaves the victim in an awkward situation that they cannot easily reprehend the patronizer. Since doing so could easily make the victim someone rude over someone who is “just trying to be nice and helpful”. Or, worst yet, it can create a situation where the people nearby could easily, in spite for the victim’s “outburst”, avoid contact with the victim or even flatter or offer aid to the victim in any other occasion.

So, therefore, usually the safest reaction to someone that patronizes is to smile, thank them and, for future encounters, avoid any significant conversation with said individual… since the victim knows that the patronizer doesn’t actually care that much for the victim. The patronizer only wants to feel good about themselves or to virtue signal those that get to see their “kindness”.

 

Unfortunately, the patronizers have become the most common form of annoyance in today’s western society. More so than the so called “random and rare bigots on the streets”. My theory as to why is rather simple. It’s a consequence of the modern form of political correctness and the continuous adaptation to the social media’s requirement to get as much approval from the other peers as possible. The current trend, politically speaking, is to be kind to everyone.. specially if they are considered a “minority”. “Minorities” are oppressed so, if you are a good self righteous individual, you might want to share as much cases of oppression towards “minorities” as possible! Bonus points if you actually be-friend someone who is part of said “minority”.

 

The modern patronizer tends to express their support towards a “minority” or individual that suffers as often as possible. At the same time, if the victim tends to open up about their struggles once in a while, the patronizer is prone to never quite understand what is being said. They will usually paint a picture and make an overall wrong judgement of the victim’s personality and interests, their overall view of the victim is that of an stereotype.

This is easily noticeable when the victim is having a trivial conversation with the patronizer and the patronizer tries to guess what the victim did, said or is thinking in a certain situation. They never get it right, since they don’t bother to actually get to know the victim outside of their struggles and figure out how the victim would act in trivial every day situations.

It is also noticeable when the patronizer tends to exclude the victim in situations that it wouldn’t make sense to create division or segregation. This can be heard and seen, again, in everyday conversation. The patronizer, no matter what, will make sure that the victim knows that they are different from the rest.. despise their need to make sure that the victim and everyone knows that they support the victim.

In some less common cases, they will try to create situations on which they can humiliate the victim. Either subtly or less subtly when in private with the victim or when the victim is not near, in order to avoid confrontation. The patronizer does this by, occasionally, point out the flaws that the victim possesses that the patronizer, on the other hand, doesn’t. Of course, they do this to maintain some form of power and superiority over the victim, since the victim is unable to confront the patronizer without sounding psychotic. After all, the patronizer “supports” the victim, as far as everyone is concerned. If a victim is unable to avoid the patronizer’s influence over them, this tends to frustrate the victim and lower their own self-esteem, which is what some patronizers intend. Though these specific type of patronizers are actually abusive narcissists who are draining the sanity of a victim in order to maintain some superiority that they think they deserve.

 

 

So, what is the best way for a victim to break free from a patronizer’s influence?

Well, if you’re a victim of one, you’re in luck! I know a thing or two about these types of people since I still have to deal with some of these occasionally.

But one thing is important to distinguish. Do not mistake an honest compliment or a few words of support for the act of patronizing. Some people are.. not that great when expressing their true intentions. Specially if you are the “first one” they ever met of “some group” or “minority”. The difference is simple, to distinguish a patronizer from someone that genuinely cares. Someone that genuinely cares will treat you like a human being. They will bother to actually get to know you and they will talk about other things that are of common interest, never bringing up the aspects that plagues you. However, they will always be there if you feel the need to occasionally express yourself! They will never try to make you feel outlandish or “exotic”, different. They will try to invite you to their own gatherings, groups, activities. They will try to treat you like any other member of society, like any of their friends. That is the type of support that you want. You don’t want a patronizer, that will always make you feel like you are an alien that needs to be reminded that they are aliens and need to be treated as such.

With that said, here are a few advises from yours truly.

 

  • If you hardly know the person and the individual expresses their support to you, for whatever reason.. thank them but do not try to take steps to be-friend said person. Remain civil, polite and kind but allow the individual to be the one to take the first steps to form any meaningful connection/friendship. From there, it should be easy to know if you are dealing with someone that is honest or a patronizer. It much depends from how they behave from that point forward and what type of conversations they have with you. If they are a patronizer and you want to keep your sanity, remain distant and passively dismiss any attempts to form any meaningful connection/friendship. They will get tired eventually and move on, since they prey on easier to manipulate victims.
  • If you know the person and the person turns into a patronizer, be extremely careful if you both share a few friends. The patronizer will try to speak in your behalf and, if you are submissive in nature, you will want to make sure that your common friends know that there are things you don’t agree with the patronizer. Instead of criticizing the patronizer, criticize their ideas without making it personal. Make it clear that the patronizer does not share the same ideals as you and the patronizer will step back gradually. Again, they prey on easier victims. If you show to them that you are strong willed, they will not waste their time trying to patronize you. They might attempt in private to “convert” you to their way of thinking but, if you are stubborn enough, they will let you be. Though always keep a close eye to your common friends and if their behaviors change towards you. If these do, you are not dealing with a mere patronizer, but a sociopath or a narcissist. Or, least worrying, a mere zealot to whatever ideology they stand for.
  • If you know the person and the person turns into a patronizer.. but you are confident in your social skills and know how to play the emotional and psychological game.. have fun! Patronizers are society’s modern social leeches. They might think they are better than you (whenever they consciously are aware of their belief or not), but you know, deep down, you are much better than them. Find out why they are trying to patronize you, the passion that drives them to act that way and.. be sure to poke on their insecurities in order to “sedate” that horrendous aspect of their nature. Expose their flaws with dignity by pointing out your own virtues that they do not possess. Remember, they want to feel superior in a world that shames “bigotry”. So, the best way is to show confidence on your own qualities and make sure that you and they are aware of it. Of course, they will try to underplay your qualities while, at the same time, saying that they support you. But this all part of the fun, just keep doing it until they give up! But remember to always keep a close eye on your common friends.. the least you want is to be seen as egocentric, which the patronizer will try to paint you once they get frustrated enough~

 

 

And with that, I conclude this blog post, feeling like I’ve made use of one of my emotional pillows. It feels good and I hope that this post has made someone relate to the things I’ve written. Anyone can be a victim of a patronizer. It doesn’t matter what their background is or what is the aspect that they are being patronized about constantly. My advises aren’t flawless, nor is my description of a patronizer. There’s more nuance to what I’ve written.. but I do feel that it is a good summary!

Thank you for reading this and, if you’ve enjoyed this blog post, be sure to browse this website for more! Also remember to subscribe on my social media channels/accounts, share, etc~

 

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Creative Expression – The Crossroads

(Eh.. I kinda gave up midway on this featured image)

 

Good morning. Technically, I wrote this on the 1st of April.. but, to make sure people wouldn’t mistake this for a April Fools’ joke, I’ve decided to make it public today!

 

 

Creativity. That was something I used to say more proudly that I had within myself. Though I used to draw more often, create characters easily and develop entire worlds and stories out of thin air; refining those along the years.. I can’t say that’s the case currently.

It’s to no surprise for those that follow my content and posts, as little as that number actually is since I do not create content that resonates with a more visible audience. What I’ve always created publicly has been based on things that I enjoy or concern me.. rather than generating content for the sake of pleasing and attracting a larger gathering of followers or subscribers.

There has been no direction to the things I post nowadays. No obvious goal or motive behind my channels, website and social media. What was once an attempt to make my own art, stories and characters public for everyone to enjoy; has dissolved itself to posts about politics, silly things that I find amusing and sharing my own predicaments. There has been no art, no drawings, no stories to tell. Only opinions, from a voice that should probably just stay silent and allow the “grown ups to do the talking” while cheer-leading from behind the voices of reason. With likes, shares, subscriptions, comments and so on.

 

I should know better by now, as someone of my own age, to not behave this carelessly online on my public accounts. I should had kept myself to drawing and sharing stories. Again, that was the original idea when I created the pseudonym “SapphyDe90”. To focus on art, to be genuine yet kind. I guess the “art” and “kindness” got lost somewhere, leaving only the brutal honesty to the public. Unfiltered.. for most part. Lax. Perhaps naive, which is something that goes against what I am in reality.. though it is true that I can act quite childish. Personally, I don’t mind being childish on some aspects, as long I’m mature where it actually matters.

 

More and more I’ve thought to myself what to do with this pseudonym. I’ve been less motivated to draw as time passes by. Yet I’ve been felling the pressure to express my creativity somehow. It pains me that, at the age of 26 (nearly 27), I’m here thinking about what I want to do when “I grow up”. In this case, what type of artist I want to be. Again. I thought I had that set on stone, I was doing well with my art style. My stories and universes were, in my humble biased opinion, well developed and it’s a shame I never shared not even a single one to a wider audience, in a more complete sense! But, alas, people know that I’m changing. It’s a long process, that I’m quite enjoying the results that have been surprising me. But this is not the post to talk about my transition..

 

It irks me that I haven’t found myself time to properly think about what direction I want to take. How to express my creativity. I look at the time, as it flicks by. Appointments, work, resting, feeling like the worst person ever for rarely paying attention to my friends as of late. I come home, hardly feeling like doing anything productive at all. No time to think about the future.. except the treatment or the job that I have. Sometimes thinking that I should probably take time to do that one thing or another that is also important; which I do end up doing, occupying more of my time and continuing to postpone any actual attempt to find a new way to express myself.

But where is the time to think about how to express my creativity? This has been one of the most important aspects of my life, to expose my stories, settings and characters to the world; to make people feel and to make them think. To watch and smile when I see people coming up with their own interpretations. Perhaps even broaden a few minds. To also learn from the criticism, to learn more about myself and others.

 

It’s true, I’m an introvert. I’ve always been more of a listener rather than someone that talks and, while I do enjoy being with my friends, social gatherings drain me rather than invigorating. Since I’m a listener and an observer in nature, environments that produce a lot of stimuli tend to tire me easily.. given that I pay attention to every detail and really think about those details, unlike extroverts. And when there’s too many things going on, it’s no wonder that I get often lost thinking about everything around me. Which is why my definition of resting is.. not engaging with anyone and do my own thing for a while. As such, I spend most of my time soul-searching!

I dwell with emotions rather than facts, though I do appreciate (quite a lot) those that can provide facts. With facts provided by trustworthy sources, I tend to interprete how those facts affect society and the people around me. Psychology and emotions.. the human mind fascinates me and I feel that my role in society is to provide some form of guidance and emotional support. To look at society, or part of it, take note of these patterns and think abstractly about what is the passion and emotions behind the actions and words of groups and individuals. It’s not about what people stand for, say or do. But why are they acting that way? What is really going on, what do they fear, what do they actually believe?

While facts are necessary, and I do hold facts above any type of belief, I feel that the best way to tackle the issues in society is to appeal to the passions and emotions of the individuals interested in listening to the aid that I can provide. Instead of being blunt and talk about the issues and facts, I would rather express my concerns and opinions publicly by the use of symbolism, storytelling and art. What if’s, fiction, abstract. Characters, groups, universes that reflect the emotions and passions that are relatable to our own reality, daily life and current events.

That’s the type of artist I am and has been dormant of late.

 

 

When I was a child, I wanted to be an Obstetrician. Yes, I know. I was a child that, when people used to ask what I wanted to be in adulthood, I would say “I want to be a doctor that delivers babies”. Considering everything, it makes sense why I would say such a specific, yet silly thing.

I don’t think the passion behind it changed at all.. it simply took another path to reach the same goal. To nurture. When I look at everything that I’ve done and continue to passionately talk about, it becomes clearer. Why an Obstetrician? Why storytelling? Why art? Why did I chose to draw cartoons? Because I probably realized, at a really young age, that I couldn’t have children of my own.. at least the way I’ve always desired. Perhaps, before undergoing this treatment I’m currently in; drawing, storytelling and becoming an obstetrician was my way to make manifest my desire to be a mother. To teach, to love, to help someone grow and become a better person.

 

Perhaps the question is not how will I express my creativity.. but how can I nurture others? And it becomes clearer!

I don’t want to make hasty decisions. I really want to continue my treatment and reach a point that I know I’m emotionally and psychologically settled enough to decide how will I do just that. When I asked that question to myself, a few ideas came to mind. But I’m not on estrogen yet.. it’s best to wait and decide once everything becomes even more obvious.

 

 

Thank you for reading this, dear reader and here’s an advise.. analise your desires and passions, your motivations and feelings. If you have never done that honestly and with time, consider doing it.. you’ll be surprised~

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