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Creative Expression – The Crossroads

(Eh.. I kinda gave up midway on this featured image)

 

Good morning. Technically, I wrote this on the 1st of April.. but, to make sure people wouldn’t mistake this for a April Fools’ joke, I’ve decided to make it public today!

 

 

Creativity. That was something I used to say more proudly that I had within myself. Though I used to draw more often, create characters easily and develop entire worlds and stories out of thin air; refining those along the years.. I can’t say that’s the case currently.

It’s to no surprise for those that follow my content and posts, as little as that number actually is since I do not create content that resonates with a more visible audience. What I’ve always created publicly has been based on things that I enjoy or concern me.. rather than generating content for the sake of pleasing and attracting a larger gathering of followers or subscribers.

There has been no direction to the things I post nowadays. No obvious goal or motive behind my channels, website and social media. What was once an attempt to make my own art, stories and characters public for everyone to enjoy; has dissolved itself to posts about politics, silly things that I find amusing and sharing my own predicaments. There has been no art, no drawings, no stories to tell. Only opinions, from a voice that should probably just stay silent and allow the “grown ups to do the talking” while cheer-leading from behind the voices of reason. With likes, shares, subscriptions, comments and so on.

 

I should know better by now, as someone of my own age, to not behave this carelessly online on my public accounts. I should had kept myself to drawing and sharing stories. Again, that was the original idea when I created the pseudonym “SapphyDe90”. To focus on art, to be genuine yet kind. I guess the “art” and “kindness” got lost somewhere, leaving only the brutal honesty to the public. Unfiltered.. for most part. Lax. Perhaps naive, which is something that goes against what I am in reality.. though it is true that I can act quite childish. Personally, I don’t mind being childish on some aspects, as long I’m mature where it actually matters.

 

More and more I’ve thought to myself what to do with this pseudonym. I’ve been less motivated to draw as time passes by. Yet I’ve been felling the pressure to express my creativity somehow. It pains me that, at the age of 26 (nearly 27), I’m here thinking about what I want to do when “I grow up”. In this case, what type of artist I want to be. Again. I thought I had that set on stone, I was doing well with my art style. My stories and universes were, in my humble biased opinion, well developed and it’s a shame I never shared not even a single one to a wider audience, in a more complete sense! But, alas, people know that I’m changing. It’s a long process, that I’m quite enjoying the results that have been surprising me. But this is not the post to talk about my transition..

 

It irks me that I haven’t found myself time to properly think about what direction I want to take. How to express my creativity. I look at the time, as it flicks by. Appointments, work, resting, feeling like the worst person ever for rarely paying attention to my friends as of late. I come home, hardly feeling like doing anything productive at all. No time to think about the future.. except the treatment or the job that I have. Sometimes thinking that I should probably take time to do that one thing or another that is also important; which I do end up doing, occupying more of my time and continuing to postpone any actual attempt to find a new way to express myself.

But where is the time to think about how to express my creativity? This has been one of the most important aspects of my life, to expose my stories, settings and characters to the world; to make people feel and to make them think. To watch and smile when I see people coming up with their own interpretations. Perhaps even broaden a few minds. To also learn from the criticism, to learn more about myself and others.

 

It’s true, I’m an introvert. I’ve always been more of a listener rather than someone that talks and, while I do enjoy being with my friends, social gatherings drain me rather than invigorating. Since I’m a listener and an observer in nature, environments that produce a lot of stimuli tend to tire me easily.. given that I pay attention to every detail and really think about those details, unlike extroverts. And when there’s too many things going on, it’s no wonder that I get often lost thinking about everything around me. Which is why my definition of resting is.. not engaging with anyone and do my own thing for a while. As such, I spend most of my time soul-searching!

I dwell with emotions rather than facts, though I do appreciate (quite a lot) those that can provide facts. With facts provided by trustworthy sources, I tend to interprete how those facts affect society and the people around me. Psychology and emotions.. the human mind fascinates me and I feel that my role in society is to provide some form of guidance and emotional support. To look at society, or part of it, take note of these patterns and think abstractly about what is the passion and emotions behind the actions and words of groups and individuals. It’s not about what people stand for, say or do. But why are they acting that way? What is really going on, what do they fear, what do they actually believe?

While facts are necessary, and I do hold facts above any type of belief, I feel that the best way to tackle the issues in society is to appeal to the passions and emotions of the individuals interested in listening to the aid that I can provide. Instead of being blunt and talk about the issues and facts, I would rather express my concerns and opinions publicly by the use of symbolism, storytelling and art. What if’s, fiction, abstract. Characters, groups, universes that reflect the emotions and passions that are relatable to our own reality, daily life and current events.

That’s the type of artist I am and has been dormant of late.

 

 

When I was a child, I wanted to be an Obstetrician. Yes, I know. I was a child that, when people used to ask what I wanted to be in adulthood, I would say “I want to be a doctor that delivers babies”. Considering everything, it makes sense why I would say such a specific, yet silly thing.

I don’t think the passion behind it changed at all.. it simply took another path to reach the same goal. To nurture. When I look at everything that I’ve done and continue to passionately talk about, it becomes clearer. Why an Obstetrician? Why storytelling? Why art? Why did I chose to draw cartoons? Because I probably realized, at a really young age, that I couldn’t have children of my own.. at least the way I’ve always desired. Perhaps, before undergoing this treatment I’m currently in; drawing, storytelling and becoming an obstetrician was my way to make manifest my desire to be a mother. To teach, to love, to help someone grow and become a better person.

 

Perhaps the question is not how will I express my creativity.. but how can I nurture others? And it becomes clearer!

I don’t want to make hasty decisions. I really want to continue my treatment and reach a point that I know I’m emotionally and psychologically settled enough to decide how will I do just that. When I asked that question to myself, a few ideas came to mind. But I’m not on estrogen yet.. it’s best to wait and decide once everything becomes even more obvious.

 

 

Thank you for reading this, dear reader and here’s an advise.. analise your desires and passions, your motivations and feelings. If you have never done that honestly and with time, consider doing it.. you’ll be surprised~

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.Graveyard – Expressions and Slang 101

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This list of words and expressions will be updated slowly and along the way. Be sure to visit this post when you hear a word or expression that you are not entirely sure what it means. Use CTRL+F (or whatever shortcut or menu option you may have to search for certain keywords) to find the word or expression easily.

 

Admin – The ones that rule over the .Graveyard. Almost godlike beings, angelic. They maintain, create, exercise the rules, destroy and make changes to whatever Server or Avatar they decide to. (For more information, click here).

Avatars – The main inhabitants of the .Graveyard. They live eternally and are rebooted (see reboot(ed)) on their thousandth year. (For more information, click here).

Cooney – Slang. Derogatory term used for Avatars who are perceived as insane conspiracy theorists (see theorists). Looney Avatars.

Day – A Day (with a capital D) is a method of counting time. It is a period of time equal to a thousand years. (For more information, click here and read “What time and day is it?”).

Eliminate – Admins (see Admin) are the only ones that can kill an Avatar permanently. Such process is not called murder or assassination, but elimination. (For more information, click here and read “Never negotiate. Our rules, always”).

Faction Loyalist (or just Loyalist) – A general expression used for an Avatar that has dedicated themselves to a single large group of Avatars under a single banner. (For more information, click here and read “The Faction Loyaltists”, under “So many Avatars, so many cultures”).

Friends’ List – A personal list of Avatars that an Avatar has access to on their own mind and a thought away to gaze at it with their own psych. To add an Avatar, both have to agree to add each other to their own list. (For more information, click here).

Idol – An Avatar that has become famous one way or another. (For more information, click here and read “The Idols”, under “So many Avatars, so many cultures”).

Halo(s) – Slang. Admin(s). (see Admin)

Hero – An idol (see idol) that aspires to become an Admin (see Admin) and/or to beat one in a fair fight. They are known for their powers across multiple Servers (see Server (1)). (For more information, click here and read “The Heroes”, under “So many Avatars, so many cultures”).

Hop in – Slang. The process of teleporting (see teleporting (1)) to a Server. (For more information, click here).

Hop off – Slang. The process of teleporting (see teleporting (1)) away from a Server with no clear destination. (For more information, click here).

Teleporting – (1) The ability to move away from a Server (see Server (1)) and move to another one. Only Avatars, Admins and Pixies have such ability. (2) When not referring to the .Graveyard itself and depending on the context, it could literally mean what the word exactly means.

Native – An Avatar that has decided to inhabit a single Server. Unlike roleplayers (see roleplayers), they do not deny the existence of other Servers and the .Graveyard itself. (For more information, click here and read “The Natives”, under “So many Avatars, so many cultures”). The opposite of a nomad (see nomad).

Nomad – An Avatar that doesn’t settle with just one Server. (For more information, click here and read “The Nomads”, under “So many Avatars, so many cultures”). The opposite of a native (see native).

Noob – Slang. Derogatory term used for Avatars who still carry a Pixie alongside them (see Pixie). Naive. Weak. Slow.

NPC – (1) Nonessential Primitive Commodity. They are one of the few type of inhabitants within the .Graveyard, considered inferior by Avatars. (For more information, click here). (2) Slang. Derogatory term when applied to an Avatar, usually roleplayers (see roleplayer). Stupid. Lacking intellect.

NPCF – Nonessential Primitive Commodity Fucker. Slang. Derogatory term used for Avatars (1) who fancy NPC’s (see NPC’s). (2) that are Roleplayers (see roleplayer).

Pixie – Every Avatar is given their own Pixie when they are Reborn (see reborn (2)) or Rebooted (see rebooted). Creatures that take any sort of form that is strangely familiar and friendly to their Avatar. (For more information, click here).

Pray – (1) Slang. Report (see report). (2) When not referring to the .Graveyard itself and depending on the context, it could literally mean what the word exactly means. There could be magic and mysticism confined within a few selected Servers (see Server).

Private Server – A personal and secret area that every Avatar owns that can only be accessed by themselves or the Avatars in their friends’ list (see friends’ list) that they allow to. (For more information, click here and read “A place to call home”).

Public Spawn Point – A Spawn Point (see Spawn Point) that is usually located within public and friendly area within the Server that can be accessed by every Avatar. (For more information, click here and read “Don’t forget to create your own Spawn Point!”).

Rebirth – Another expression used for the process of being rebooted (see rebooted). Usually used by theorists (see theorist) that are have use a more superstitious or spiritual approach to the process itself.

Reborn – (1) Adjective given to newly Rebooted (see rebooted) Avatars. Usually used by theorists (see theorist) that are have use a more superstitious or spiritual approach to the process itself. (2) Adjective used by Admins (see Admin) only when an Avatar is new to the .Graveyard and has never been rebooted (see rebooted). (For more information, click here and read “Reborn has an Avatar”).

Reboot(ed) – The process an Avatar has to go through usually at the end of their thousandth year, during New Year. Or punishment by the hand of an Admin. Complete rebirth. A new life, eliminating every trace of their previous life. (For more information, click here and read “The .Graveyard is never dull”).

Report – An Avatar’s ability to whisper (see whisper) to the Admins (see Admin) in hope that one will listen to their call. (For more information, click here and read “We listen to your complains, honest”).

Resurrected – Avatars cannot die and, thus, when they die, they are resurrected in the form of a wisp (see wisp). Not to be mistaken for being reborn (see reborn) or rebooted (see reboot).

Roleplayer – The extreme version of a native (see native). They deny the existence of other Servers but their own and fully embrace every aspect of the Server they have chosen for themselves for one reason or another. (For more information, click here and read “The Roleplayers”, under “So many Avatars, so many cultures”).

Server – (1) From an Avatar’s perspective, a Server is an entire universe created by the Admins (see Admin) that exists only to serve, be controlled and populated by Avatars. (For more information, click here). (2) When not referring to the .Graveyard itself and depending on the context, it could literally mean a person or thing that serves or a computer or computer program that manages access to a centralized resource or service in a network within a [.Graveyard] Server.

Server List – A personal list of Servers (see Server (1)) that an Avatar has access to on their own mind and a thought away to gaze at it with their own psych. They can search for any Server that they desire. (For more information, click here).

Spawn Point –  A designated point, previously visited by an Avatar and created by the very same Avatar in order to mark the area on which they may choose to hop in (see hop in) once they decide to return to the Server in the future. (For more information, click here and read “Don’t forget to create your own Spawn Point!”).

Theorist – An Avatar that usually asks the questions that nobody asks, about the .Graveyard itself. Either for superstitious reasons or for scientific research. Sometimes philosophers. (For more information, click here and read “The Theorists”, under “So many Avatars, so many cultures”).

Whisper – The Avatar’s ability to telepathically talk to one or more Avatars on their Friends’ List (For more information, click here).

Wingturd – Slang. Derogatory term used for an Avatar that is perceived as someone that grovels in order to be approved by an Admin (see Admin).

Wisp – Adjective. The form Avatars take, when they die and have to wait twenty four hours within their own Private Server (see Private Server), before they are able to obtain their original form back and gain access to their Server List (see Server List). (For more information, click here).

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