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The blur of Reality & Online

(Basic featured image is basic)

 

Good afternoon!

It has been a while since I’ve wrote on this blog. I know I know..

Either way, here we are. Another post, one that will sound more like a short incoherent ramble about the future of my online pseudonym!

First, I would like to quote a former post I’ve made on this blog.

“I should know better by now, as someone of my own age, to not behave this carelessly online on my public accounts. I should had kept myself to drawing and sharing stories. Again, that was the original idea when I created the pseudonym “SapphyDe90”. To focus on art, to be genuine yet kind. I guess the “art” and “kindness” got lost somewhere, leaving only the brutal honesty to the public. Unfiltered.. for most part. Lax. Perhaps naive, which is something that goes against what I am in reality.. though it is true that I can act quite childish. Personally, I don’t mind being childish on some aspects, as long I’m mature where it actually matters.”

“More and more I’ve thought to myself what to do with this pseudonym. I’ve been less motivated to draw as time passes by. Yet I’ve been felling the pressure to express my creativity somehow. It pains me that, at the age of 26 (nearly 27), I’m here thinking about what I want to do when “I grow up”. In this case, what type of artist I want to be. Again. I thought I had that set on stone, I was doing well with my art style. My stories and universes were, in my humble biased opinion, well developed and it’s a shame I never shared not even a single one to a wider audience, in a more complete sense! But, alas, people know that I’m changing. It’s a long process, that I’m quite enjoying the results that have been surprising me. But this is not the post to talk about my transition..”

Ignoring the rambling about art, given that it is something that will take some time and patience from my part to do so.. (my daily life does not allow me to fully dedicate myself to do some soul searching and find myself again as an artist) it is clear that, ever since I’ve started my transition, my online presence has changed drastically. And, to be honest, so has my real presence in the real world.. obviously.

 

Some of you are aware of my blue haired cartoon character, an alter ego which goal was to serve as an online persona and a way to humanize my own personality that was locked away in my subconscious. The idea of a blue (actually cyan) haired girl sporting a mix of magenta, yellow and black came in 2013.

 

First appearance – August 2013

First came the face, has I still lacked a art style of my own.

The blue hair came with the idea that, as basic and obvious as it may seem, my name is associated with a gemstone that is typically related with the color blue (even though this gem exists in other colors). However, I gave it a lighter shade, a pure cyan because, at the time, I was finishing a Graphic Design course and I thought it would be funny if I went ahead and used Cyan, Magenta, Yellow and Black! For me, it represents the ability to adapt to most social circumstances and events while, at the same time, not losing focus of my individuality. As Sapphire.

The rose tinted glasses, though normally associated with blinded nostalgia, it represents several things for me. First, it simbolizes a one sided vision of the world. Stubbornness, in short. An individual with strong convictions and morals. The rose tinted color represents tradition, since it is connected with nostalgia. Though I am nostalgic about a few things, it means that I hold a more old fashioned view of how things should be. It’s classic. Though, if one looks closer, the eyes behind the glasses are blue. Again, it represents an independent view. In short, I don’t like to impose my own values onto others and I enjoy my right to be an old fashioned individual… the same way that I feel others should be free to follow their own values.. as long they don’t impose those onto me.

 

Another August 2013 drawing

The hairpin, though I rarely included those on my drawings, it represents my geek side. It doesn’t serve any purpose for the hairstyle, nor does it mold it drastically but it means that I’m fine with that aspect of mine.

The wardrobe itself, the clothing.. there was never a special meaning behind it. It was style, ways to represent the other colors mentioned earlier. And often have I changed the clothing, depending on the season.

With Cyan, Magenta, Yellow and Black, I could give my alter ego any color I wanted. Which is why, at times (Halloween, for example), my alter ego would be drawn with other shades, other colors.

 

Halloween 2015

The shape of the eyes and the eye-shadow are also peculiar, different from all the characters I have drawn thus far. For one, my alter ego lacks eyebrows. At first, this was a mistake that I’ve realized much later. But I came to like it this way! For me, it symbolizes a faint hint of pride in one self. Though extremely self conscious and a perfectionist, I am still able to maintain a certain level of confidence in my views.

Instead of having eyebrows, the eyeliner extends far above and reaching the brow bone. It is a way to fix a mistake, the lack of eyebrows. Again, it underlines my flaw (or virtue, depending of one’s perspective) of being a perfectionist that tries to correct everything wrong in herself. Certain vanity.

The shape of the eyes and thick eyeliner represents a superficial judgement. It’s bold, a judgmental stare. It means that, despise everything said earlier, I still judge others heavily on their actions, words or lack of those. Though I do not impose my judgement, I still judge others inwardly. This is obviously a gross exaggeration of that aspect of mine.

 

Halloween 2016

Of course, all of this work around a cartoon character, an alter ego, served a purpose in the past. This purpose however, no longer applies.

Things have changed quite a lot since I’ve started my transition. Being online, having an cartoon avatar like this allowed me to keep in mind who I am, to maintain my personality alive and burning in the digital world while, in reality.. I would still had to wait for that to happen. A gross exaggeration of my virtues and flaws was brought to life thanks to a short tempered blue haired hippy looking cartoon character.

The character was never something I aspired to be given that she was, in essence, me. I used to love this character, even though I do admit that her appearance wasn’t friendly for the wider audience to relate to!

 

Given the changes in my life, it is time to say goodbye to this alter ego. Because, with my transition, I no longer need a mask to hide behind.

 

 

And so we move to the future. Given my transition and the fact that my personality is no longer hidden in riddles and chains, it is no mystery to others who I am.

Though I am difficult to be understood.. according to some of the people in my life, complicated. I feel that the line that separates reality and the online presence I used to keep it hidden more from those I deal with in reality, that line is starting to blur. People are becoming aware of the type of person that I am, the things that I like and my own thoughts. I no longer keep it hidden, though I tend to filter those more in reality out of kindness and overall passivity.

Truth is, there’s no point in hiding what I am in reality from the digital (online) realm.. the same way there’s no point in hiding what I am in the digital (online) realm from the people in the real world. Which is why I’ve created an Instagram account and even uploaded a photo of me as a profile picture across all sorts of social medias!

 

I am what I am. I am SapphyDe90, Sapphy, Sapphire, Safira. I have no real shame in what I do, believe and say. I am free~

And yes, I’ve lost a few “friends” on the way. Either because I, myself, walked away from such toxic relationships or they, themselves, walked away from me. Though it is a shame that some of those, who claimed to support me, faded away the moment I exposed my true colors. Nothing of value was lost, it’s all I have to say.. but I would be lying if I said I didn’t hold some resentment over a few of those people. I mean, here I am sharing my happiness and freedom.. and they just walk away after saying that they would support me. If anything, you should feel happy that I’m happy and I’m sharing you the happiness that you wished for me to have!

Perhaps there are a few people that believe that I’m bragging about my own achievements, or that go as far to say that I’ve become a narcissist behind my back. Shows how much you people grasp this situation I’m in and how low your faith is in me. Do me a favor and get lost if that’s your opinion.

Again, it’s no secret that I’m in some sort of pseudo adolescence. Except, you know, this is the right adolescence that I should of had back when I was an actual teenager. You know how teenagers are, experimenting and discovering their developing bodies and emotions. It’s healthy.. and that is what’s been going on in my life in these last few months. The fact that this vanity and self-absorption of mine, in recent months, has turned away a few people or has made them feel insecure and self-conscious about their own appearance and feelings is, at best, amusing! At worst, pathetic and sad. Because how low do you have to be to feel those things over someone with a disorder? Petty, ignorant.. there are no words to describe people who were lucky in life and still, somehow, manage to envy those who, just now, are able to live a normal life. You had your whole life filled with happiness, the teenage youthful bodies that you could relate. At the age of 27, here comes silly me finally having the body and mind that I deserve, much later in life compared to everyone else and still.. people feel the need to moan about it. No seriously.. get lost, don’t ever talk to me, just go away and don’t look back, unfriend me on your social medias, do whatever you want but can you just disappear from my life?

On the other hand, I’ve gained other friendships.. that feel truer. So no, I’m not the one losing here. I lose more keeping the reluctant in my life and/or friends’ list because, when I browse my friends’ list or social media feeds, their faces and names are there and it forces me to remind of their existence.. and that’s what creates resentment. Someday, I might be the one doing the cleanup if they don’t do it themselves with dignity. When my paciente starts to run dry and surpasses my natural submissive and passive outlook, of course!

 

 

So, what does the future hold for my online pseudonym, SapphyDe90? Simple, it holds everything that I am, what I want to do, what I want to say. It is no longer about just art, about my thoughts, about games, about politics, about anything in specific.

Thank you for reading this blog post and I hope you have a nice weekend!

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Short Story: The flaws of the Flawless Twins

short-story-theflaws-01

 

Eh, lazy pictures aside, this is a small story.

 

Inside the cleanest and purest of rooms painted in white, with a floor just as indistinguishable, no door and window can be seen within. Such a mysterious wide, intimidating and spacious cliche on which ears and eyes cannot listen or wonder the uncomfortable truth. The Flawless Twins live within, rarely dwelling with what’s outside of a room that, though specifically white, changes colors, much like a chameleon.

Lilibeth, the girl that kept a mirror close to her heart, wielding a hair brush ever so carefully. Like a doll, pale with a clear determination to cover it with a blush so exaggerated that has made people turn their heads in wonder how detached from reality have fashion magnates gotten. Her choice of garments only underlined such notion; with a white victorian dress, that was embroided with light pink details, and stockings. Her eyeliner was extremely thick, fake long eyelashes, glossy dark red lipstick.

Clarabeth, the sophisticated that held a tablet at all times. Her eyes were those of a judge. It was rare to see a smile on those lips and, if she did, it only meant she was about to join a debate on which she already knew exactly that the outcome was in her favor. A fine adviser and supporter of those who are broken. A nightmare when voicing her actual opinions, which were many and kept within.

 

Lily and Clara were twins, sisters. Flawless with plenty of flaws. Inseparable, yet they often disagreed with one another.

“Lily, hurry up. We have to go. People are waiting for us.”

“Yes, I know! Stop yelling, I’m still brushing my hair..”

“I’m not yelling! Except, you know, now!”

“.. I should wear something different today.”

“You’re hopeless. We both know you’ll regret whatever you wear anyway. Isn’t that why you keep a mirror close?”

“I keep it close to check on my makeup and hair, not because of my dress!”

“People have said plenty of times that you look beautiful anyway. You’re stressing the both of us.”

“I.. I know but..”

“You don’t believe them, I know.”

“You don’t either.”

“I mean, I think a lot of people are misguided but, considering everything, you are beau–“

“Don’t patronize me. I didn’t slept well last night, worried sick about tonight!”

“There’s a difference between getting yourself ready and decent for a social gathering.. then there’s you wasting more time getting ready than the actual event itself.”

“You know what? We’re not going. I’ve changed my mind.”

“Oh. Cmon now, Lily. You’ll be fine, stop being selfish and self-centered for once!”

“People gaze at me oddly anyway, no matter what I do!”

“That’s because you wear those dresses all the time, as if you were going to a cosplay. Of course people will look.”

“I thought people looked at me because, as they say, I’m beautiful. See? This is why I don’t believe when people call me that.”

“Beauty is more than just appearance, darling. If you invest yourself in just your own appearance, you’re nothing more than just a pretty yet disappointing face.”

“I’m not doing this for others, I’m doing this for myself too..”

“How insecure of you.”

Both sisters were perfectionists, to a fault. Incomplete, flawed yet never enjoying such truth and striving to change those same inconveniences. But beyond being harsh on themselves, they were able to be judgmental towards others in silence. Keeping a list of their own mistakes and others, they believed that everyone should always try their best to cover those same flaws and to become better people in the process. Either if those are superficial or deep rooted in one’s core personality and intellect. They could never understand others who didn’t worked as hard in life to make themselves better just the same way as the sisters.

“Clara, you have been quiet this whole day. What’s wrong?”

“.. Weren’t you paying attention? You know, except for your mirror.”

“You make it seem that I’m some sort of narcissist… Either way, what do you mean?”

“The way they talked, the things they have said. They are wrong and.. cruel.”

“Oh. That. Well, if you knew they were being ignorant, why didn’t you said anything?”

“… B-because I know they would be offended.”

“That doesn’t make sense. Are they not our friends? How can you expect people to understand you if you keep quiet about everything?”

“I don’t keep myself quiet about everything! You know me, you know I enjoy a good exchange of ideas in a respectful manner.”

“Yeah, I know. You keep judging me all the time.”

“Because you deserve it.”

“And they don’t? Why?”

“.. I.. Because.. W-well, I care for their feelings.”

“And you don’t care about mine? Thanks a lot, Clara!”

“Of course I do!”

“Then what’s the difference?”

“The difference is that I know you won’t reject and judge me if I talk. You will never leave me, sister. They, however, they don’t really care about me.. about us.”

“They certainly do care. They have expressed their worries and admiration towards you in the past. They think you are kind.”

“I know but..”

“You don’t believe them, I know.”

“How can someone like me if they don’t really get the opportunity to know me?”

“Isn’t that your own fault for not expressing yourself anyway?”

“I guess but..”

“They do care about you. They have putted up with the fact that you keep that tablet close. It just gives the impression that you don’t want to be there, you know?”

“I do want to be there. I just..”

“Just what? We already had this talk before. I know you see yourself has an outcast with ideals that can be seen as controversial at times. With peculiar tastes, alien and bizarre to the mainstream.”

“No one likes to feel rejected. Though I do envy them.”

“Envy..?”

“I mean, their ideals and what they find amusing is, by all means, widely accepted so it’s easy for them to befriend each others.”

“Ugh.. that’s such an awful way to look at things.”

“How so?”

“Because it makes yourself distance from others. It also makes you look uninterested and judgmental.”

“I care for what other people think, that’s why I spare their feelings.”

“There will always be people that won’t like you. Isn’t it better to just express yourself and allow the people that don’t like you to just move on? While keeping those that genuinely like you?”

“If I did that, I would be alone”

“Don’t be dramatic. It’s better to be genuine than living an illusion.”

“Look who’s talking..”

“Quiet!”

“You know what? I don’t think we’re going anywhere next week.”

“Fine, be that way.”

“What way?”

“Insecure.”

In a white room, days passed without seeing a familiar and friendly face except their own. Once in a while, having the opportunity to walk out of those four walls to bright up their own souls and skin. The difference between a girl and a woman, they were obviously still too young and incomplete to be considered mature. Lacking confidence, like a toddler who needs the company of her own parents to comfort her and build the confidence she needs to become independent. Insecure. Flawed.

 

Flaws make perfectionists uncomfortable. Who wants to be judged for their own flaws that they simply cannot help themselves? A double edged sword, certainly! Wouldn’t life be easier if those flaws weren’t there to begin with? Certainly. But is there anyone that is perfect in every way?

Nobody is perfect, everything is flawed. Those that strive for perfection are like a pet on a treadmill aiming to get the carrot that they will never achieve. The treadmill always spinning around, much like the excuses, arguments and vicious cycle of aiming for a new appearance or change in one’s personality to better achieve the image one has built upon themselves to reach that high pedestal of what is the new and improved “me”. And once achieved, again you notice the flaws that you have gained with this change. And you try to change again, and you find new flaws. And you try again.. and again.. and again. Running on the treadmill, make those paws work. And you look around, see others move on with their lives, without using a treadmill or caring to better themselves that much.. and all you’re left is with envy of those who have embraced their flaws and have, ironically, became better than you. Became mature.

You know you can walk away from the treadmill. It’s not that hard to walk away from that treadmill. But that carrot, it’s there. You were lead to believe one way or another that the carrot was able to be reached and that you could only find true happiness if you nibble it. And you look at those that you envy, telling yourself that life isn’t fair.

Congratulations, you have become neurotic. Flawed by pretending that you can achieve a state on which you will become mostly flawless or contempt with one self, while wishing for no one to find out how flawed you really are.

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