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Dreams

(Still experimenting but I kinda like this featured image! It is almost accurate to my vision)

 

Good afternoon everyone!

Today I’ve decided to write this blog post, one about dreams. I know right? Talking about something non-political for once, it’s like a breath of fresh air!

 

Why talk about dreams? What is there to talk about? I don’t know.. it’s just an interesting topic to me and one that I would like to share a few thoughts that I believe some people might find useful or relatable. I’ll also be sharing an old returning dream of mine back when I was an (actual) teenager, and how I reacted to it at the time and what it taught me.

 

 

First of, what are dreams? It is always wise to first describe the word that we’ll be using for an entire post.

 

A dream can be several things to several people. Emotions, images, stories, fiction, solving problems, memories, desires.. the list goes on. These happen when you rest, during one’s beauty sleep. Life taught me that men and women dream differently (though that’s not really important for this post). While there are people that believe there’s a spiritual meaning behind them, that need to be interpreted; there are others that believe that these should be ignored for they are mostly made of nonsense and scraps that are being tidied in the right compartments of the psyche.

Personally, I believe they are all of those.. except the spiritual aspect. I do not believe they come from gods or spirits.. but from our own subconscious. I know, it’s obvious. It has to come from our own mind and, therefore, it has to be based on things that we must known or have seen or thought. Either consciously or subconsciously.

This is the part that I find most interesting and a few may disagree. I don’t believe most dreams hold any special meaning. However, I do believe some do hold a special meaning. The more intense a dream is and the more we are able to remember it everyday, then it is worth investigating! Even more, if it starts to repeat. If a dream makes you worried, or the emotions that you felt on the dream are carried to reality even if for just a few seconds, I believe it is time for an introspection.

However, I also do believe that only the person who dreams it can know what it means. In short, I don’t believe one should ask someone else to interpret one’s dream. The dream came from your mind, from your own thoughts. Only you hold the key to understand what those emotions, images and fiction means. A color may symbolize something that only you know, therefore there’s no way to generalize a color’s meaning in a dream. One must understand oneself to better realize what your dreams could mean to you!

 

I believe that dreams, when they repeat and are intense, can be used to better understand oneself. Our own fears, our own emotions that we may not even be aware! Or even issues in our own mind. But it’s also wise to never fully embrace and act upon one’s dreams. Because, at the end of the day, most dreams may not hold any special meaning. You can never be too sure and dreams are not evidence of anything wrong or positive about your life and mental health. It is a way for your brain to organize itself; based on the things you saw, know or feel. And most of them can be made of incoherent gibberish.

.. But, if we are confident that a dream may hold a special meaning, then I believe we should try to understand it to better understand ourselves. Not with google, or with the aid of others.. but based on our own interpretation of it. We are able to figure it out by ourselves since it came from us. We know what a certain object means, what a certain color means, what a gesture or emotion means. Because our mind is not a separate identity from ourselves. We are the mind and the subconscious holds the thoughts that we refuse to think about on our daily lives.

 

Our brains allows us to breathe without thinking, in the same way that our subconscious deals with certain emotions and thoughts that we don’t want to think about but still have to be part of our being in order to keep our sanity intact.

This is my personal opinion, of what is a dream and if they hold some value. The short answer is: Only you know if a dream is important or not and if you should use it to better understand yourself. And only you can know the meaning behind the dream. Following a literal dream is as foolish as following one’s heart, since sometimes the heart isn’t in the right place. Sometimes, however, one must understand and solve the issues that plague our subconscious. Those warnings may sometimes materialize in the form of dreams. Dreams are a mere symptom that need other real symptoms to be considered legit aspects that need attention. A dream alone without other actual real symptoms is nothing to be worried.

 

With that view on dreams that I hold, it is obvious that I, myself, had a few interesting experiences related to this topic through out my life. Though most of them are personal and private, there is one that I would love to share to whoever has been reading thus far.

 

 

This specific dream that I’ll be talking about did haunt me ever since the beginning of my own puberty. It lasted for nearly ten years. Though not everyday or even every week, it repeated often enough to be remembered even after not dreaming it for around seven years. In fact, this dream became so intense and frightening that it was one of the many things that lead me to “come out of the closet”, as they say! And it never came back since I did so, which means that the dream was associated with my condition and not being honest with myself and others.

The featured image that I used for this blog post is mostly accurate to part of that dream.. down to the colors that I remember.

First, I’ll expose the dream. Then I’ll share the interpretation of it that took me years to fully understand. Then I’ll explain what I did after realizing what it meant.

 

The dream starts in fog, white and slowly revealing the soft beige colors that would be maintained through out most of the dream. It quickly reveals a feminine figure. That figure looked closely like myself. The fog covered my vision of what was bellow my shoulders and all I could see was what was above the shoulders.

A quick note: As most dreams that I have, I very rarely dream of myself in my own eyes but in third person. Though I can act, feel and talk.. my dreams never reveal my own vision but the vision from somewhere else.. like a camera from a movie focusing on the protagonist. Though clearly I am the protagonist and I’m in full control of my own figure, emotions and thoughts.

Despise not being able to see what was underneath the fog, I knew that I was naked. I could not feel what was underneath the fog, but I could use my own hands. My own feminine figure had most of her face covered, exposing only the jaw, nose and mouth. What covered her face was not fog.. but a messy tangled web of confusion.. hair. I wanted to know if that feminine figure was really me and, conveniently, there is a cheval mirror standing in front of me. Given that I am the feminine figure in this dream, I approach it calmly, in a single step.

The mirror reveals what I already had seen. Fog bellow the shoulders and the mess that covered most of the face. This is the moment that I can see myself in first person. My curiosity lead me to use my hands and remove the hair in front of my eyes. I wanted to know if that feminine figure was really me. But dreams are bizarre and, as I try to remove the hair in front of my eyes.. it reveals that there is more hair underneath.

Confused, I keep trying. I start using both my hands and I begin to realize that I’m unable to remove the hair from my face. Underneath hair, there was more hair. I clench my teeth, the frustration starts to build in and my hand movements start to hasten as I try to force my way in hope that I have a glimpse on what’s underneath the hair.

As the frustration grows and I start to yell out the pain, the shades of beige start to get darker. Despise being unable to see my own eyes, I still was able see my hands and the reflection in front of the mirror clearly. But I was unable to see what was underneath the hair.

The colors, as they would grow darker and darker, bring an end to the dream and bring me to reality.. since I would always wake up after that dream still clinging to the frustration and haziness it brought and wondering if that figure was really me.

 

Of course, we could always ask someone for what they think this dream means. Or a specialist, or a spiritual leader. But, as I’ve mentioned earlier, dreams are born from our subconscious, from our own thoughts and feelings. Only we, ourselves, are able to figure out our own dreams. With this dream, I will give an example of what I mean by that.

In order, I’ll explain the meaning behind my dream.

 

The dream starts white. For me, it represents purity and innocence. And it also represents enlightenment. In whiteness, the several shades of beige are born and they form the dream itself. Beige is a soft color and, for me, it represents sensitivity. Since it is also a color quite close to my own skin tone, it is a familiar color. Familiar, truth, sensitive and delicate are the four words that come to mind when beige is presented to me. It also is a color that catches my attention, as something that needs special consideration. It is a warning sign that what is going to happen is very important, emotional and requires thought, delicate actions and soft spoken words.

When these colors are presented to me in such a fashion, it means that what is about to happen is of extreme importance and is life changing. So there is a sense of mystery and high expectations on what is going to happen. The fog underlines this mystery or truths that have yet to be revealed.

The feminine figure is easily identifiable as me. It shares the same mouth and nose. But the jaw line, neck thickness and shoulders seemed off. What could be described as a feminine interpretation of myself (which, nowadays, when I think about it, my brain actually figured out somehow how I would somehow look like without testosterone in the present. That is impressive.. though strange). This added more to the mystery though, clearly, given that I was starting puberty, it was the embodiment of what I wanted for myself.

The fog covers everything bellow the shoulders. Since I know that this feminine figure of myself was naked, it represents vulnerability and delicateness. And also things to reveal, hidden. There is also certain curiosity to how I look like underneath all that fog, though clearly never the focus. This represents sexuality. Since I’m unable to verify the existence of breasts and genitalia, it means that my sexual desires were unknown and yet to be revealed. Yet, again, it never seems to be the focus of this dream since I am more curious to learn about the identity of that figure has really being me or not.

The hairy mess that covered most of my face and eyes represents my negligence. It is there and messy because I’ve allowed it to be that way. It got to the point that it covered my eyes, my identity. This means that I willingly decided to ignore and conceal my identity from myself and others. A web of messy lies and dishonesty that went too far.

I was watching myself in third person, as if looking through an invisible camera that focused on the protagonist. This is the rule in most of my dreams, the default. It means that everything thus far was the norm, the status quo. There was a mirror however, nearby. And as I walk towards the mirror that represents the ability to self reflect, to indulge in introspection; the vision changes to the first person. That means that I still hold the power to find out about my own identity through some introspection.

The fact that I can still use my eyes and see clearly, despise the mirror showing that there is plenty of hair in front of them only underlines that the mess that covers the vision and judgement is nothing more than an illusion. The lies aren’t real, though I can clearly make sense of those lies by doing some introspection. It is recognizing that there is something wrong in one’s identity and that there is still hope since I had not become completely blinded by the very same lies that I’ve created to justify the facade that I used to live when I was young.

I knew that feminine figure was me but, somehow, I wanted to make sure it was really me. This means that I still didn’t had access to my true self, to my personality. That I didn’t fully knew who I was or wasn’t sure that what I thought to be me was really me. The lies that kept my true self hidden meant that I was curious.. yet afraid to be right.

My hands could be used to remove the hair in front of my eyes. It means that, deep down, I really wanted to take steps and find out if that figure was my true self. But there was more hair underneath the hair.. and that caused frustration. It means, after all, the web of lies and illusions were unable to be removed on my own. And that, on my own, even if I tried to remove the lies and understand myself more and more through the illusions that I’ve created, there would always be more lies and illusions underneath. This can only mean that, though there is a necessity to dispel to find oneself, I would still always be fearful and create more illusions and lies to keep my true identity concealed. It means that I was being an hypocrite and working against my own interests with the dishonesty I was continuously creating.

The feelings that it brought, of frustration and helplessness, is the embodiment of high Neuroticism. The dream becomes dark, teeth grinding. The darkness means the end, a conclusion. It also means to conceal, to forget. To interrupt, in this situation. It means something is interrupting my progress, to find my true self. And as I always woke up right afterwards.. it means that reality, my own daily life. That is what was stopping me from finding myself. Life itself didn’t allowed me to be who I am. The frustration is carried through reality and I’m left wondering who that figure really was.

The ironic part is not that the dream forced me to wake up. Deep down, I wanted to wake up because I couldn’t handle the frustration that the dream always brought to the surface.

 

As I grew older, the figure, too, aged at the same rate as myself in reality. And so the frustration and weariness grew alongside it. Because I was starting to become too self conscious and aware of this dream’s existence. Together with the disforia in it by itself. Though it wasn’t a dream that made me realize of my condition, it was still one of the many warning symptoms of keeping myself hidden from the public eye and keep the facade for so long until adulthood.

The dream only ceased to reappear when I decided to “come out of the closet”. Which only shows that the dream represented my denial, of who I am in my essence. It represented the emotions and the facade I had built to keep myself hidden for so long from my conscious reality and from those that I used to deal with daily. My subconscious was filled with the thoughts and emotions that I didn’t want to think or feel. And my subconscious brought that dream over and over because it was loaded with such negative feedback.

Once I’ve opened my mouth and did my own research.. my subconscious was free and became healthier with time. It no longer needed to process those specific emotions and thoughts, finally having time for other issues that also need attention.

 

 

This is why I believe that some dreams can be useful. But it is up to us to figure out if a dream is a warning sign of our own subconscious.. or just another foolish segment of nothing but gibberish nonsense.

Thank you for reading and I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this blog post! Sweet dreams~

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The blur of Reality & Online

(Basic featured image is basic)

 

Good afternoon!

It has been a while since I’ve wrote on this blog. I know I know..

Either way, here we are. Another post, one that will sound more like a short incoherent ramble about the future of my online pseudonym!

First, I would like to quote a former post I’ve made on this blog.

“I should know better by now, as someone of my own age, to not behave this carelessly online on my public accounts. I should had kept myself to drawing and sharing stories. Again, that was the original idea when I created the pseudonym “SapphyDe90”. To focus on art, to be genuine yet kind. I guess the “art” and “kindness” got lost somewhere, leaving only the brutal honesty to the public. Unfiltered.. for most part. Lax. Perhaps naive, which is something that goes against what I am in reality.. though it is true that I can act quite childish. Personally, I don’t mind being childish on some aspects, as long I’m mature where it actually matters.”

“More and more I’ve thought to myself what to do with this pseudonym. I’ve been less motivated to draw as time passes by. Yet I’ve been felling the pressure to express my creativity somehow. It pains me that, at the age of 26 (nearly 27), I’m here thinking about what I want to do when “I grow up”. In this case, what type of artist I want to be. Again. I thought I had that set on stone, I was doing well with my art style. My stories and universes were, in my humble biased opinion, well developed and it’s a shame I never shared not even a single one to a wider audience, in a more complete sense! But, alas, people know that I’m changing. It’s a long process, that I’m quite enjoying the results that have been surprising me. But this is not the post to talk about my transition..”

Ignoring the rambling about art, given that it is something that will take some time and patience from my part to do so.. (my daily life does not allow me to fully dedicate myself to do some soul searching and find myself again as an artist) it is clear that, ever since I’ve started my transition, my online presence has changed drastically. And, to be honest, so has my real presence in the real world.. obviously.

 

Some of you are aware of my blue haired cartoon character, an alter ego which goal was to serve as an online persona and a way to humanize my own personality that was locked away in my subconscious. The idea of a blue (actually cyan) haired girl sporting a mix of magenta, yellow and black came in 2013.

 

First appearance – August 2013

First came the face, has I still lacked a art style of my own.

The blue hair came with the idea that, as basic and obvious as it may seem, my name is associated with a gemstone that is typically related with the color blue (even though this gem exists in other colors). However, I gave it a lighter shade, a pure cyan because, at the time, I was finishing a Graphic Design course and I thought it would be funny if I went ahead and used Cyan, Magenta, Yellow and Black! For me, it represents the ability to adapt to most social circumstances and events while, at the same time, not losing focus of my individuality. As Sapphire.

The rose tinted glasses, though normally associated with blinded nostalgia, it represents several things for me. First, it simbolizes a one sided vision of the world. Stubbornness, in short. An individual with strong convictions and morals. The rose tinted color represents tradition, since it is connected with nostalgia. Though I am nostalgic about a few things, it means that I hold a more old fashioned view of how things should be. It’s classic. Though, if one looks closer, the eyes behind the glasses are blue. Again, it represents an independent view. In short, I don’t like to impose my own values onto others and I enjoy my right to be an old fashioned individual… the same way that I feel others should be free to follow their own values.. as long they don’t impose those onto me.

 

Another August 2013 drawing

The hairpin, though I rarely included those on my drawings, it represents my geek side. It doesn’t serve any purpose for the hairstyle, nor does it mold it drastically but it means that I’m fine with that aspect of mine.

The wardrobe itself, the clothing.. there was never a special meaning behind it. It was style, ways to represent the other colors mentioned earlier. And often have I changed the clothing, depending on the season.

With Cyan, Magenta, Yellow and Black, I could give my alter ego any color I wanted. Which is why, at times (Halloween, for example), my alter ego would be drawn with other shades, other colors.

 

Halloween 2015

The shape of the eyes and the eye-shadow are also peculiar, different from all the characters I have drawn thus far. For one, my alter ego lacks eyebrows. At first, this was a mistake that I’ve realized much later. But I came to like it this way! For me, it symbolizes a faint hint of pride in one self. Though extremely self conscious and a perfectionist, I am still able to maintain a certain level of confidence in my views.

Instead of having eyebrows, the eyeliner extends far above and reaching the brow bone. It is a way to fix a mistake, the lack of eyebrows. Again, it underlines my flaw (or virtue, depending of one’s perspective) of being a perfectionist that tries to correct everything wrong in herself. Certain vanity.

The shape of the eyes and thick eyeliner represents a superficial judgement. It’s bold, a judgmental stare. It means that, despise everything said earlier, I still judge others heavily on their actions, words or lack of those. Though I do not impose my judgement, I still judge others inwardly. This is obviously a gross exaggeration of that aspect of mine.

 

Halloween 2016

Of course, all of this work around a cartoon character, an alter ego, served a purpose in the past. This purpose however, no longer applies.

Things have changed quite a lot since I’ve started my transition. Being online, having an cartoon avatar like this allowed me to keep in mind who I am, to maintain my personality alive and burning in the digital world while, in reality.. I would still had to wait for that to happen. A gross exaggeration of my virtues and flaws was brought to life thanks to a short tempered blue haired hippy looking cartoon character.

The character was never something I aspired to be given that she was, in essence, me. I used to love this character, even though I do admit that her appearance wasn’t friendly for the wider audience to relate to!

 

Given the changes in my life, it is time to say goodbye to this alter ego. Because, with my transition, I no longer need a mask to hide behind.

 

 

And so we move to the future. Given my transition and the fact that my personality is no longer hidden in riddles and chains, it is no mystery to others who I am.

Though I am difficult to be understood.. according to some of the people in my life, complicated. I feel that the line that separates reality and the online presence I used to keep it hidden more from those I deal with in reality, that line is starting to blur. People are becoming aware of the type of person that I am, the things that I like and my own thoughts. I no longer keep it hidden, though I tend to filter those more in reality out of kindness and overall passivity.

Truth is, there’s no point in hiding what I am in reality from the digital (online) realm.. the same way there’s no point in hiding what I am in the digital (online) realm from the people in the real world. Which is why I’ve created an Instagram account and even uploaded a photo of me as a profile picture across all sorts of social medias!

 

I am what I am. I am SapphyDe90, Sapphy, Sapphire, Safira. I have no real shame in what I do, believe and say. I am free~

And yes, I’ve lost a few “friends” on the way. Either because I, myself, walked away from such toxic relationships or they, themselves, walked away from me. Though it is a shame that some of those, who claimed to support me, faded away the moment I exposed my true colors. Nothing of value was lost, it’s all I have to say.. but I would be lying if I said I didn’t hold some resentment over a few of those people. I mean, here I am sharing my happiness and freedom.. and they just walk away after saying that they would support me. If anything, you should feel happy that I’m happy and I’m sharing you the happiness that you wished for me to have!

Perhaps there are a few people that believe that I’m bragging about my own achievements, or that go as far to say that I’ve become a narcissist behind my back. Shows how much you people grasp this situation I’m in and how low your faith is in me. Do me a favor and get lost if that’s your opinion.

Again, it’s no secret that I’m in some sort of pseudo adolescence. Except, you know, this is the right adolescence that I should of had back when I was an actual teenager. You know how teenagers are, experimenting and discovering their developing bodies and emotions. It’s healthy.. and that is what’s been going on in my life in these last few months. The fact that this vanity and self-absorption of mine, in recent months, has turned away a few people or has made them feel insecure and self-conscious about their own appearance and feelings is, at best, amusing! At worst, pathetic and sad. Because how low do you have to be to feel those things over someone with a disorder? Petty, ignorant.. there are no words to describe people who were lucky in life and still, somehow, manage to envy those who, just now, are able to live a normal life. You had your whole life filled with happiness, the teenage youthful bodies that you could relate. At the age of 27, here comes silly me finally having the body and mind that I deserve, much later in life compared to everyone else and still.. people feel the need to moan about it. No seriously.. get lost, don’t ever talk to me, just go away and don’t look back, unfriend me on your social medias, do whatever you want but can you just disappear from my life?

On the other hand, I’ve gained other friendships.. that feel truer. So no, I’m not the one losing here. I lose more keeping the reluctant in my life and/or friends’ list because, when I browse my friends’ list or social media feeds, their faces and names are there and it forces me to remind of their existence.. and that’s what creates resentment. Someday, I might be the one doing the cleanup if they don’t do it themselves with dignity. When my paciente starts to run dry and surpasses my natural submissive and passive outlook, of course!

 

 

So, what does the future hold for my online pseudonym, SapphyDe90? Simple, it holds everything that I am, what I want to do, what I want to say. It is no longer about just art, about my thoughts, about games, about politics, about anything in specific.

Thank you for reading this blog post and I hope you have a nice weekend!

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Major Status Update (January 29th 2017)

 

(How basic can you get with a featured image?)

Good evening!

This is an improvised blog post, in order for those that visit my website, learn of the major news I have to share about the future of my content. Specifically, my drawings!

 

As you are aware, I drew almost nothing during this month. And the reason is quite simple..

I’m becoming a different person than I was. Emotionally, psychologically. My HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy), though it has been a month and a half, it has changed me on those aspects. And the way that I express my creativity is a little different now, and it is showing signs that it will continue changing for a while. As silly as it may sound, I can no longer replicate my art-style the way I used to. In fact, it has become much harder to do so. There has been little motivation to draw and, when I do so, the results have been bellow what I used to deem acceptable. They have been mediocre, terrible. Garbage. Embarrassing!

During a whole month, I was only able to produce this. There’s sooo much wrong in that drawing that I took a few hours to muster enough courage to click that “Submit” button on both my DeviantArt and Tumblr accounts, sharing on my Facebook and Twitter.

 

That’s correct. The HRT is affecting my creativity and the way that I express it. Which has lead me to decide and announce that I’ll be taking a big break from drawing in general. I have a drawing tablet. I’ve decided that, during this long break, I’ll be developing a new art-style that better suits my new form of creative expression and “dropping the mouse” once and for all. It will take a few months, I’ll be waiting to see what the Estrogen will also do when the time comes, instead of assuming that I’m only going to be affected emotionally and psychologically by the Antiandrogens I’m taking currently over the last month and a half.

If you want to stay updated, be sure to follow me on Twitter OR Facebook.
twitter.com/SapphyDe90
www.facebook.com/SapphyDe90/

In the meantime, I’ll stick to my political commentaries, blogging and gaming (I might start streaming stuff or make gaming related videos)
Thank you for reading and I apologize for the lack of art during this month and the few others to follow. I hope that my reasons I’ve provided have allowed you to understand why.

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