Loading

Dreams

(Still experimenting but I kinda like this featured image! It is almost accurate to my vision)

 

Good afternoon everyone!

Today I’ve decided to write this blog post, one about dreams. I know right? Talking about something non-political for once, it’s like a breath of fresh air!

 

Why talk about dreams? What is there to talk about? I don’t know.. it’s just an interesting topic to me and one that I would like to share a few thoughts that I believe some people might find useful or relatable. I’ll also be sharing an old returning dream of mine back when I was an (actual) teenager, and how I reacted to it at the time and what it taught me.

 

 

First of, what are dreams? It is always wise to first describe the word that we’ll be using for an entire post.

 

A dream can be several things to several people. Emotions, images, stories, fiction, solving problems, memories, desires.. the list goes on. These happen when you rest, during one’s beauty sleep. Life taught me that men and women dream differently (though that’s not really important for this post). While there are people that believe there’s a spiritual meaning behind them, that need to be interpreted; there are others that believe that these should be ignored for they are mostly made of nonsense and scraps that are being tidied in the right compartments of the psyche.

Personally, I believe they are all of those.. except the spiritual aspect. I do not believe they come from gods or spirits.. but from our own subconscious. I know, it’s obvious. It has to come from our own mind and, therefore, it has to be based on things that we must known or have seen or thought. Either consciously or subconsciously.

This is the part that I find most interesting and a few may disagree. I don’t believe most dreams hold any special meaning. However, I do believe some do hold a special meaning. The more intense a dream is and the more we are able to remember it everyday, then it is worth investigating! Even more, if it starts to repeat. If a dream makes you worried, or the emotions that you felt on the dream are carried to reality even if for just a few seconds, I believe it is time for an introspection.

However, I also do believe that only the person who dreams it can know what it means. In short, I don’t believe one should ask someone else to interpret one’s dream. The dream came from your mind, from your own thoughts. Only you hold the key to understand what those emotions, images and fiction means. A color may symbolize something that only you know, therefore there’s no way to generalize a color’s meaning in a dream. One must understand oneself to better realize what your dreams could mean to you!

 

I believe that dreams, when they repeat and are intense, can be used to better understand oneself. Our own fears, our own emotions that we may not even be aware! Or even issues in our own mind. But it’s also wise to never fully embrace and act upon one’s dreams. Because, at the end of the day, most dreams may not hold any special meaning. You can never be too sure and dreams are not evidence of anything wrong or positive about your life and mental health. It is a way for your brain to organize itself; based on the things you saw, know or feel. And most of them can be made of incoherent gibberish.

.. But, if we are confident that a dream may hold a special meaning, then I believe we should try to understand it to better understand ourselves. Not with google, or with the aid of others.. but based on our own interpretation of it. We are able to figure it out by ourselves since it came from us. We know what a certain object means, what a certain color means, what a gesture or emotion means. Because our mind is not a separate identity from ourselves. We are the mind and the subconscious holds the thoughts that we refuse to think about on our daily lives.

 

Our brains allows us to breathe without thinking, in the same way that our subconscious deals with certain emotions and thoughts that we don’t want to think about but still have to be part of our being in order to keep our sanity intact.

This is my personal opinion, of what is a dream and if they hold some value. The short answer is: Only you know if a dream is important or not and if you should use it to better understand yourself. And only you can know the meaning behind the dream. Following a literal dream is as foolish as following one’s heart, since sometimes the heart isn’t in the right place. Sometimes, however, one must understand and solve the issues that plague our subconscious. Those warnings may sometimes materialize in the form of dreams. Dreams are a mere symptom that need other real symptoms to be considered legit aspects that need attention. A dream alone without other actual real symptoms is nothing to be worried.

 

With that view on dreams that I hold, it is obvious that I, myself, had a few interesting experiences related to this topic through out my life. Though most of them are personal and private, there is one that I would love to share to whoever has been reading thus far.

 

 

This specific dream that I’ll be talking about did haunt me ever since the beginning of my own puberty. It lasted for nearly ten years. Though not everyday or even every week, it repeated often enough to be remembered even after not dreaming it for around seven years. In fact, this dream became so intense and frightening that it was one of the many things that lead me to “come out of the closet”, as they say! And it never came back since I did so, which means that the dream was associated with my condition and not being honest with myself and others.

The featured image that I used for this blog post is mostly accurate to part of that dream.. down to the colors that I remember.

First, I’ll expose the dream. Then I’ll share the interpretation of it that took me years to fully understand. Then I’ll explain what I did after realizing what it meant.

 

The dream starts in fog, white and slowly revealing the soft beige colors that would be maintained through out most of the dream. It quickly reveals a feminine figure. That figure looked closely like myself. The fog covered my vision of what was bellow my shoulders and all I could see was what was above the shoulders.

A quick note: As most dreams that I have, I very rarely dream of myself in my own eyes but in third person. Though I can act, feel and talk.. my dreams never reveal my own vision but the vision from somewhere else.. like a camera from a movie focusing on the protagonist. Though clearly I am the protagonist and I’m in full control of my own figure, emotions and thoughts.

Despise not being able to see what was underneath the fog, I knew that I was naked. I could not feel what was underneath the fog, but I could use my own hands. My own feminine figure had most of her face covered, exposing only the jaw, nose and mouth. What covered her face was not fog.. but a messy tangled web of confusion.. hair. I wanted to know if that feminine figure was really me and, conveniently, there is a cheval mirror standing in front of me. Given that I am the feminine figure in this dream, I approach it calmly, in a single step.

The mirror reveals what I already had seen. Fog bellow the shoulders and the mess that covered most of the face. This is the moment that I can see myself in first person. My curiosity lead me to use my hands and remove the hair in front of my eyes. I wanted to know if that feminine figure was really me. But dreams are bizarre and, as I try to remove the hair in front of my eyes.. it reveals that there is more hair underneath.

Confused, I keep trying. I start using both my hands and I begin to realize that I’m unable to remove the hair from my face. Underneath hair, there was more hair. I clench my teeth, the frustration starts to build in and my hand movements start to hasten as I try to force my way in hope that I have a glimpse on what’s underneath the hair.

As the frustration grows and I start to yell out the pain, the shades of beige start to get darker. Despise being unable to see my own eyes, I still was able see my hands and the reflection in front of the mirror clearly. But I was unable to see what was underneath the hair.

The colors, as they would grow darker and darker, bring an end to the dream and bring me to reality.. since I would always wake up after that dream still clinging to the frustration and haziness it brought and wondering if that figure was really me.

 

Of course, we could always ask someone for what they think this dream means. Or a specialist, or a spiritual leader. But, as I’ve mentioned earlier, dreams are born from our subconscious, from our own thoughts and feelings. Only we, ourselves, are able to figure out our own dreams. With this dream, I will give an example of what I mean by that.

In order, I’ll explain the meaning behind my dream.

 

The dream starts white. For me, it represents purity and innocence. And it also represents enlightenment. In whiteness, the several shades of beige are born and they form the dream itself. Beige is a soft color and, for me, it represents sensitivity. Since it is also a color quite close to my own skin tone, it is a familiar color. Familiar, truth, sensitive and delicate are the four words that come to mind when beige is presented to me. It also is a color that catches my attention, as something that needs special consideration. It is a warning sign that what is going to happen is very important, emotional and requires thought, delicate actions and soft spoken words.

When these colors are presented to me in such a fashion, it means that what is about to happen is of extreme importance and is life changing. So there is a sense of mystery and high expectations on what is going to happen. The fog underlines this mystery or truths that have yet to be revealed.

The feminine figure is easily identifiable as me. It shares the same mouth and nose. But the jaw line, neck thickness and shoulders seemed off. What could be described as a feminine interpretation of myself (which, nowadays, when I think about it, my brain actually figured out somehow how I would somehow look like without testosterone in the present. That is impressive.. though strange). This added more to the mystery though, clearly, given that I was starting puberty, it was the embodiment of what I wanted for myself.

The fog covers everything bellow the shoulders. Since I know that this feminine figure of myself was naked, it represents vulnerability and delicateness. And also things to reveal, hidden. There is also certain curiosity to how I look like underneath all that fog, though clearly never the focus. This represents sexuality. Since I’m unable to verify the existence of breasts and genitalia, it means that my sexual desires were unknown and yet to be revealed. Yet, again, it never seems to be the focus of this dream since I am more curious to learn about the identity of that figure has really being me or not.

The hairy mess that covered most of my face and eyes represents my negligence. It is there and messy because I’ve allowed it to be that way. It got to the point that it covered my eyes, my identity. This means that I willingly decided to ignore and conceal my identity from myself and others. A web of messy lies and dishonesty that went too far.

I was watching myself in third person, as if looking through an invisible camera that focused on the protagonist. This is the rule in most of my dreams, the default. It means that everything thus far was the norm, the status quo. There was a mirror however, nearby. And as I walk towards the mirror that represents the ability to self reflect, to indulge in introspection; the vision changes to the first person. That means that I still hold the power to find out about my own identity through some introspection.

The fact that I can still use my eyes and see clearly, despise the mirror showing that there is plenty of hair in front of them only underlines that the mess that covers the vision and judgement is nothing more than an illusion. The lies aren’t real, though I can clearly make sense of those lies by doing some introspection. It is recognizing that there is something wrong in one’s identity and that there is still hope since I had not become completely blinded by the very same lies that I’ve created to justify the facade that I used to live when I was young.

I knew that feminine figure was me but, somehow, I wanted to make sure it was really me. This means that I still didn’t had access to my true self, to my personality. That I didn’t fully knew who I was or wasn’t sure that what I thought to be me was really me. The lies that kept my true self hidden meant that I was curious.. yet afraid to be right.

My hands could be used to remove the hair in front of my eyes. It means that, deep down, I really wanted to take steps and find out if that figure was my true self. But there was more hair underneath the hair.. and that caused frustration. It means, after all, the web of lies and illusions were unable to be removed on my own. And that, on my own, even if I tried to remove the lies and understand myself more and more through the illusions that I’ve created, there would always be more lies and illusions underneath. This can only mean that, though there is a necessity to dispel to find oneself, I would still always be fearful and create more illusions and lies to keep my true identity concealed. It means that I was being an hypocrite and working against my own interests with the dishonesty I was continuously creating.

The feelings that it brought, of frustration and helplessness, is the embodiment of high Neuroticism. The dream becomes dark, teeth grinding. The darkness means the end, a conclusion. It also means to conceal, to forget. To interrupt, in this situation. It means something is interrupting my progress, to find my true self. And as I always woke up right afterwards.. it means that reality, my own daily life. That is what was stopping me from finding myself. Life itself didn’t allowed me to be who I am. The frustration is carried through reality and I’m left wondering who that figure really was.

The ironic part is not that the dream forced me to wake up. Deep down, I wanted to wake up because I couldn’t handle the frustration that the dream always brought to the surface.

 

As I grew older, the figure, too, aged at the same rate as myself in reality. And so the frustration and weariness grew alongside it. Because I was starting to become too self conscious and aware of this dream’s existence. Together with the disforia in it by itself. Though it wasn’t a dream that made me realize of my condition, it was still one of the many warning symptoms of keeping myself hidden from the public eye and keep the facade for so long until adulthood.

The dream only ceased to reappear when I decided to “come out of the closet”. Which only shows that the dream represented my denial, of who I am in my essence. It represented the emotions and the facade I had built to keep myself hidden for so long from my conscious reality and from those that I used to deal with daily. My subconscious was filled with the thoughts and emotions that I didn’t want to think or feel. And my subconscious brought that dream over and over because it was loaded with such negative feedback.

Once I’ve opened my mouth and did my own research.. my subconscious was free and became healthier with time. It no longer needed to process those specific emotions and thoughts, finally having time for other issues that also need attention.

 

 

This is why I believe that some dreams can be useful. But it is up to us to figure out if a dream is a warning sign of our own subconscious.. or just another foolish segment of nothing but gibberish nonsense.

Thank you for reading and I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this blog post! Sweet dreams~

Pages:

“Diversity” is our Strength

(“Good” featured image)

 

Good afternoon boys and girls!

Today we’re getting political and quite critical. Or, as some people would call it, politically incorrect. Fortunately, those words lost all their meaning so, therefore, I feel no guilt in sharing my thoughts on a rather heated topic! “Diversity”.

 

“Diversity is our Strength”, we have heard several times. During our childhood, most of us saw an image that, in concept, is alike the one I’ve drawn as a a featured image! The world, surrounded by people of all cultures and ethnicity. Holding hands, expressing our humanity, our unity and hope for world peace.

I, myself, am used to such images and concepts. These were everywhere when I was young, specially when I was in first grade and all the way to the fourth grade. Though, personally, I see no wrong with such concept and image; I rather prefer the image of a more developed fetus within a mother’s womb surrounded by the stars of the galaxy to represent the human condition. In fact, that’s what I had drawn back in third grade when they asked all the children in my school to draw something that represented our humanity. That got me a bronze medal for my creativity back then… but enough about silly ol’me!

 

But what is “Diversity”? We see it today, people demanding a more diverse environment. Shouting, weeping, becoming emotionally unstable when current politics don’t align with their own view of the world. Spouting labels such as “racist” and “bigoted”, because a politician dared to suggest that maybe there should be more control over a country’s borders. The talk about globalization, millions of people who are pro-immigration and would be shocked if someone else isn’t keen on having fully open borders. In the name of inclusion, justice.

This is when opinions vary. But it is clear that, for some, diversity means having people of all cultures and backgrounds come together and live in peace. To be honest, that does sound great on a very superficial level. Who wouldn’t want world peace?

But.. there’s an issue with such mindset. And the issue lies within the word “Diversity” itself. Again we ask, what is “diversity?”

 

As mentioned earlier, people have grown to get used to and aspire for imagery and the symbolic meaning behind the drawing I’ve made for the featured image of today’s post. But there is something I haven’t done on that picture that I’ve drawn: They lack skin color. I’ve done so on purpose though, for some, the meaning behind diversity is having people with different skin colors. For others it is having people of several religious faiths holding hands. And there are others that see diversity in having people of “all genders” (we’ve been through this but, for the sake of keeping on topic, here’s my view on Non-Binary, for those interested), with all types of body shapes and fashion styles.

So, again, I ask. What is “Diversity”? Though everyone seems to have an answer to that nowadays, I will give my outright opinion and say that I disagree with most people’s view on what that word even means and criticize those who believe that “Diversity” means having a cereal bowl filled with colorful pieces of mere grain and sugar.

 

What exactly is “Diverse” in having people of all skin colors in the same room? Besides the superficial and outlook visual appearance being, admittedly, diverse, is it really.. “Diverse”? To assume that people with different skin colors than our own are.. different, with unrelated life experiences than our own that could never be understood by anyone of a different ethnicity; isn’t it a gross exaggeration and a way to stereotype people based on the color of their skin? To assume that someone with a different skin color could never relate to someone that doesn’t share their own skin color.. isn’t this bigotry in itself? To categorize people based on their appearance and to conclude that, in order to have a rich and diverse environment, you would need different skin colors in the same room; isn’t this racism?

Of course, some would say that this isn’t racism and being colorblind is racism. Again, we can conclude that words have lost all their meaning and that their meanings have changed depending on someone’s ideology. But, for some, having a room with people with black skin, brown skin, white skin and with Asian ethnicity equally represented is, by itself, the true answer to a fulfilling rich and diverse culture.. and that gives strength.

I strongly disagree, since I’m colorblind and I don’t believe a color gives you unique abilities, intelligence or personality. We live in the real world, not in a fictitious Rainbow Brite/Power Ranger parallel universe.

 

How exactly does having all religions gathered in the same room gives society strength? Besides some of them wanting to kill each others because they believe they should be the only true religion in this world; how exactly can you have all religions in the same room and expect one to be shielded from criticism while the others are worthy of scrutiny? How is it fair and non-hypocritical that one seeks diversity in religion yet the very same religions that are protected as “minorities” seek to criminalize those who think differently than they do? In short, how is defending individuals that seek to eliminate the very same “Diversity” you seek.. “Diverse”?

Of course, some would say that criticizing a religion is fine as long it is not a very specific one of their liking. But if you criticize one or two religions who are deemed as “minority” is, in fact, bigotry against the people that follow that religion.

I strongly disagree, since we are talking about ideology. Every ideology deserves criticism and every ideology is different from one another. Some ideas deserve more attention and more scrutiny, because of the things they do in the name of what they follow. To believe that certain religions should be shielded from such is incredibly patronizing and against an equal society. In short, it’s unfair and illogical, it does not bring the “Diversity” you seek.. but more hatred.

 

How exactly is a room filled the same amount of men and women.. equal? Besides mathematics being on point with that sort of mentality, how is one’s genitals and gender identity synonymous of a diverse and a contribution to a diverse environment? How is it fair to say what a man and a woman can do and shouldn’t go? How is that not stereotyping people while claiming that society is the one that manufactured gender itself (despise biology pointing otherwise)? One should be consistent with their views if one wishes to redefine the very core of humanity.

Of course, some would say that I’m sexist and transphobic for not caring for one’s genitals or gender identity. Unfortunately for them, I’m a woman. A transsexual woman. So that would mean that I hate myself, that I’ve internalized some type of bigotry. I’m sorry, I’m not that easily manipulated by schizophrenic sociopaths drunken by their own ideology. I’m a cult survivor, I got my vaccine against those. Though I guess you could blame me for being bigoted against Non-Binary, since I am still waiting for the evidence that such exists (how can you be bigoted against something that doesn’t exist?).

However, again, I strongly disagree. Gender stereotypes are the worst and I’ve felt the pressure of some individuals trying to impose me either male or female tropes down my throat, since I pass as a biological female in society and I was born biologically male. Not everyone is a stereotypical female or male. Tomboys and feminine men exist after all and that shows than men and women are capable of relating with each others in many ways. Being a man or a woman (or an attack helicopter) doesn’t make you unique and diverse. It makes you superficial and dull, that lacks personality. If anything, statistical equality and collectivism is oppressive towards individuals with potential and incredibly patronizing for the “minorities” in the room that are told that they can’t achieve greatness because the room is bigoted towards them.

 

 

Once again we ask, what is “Diversity”? Close your eyes and imagine the following: (wait, don’t actually close your eyes.. else you won’t be able to read!)

You are in a room. In this room, there is a White Atheist Man, a Black Muslim Woman, a Latino Christian Transsexual Male and an Eastern Asian Buddhist Non-Binary Woman. They are happy with the “Diversity” in their room, equally represented by the tokenism present by mere four individuals.

Ignoring the strong possibility of the Atheist criticizing the Muslim for pointing that her faith would never allow the Non-Binary Woman to be in that room with them.. Or the Christian pointing out the flaws of Islam and the Atheist calling the Christian an hypocrite while the Buddhist claims that both the Christian and the Atheist are Islamophobic.. Or the Black Woman and Non-Binary Woman criticizing the White Man for being there (while the Transsexual Man strangely remains silent since he doesn’t want to get involved in this argument)..

Yes, ignoring that all of those things could happen, they somehow manage to stay sane and alive in the same room; in peace.

 

But peace breaks the moment a chair breaks. The four look at each other, wondering who will fix it.

The Black Muslim Woman shrugs lightly and says that she won’t do it, because asking her to do so would be considered racist, because of slavery.

The Latino Christian Transsexual Male looks at the Eastern Asian Buddhist Non-Binary Woman, as if questioning if she’s the one that’s going to fix the chair and break the gender roles imposed by society that women are incapable of such tasks. But she shrugs, because she isn’t a carpenter.

Both men look at each other. It seems it is up to either one. The Eastern Asian Buddhist Non-Binary Woman comes in defense of the Latino Christian Transsexual Male and informs everyone that the Transsexual is, in fact, oppressed and to stop oppressing him with such tasks and gender roles. The Transsexual Male strangely, again, remains quiet.. since he’s lazy and thanks his god (in secrecy) that someone just got him away from such a dull task.

 

The White Atheist Man seems to be the center of attention. He is a White “Cisgendered” Male. An Atheist, opressor of the religious present in that room. This is an opportunity for him to prove that he’s not bigoted, that he doesn’t want to enslave the Black Woman. That he doesn’t discriminate against the Non-Binary and Transsexual. That he respects all faiths.

He walks towards the chair, to try his luck. Unfortunately, he doesn’t do a good job and the chair remains even more broken. The White Atheist Man apologizes and asks if he can invite his friend to come over and fix the chair for free. The four are unable (or unwilling) to fix the chair.. there needs to be one more person on that room.

The Eastern Asian Buddhist Non-Binary Woman asks the White Atheist Man what race, religion and gender is his friend. He says that it is another White Atheist Man. The other three disagree and ask if he has someone that is a Woman or Non-Binary at least. Or at least someone that isn’t White. The White Atheist Man shakes his head, he’s not an individual with many friends after all.

 

Where is the “Diversity”? Who will fix that chair, despise the four being, superficially, different from each others?

It seems they are not that “Diverse” after all. Despise their skin color, gender and religion.. none of them is prolific enough to fix a chair. And since they cannot allow another White Atheist Man to walk inside the room in order to keep the balance.. the chair remains broken, ugly and useless.

 

 

Is this the Diversity you seek? Let’s imagine something different.

Imagine the same room, the same broken chair. But, in this room, there is a Scientist, an Athlete, a Carpenter and an Artist. They talk among themselves and it is obvious that the Carpenter is going to be the one fixing this chair. Carpenter does so, with the aid of the strong Athlete. The Artist remains close, giving advises on how to make the chair look more appeasing to the eye. The Scientist remains afar, perhaps planning on what to do with that chair once it is fixed.

The Carpenter fixed the chair, the Athlete was the helper. Not only did they fix that chair, but they made it prettier thanks to the suggestions given by the Artist. The Scientist, on the other hand, thought it would be a good idea to use that chair themselves in order to sit on their desk and write an hypothesis about one of their new theories.

.. It seems these individuals worked better together. Their skills and traits were diverse and, not only did they work together, but they also made more than just fixing a chair.

 

This is Diversity that gives strength. If we had four Carpenters, the chair would be fixed and nothing more. If we had four Athletes or four Artists or four Scientists, the chair wouldn’t be fixed. But these four, together? The chair was fixed and even more!

And you may ask yourself if it is possible that these four individuals also could had different skin colors.. or gender.. or religion.. from each others. Oh, it is! Completely! But, as you can see, those aspects did not matter at the end. What you are after.. is not Diversity. But a false sense of… “Diversity”.

 

 

 

Thank you for reading this blog post. I’ve enjoyed writing this one!

I’ll see you next time, dear reader~

Pages:

The blur of Reality & Online

(Basic featured image is basic)

 

Good afternoon!

It has been a while since I’ve wrote on this blog. I know I know..

Either way, here we are. Another post, one that will sound more like a short incoherent ramble about the future of my online pseudonym!

First, I would like to quote a former post I’ve made on this blog.

“I should know better by now, as someone of my own age, to not behave this carelessly online on my public accounts. I should had kept myself to drawing and sharing stories. Again, that was the original idea when I created the pseudonym “SapphyDe90”. To focus on art, to be genuine yet kind. I guess the “art” and “kindness” got lost somewhere, leaving only the brutal honesty to the public. Unfiltered.. for most part. Lax. Perhaps naive, which is something that goes against what I am in reality.. though it is true that I can act quite childish. Personally, I don’t mind being childish on some aspects, as long I’m mature where it actually matters.”

“More and more I’ve thought to myself what to do with this pseudonym. I’ve been less motivated to draw as time passes by. Yet I’ve been felling the pressure to express my creativity somehow. It pains me that, at the age of 26 (nearly 27), I’m here thinking about what I want to do when “I grow up”. In this case, what type of artist I want to be. Again. I thought I had that set on stone, I was doing well with my art style. My stories and universes were, in my humble biased opinion, well developed and it’s a shame I never shared not even a single one to a wider audience, in a more complete sense! But, alas, people know that I’m changing. It’s a long process, that I’m quite enjoying the results that have been surprising me. But this is not the post to talk about my transition..”

Ignoring the rambling about art, given that it is something that will take some time and patience from my part to do so.. (my daily life does not allow me to fully dedicate myself to do some soul searching and find myself again as an artist) it is clear that, ever since I’ve started my transition, my online presence has changed drastically. And, to be honest, so has my real presence in the real world.. obviously.

 

Some of you are aware of my blue haired cartoon character, an alter ego which goal was to serve as an online persona and a way to humanize my own personality that was locked away in my subconscious. The idea of a blue (actually cyan) haired girl sporting a mix of magenta, yellow and black came in 2013.

 

First appearance – August 2013

First came the face, has I still lacked a art style of my own.

The blue hair came with the idea that, as basic and obvious as it may seem, my name is associated with a gemstone that is typically related with the color blue (even though this gem exists in other colors). However, I gave it a lighter shade, a pure cyan because, at the time, I was finishing a Graphic Design course and I thought it would be funny if I went ahead and used Cyan, Magenta, Yellow and Black! For me, it represents the ability to adapt to most social circumstances and events while, at the same time, not losing focus of my individuality. As Sapphire.

The rose tinted glasses, though normally associated with blinded nostalgia, it represents several things for me. First, it simbolizes a one sided vision of the world. Stubbornness, in short. An individual with strong convictions and morals. The rose tinted color represents tradition, since it is connected with nostalgia. Though I am nostalgic about a few things, it means that I hold a more old fashioned view of how things should be. It’s classic. Though, if one looks closer, the eyes behind the glasses are blue. Again, it represents an independent view. In short, I don’t like to impose my own values onto others and I enjoy my right to be an old fashioned individual… the same way that I feel others should be free to follow their own values.. as long they don’t impose those onto me.

 

Another August 2013 drawing

The hairpin, though I rarely included those on my drawings, it represents my geek side. It doesn’t serve any purpose for the hairstyle, nor does it mold it drastically but it means that I’m fine with that aspect of mine.

The wardrobe itself, the clothing.. there was never a special meaning behind it. It was style, ways to represent the other colors mentioned earlier. And often have I changed the clothing, depending on the season.

With Cyan, Magenta, Yellow and Black, I could give my alter ego any color I wanted. Which is why, at times (Halloween, for example), my alter ego would be drawn with other shades, other colors.

 

Halloween 2015

The shape of the eyes and the eye-shadow are also peculiar, different from all the characters I have drawn thus far. For one, my alter ego lacks eyebrows. At first, this was a mistake that I’ve realized much later. But I came to like it this way! For me, it symbolizes a faint hint of pride in one self. Though extremely self conscious and a perfectionist, I am still able to maintain a certain level of confidence in my views.

Instead of having eyebrows, the eyeliner extends far above and reaching the brow bone. It is a way to fix a mistake, the lack of eyebrows. Again, it underlines my flaw (or virtue, depending of one’s perspective) of being a perfectionist that tries to correct everything wrong in herself. Certain vanity.

The shape of the eyes and thick eyeliner represents a superficial judgement. It’s bold, a judgmental stare. It means that, despise everything said earlier, I still judge others heavily on their actions, words or lack of those. Though I do not impose my judgement, I still judge others inwardly. This is obviously a gross exaggeration of that aspect of mine.

 

Halloween 2016

Of course, all of this work around a cartoon character, an alter ego, served a purpose in the past. This purpose however, no longer applies.

Things have changed quite a lot since I’ve started my transition. Being online, having an cartoon avatar like this allowed me to keep in mind who I am, to maintain my personality alive and burning in the digital world while, in reality.. I would still had to wait for that to happen. A gross exaggeration of my virtues and flaws was brought to life thanks to a short tempered blue haired hippy looking cartoon character.

The character was never something I aspired to be given that she was, in essence, me. I used to love this character, even though I do admit that her appearance wasn’t friendly for the wider audience to relate to!

 

Given the changes in my life, it is time to say goodbye to this alter ego. Because, with my transition, I no longer need a mask to hide behind.

 

 

And so we move to the future. Given my transition and the fact that my personality is no longer hidden in riddles and chains, it is no mystery to others who I am.

Though I am difficult to be understood.. according to some of the people in my life, complicated. I feel that the line that separates reality and the online presence I used to keep it hidden more from those I deal with in reality, that line is starting to blur. People are becoming aware of the type of person that I am, the things that I like and my own thoughts. I no longer keep it hidden, though I tend to filter those more in reality out of kindness and overall passivity.

Truth is, there’s no point in hiding what I am in reality from the digital (online) realm.. the same way there’s no point in hiding what I am in the digital (online) realm from the people in the real world. Which is why I’ve created an Instagram account and even uploaded a photo of me as a profile picture across all sorts of social medias!

 

I am what I am. I am SapphyDe90, Sapphy, Sapphire, Safira. I have no real shame in what I do, believe and say. I am free~

And yes, I’ve lost a few “friends” on the way. Either because I, myself, walked away from such toxic relationships or they, themselves, walked away from me. Though it is a shame that some of those, who claimed to support me, faded away the moment I exposed my true colors. Nothing of value was lost, it’s all I have to say.. but I would be lying if I said I didn’t hold some resentment over a few of those people. I mean, here I am sharing my happiness and freedom.. and they just walk away after saying that they would support me. If anything, you should feel happy that I’m happy and I’m sharing you the happiness that you wished for me to have!

Perhaps there are a few people that believe that I’m bragging about my own achievements, or that go as far to say that I’ve become a narcissist behind my back. Shows how much you people grasp this situation I’m in and how low your faith is in me. Do me a favor and get lost if that’s your opinion.

Again, it’s no secret that I’m in some sort of pseudo adolescence. Except, you know, this is the right adolescence that I should of had back when I was an actual teenager. You know how teenagers are, experimenting and discovering their developing bodies and emotions. It’s healthy.. and that is what’s been going on in my life in these last few months. The fact that this vanity and self-absorption of mine, in recent months, has turned away a few people or has made them feel insecure and self-conscious about their own appearance and feelings is, at best, amusing! At worst, pathetic and sad. Because how low do you have to be to feel those things over someone with a disorder? Petty, ignorant.. there are no words to describe people who were lucky in life and still, somehow, manage to envy those who, just now, are able to live a normal life. You had your whole life filled with happiness, the teenage youthful bodies that you could relate. At the age of 27, here comes silly me finally having the body and mind that I deserve, much later in life compared to everyone else and still.. people feel the need to moan about it. No seriously.. get lost, don’t ever talk to me, just go away and don’t look back, unfriend me on your social medias, do whatever you want but can you just disappear from my life?

On the other hand, I’ve gained other friendships.. that feel truer. So no, I’m not the one losing here. I lose more keeping the reluctant in my life and/or friends’ list because, when I browse my friends’ list or social media feeds, their faces and names are there and it forces me to remind of their existence.. and that’s what creates resentment. Someday, I might be the one doing the cleanup if they don’t do it themselves with dignity. When my paciente starts to run dry and surpasses my natural submissive and passive outlook, of course!

 

 

So, what does the future hold for my online pseudonym, SapphyDe90? Simple, it holds everything that I am, what I want to do, what I want to say. It is no longer about just art, about my thoughts, about games, about politics, about anything in specific.

Thank you for reading this blog post and I hope you have a nice weekend!

Pages:

[English and Portuguese] Transitioning – Fifth Month Update

 

(Para quem não sabe ler Inglês, a versão em Português encontra-se no final)

  • 1st Month/ 1º Mês – Link
  • 2nd Month/ 2º Mês – Link
  • 3rd Month/ 3º Mês – Link
  • 4th Month/ 4º Mês – Link

 

ENGLISH

 

Hello. It’s time for another update. This one is quite important, as a few are aware of the appointment that I’ve been pointing out for a while. The 11th May.

This post.. is going to be quite different. I will not create any category. There’s no need for such this time..

 

I took my 147th Anti-Androgen on the 10th of May, Wednesday.

Wait, you may say. Wasn’t it supposed to be more 30 Anti-Androgen since last time, making it 150th on the 13th of May? There’s three missing, what happened? Unfortunately, I do have some bad news.

I’m writing this on the 11th May, on the evening. Though I’m sure that I’ll only publish this much.. much later. I’ll be out during the weekend (13th-14th), meeting new people, hopefully making new friends. I know I have been ranting about LGBT communities and other modern political aspects, being politically incorrect in my own way, preachy and bitchy about it. I’m temporary in a state of adolescence (emotionally speaking), people should already be aware of that! But, this weekend (13th-14th), I’ll be with people who, like me, suffer from the same specific issue. I’ve never been with them but.. I do feel they are different from the other groups I’ve tried and didn’t enjoy that much. I can’t generalize people, I know better than that.

 

 

Anyway, enough stalling and more direct to the point.

I’ve had the appointment. But, like I’ve hinted, there were bad news. The blood test results… weren’t good. The liver, in this case. The values have changed drastically, which has lead to the decision of.. having to stop taking any medication for the next six weeks. To find out if it’s my liver reacting badly to this medication in specific or, if there are bigger issues that need to be solved. There are Anti-Androgens that are far more friendlier to the liver. However, the liver needs to be fine in order to introduce Estrogen into my body.

In the meantime, during the next six weeks starting on the 11th of May, I won’t be taking anything. Which means that, during these weeks, there are.. aspects that will slowly degenerate back to before my transition. Of course, six weeks isn’t enough to bring me back to a state on which I was on December (Dear lord!). However, there will be a few things that will..  subtly be reverted. Hopefully, it won’t even be noticed. I hope.. Still, it won’t be anything that I won’t recover again.

 

Sadly, this does play quite a lot on my worst fears. Because thus far, life has given me obstacles to heal myself from this condition.

Life has given me a religion, that indoctrinated me, that made life difficult to fully understand and accept. But that obstacle didn’t stop me, as much grief as it caused for myself and others.

Life as given me the nationality, of a country that is economically broken, sharing the coin of the rich but having no pockets to keep it for too long and making the average citizen pay for it with their hard work and low salary. Fortunately, life as given me a good family and some form of income, despise the time it steals from my life. But it’s a painful obstacle that hasn’t stopped me thus far.

There are worst lives out there, I’m sure. However.. there would be nothing more devastating to me than, after the obstacles that I have crossed, that have stolen time, money and tears from me; the people that I had to abandon and those who have abandoned me, the roller coaster of emotions I have rode to get where I am.. Having the taste of freedom, of slowly healing myself from my dysphoria.. only to have life take it away from me because of an health issue.. that would be one of the cruelest things mother nature could do to me and.. I doubt I could live with that idea. I’m sorry..

Such thought, that it could happen, it makes me feel fragile. I’m not exaggerating when I say that, when I’m having such thoughts and what if’s, I do feel a knot on my throat.. the anxiety too much to handle and the pain can only go away with the tears that, fortunately, have become easier to roll. It would be sad if I lost that gift, among others.

 

I.. don’t want to go back. This was the best decision I’ve made in my entire life. I’ve been happier and, as said earlier, free. Free to be who I am. With evolving body tributes that were always rightfully mine since I could remember. In a way, though not completely faithful and perfect to what I envisioned when I was younger, I currently feel more beautiful than ever. No longer do I envy other women. Confident. Though I guess, at the moment, paranoia has settled given the news and the fact that it has been more than a week since I’ve stopped my medication..

 

 

Ignoring the bad news, this last month was great for me. As I’ve mentioned on the previous update, I still had to dress up as a woman everyday. Well, I’m doing so now for more than three weeks… and I feel great! Yes, people do gaze at me but I’ve learned that, when random people address me, they all treat me with “Miss/Girl”. Which is quite an achievement, considering that I’m tall and 27 years old.. still being treated as a young girl and not as “Ma’am/Lady”. In short, when people look at me, they do so because I’m tall.. among a few good features that I possess. I know this because there have been a few.. envious gazes towards me from other women. I know, I was in their position once. But now, it feels good to be on this side and to notice these things because it does make me believe that I don’t only “pass” but I’m “passing with flying colors”!

And yes, I’ve been experiencing some of that fabled “female social privilege”.. as also “annoyances”. But it’s fine, I’m just glad that I’m experiencing both the good and the bad. As in, people have been extremely nice towards me (mostly men) and there as also been some.. catcalling? Should I call it that? I still have no idea if a few men staring at me and smiling, as if asking me to smile back.. is catcalling. I have.. no idea. And I think one man, at one time, was trying to sing to me while we were on a train? I don’t know.. I couldn’t understand what he was saying, but he was extremely happy and looking at me while talking/singing from afar.

 

But I think the biggest random-encounter-with-strangers highlight this month was when I took the subway, it was quite filled with people and I had to stay next to a couple that were doing their PDA quite fervorously. The woman was the one that noticed me and she immediately stopped with her PDA just to stare at me, turning her body to fully face mine. I looked at her, to understand what was going on. She smirked, as if she was dismissing me in some way, then got back to her PDA with her boyfriend, whispering him in the ear. For a second, I thought something was wrong with my appearance.. which is a normal thing to still be a bit paranoid about now and then when someone starts staring at you for too long or starts acting strangely specifically towards you. But, during her PDA, she kept staring at me when she could and her boyfriend tried to look at me.. but she pulled his gaze away from me. And then I understood what was going on, and I shrugged inwardly, rolling my eyes subtly. She was insecure about her relationship with her boyfriend… HA!

I can’t lie. I do feel that I’m becoming extremely vain and I can’t help but flaunt my appearance. Yes, it’s shallow, I realize that. But I’m sure that this attitude of mine as of late is quite understandable, considering all the factors. I didn’t had the right teenage life where I could feel proud of my youthful body and appearance. Finally, at this age, I get to have the body and appearance that I deserve.. you can bet that I’m going to vaunt about it until I’m over this second puberty!

 

… Do you see why, dear reader, why I’m so afraid to lose all after having a taste of freedom from a crippling dysphoria? I can’t go back, I would rather live a short but a life on which I’m free than a hundred years of bitterness towards life and a dysphoria to deal with. I never understood the need for doctors to impose an healthy life (physically speaking) if, the consequence of doing so, is having a long and terrible life.

It begs the question. Would you rather live for only five more years on which you can achieve happiness and all the things you want… or would you rather live in a lonely cell, in jail for the rest of your life as long you are healthy? I know the answer, it’s a rather easy one. I do not care if I don’t get to live long, as long I can die happy. That is my current view, after experiencing the things I have in the last few months. I didn’t always think that way, mind you!

 

 

In short, I will never give up. This is yet another temporary setback in my life because; if there is karma, god, the devil or whatever, they decided my life was too easy and I needed yet another barrier because why not? If reincarnation is a thing, I must had been a terrible person in an earlier life. Or an extremely bored spirit that wanted the most bizarre new life they could think of.. for the “shits n’ giggles”.

Anyway.. I’m probably being a drama queen and my liver will be fine and it’s all a side effect from this specific Anti-Androgen. This specific medication, after all, has been banned in the United States. Why Europe still uses it is beyond me.. given that it can have a negative impact on some people. Not denying the good results, obviously.. but seriously, there are safer alternatives, why would any doctor find it appropriate to use the one that can cause 9%-20% chance of Hepatotoxicity (depending on the dose and the amount of time used)? Meh..

 

If there’s a message I want to pass to anyone that suffers from Gender Dysphoria is the following, based on my experience thus far:

No one said that it was going to be easy. No one said that all you needed to do to get rid of the cancer was to go to the doctor and take the medicine. Life is cruel and, for most people, it will impose on you events, people and other factors that will try to stop you from your path that leads to your happiness. As cheesy as it sounds, it is your willpower alone that will get you far. You need to be intelligent, patient and kind. Lose your temper and hope.. and you’ll never achieve the happiness you seek.

You need to be serious, don’t be a spoiled first world country brat that believes the world owns them anything. The world owns you nothing, you need to play by the rules. When life gives you lemons.. make lemonade, another cheesy saying but quite true in this case!

Be sensible, care for the emotions of even those that oppose you at first. Again, don’t expect anyone to understand you. Even those that, one day, say that they support you.. they will curse your very existence behind your back. Seek those that love you, that care for you and treat you like a normal human being, that want to include you in society with other people.. and not like a mystical unicorn that needs to be in a zoo with their own kind and only petted and fed once in a while (with the faint promise that they can take a picture with you and trick society, themselves and their friends that they are a very charitable humble soul.. to elevate their own egocentric and empty personality with a pretentious social status). Say no to segregation, to collectivism.. be an individual that is more than a mere cancer victim who didn’t had a childhood.

You are special and unique. Not because you have cancer, but because you are larger than life. Your personality is beautiful and people will naturally be drawn to you. Like all the others that have suffered in life, for whatever reason, you too.. can come on top graciously, with a smile on your face. Above the petty squabble from the masses who, for some reason, their biggest fears seem so small compared to the bigger issues that we (and others who suffer from much worse conditions than ours) have faced in life. They are shallow, pathetic, common, parasites.. we are not. Some will envy that, be prepared.

And, at the end, when you can finally say that you have beaten cancer.. be proud of yourself. Not because you had cancer or still has.. but because you are healing yourself from it, with your own strength and the aid of those that genuinely loved you enough and remained at your side during the whole process. They, too, are people that stand above the rabble and deserve all the love and care that you can offer. Don’t ever lose sight of them, not many of those exist in life.

Take care of yourself, be patient and kind to those around you, heal yourself with the aid of actual professionals.. be happy and a source of inspiration for those that look at you.

Beauty is pain. And those who have never suffered it, avoid it or cause unnecessary pain onto others.. are ugly.

 

 

As such, I end this post by saying that, until I know what’s happening with my liver and what the doctor has in mind, I won’t be creating more updates and I’ll not be counting these next 6-5 weeks as part of my transition. Until then, there will be other posts.. obviously!

Related to what I wrote on the other update, about sharing pictures.. if you read thus far, then I’m happy to announce that I have an Instagram account on which I just started to upload photos an’stuff! I won’t be posting a lot of pictures, since that’s not the type of gal that I am. But, if you look hard enough on this website, you’ll find a link to my Instagram! Yes, I’m filtering away the slackers and those that don’t read the things I post.. it has never been about the quantity, but about the quality of those that do read this insignificant grain of sand on the web. And no, I won’t be breaking the 4th wall anytime soon, this is the only paragraph that I’m doing so.. which is why I kept it last and on this specific post!

 

Thank you for reading this post and I apologize if I’m overreacting, if I’m being paranoid and/or dramatic.. but being neurotic is a defect that comes to the surface now and then.. specially when something unpredictable happens.

Oh.. and I’ve reached the 70-71 KG’s. It’s hard to believe that there was once a time I used to weight 113 KG’s haha..

 

 

 

PORTUGUÊS

 

Boa tarde. Está na altura de mais uma actualização. Esta actualização é bastante importante, devido à consulta que tenho feito alusão já por algum tempo. No dia 11 de Maio.

Este post.. vai ser um pouco diferente. Não irei criar categorias. Não vai ser necessário desta vez..

 

Eu consumi o meu 147º Anti-Androgeno no dia 10 de Maio, Quarta-feira.

Espera, poderão dizer. Não era suposto ter consumido mais 30 Anti-Androgenos desde a última vez, chegando aos 150 no dia 13 de Maio? Faltam três, o que aconteceu? Infelizmente, tenho más noticiais.

Estou a escrever isto no dia 11 de Maio, numa noite. Apesar de ter a certeza que apenas irei publicar este post muito… muito mais tarde. Estarei fora no fim de semana (dia 13 e 14), para conhecer novas pessoas, com a esperança de criar novas amizades. Eu sei que tenho falado muito acerca das comunidades LGBT e outros aspectos políticos da nossa actualidade, sendo politicamente incorrecta dentro da minha normalidade, exaustivamente e mázinha ao fazer tal. Afinal de contas, estou num estado de adolescência temporariamente (emocionalmente), as pessoas já deviam ter consciência disso! Mas, este fim de semana (dia 13 e 14), estarei com pessoas que, como eu, sofrem da mesma condição que eu em específico. Nunca estive com eles mas.. eu acho que eles são diferentes dos outros grupos que tentei e que não gostei muito. Não posso generalizar as pessoas, eu bem sei disso.

 

 

De qualquer forma, chega de postergar e finalmente ser directa ao assunto.

Eu tive a consulta. Mas, como aludi anteriormente, as noticiais foram más. As análises ao sangue.. não estavam boas. O fígado, neste caso. Os valores mudaram drasticamente, o que fez com que a decisão mais informada da médica fosse.. parar de tomar qualquer estilo de medicação durante as próximas seis semanas. Para saber se os valores alteraram-se devido à medicação em si ou se existem problemas mais graves que precisam de ser resolvidos. Existem Anti-Androgenos que são muito mais amigáveis para o fígado. No entanto, o fígado precisa de estar saudável antes de ser introduzido Estrogénio no meu corpo.

Portanto, durante as próximas seis semanas a começar no dia 11 de Maio, eu não irei consumir nenhuma medicação. O que significa que, durante essas semanas, vai existir.. aspectos que vão se degenerar lentamente para um tempo antes da transição. Claro, seis semanas não é suficiente para trazer-me de volta para aquilo que era em Dezembro (Credo!). Mesmo assim, vai existir alguns aspectos que vão.. subtilmente se reverter. Esperançosamente, pode ser que nem se note. Eu espero.. Felizmente, não é nada que não possa ser recuperado de novo.

 

Infelizmente, esta noticia brinca um pouco com os meus piores medos. Porque até agora, a vida tem-me fornecido obstáculos pelo qual se mantiveram à frente do meu objectivo de curar-me desta condição.

A vida me concedeu uma religião, que doutrinou-me, que fez com que a minha vida fosse difícil de entender e de aceitar. Mas esse obstáculo não foi suficiente para impedir-me, apesar do sofrimento que causei a mim mesma e a outros.

A vida me concedeu uma nacionalidade, de um país que está economicamente falido, partilhando a moeda dos que são ricos mas sem um bolso suficientemente largo para manter essa riqueza por muito tempo e fazendo com que os cidadãos da classe média e baixa paguem com o seu trabalho árduo e salário baixo. Felizmente, a vida me concedeu uma boa família e um salário, apesar do tempo que isso rouba da minha vida. Mas é um obstáculo doloroso que ainda não me impediu.

Existem piores vidas, tenho a certeza. Apesar disso.. não poderia existir algo mais devastador para mim do que, depois destes obstáculos que já atravessei; o tempo, dinheiro e lágrimas que esses me roubaram da minha vida; as pessoas que tive de abandonar e aquelas que me abandonaram, a montanha russa de emoções que eu tenho viajado para chegar a este ponto.. saborear a liberdade, da cura para a minha disforia.. apenas para a vida me retirar tudo devido a um problema de saúde.. isso seria uma das maiores crueldades que a natureza poderia fazer a mim e… duvido que conseguiria viver com essa idea. Desculpem..

Tais pensamentos, do que poderá acontecer, faz-me sentir fragilizada. Não estou a exagerar quando digo que, quando tenho esses pensamentos e os “e se’s”, eu sinto um nó no esófago.. a ansiedade demasiada e que apenas se vai embora com as lágrimas que advém logo após que, felizmente, tem se tornado fáceis de se obter. Seria triste perder essa dádiva, entre outras.

 

Eu.. não quero voltar atrás. Esta foi a melhor decisão que tomei na minha vida. Tenho sentido feliz e, como disse antes, livre. Livre de ser quem eu sou. Desenvolvendo atributos físicos que sempre me pertenceram desde que eu me lembro. Até de certa forma, apesar de não ser completamente fiel e perfeita em comparação com a minha visão que tinha quanto era nova, eu sinto actualmente mais bonita do que alguma fez fui outrora. Nunca mais invejei outras mulheres. Confiante. Mas acredito que, de momento, a paranoia está presente em mim devido às noticias e pelo facto de que já passou mais de uma semana desde que deixei de tomar a medicação..

 

 

Ignorando as más noticiais, este último mês tem sido muito bom para mim. Como disse na actualização mensal anterior, eu ainda tinha que vestir-me todos os dias com roupa adequada. Bem.. já estou a fazê-lo por mais de três semanas… e tenho sentido muito bem! Sim, as pessoas olham para mim mas eu descobri que, quando as pessoas da rua tentam se comunicar comigo, todas elas me tratam por “Menina/Jovem”. O que é uma grande conquista, considerando que sou alta e tenho 27 anos de idade.. ainda sendo trata como uma jovem rapariga e não como uma “Senhora/Dona”. Por poucas palavras, as pessoas quando olham para mim, o fazem porque sou alta.. e tenho alguns bons atributos físicos. Eu sei isso porque tem existo alguns.. olhares invejosos de outras mulheres. Eu sei, já tive na posição delas no passado. Mas agora, sabe bem estar neste lado e notar que isto agora acontece porque faz-me acreditar que eu não apenas “passo”, mas “passo e muito bem obrigada”!

E sim, tenho tido algumas experiências daquilo que se chama de “privilégio social de mulher”.. como também “inconveniências”. Mas tudo bem, apenas estou grata de que estou a ter esta experiência para o bem e para o mal. Como por exemplo, as pessoas tem sido mais simpáticas para comigo (mais os homens) e também tem existido alguns casos de.. “catcalling” (para falta de melhor expressão em português)? Será que devo de tratar esses casos por tal? Ainda não tenho bem a certeza se o olhar de alguns dos homens para comigo e a sorrirem, como se estivessem a pedir que sorrisse de volta.. é catcalling. Eu.. não sei. E eu acho que houve um homem, numa altura, que estava a tentar cantar para mim enquanto estávamos num comboio? Eu não sei.. eu não consegui perceber nada daquilo que ele estava a dizer, mas parecia estar bastante feliz e a olhar para mim enquanto falava e cantava com alguma distância de mim.

 

Mas eu acho que o melhor encontro-com-estranhos-em-locais-públicos neste mês foi quando decidi entrar num metro, estando tal cheio de pessoas e eu tive que ficar ao lado de um casal a demonstrar o seu afecto em público muito fervorosamente. A mulher foi aquele que tomou nota de mim e ela imediatamente parou com o seu teatro com o namorado apenas para olhar para mim, o corpo dela frente com o meu. Eu olhei para ela, para perceber do que estava a acontecer. Ela sorriu, com certo desprezo por alguma razão, e depois voltou para o seu romance com o namorado, falando-lhe ao ouvido. Por um momento, pensei que algo estava de errado com a minha aparência.. o que é algo ainda normal de acontecer visto que existe ainda alguma ansiedade de vez em quando quando alguém olha para mim por muito tempo ou começa a agir de forma estranha para comigo. Mas, durante a encenação pública, ela continuava a olhar para mim quando podia e, quando o namorado dela tentava olhar para mim, ela puxava a atenção dele para ela mesma imediatamente para não olhar para mim. E depois percebi o que estava a acontecer, e eu ignorei um pouco o que estava a acontecer, revirando os olhos subtilmente. Ela sentia-se insegura com respeito à relação entre ela e o namorado… HA!

Não posso mentir. Eu sinto que tenho me tornado bastante vaidosa e eu não consigo conter aquela necessidade de expor a minha aparência. Sim, é superficial, tenho consciência disso. Mas eu sei que esta minha atitude de recente é compreensível, considerando todos os factores. Eu não tive a mesma vida de adolescente que as outras mulheres em que poderia sentir algum orgulho pela minha aparência e corpo jovem. Finalmente, com esta idade, eu tenho o corpo e aparência que mereço.. podem ter bem a certeza que eu vou vangloriar-me até que esta segunda puberdade acabe!

 

… Será que agora percebem, caros leitores, do porquê eu ter receio de perder tudo depois de ter adquirido direito à amostra da liberdade para a disforia que me incapacitou? Eu não posso voltar atrás, eu prefiro viver uma vida curta mas uma vida pelo qual sou livre do que cem anos de amargura pela vida e pela disforia que tenho. Eu não percebo esta necessidade dos médicos imporem uma vida saudável (fisicamente falando) se, a consequência de tal, é ter uma vida longe mas terrível e infeliz.

Isso levanta uma questão pertinente. Preferiam viver por apenas mais cinco anos pelo qual consegues alcançar a felicidade e tudo aquilo que sempre quiseram… ou preferiam viver uma vida longa numa prisão, entre quatro paredes para o resto da vossa vida desde que estejam saudáveis? Eu sei a resposta, é muito fácil de responder. Eu não quero saber se acabo por viver menos tempo, desde que morra feliz e sem rancor. Esta é a minha posição actual, depois da minha experiência de vida que tenho tido nestes últimos meses. Eu não costumava pensar dessa forma, mas agora penso!

 

 

Por poucas palavras, eu nunca irei desistir. Isto é mais uma barreira temporária na minha vida porque; se existe karma, o diabo ou sei lá mais o quê, eles decidiram que a minha vida era fácil demais e de que eu precisa ainda mais de uma barreira porque não? Se a reencarnação é algo real, então eu devo ter sido uma pessoa horrível numa vida anterior. Ou um espírito qualquer que estava aborrecido desejou uma vida nova muito bizarra.. só porque “não tinha mais nada que fazer”.

De qualquer forma.. eu provavelmente estou a ser dramática e o meu fígado ficará bem e tudo não será mais do que um efeito secundário deste Anti-Androgeno em específico. Esta medicação em específico, afinal de contas, foi banida nos Estados Unidos. O porquê da Europa ainda utilizar esta medicação é estranho.. visto que pode ter um efeito negativo para algumas pessoas. Não estou a negar os resultados excelentes, obviamente.. mas existem melhores alternativas. Porque é que um médico iria achar apropriado usar um medicamento que pode causar entre 9 %-20% de chance de Hepatotoxicidade (dependendo da dose e do tempo que se tem consumido)? Meh..

 

Se existe alguma mensagem que desejo transmitir para alguém que sofra de Disforia de Género é a seguinte, baseado na minha experiência pessoal até agora:

Ninguém disse que iria ser fácil. Ninguém disse que tudo o que precisavas para livrares do cancro era de ir ao médico e tomar a medicação. A vida é cruel e, para muitas pessoas, irá impor-te eventos, pessoas e outros factores que irão tentar travar-te no caminho para a tua felicidade. Por muito cliché que seja, é a tua força de vontade apenas que te vai ajudar a chegar longe. Necessitas de ser inteligente, paciente e uma pessoa bondosa. Perde o temperamento e esperança.. e nunca chegarás à felicidade que procuras.

Precisas de ser uma pessoa séria, não sejas uma criança do primeiro mundo mimada que acredita que o mundo lhes deve algo. O mundo não te deve nada, tens que obedecer às regras. Quando a vida te fornece limões.. faz limonada, um outro cliché mas que é bastante verdade neste caso!

Sê sensível, preocupa-te com as emoções até mesmo daqueles que vão opor-se a ti. De novo, não esperes que alguém te compreenda. Até mesmo aqueles que, um dia, dizem que te aceitam e querem ajudar.. eles vão-te amaldiçoar-te quando estiverem longe dos teus ouvidos e outros sentidos. Procura aqueles que te amam, que se preocupam contigo e que te tratam como um ser humano normal, que querem incluir-te na sociedade com o resto do mundo.. e que não te tratam como um unicórnio místico que precisa de habitar um zoo juntamente com o resto da manada e que apenas têm direito a festinhas no pelo e comida de vez em quando (com a promessa oca de que eles poderão tirar uma fotografia contigo para enganarem a sociedade, elas mesmas e os seus amigos com a ideia de serem almas humildes e caridosas.. para elevarem o seu próprio ego e falta de personalidade com um estatuto social pretensioso). Diz não à segregação, ao colectivismo.. sê uma pessoa individual que é mais do que apenas uma mera vitima de cancer que não teve direito a uma infância.

Tu és especial e uma pessoa única. Não porque tens cancro, mas porque és impressionante. A tua personalidade é bonita e as pessoas vão sentir atraídas por ti. Como todas as outras pessoas que sofreram nas suas vidas, independentemente da razão, tu também.. podes ser alguém que vai superar as dificuldades no topo, com um sorriso na cara. Acima das disputas insignificantes do povo em geral que, por alguma razão, os maiores medos dessas pessoas são tão mesquinhos em comparação com os maiores problemas que nós (e todas as outras pessoas que também sofrem ainda piores coisas na vida) já enfrentamos na nossa vida. Eles são superficiais, patéticos, básicos, parasitas.. nós não. E muitas pessoas vão sentir inveja devido a isso, prepara-te.

E, no fim, quando tu finalmente conquistares o cancro que te aflige.. sente orgulho de ti mesmo/a. Não porque tiveste cancro ou ainda tens.. mas porque tu estás a curar-te de tal, com as tuas próprias forças e com a ajuda daqueles que te amaram genuinamente e o suficiente para ficarem ao teu lado durante todo o processo, a tua viagem pela vida. Eles, também, são pessoas que estão acima da escumalha e que merecem todo o amor e carinho que possas lhes oferecer. Não percas de vista essas pessoas, não existem muitas dessas ao longo da vida.

Cuida bem de ti, sê paciente e uma pessoa bondosa para todos os que te rodeiam, cura-te com a ajuda dos verdadeiros profissionais.. sê feliz e uma fonte de inspiração para aqueles que olham para ti.

Para ser-se uma pessoa bonita, tem que se sofrer. E todos os que nunca sofreram dor séria, ou evitam ou causam dor desnecessária a outros.. são criaturas feias.

 

 

E assim, eu termino este post por dizer que, até eu saber o que está a acontecer com o meu fígado e o que o médico tem em mente, eu não vou criar mais actualizações e não irei contar estes próximos 6-5 semanas como parte da minha transição. Até lá, haverá outros posts.. claro!

Relacionado com o que escrevi na actualização anterior, acerca da partilha de fotos.. se conseguiram ler até aqui, então fico feliz de informar de que eu já tenho uma conta de Instagram pelo qual irei começar a fazer upload de fotos e coizinhas! Não vou fazer upload de muitas fotos, visto que não sou desse estilo de rapariga. Mas, se procurarem bem neste site, irão conseguir encontrar o link para o meu Instagram! Sim, estou a filtrar os preguiçosos e aqueles que não prestam atenção ao que escrevo e faço.. nunca foi do meu desejo ter números, apenas pessoas de qualidade que lêem este grão de areia no meio da internet. E não, não vou quebrar a 4ª parede assim tão cedo, este é apenas o único parágrafo que estou a fazer isso.. e a razão de ter mantido esta notícia para último neste post muito específico!

 

Obrigada por lerem este post e peço desculpa se estou a ser dramática e/ou  paranóica.. mas ser neurótica é um defeito que vem à superfície deves em quanto.. especialmente quando algo imprevisível acontece.

Ah.. e cheguei aos 70-71 KG’s. É difícil de acreditar que ouve uma altura da minha vida que pesei 113 KG’s haha..

Pages:

A Non (Binary) issue

(Obligatory self pat on the back about the featured image)

 

Good afternoon!

We all knew this was going to happen sooner or later. The day I would post something this specific, about a very special group of individuals! The Non-binary. The people that claim there are more than two genders and call themselves “Trans”. Because labels are fun, specially when you don’t even know what the label means!

Of course, before I start spouting my own opinions as if anybody asked or cared, it’s best to describe a few terms.

A non-binary individual is someone that believes they are neither male or female. They claim to be somewhere in between, or nowhere, or all. They also believe that gender itself is a social construct, which ironically goes strictly against what a transgender/transsexual is and has been proven to be (in short, a belief that goes against scientific evidence itself). Normally, though I agree that it is a wide generalization (#NotAll), most of these individuals tend to be left leaning activists that adhere to the ideas and believes of Third Wave Feminism.

In short, non-binary individuals tend to be obnoxiously political about their own believes and feelings. Their evidence about their own core believes is never rooted on science and reality but, instead, on philosophical attempts to question the very basics of life and identity. Fuzzy logic and overall logic fallacies.

Obviouly, they are able to maintain their positions within the supposed “LGBT communities” given how they enjoy waving around the wrongly misplaced label of being “Trans”. Which, for many of the cisgendered people who don’t know any better, fall for it given that most Transsexuals (rightfully so) tend to lead average lives like most members of society (once they are able to “pass”) and don’t spend their entire lives waving around a flag and shouting on the megaphones about conspiracy theories, like the existence of a “patriarchal society”. Which only leaves the politically driven Non-Binary to lead the “movement” in the name of “the Trans”.

 

Yeah, you can tell that this is an issue that upsets me and other actual Transgender/Transsexual individuals. I’m not the only one that says that Non-Binary people have become an issue and a misrepresentation of what a Transgender and Transsexual is. Though that by itself doesn’t mean that our issues with them are automatically valid, I have yet to be convinced that I’m wrong. I am obviously open for debate on these issues! But I do warn that I am stubborn which, to my understanding, it’s a very neat trait. Oh and trying to appeal to my emotions won’t work, given that the damage provoked by Non-Binary individuals is greater than anything they take issues with.

 

The obvious problems with the Non-Binary movement can easily be solved if they, themselves, stop calling themselves “Trans”.

But what are the problems that the Non-Binary movement provoke to actual Transgender and Transsexual people?

 

 

ONE. MISREPRESENTATION.

The number of actual Transgender/Transsexual individuals in the world is roughly less than 1%. Though the exact number is incredibly hard to determine, given that most Transgender and Transsexual people do decide to lead average lives and not be open about their condition once they are able to “pass”. Or, some of them, have decided not to transition and to hide their true feelings from society.

Unlike those who are Gay, Lesbian and Bisexuals; Transgender and Transsexuals are not a sexual orientation but, in fact, are victims of both biological and psychological anomalies that have been wired in their genetics and misfortunes on themselves or in their mother’s womb on an hormonal level. In short, unlike a sexual orientation, that is natural; no matter if one is Heterossexual, Gay, Lesbian or Bisexual; Transgender and Transsexual people are not a natural occurrence, but an health condition. Which is why Transgender individuals search for medical aid to solve their health conditions (both mentally and physical aid).

To determine if someone is Transgender and qualified for proper treatment, it’s best to be absolutely sure that the person claiming to be Transgender does suffer from Gender Dysphoria. Gender Dysphoria is the only determine factor that separates someone psychotic or delusional from someone that has a mental disorder because they are biologically driven and mentally wired to be someone of the opposite sex. The dysphoria itself, though a mental disorder, it does not mean that the gender identity of the person is false/fake. The dysphoria exists because the gender identity (that is true and has to be proven by the doctors before any hormonal treatment) does not match the person’s biological sex.

When a Transgender person is given permission to start their treatment (if they so desire to transition), the correct label for that individual becomes the label of a “Transsexual”. A Transsexual is the term used to describe a Transgender person that has started their treatment, since it has been proven that the Transgender individual does suffer from Gender Dysphoria, therefore Transsexualism.

It is also important to note that, as everyone knows (hopefully), there are only two sexes and the rare condition called intersex, which is an anomaly that happens when someone has a mixture of both sexes and, unlike what some people say, it’s not a third sex. Gender, though something that, in case of an anomaly, can differ from someone’s biological sex, is still tied up to biological factors. And since there are only two sexes, it means there are only two genders. Male and Female. It is binary, though it is true that not every man is incredibly macho masculine and not every woman is a feminine princess/queen. And that is fine and lovely, but that does make it an entire new gender.

 

This is where the Non-Binary come in and misrepresent the facts about Transgender and Transsexual people.

First, they’ll claim that gender is a social construct which, by that logic, there wouldn’t be any Transgender and Transsexual people since that means that society taught them to behave and think exactly like those that share their biological sex. There wouldn’t be any Tomboys or Feminine boys either, since everyone would be close to a perfect male or female specimen. But that isn’t true. Which is why their whole existence and claim that they are “Trans” is, by itself, an offence to people who actually suffer from Gender Dysphoria and have a Gender Identity that doesn’t match their biological sex!

Second, they’ll claim that not every “Trans” person suffers from Gender Dysphoria. This belief comes from the obvious fact that Non-Binary people don’t actually suffer from Gender Dysphoria and, since they want to be called “Trans” soo badly, for god knows what reason since there’s absolutely no pride in calling yourself one (much like yelling out of your lungs “I have cancer”. Having cancer is nothing to be proud about), they try to shoehorn this belief into the “LGBT communities” and, therefore, society. Which is false, much like someone claiming to have cancer but saying that they don’t have cancerous cells in their body. This claim feels like a slap and an attempt to diminish the issues of those who still struggle with their Gender Dysphoria, which is infuriating at best! Given that they pass the belief that, those who suffer from Gender Dysphoria, are the ones that need to seek psychological aid since “not every Trans suffers from dysphoria” or, in short, a mental disorder. Again, it gives the wrong impression that, those who don’t suffer from the mental disorder, should be leading, aiding and speaking on behalf of those who do suffer from it.

Third, they’ll claim that there are more than two genders; which is something that Transgender and Transsexual people know to be false by heart (or I hope that they do because, more than anyone on this planet, our very existence is evidence of such). This diminishes and blurs the meaning of Gender Identity which is, for many people in this world, already a confusing aspect to grasp. Since Non-Binary people don’t seem to understand the difference between Gender and Personality/Quirks/Taste/Expression/Fashion. Again, if they were actually Transgender and/or Transsexual, they would know the difference by heart. But since they are not, they continue to spread this false belief that goes against reality and what being Transgender and Transsexual actually means. Don’t worry though, most cisgender people don’t know the difference either!

 

 

TWO. POLITICS.

We can all pretend that the Non-Binary movement is “Trans” for the sake of being inclusive and sensitive. Which, again, doesn’t work since, ironically, it excludes and is highly infuriating for actual Transgender and Transsexuals who find themselves not identifying with these so called “Trans”, given how their believes are opposite to anything that has already been proven.

But let us point to the elephant in the room in this movement and call out the fact that almost every non-binary person is, in fact, a Third Wave Feminist. Or, if not, they are inclined to agree and support social justice movements directly or indirectly. Which makes it seem as if their claims and activism is nothing more than a way to revolt “against society”. Which is why they are against what they call “cisnormativity”. Against “the patriarchy” (a conspiracy theory that claims that western society is brain washed to always favor men over women given centuries of indoctrination provoked by powerful bigoted men).

It is no wonder that some Non-Binary people, besides being obnoxiously political, have waved the flags of Anarchy and Communism. Let alone that those are two completely different and almost opposite political views (one is extremely authoritarian, the other is extremely libertarian. There’s no way both can co-exist in the same society. And while at it, liberal does not mean libertarian and right does not mean authoritarian. There are left leaning authoritarians and there can also be right wing libertarians. Politics is not a line, but a mostly two dimensional spectrum).

In short, besides, again, misrepresenting actual Transgender and Transsexual individuals (which most of them don’t even care about politics and, some of them, are even right winged); it feels as if non-binary people have a problem against society and, claiming to be non-binary, is yet another attempt to revolt against society rather than a genuine struggle that they might be suffering. It is rather strange, though not surprising that when most people nowadays, when they think of someone that is Trangender/Transsexual; their idea is that they are people who are politically driven and want to change society, challenging the status quo. That Transgender and Transsexual people are showing society that men can wear skirts too and women can be incredibly manly. Again, it is very frustrating that this is the image that society has of actual Transgender and Transsexual people when they see obnoxious left leaning radicals speak on their behalf with their conspiracy theories and what can be, unfortunately, compared to a teenage/mid-age rebellion/identity crisis. In short, it makes it seem like we are all Cultural Marxists! No thank you, that’s not what actual Transgender and Transsexual people are (of course there might actually exist a very small percentage of those that are, because we are individuals and not a hive mind collective/cult).

 

Transgender and Transsexual people are individuals and, most of them, don’t want anything to do with politics or these recent rebellions. They are people who are trying to solve their dysphoria and difference between their gender identity and biological sex. Not all of them are left leaning. Not all of them are communists or socialists. Not all of them are right leaning. Not all of them are libertarian. Not all of them are authoritarian. We are normal people like everyone else who, unfortunately, we’re tricked by nature.. NOT SOCIETY.

We don’t need to be “liberated” from a “heteronormative and patriarchal society”. We don’t need people to think that our condition is “natural” (it isn’t), as if we were Gay, Lesbian or Bissexual. What we need actually, is people to be educated about our HEALTH CONDITION! Not pitied, patronized by simple minded buffoons that refuse to listen. But helped by professionals, who know what they are doing because they didn’t take a feminist degree but studied and spent days and nights doing something in their lives besides complaining about a “wage gap” and that they didn’t get a job because the “patriarchy” didn’t allow them to work or achieve much with a useless feminist diploma!

 

…I hope people realize that this is how I got myself in a political rabbit hole in the last two years. Not because I like politics. Not because I want to “change the world”, politically speaking. But to be aware and be able to debunk these believes that are shared in the left leaning society, thanks to these “LGBT communities” that have blindly and ignorantly submitted themselves to the ideologies that I’ve came to despise more and more with time. And every time I’ve tried to speak up my mind, I’ve always been patronized and silenced by those with opposing views. As if, in their perspective, my “ignorance” is cute and they are the epitome of morality, knowledge and truth; the instructors that have to teach me, to open my eyes.

Bitch, I’m a cult survivor who came to the top and was still able to wait patiently for five years to be diagnosed, given permission to the appropriate treatments. I have a job because I didn’t surrender to the despair of my dysphoria for all eternity. Because I didn’t took a useless degree in gender studies or glued myself to online blogs and eco chambers. Someone that is more than a Transgender, more than your average basic “normie” pop cultured woman. I draw, I have passions and motivations. Dreams. I’m creative, a storyteller, also a designer. I also once took a three year course in programming that, though I don’t remember much since it was nearly 10 years ago, it only means that I have a certain autonomy in most things related to software and customization of webpages and coding (if I’m feeling inclined and motivated). Someone that, despise all the odds, still is able to have a healthy relationship with her family. Because I wasn’t a self entitled rebel adult teenager who cried “bigoted” and ran away from home, giving up on their own parents and loved ones just because they first reacted violently or negatively. Someone who, despise some of you crying that society is “bad” towards Transgender and Transsexual people, I am slowly being accepted (though quite easily may I add) by my own neighbors. Someone who even had an positive effect on certain people that held conflicting views of the world, people that now root for me in silence and prayer. Not because I held signs, flags and megaphones in the air like a pretentious snob; but because I was discreet, kind and respectful towards even my worst enemies. That’s how you change the hearts and minds of those who, at first, oppose you. Not with laws and screeching. So, who are YOU to patronize or pity me and my ideas? I’m a winner that keeps winning, like every other actual Transgender/Transsexual and people who suffered injustice in their lives who, despise all the odds, came out on top with their heads held high and humble after being victims of misfortune. The fact is that most of you wouldn’t be able to survive if you had the lives that we had because you lack the willpower, patience, intelligence and empathy to keep going gracefully! Side rant over!

I’m aware that this previous paragraph wasn’t humble and was quite self congratulatory. It was a rant, a necessary one in hope that some people will wake up, an insignificant mumble in cyberspace. Being Transgender and Transsexual is not something to be proud, much like having cancer. But beating cancer, however, is something to be proud of. And what I admire is, people who actually suffer from major issues and injustices in their lives, they never look down on anyone. They remain humble, kind and respectful towards others, despise the fact that they succeed at life. And it boggles my mind how there are people who look down on those that, despise all odds, came on top as winners. People who look at those as different and inferior, despise being successful while, funny enough, those judgmental assholes probably never had anything that stopped them from having a successful life but, somehow, they ended up with a mediocre boring life in a corner, never to be remembered by history and forgotten after their grandchildren start having children of their own… if they are even lucky enough to have children of their own!

 

 

THREE. BAD ADVISES.

Let us imagine this scenario:

You are genuinely a Transgender individual. Someone that suffers from Gender Dysphoria. You feel that you are alone in this world and you decide to seek aid from those you’ve learned that they are qualified for such. An “LGBT community”. Of course, you are desperate and you are emotionally vulnerable, so you seek this “community”. You are approached and you express your emotions and predicaments. They seem to receive you well and they are ready to offer their aid.

Now, obviously, the best aid a Transgender person can get is directions on which hospital, clinic or doctor they should seek. To be properly diagnosed and given the necessary care. The “LGBT community” role should be to, not only give the necessary directions on how to get the process started, but to also aid the Transgender-soon-to-be-Transsexual individual to have a normal and satisfying life among the other people in society. Help them with their professional life. Advise them on how to talk to their family members and friends. So on.

To some extend, that’s what a Transgender individual gets in most “LGBT communities”. But, again, life tricked you and gave you a non-binary activist as your life coach. You explain that your family and friends don’t understand you. The activist will say that the “patriarchy” is to blame, screw society. You expose your fears of never being able to “pass”, even with your transition. The activist will say that it’s “cisnormative/heteronormative” and that’s bad, blame society. Maybe you aren’t even sure that you are transgender and you explain how you feel about your gender identity. The activist clasp their hands with a smile and suggest that, maybe, that genuine Transgender is.. perhaps Non-Binary. Or maybe you don’t earn enough money for your process and you fear that you’ll never be able to be yourself. The activist will ponder for a moment and suggest that, maybe, you don’t need to transition at all; that maybe it’s best to self-identify as a “Non-Binary”, because it’s cheaper (I wish that I was joking but I’ve heard tales of this happening several times in the past in certain communities and it wouldn’t be far-fetched to believe that this actually happens).

Since you are emotionally vulnerable, you actually consider the things the activist advised to you. The activist starts seeking you to join them and their friends to some good ol’fashioned political activism. To make you feel that you are part of a community (while, at the same time, giving away your precious time and money that you won’t get back. Time that could had been wasted trying to find a job or, god forbid, seeking actual aid from those “gosh darn bigoted” professionals. Ah well, free labor and donations for the community). Slowly, you look around and you find yourself in an eco chamber. All your friends are part of the “LGBT community”. All your friends have the same political position. All your friends are victims of a “patriarchal society”. You start to hate society as it is and blame it for your condition. Those with opposing views… … Oh and you still suffer quite a lot from Gender Dysphoria, and the only suggestions you’ll get is to dye your hair every color of the rainbow and to wear clothing from both the men and women’s aisles.. because that’s exactly how you help someone with Gender Dysphoria (obvious sarcasm)!

Congratulations, you have been indoctrinated and you are now part of a political social movement. In short, a cult. Because cults aren’t a thing that exist only on the spiritual/religious sense. It’s okay, people fall for tribalism all the time, me included.

 

Seriously, do yourself a favor and seek professional aid if you are an actual Transgender person. From an actual psychologist, even if you have to spend some money. Find out how you can find a clinic or medical team in some hospital that can diagnose you, that can aid you with your transition (if that’s what you end up deciding to do).

If you really need to feel like you are part of a community with people that share the same issue as you, find one that is strictly for people with Gender Dysphoria. Not one that is part of a wide umbrella of alphabet soups, since you are less than likely to find someone like us. These smaller communities that only deal with Gender Dysphoria tend to not be politically driven and they will help you with your treatments and to have a mostly comfortable and normal life in society, together with everyone else. They will not suggest segregation, but for you to be an happy individual among other individuals in this world.

And don’t give up on your family and friends. Even if they reject you, don’t throw selfish tantrums around. There are no bad people, only people who have been badly educated. Don’t act with anger, but with kindness. Be nice, even to those that hate you. Do them favors anyway, try to do the things that they ask of you.. even if you know it won’t work. They don’t know it won’t work, they need to see their own advises failing to make you happy. And once they get to see that their aid is making you even more miserable, they will become human and they will start listening to you. Give them time and they will learn to accept you. And who knows, they may even end up supporting you!

 

 

SUGGESTIONS FOR THE NON-BINARY

I know I know. First I mocked your believes. Then I’ve claimed that you are delusional. Then I said that people shouldn’t listen to you.

Trust me when I say this, I don’t hate you. I’m not even upset about what you believe in or identify as. I will respect your pronouns because I like to make people feel good. I gain nothing from being insensitive towards you.

I even had the pleasure to speak and talk to one Non-Binary person before. Someone that has tried to reach out for me plenty of times, which I’m aware that I’ve been declining every attempt by that person to approach me. Though, to my defense, it’s because this person has only been trying to invite me to activities and gatherings that are “LGBT themed”. Sorry, that’s not my thing, I have tried, not a fan… but next time, if you just want to have some coffee or an average lunch/dinner somewhere (without the need to bring a group/gathering of “Trans” or “LGBT folk” with you), feel free to invite me! I would love that, actually. I’m an introvert, not much into “large gatherings of strangers for parties/events”. But small thought out simple yet warm, calm and cozy hangouts are my favorite! Just don’t arrange anything in nature, in the forests or outdoor parks. It’s spring, I have allergies!

 

The issue I take is that, because of your believes and labels, people can’t distinguish between someone that is Non-Binary and someone that is Transgender/Transsexual. It’s not about exclusion or segregation, it is not because you are not “Transgender/Transsexual” enough. Being Transgender/Transsexual is.. not something to take pride of. It’s an issue, much like cancer or even a genetic disease or mutation. You either have it or you don’t. You need to have Gender Dysphoria in order to be Transgender. A Transgender/Transsexual individual only identifies as either male or female.

I don’t mind that you believe there are more than two genders. I don’t even mind that you believe gender is a social construct. The same way I don’t mind that some religious people believe that I’m a sinner. However, the only solution I came up with thus far to make this fair for both groups is… if you stop calling yourself “Trans”. You’ve already labeled yourselves as “Non-Binary”, you already have your own flag. Use those things if it makes you happy and part of something big.

Just.. for the love of everything nice, please do not use genuine Transgender and Transsexual people as your shield for your believes and political agenda. Do not change the laws that support genuine Transgender/Transsexual people just so you can feel more “included”.

I’m already safe, from whatever damage you may cause to the law from this point forward. But I’m thinking about the future of others who will be influenced by your political movements in the name of the “Trans community”. I’m here to say, as someone who wants to also better understand the Non-Binary dilemmas, that I will not remain this silent for too long about your movement. Once my transition (and life overall) becomes more stable, I will take more visible steps to spread my concerns about the Non-Binary movement and how that is an issue for genuine Transgender and Transsexual people. Do not think that I will remain here in this little and insignificant blog for too long, talking to these digital walls.

 

I’ve grown.. extremely tired of this cultural war, of having the “LGBT communities” and certain dominant feminist figures and groups spreading their conspiracy theories about society and misinformation about actual Transgender/Transsexual individuals. I fear for the future of those that have yet to step forward, because I do feel that I have been lucky, considering how I’ve started my treatment and was diagnosed in the right time in history and political climate in my country. If it were one or two years too late, things could had went much worse for me and the laws would be working against me. If it were before 2010-11, the laws would be working against me as well.

I want things to get better, not worse. And I won’t be unfair for the Non-Binary either. But right now, things are heading in a direction that is unfair for those that suffer from Gender Dysphoria. and there aren’t many people in this country offering fair counterpoints to these “LGBT communities” and political movements that support these opposing believes.

 

 

Anyway, I believe that I’ve shared enough about this issue for now. I’m going to enjoy the rest of the afternoon and evening, it’s holiday here (Worker’s Day).

Tomorrow it’s the 2nd May. It’s going to be my birthday! Going to request a new ID (yay, changing my name and sex legally with the approval and diagnosis from a good number of doctors and professionals), going to work and then.. going to have a pleasant dinner~

Pages:

[English and Portuguese] Transitioning – Fourth Month Update

 

(Para quem não sabe ler Inglês, a versão em Português encontra-se no final)

  • 1st Month/ 1º Mês – Link
  • 2nd Month/ 2º Mês – Link
  • 3rd Month/ 3º Mês – Link

 

ENGLISH

 

Hello everyone! It is time for the fourth monthly update, a different one at that.

I took my 120th Anti-Androgen on the 13th of April, Thursday. I’ve been writing this since Tuesday, since I work during week days and these take a while to write and, specially, to translate! Now, this month will be a little different. The way that I’ll structure this post at least, adding a new section for this and maybe future updates! Which means that this post may get a little lengthy. My advise to the people that really want to read this and lack time? To read while on a public transportation, either on the way to work or on the way home. Anyway.. this month’s update will include, in order: the Physical changes, the Psychological changes, News (related to the process itself, what awaits, what has happened, etc) and Final Thoughts.

 

 

Physical changes:

Probably the aspect on which there has been less changes.

We have always started by keeping the weight in check. To keep traditions, I’ll remind that, last month, I was complaining that my weight was between 77-78 KG’s, and that I was going to try and lower it to the 75 KG’s… allow me to correct that with an update. My weight is now between 72-73 KG’s, and has kept that way for nearly a week now. I.. have no idea how and what part of my body lost that weight but yes! In one month, 5 less KG’s.

It’s still between the healthy average range of a woman, so I’m not preoccupied. However, a lot of people have shown concern over my lost of weight. No need to worry, you’re just thinking within the male average… and that’s not how you’re supposed to think, sillies. You must think within the female range, since that’s the whole point. What do you think hormones do? Really, please consider the point of taking Anti-androgens and, in the near future, Estrogen. Exactly, the fat is not going to the belly, but to my hips (& friends)! And no, I’m not eating less or wrongly. I’ve been eating the same way that I’ve been eating even before my transition, the supposed portions and spread out meals that allow me to keep my weight exactly the same. So no, I’m not starving myself. It’s just muscle loss and fat redistribution.

 

As far as muscle loss and fat redistribution, there have been almost no changes. However, I took the liberty of measuring my body shape again. That is, my shoulders, hips and waist. This time, I asked for aid to measure my shoulders, which will provide more accurate measurements and ratio. So here goes my current-after-four-months-no-estrogen ratio:

  • Compared to my shoulders, my hips are currently around 0.96 (last month was 0.93)
  • Compared to my shoulders, my waist is currently around 0.75 (same as last month… though my waist got slightly even narrower, so either my shoulders somehow shrunk or it was measured correctly this time!)
  • Compared to my hips, my waist is currently around 0.78 (last month was 0.81)

In short, I should no longer need to worry about my body shape!

I was worried, given my shoulder length, that it would ruin the silhouette. Not that my shoulders have a ridiculous length (in fact, they look like regular broad shoulders), but considering my height and compared to the general height of other women that share my nationality (Portugal).. I’m more German approved. What helps is the fact that my waist looks proportionally healthy compared to the shoulders and hips.. and my hips are almost just as wide as my shoulders (again, I’m not yet on estrogen). So, as long I choose the right clothing that flatters this body shape (specifically, making sure that my waist line and hips can be seen) and also making sure that I have the right hairstyle (though I’ve figured that out correctly long before my transition, because I’m that self conscious and a visionary).. I will be more than fine~

 

Besides these aspects, there’s little else to add. I still continue to feel as if my chest and bum are behind the changes. Obviously that is because I’m not yet on Estrogen. Still, even without those changes in the meantime; I can still “pass”, given my body shape and face.. but as long I keep putting some effort into my appearance as well!

In short, not so much has happened physically. Waiting for the Estrogen..

 

 

Psychological changes:

Psychologically speaking, it’s hard to tell if there were any major changes as well. This month has been an emotional roller-coaster overall, given a few events in my life and also frustration and stress that comes with the process itself! It’s great when the changes happen and I do feel quite happy with these. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t obstacles in the way, provoked by outside sources and things that are beyond my control.

For a little more than a week, I felt apathy.. for no apparent reason. I wasn’t feeling much joy and sadness. It felt strange, considering how much more in contact I am with my own feelings and others. It could had been with the change of weather, with Spring. It happens, sometimes my mood can be a little influenced by the change of seasons. It could be because there hasn’t been any major holiday in my country since January, the lack of creative expression, the fact that my friends (and myself) have been busy and, thus, we haven’t been spending that much time together, etc. Perhaps because of the insecurities that still prevail, as my ego still fluctuates easily from being more confident with my own appearance to “oh no, someone’s staring at me. Is something wrong with me?! THEY KNOW!”. Seriously, with the amount of uncommitted people that already compliment my appearance, it’s anyone’s guess why I still panic over someone’s gaze on the streets..

But I’m fine now, that apathy was gone the moment I cried for “no apparent reason”!

 

Another thing that I’ve noticed along the months, is how my cognitive functions have been gradually changing.

Some people are going to roll their eyes when I say this but, as some people know, I like to play (video) games. I’m a geek, deal with it.. normies that don’t even know the difference between a geek and a nerd! And it’s interesting how my treatment has affected my performance in these games.

I’ve noticed that, in games that require the player to act fast and well (ex. First-Person-Shooters), I’m under performing quite a lot compared to before. In fact, these games now frustrate me more than they provide me with some recreation. I stopped enjoying those overall. Again, it makes sense since my instincts have changed. After all, I get scared and panic more easily.. which doesn’t help in situations that require to think fast and well.

Strangely, when it comes to solving puzzles (and this isn’t strict to a single genre, but several genres of games), I’ve also took notice that I’m performing much better in puzzles that require a combination of awareness to several tasks at once, being able to focus and solve several issues at once without leaving anything behind. In short, multi-tasking! I’ve become aware of it the moment I tried to play a game that I haven’t played for a year or two. I was never able to fully complete it, since it could get quite chaotic! Well.. I played it and I solved the puzzles without losing a single time. It felt easy and I somehow felt disappointed because I remember it being much harder. After thinking about what it could possibly meant and if there were other (actual real) scenarios and evidence that proved it, I came to the conclusion that, multi-tasking, no longer produces as much stress as it used to. However, puzzle games that have a time limit have become harder for me since, again, panic overwhelms my ability to solve problems. But, if I have a good night sleep, 2D puzzles have become easier than before.

I’ve also noticed that, if I’m feeling emotional or merely upset over something, I’m no longer able to abstract my mind away from the issues and keep playing. My performance in games is heavily influenced by my mood, which is something that didn’t happen that easily before. If I’m thinking about something that affects me personally on an emotional level, I now have to close the game and forget about playing it since I become completely incapable of enjoying it or do anything right. And nowadays, it’s easier to perceive most things as personal, therefore emotional.

In short, certain tasks have become easier, while other tasks have become harder. This is no surprise to anyone, since I’ve been hinting at that for a while on the other updates. But I thought this would be fun and interesting to share nonetheless! I was just avoiding sharing this until now because I don’t like to talk about my own geeky interests with my normie friends.. and they do read these specific blog posts! Not because I’m ashamed of it but because I feel bad for them~

 

Another change, and this is an important one, has been the fact that.. I’ve been feeling more the need to be in a relationship.

Without dwelling too deeply into my sexuality, since I feel that’s more private than sharing these updates.. yeah, don’t ask me why that’s my line on the sand in privacy, compared to everything I’ve shared. Before this month, it has always been a problem for me, to imagine myself with someone. Because I didn’t felt comfortable with myself and, thus, subconsciously, these thoughts and needs never came to the surface legitimately.

There were only two people in my life that came close to any kind of love and desire to be with. Maybe someday, I’ll have the courage of sharing those two experiences. But, for now, it’s important to note that those two experiences never came close to come true nor did I genuinely loved those two people. I only loved the thought of being in a relationship, though I didn’t felt the need and true desire to be with these two people.

But now, since I’m growing more comfortable on my own skin and appearance (despise the obvious insecurities), I can see why my mind is finally allowing itself to think about having relationship. I don’t think my sexuality changed at all, but it is finally awakening and not just a dormant and distant aspect that I was fully aware of but was incapable of reaching. Which is why I knew I liked men, I just.. didn’t felt that much for men. That is, until now. It’s awakening slowly, and the needs and desires that come with it as well!

However, it’s important to note that I’m only into hetero relationships.. in a rather complete sense. So this means that there are things that I really want to complete in this process before engaging in “very specific and colorful activities”. I don’t think I can make this more obvious without being blunt and I honestly don’t feel like being blunt in a subject like this..

 

 

News:

During this month, I’ve came to the conclusion that, physically speaking, I’m more than ready to carry an ID that reflects the name that I have chosen for myself.

As such, it has become the current short-term goal to make the necessary preparations to change my ID legally. To reflect the name I’ve chosen and for the ID to reflect my actual gender. In fact, it is important that I do so as quickly as possible! My body has changed drastically since December.

It’s true, I still don’t currently present myself as a women every day in public. I’ve been doing it twice a week at least as for now. Because of my insecurities. Because I want to keep saving money. But what’s actually happening right now.. is that I feel more hostility from the general public when I’m dressed as a man rather than a woman. This must be because, even dressed as a man, there are things that I just can’t hide (not that I want to hide these changes but.. I’m sure you get the point). It has become so bad that I’ve got shouted out recently (dressed as a man) by a man on a public bus, called a “faggot”. And I could had sworn I saw two teenage girls, on another day, trying to take photos of me (again, dressed as a man) while we were inside the same train. I’m too.. curvy to be dressed as a man. Only if I were to wear baggy clothing, I would probably be able to blend with the crowd as a man. And that’s not going to happen.. because then I would look like a man trying to hide a frail and anorexic body. Just no. Or maybe I just don’t know how to dress as a man anymore without feeling some repugnance!

But I have to turn a blind eye to my savings and waste a good amount of time (and money…) expanding my wardrobe. Among other things. It’s time to prepare, be rational for once and leave the fears behind. To think that I get more of the wrong type of attention when dressed as a man and, when dressed as a woman, the only thing I get is glances and a few compliments from some people that know me and from a few random uncommitted people that appear out of nowhere.

It is time to dress up as the woman that I am.. every day. I’m almost certain that I’ll be paranoid most of the days, for the first few weeks. But it is something that I want and it has to be done, adding to the fact that I have to do it for my own safety at this point.

 

Speaking of money, I was finally able to talk to a surgeon. A very well known one, since he mostly operates transsexuals. And there aren’t many of those in my country. There’s only one that’s trustworthy, the one I talked to. I was able to learn about the pricing.. and I can’t deny that it’s rather high. High enough to make me ponder seriously on how will I ever get my hands on that type of money! Obviously, this surgery is very important for me. But it has to be done under the supervision of this surgeon, if I want to get it done in this country.

It’s true, you can get a surgery by using the public healthcare system. But, as every transsexual in this country knows, the queue is long and everyone is advising against it (including my doctors). It could only be done in a very specific hospital and the conditions aren’t.. good. No way I’m going under the knife in a “back alley”, specially with such an important and delicate surgery!

So no. I have to ponder, on how will I be able to get such a surgery. How will I gather such money? Do I need a “second job”? Do I need to invest in my artsy dreams and cross my fingers that it will actually produce any type of revenue? I.. don’t know!

…I have no choice. For the sake of my sanity, I need to place this specific major issue on the back of my head and live a day at a time. Focus on the good things that my transition is providing thus far and will continue to provide. Wait for the conditions to change and hopefully make it possible to find a way to get the surgery done. Maybe.. who knows? The surgeon did say that he was trying to get the price lower and, if he eventually is able to, the price will be far more tolerable for my wallet!

 

 

Final Thoughts:

There have been plenty of ups and downs this month.

 

Mostly, I’ve been feeling insecure. Uncertain about the future. Paranoid over the public’s gaze. The money that I have to spend in the near future. The money I need to save, though it doesn’t seem like I’ll ever reach it by doing what I’ve been doing so far. The whole process and the lack of proper rest, the weekends filled with nothing but the need to rest and not doing anything productive. The fact that I haven’t been spending time with the people that I care for a good number of weeks. The appointments that I have at least once a week..

But also the joys that I’ve felt. The compliments I’ve been getting. Already feeling the first hints of inner desires and passions as I slowly become more confident in my body. We’re near May, Estrogen will hopefully become available to me. New changes ahead, which will be embraced as the solution to my dysphoria! Knowing that I’ll become even more feminine than I am, physically and psychologically speaking. Being able to fully pass, no longer worrying about a wondering gaze discovering my “dark secret”. Being able to think even more clearly.

 

I’ll.. be fine. This is probably the most awkward stage that I’ll ever get during my transition. The sudden shifts between feeling as if everything is fine and it’s only going to get better.. and feeling as if it’s all wishful thinking while, in reality, I look terrible and that’s what the general public sees when they glance at me. The difference between feeling confident for a moment and feeling the exact opposite a few seconds afterward just because someone dared to look at you longer than they should, or second glanced.

But I need to leave those fears behind. As one of my secret admirers (that knows me since my childhood) said to someone else while I wasn’t around to hear (but was told later by a 3rd party).. I look better as a woman than as a man. Someone please tell that fan of mine that I’m very grateful for that comment and I’ll try to keep it in mind for now on.. since we can’t really talk face to face! Jehovah Witnesses’ shunning an’stuff.  Or just share her the link to this blog post or whatever. Don’t worry, I won’t tell, I keep my Jehovah Witness fans identity a secret~ And if there’s anything that I’m good at, it’s keeping secrets.

 

When I publish my 5th Month Update, I will probably be consuming my first or second Estrogen.. err.. medication. I’ll be crossing my fingers in hope that my blood test is going to be fine. I’ll try to gain the confidence I need to reveal a photo or two. A few photos to keep safe, as a reminder on how I look currently, without Estrogen and with only Anti-Androgen. No promises.. I still have to consider if it’s worth revealing under my public pseudonym or to keep it between friends. I’m leaning more towards.. keeping it private with my friends. I rather enjoy my somehow online anonymously and the safety that it provides!

 

Thank you and I’ll see you next month, with Estrogen maybe!

 

 

 

PORTUGUÊS

 

Bom dia a todos! Uma boa Sexta-feira de feriado e fim de semana prolongado! A quarta actualização mensal já está aqui disponível, uma actualização um pouco diferente das outras.

Eu consumi o 120º Anti-androgéno no dia 13 de Abril, Quinta-feira. Estou a escrever este post desde Terça-feira, visto que eu trabalho durante a semana e estes posts demoram algum tempo a serem escritos e, especialmente, a serem traduzidos! Como disse, este mês vai ser um pouco diferente. A estrutura deste post vai conter uma nova secção que poderá ser adicionada em actualizações no futuro! O que quer dizer que este post poderá ser um pouquinho grande. O meu conselho para as pessoas que querem mesmo ler este post mas não tem tempo? Leiam nos transportes públicos, a caminho do trabalho ou a caminho de casa. De qualquer forma.. este mês vai incluir, por ordem: Mudanças físicas, Mudanças psicológicas, Notícias (relacionadas com o processo em si, o que virá, o que aconteceu, etc) e Últimas Palavras.

 

 

Mudanças físicas:

Provavelmente o aspecto onde houve poucas mudanças.

Nós sempre começamos por manter o peso sobre controle. Para manter a tradição, vou relembrar que, no mês passado, eu expressei preocupação visto que o meu peso manteve-se entre os 77-78 KG’s, e que eu iria tentar baixar esse peso para os 75 KG’s… permitem-me que corrija isso com esta actualização. O meu peso está agora entre os 72-73 KG’s, e continua a manifestar esses novos valores já por quase uma semana. Eu.. não sei como e que parte do meu corpo perdeu esse peso mas sim! Em um mês, perdi 5 KG’s.

Ainda se encontra dentro da média aceitável e saudável para uma mulher, por isso não estou preocupada. Infelizmente, muitas pessoas demonstraram preocupação com a minha perda de peso. Não precisam de se preocupar, vocês estão apenas a pensar dentro da média aceitável de um homem… e isso não é a forma que deviam estar a pensar, suas criaturas tontas. Vocês têm que pensar que eu agora tenho de ter, em muitos aspectos, os mesmos cuidados de saúde e de higiene que uma mulher. É esse o objectivo! O que vocês pensam que as hormonas fazem? A sério, por favor pensem bem antes de se preocuparem com aspectos que não fazem sentido, estou a tomar Anti-andrógenos e, dentro de breve, Estrogénio. Claro, a gordura não está a ir para a barriga, mas para as minhas ancas (& arredores)! Também perdi muito músculo, e os músculos pesam muito mais que a gordura! E não, não estou a comer menos ou mal. Eu tenho comido da mesma forma que já comia muito antes da minha transição, as porções correctas e espalhadas nas várias refeições ao longo do dia que ajudam a manter o peso. Portanto não, não estou a morrer de fome. Apenas estou a perder músculo e a gordura está a ser distribuída de forma diferente.

 

No que diz respeito a perda de músculo e redistribuição de gorduras, ouve poucas mudanças. Mesmo assim, eu tomei a liberdade de medir o meu formato de corpo de novo. Quer dizer, os meus ombros, ancas e cintura. Desta vez, pedi ajuda para medir os ombros, o que vai providenciar medidas mais precisas e um melhor cálculo das minhas proporções. Portanto vou partilhar as proporções actuais-depois-de-quatro-meses-ainda-sem-estrogénio:

  • Comparado com os meus ombros, as minhas ancas tem uma proporção actual aproximada de 0,96 (no mês passado era 0.93)
  • Comparado com os meus ombros, a minha cintura tem uma proporção actual aproximada de 0.75 (a mesma proporção que no mês passado… apesar da minha cintura ter ficado um pouco mais estreita, portanto ou os meus ombros encolheram ou os meus ombros foram medidos correctamente desta vez!)
  • Comparado com as minhas ancas, a minha cintura tem uma proporção actual aproximada de 0.78 (no mês passado era 0.81)

Por poucas palavras, já não preciso de me preocupar com o formato do meu corpo!

Eu estava preocupada, devido à largura dos meus ombros, que poderiam arruinar a minha silhueta. Não que os meus ombros sejam ridiculamente largos (na verdade, os meus ombros apenas são largos, dentro da normalidade), mas considerando a minha altura e comparando com a altura das outras mulheres que partilham a mesma nacionalidade que a minha (Portuguesa).. eu sou mais Alemã. O que ajuda é o facto de que a minha cintura tem uma medida proporcionalmente saudável em comparação com os meus ombros e ancas… e as minhas ancas são quase tão largas como os meus ombros (de novo, relembro que ainda não estou a consumir estrogénio). Portanto, se continuar a escolher as roupas certas para a minha silhueta (especialmente, manter em foco as medidas da minha cintura e das minhas ancas) e ter a certeza que tenho um penteado que me ajude (apesar de já ter descoberto o penteado correcto muito antes da minha transição, porque sou assim tão auto-consciente e uma visionária).. eu estarei mais que bem~

 

Para além destes aspectos, não existe muito mais que dizer. Eu ainda continuo a sentir que o meu peito e traseiro estão a ficar para trás em comparação com as outras mudanças. Claro, isto porque ainda não estou a consumir Estrogénio. Mesmo assim, mesmo sem essas mudanças no entretanto; eu ainda consigo “passar”, devido ao formato do meu corpo e cara.. desde que continue também a esforçar-me para manter uma boa aparência!

Por poucas palavras, pouco aconteceu em termos físicos. Ficarei à espera do Estrogénio..

 

 

Mudanças Psicológicas:

Em termos psicológicos, é difícil de saber se existiram muitas mudanças. Este mês tem consistido de muitos altos e baixos em termos emocionais, devido a uns poucos eventos na minha vida e também frustrações e stress que advém do processo em si! Sinto-me bem quando tomo nota das mudanças que ocorrem, felicidade. Mas isso não quer dizer que não existam obstáculos pelo meio, provocados por fontes exteriores e coisas que estão fora do meu controle.

Por mais de uma semana, eu senti apatia.. por nenhuma razão aparente. Não senti muita felicidade ou tristeza. Isso foi estranho para mim, visto que tenho estado mais em contacto com as minhas e emoções dos outros. Poderá ter sido pela mudança no clima, com a Primavera. Acontece, às vezes o meu humor é influenciado pela mudança de estação. Pode ser também devido à falta de feriados no meu país desde o mês de Janeiro, a falta de meios para exprimir a minha criatividade, o facto de que as minhas amizades (e eu) têm estado ocupadas e, logo, não temos passado o tempo juntas, etc. Se calhar pode ser devido às inseguranças que ainda existem, visto que o meu ego ainda oscila com facilidade entre o sentir auto-confiante com a minha aparência e o “oh não, alguém está a olhar para mim. Alguma coisa de errado comigo?! ELES SABEM!”. A sério, com o número de pessoas não cometidas que já elogiaram a minha aparência, é um mistério porque ainda entro em pânico quando alguém olha para mim nas ruas..

Mas eu estou bem agora, essa apatia sumiu-se no momento que chorei por “nenhuma razão aparente”!

 

Um outro aspecto que tenho notado ao longo destes meses, é a forma como as minha funções cognitivas tem se alterado de forma gradual.

Eu sei que algumas pessoas vão revirar os seus olhos quando eu dizer isto mas, como algumas pessoas sabem, eu gosto de jogar (video jogos). Sou geek, temos pena..  criaturas básicas com gostos banais que nem sabem a diferença entre geek e nerd! E é interessante como o meu tratamento tem influenciado a minha performance nesses jogos.

Tenho notado que, em jogos que pedem da parte dos jogadores para agir rapidamente e bem (ex. First-Person-Shooters), o meu performance tem sido bastante baixo em comparação com antes. Na verdade, esses jogos agora causam-me maiores níveis de frustração, mais do que providenciam com algum entretenimento. Deixei de gostar desses jogos de forma geral. De novo, faz sentido porque os meus instintos mudaram. Afinal de contas, eu fico com medo e entro em pânico com mais facilidade.. o que não ajuda em situações que exigem reacções rápidas e bem feitas.

Estranhamente, no que diz respeito a resolver puzzles (e isto não é algo restrito a uma única modalidade, mas para várias modalidades de jogos), eu também tenho notado que estou a ter uma melhor performance em puzzles que exigem de mim uma combinação de atenção/consciência das várias tarefas apresentadas ao mesmo tempo, conseguindo focalizar e resolver várias situações ao mesmo tempo sem deixar nada para trás. Em poucas palavras, Multi-tarefas! Eu tomei conta deste aspecto quando eu tentei jogar um jogo que já não jogava à um ano ou dois. Nunca fui capaz de completar o jogo de forma completa, porque os níveis se tornavam caóticos! Bem.. eu joguei e resolvi os puzzles sem perder nem uma vez. Senti que o jogo era fácil e isso fez eu sentir desapontada porque eu lembro-me de que o jogo era muito mais difícil. Depois de pensar bem no que isto poderia significar e se existiriam outras situações (reais) e provas que poderiam comprovar esse aspecto; eu cheguei à conclusão, no que diz respeito a multi-tarefas, que essas actividades já não produzem tanto stress como antes. No entanto, puzzles que contém um tempo limite, tornaram-se mais difíceis visto que, de novo, o pânico impede a minha habilidade de resolver problemas. Mas, se tiver uma boa noite de sono, puzzles a 2D tornam-se ainda mais fáceis.

Também já notei que, quando sinto-me mais emocionada ou apenas zangada com algo, eu já não consigo abstrair a minha mente desses problemas e continuar a jogar. A minha performance quando jogo depende muito do meu humor, o que é algo que não acontecia com muita facilidade. Se estiver a pensar em algo que me afecta a mim pessoalmente a nível emocional, eu agora tenho que desligar o jogo visto que sou incapaz de me distrair ou de fazer a actividade de forma correcta. E hoje em dia, é muito mais fácil encarar muitos dos eventos e situações como algo pessoal, logo emocional.

Em poucas palavras, algumas actividades se tornaram mais fáceis, enquanto que outras actividades são agora mais difíceis. Isto não devia surpreender ninguém, porque tenho deixado algumas alusões a tais mudanças quando escrevo estas actualizações. Mas achei que seria divertido e interessante partilhar esta informação de qualquer forma! Eu estava a evitar de partilhar esta informação até agora porque eu não gosto muito de falar dos meus interesses mais geeky com as minhas amizades com gostos e interesses mais “básicos”.. e essas amizades até lêem estes posts no meu blog! Não porque tenha vergonha dos meus interesses mas porque sinto mal pelo sofrimento de algumas dessas amizades estarem a ler algo que não compreendem~

 

Uma outra mudança, e esta é bastante importante, é o facto de.. eu ter sentido mais a necessidade de estar numa relação.

Sem estar a falar exaustivamente acerca da minha sexualidade, visto sentir que estas questões são muito mais privadas do que a partilha destas actualizações.. sim, não vale a pena perguntarem-me qual a razão, em comparação com tudo o resto que já partilhei. Antes deste mês, a minha sexualidade foi sempre um problema para mim, de imaginar-me com alguém. Porque não me sentia confortável comigo mesma e, logo, no meu subconsciente, esses pensamentos e necessidades nunca surgiram e foram expostas à superfície de forma legitima.

Apenas existiram duas pessoas na minha vida que estiveram perto de fazer-me sentir aquele amor e desejo de estar com. Talvez qualquer dia, eu terei a coragem de partilhar essas duas experiências. Mas, por agora, é importante tomar nota de que essas duas experiências nunca chegaram perto de se concretizar ou me fizeram genuinamente amar essas duas pessoas. Eu apenas amava a idea de estar num relacionamento, apesar de não sentir a necessidade e verdadeiro desejo de estar com essas duas pessoas.

Mas agora, visto estar a sentir-me cada vez mais confortável na minha própria pele e aparência (apesar das inseguranças óbvias), eu até percebo o porquê da minha mente estar agora finalmente a permitir-se a pensar nestas questões e de estar num relacionamento. Eu penso que a minha sexualidade não mudou, mas que apenas está a despertar-se e já não é algo distante e inactivo que tinha plena consciência mas que era incapaz de alcançar. Por isso é que sabia que gostava de homens, apenas.. não sentia muito por homens. Quer dizer, até agora. Está a acordar, devagar. Como também as necessidades e desejos que advêm disso!

De qualquer forma, é também importante levar em consideração de que eu apenas gosto de relações hetero.. no sentido pleno. Isso significa que existem coisas pelo qual tenho que completar neste processo antes de participar em “actividades muito específicas e coloridas”. Eu acho que não posso ser mais óbvia sem ser directa e eu sinceramente não quero ser tão directa num assunto tão privado para mim..

 

 

Notícias:

Durante este mês, eu cheguei à conclusão que, fisicamente falando, eu estou mais que pronta para obter um cartão de cidadão que reflecte o nome que escolhi para mim própria.

Como tal, tornou-se o meu actual objectivo de curto-alcance fazer as possíveis preparações necessárias para alterar esses dados no meu cartão de cidadão, de forma legal. Para reflectir o nome que escolhi e para o meu cartão de cidadão reflectir o meu género. Na verdade, é importante que faça isso o mais rápido possível! O meu corpo sofreu muitas mudanças drásticas desde Dezembro.

É verdade, eu ainda não me apresento actualmente como mulher todos os dias em público. Eu agora o faço pelo menos dois dias por semana, por enquanto. Devido às minhas inseguranças. Porque quero poupar dinheiro. Mas o que está a acontecer agora.. é que sinto mais hostilidade do público em geral quando estou vestida com roupa de homem do que quando estou vestida com roupa de mulher. Isto porque provavelmente, quando estou vestida com roupa de homem, existem aspectos que não consigo esconder (claro que também não quero esconder estas mudanças mas.. acho que vocês compreendem o que quero dizer). A situação tornou-se tão crítica que até já fui gritada recentemente (quando estava vestida com roupa de homem) por um homem num autocarro, chamada de “paneleiro”. E eu até tenho quase a certeza que eu vi duas adolescentes, num outro dia, a tentarem tirar umas fotos de mim (de novo, estava vestida com roupa de homem) enquanto partilhávamos o mesmo comboio. Eu tenho.. curvas demais para estar a vestir-me com roupas de homem. Apenas se vesti-se com roupas largas, eu poderia misturar-me com o público como homem. Mas isso nunca vai acontecer.. porque depois eu parecia um homem a tentar esconder um corpo anoréxico e frágil. É que nem pensar. Ou se calhar sou eu que já nem sei vestir-me como um homem sem sentir certa repugnância!

Mas eu tenho que ignorar as minhas poupanças e gastar uma boa porção de tempo (e dinheiro…) para expandir o meu armário. Entre outras coisas. Chegou a hora de preparar-me, de ser racional uma vez na vida e deixar esses medos para trás. De pensar que adquiro mais o estilo de atenção impróprio quando me visto com roupa de homem e, quando me visto com roupa de mulher, o que apenas tenho de suportar é alguns olhares e de alguns elogios feitos por algumas pessoas que me conhecem e de algumas pessoas aleatórias e não cometidas que aparecem do nada.

Está na altura de começar a vestir-me de acordo com a mulher que sou.. todos os dias. Eu tenho quase a certeza que vou ficar paranóica na maior parte dos dias, nas primeiras semanas. Mas é algo que eu quero e que tem de ser feito, ainda mais considerando que agora tenho de o fazer pela minha própria segurança.

 

Por falar em dinheiro, eu finalmente consegui falar com um cirurgião. Um bastante conhecido, visto que ele opera, na grande maioria das vezes, pessoas transsexuais. E não existem muitos desses cirurgiões no meu país. Existe apenas um que é de confiança, aquele pelo qual falei. Tomei conhecimento do preço.. e não posso mentir quando digo que o preço é alto. Alto o suficiente para me fazer reflectir de modo sério o como é que vou conseguir alcançar esse tipo de dinheiro! Obviamente, esta cirurgia é bastante importante para mim. Mas tem de ser feito debaixo da supervisão deste cirurgião, isto se quiser o fazer neste país.

É verdade, uma pessoa pode obter esta cirurgia debaixo do sistema nacional público de saúde. Mas, como qualquer pessoa transsexual neste país sabe, a lista de espera é muito grande e todas as pessoas estão a sugerir para evitar o sistema público (incluindo os meus médicos). Apenas poderia ser feito num hospital muito específico e as condições não são.. boas. Eu não vou fazer esta cirurgia importante e delicada num “beco”!

Portanto não. Eu tenho de pensar bem, em como é que vou conseguir fazer esta cirurgia. Como é que vou conseguir obter tanto dinheiro? Preciso de um “segundo trabalho”? Preciso de investir nos meus sonhos artísticos e de cruzar os meus dedos com esperança de que vou conseguir algum rendimento? Eu.. não sei!

…Eu não tenho escolha. Pela minha sanidade mental, eu tenho de deixar este problema grande e específico de lado e viver um dia de cada vez. Focalizar nos aspectos bons que a minha transição está a providenciar até agora e irá continuar a providenciar. Esperar que as condições alterem e que esperançosamente seja possível encontrar uma maneira de obter esta cirurgia. Se calhar.. quem sabe? O cirurgião disse que ia tentar baixar o preço e, se ele conseguir essa descida, o preço será muito mais tolerante para a minha carteira!

 

 

Últimas palavras:

Ouve muitos altos e baixos neste mês.

 

De forma geral, tenho sentido insegura. Incerta com respeito ao futuro. Paranóica com o olhar do público. O dinheiro que tenho de gastar no futuro próximo. O dinheiro que preciso de poupar, apesar de sentir que nunca vou conseguir alcançar essa quantia se continuar a fazer aquilo que tenho feito até agora. O processo todo e a falta de descanso, os fins de semana sem fazer nada de produtivo e apenas saciar a vontade de descansar. O facto de que não tenho gasto tempo com as pessoas que gosto já por algumas boas semanas. As consultas que tenho pelo menos uma vez por mês..

Mas também as alegrias que tenho sentido. Os elogios que tenho recebido. O sentir os primeiros indícios de desejos e paixões à medida que sinto mais confortável com o meu corpo. Estamos perto de Maio, o Estrogénio estará possivelmente disponível para mim dentro de breve. Novas mudanças pela frente, que serão aceites como a solução para a minha disforia! Saber que vou ficar ainda mais feminina com que estou actualmente, fisicamente e psicologicamente falando. Ser possível passar de forma plena, sem ter que preocupar com algum olhar que poderá ter descoberto o meu “segredo pecaminoso”. Ter a capacidade de pensar de forma ainda mais clara.

 

Eu.. ficarei bem. Isto é provavelmente a fase mais estranha que alguma vez tive e terei na minha transição. As mudanças bruscas entre o sentir que tudo está bem e que as coisas ficarão ainda melhores.. e o sentir que estou a enganar-me a mim própria enquanto que, na realidade, poderei ter um aspecto horrível e que é isso que as pessoas do público vêem quando olham para mim. A diferença entre o sentir confiante num momento e sentir o oposto uns segundos depois só porque alguém teve a ousadia de olhar para mim mais tempo do que devia, ou porque olhou pela segunda vez.

Mas eu tenho que deixar esses medos de parte. Como uma das minhas admiradoras secretas (que conhece-me desde criança) disse a outra pessoa enquanto não estava por perto para ouvir (mas que depois ouvi por uma outra pessoa de qualquer forma).. eu sou mais bonita como mulher do que como homem. Para quem conhece esta admiradora secreta, será que podem-lhe dizer que estou muito grata pelo comentário e que irei ter isso em mente a partir de agora.. visto que não podemos falar directamente cara a cara?! Testemunhas de Jeová, desassociada e tal. Ou podem apenas partilhar-lhe o link para este post de blog em privado ou sei lá. Não se preocupem, eu não digo a ninguém, eu gosto de manter a identidade dos meus fans Testemunhas de Jeová em segredo~ E se à coisa que sou boa a fazer.. é manter segredos.

 

Quando eu publicar a minha 5ª Actualização Mensal, eu estarei provavelmente a consumir a minha primeira ou segunda dose de Estrogénio.. errr.. medicação. Eu irei cruzar os meus dedos com esperança de que as minhas análises sanguíneas estarão bem. Eu vou tentar ganhar a confiança de que necessito para revelar uma foto ou duas. Umas fotos para manter em segurança, como lembrança do meu aspecto actual, sem Estrogénio e com apenas Anti-Androgéno. Não prometo nada.. eu ainda tenho que considerar se é boa idea revelar essas fotos debaixo do meu pseudónimo público ou manter essas fotos em privado apenas para as minhas amizades. Estou mais inclinada a.. manter essas fotos privadas entre as minhas amizades. Eu até gosto da minha anonimidade online e da segurança que isso providencia!

 

Obrigada e vejo-vos no o próximo mês, com Estrogénio provavelmente!

 

Pages:

The Art of Patronizing

(While I can’t figure out my art style, have another basic vector drawing/featured image)

 

Good afternoon! I’m going to regret posting this on my blog but hey.. my blog, my rules~

If I’m going to regret, why post? Because, sometimes, you need to scream at a pillow. And there are those rare moments that the best pillow you have is.. your own public blog! I know right? How dreadful to go on and use an open public corner of the web to whine and complain about some first world problems! There are people that dedicate their entire lives to self pitying in the (figurative) public square and, somehow, they earn money out of that. Isn’t that nice? Eh..  I need to start writing about happier and more relatable topics. But in the meantime, here we are!

 

Patronizing. Oh my.. there will be a few people that are going to twist my words to such a degree that they will take it as a personal jab and injury to their own egos. So, here’s an advise. If you feel this doesn’t apply to you, great, move on with your life! If you feel this applies to you, then it must be for a reason. And you know how it goes, we don’t need to get along with everyone so there is no point in getting upset. The best insult you can give to someone is.. to completely ignore them!

Anyway, disclaimers aside…

 

Most people have been patronized one way or another. More so, people that belong to specific demographics that host some form of public dissonance. Either someone with a disability, from other nationality or other arbitrary factors that shouldn’t matter that much on someone’s daily life and social interaction with others. Most of all, people should be treated as individuals, with dignity and respect. Unfortunately.. that doesn’t happen all the time and that’s a shame.

Some of you may be wondering, based on that last paragraph, if this means that I’ve suffered from any form of discrimination. I mean, of course I have. Who doesn’t nowadays? I’m not that unique and special when it comes to being discriminated based on something that doesn’t affect anyone but the individual. You don’t need to be part of a “minority” or an “oppressed group” to suffer that type of discrimination. And yes, I’m using quotes since I loathe this type of thinking. My readers know how much I dislike labels and segregation, since I’m an individualist and like to treat everyone as such.. though I am quite keen on criticizing certain ideologies.

You may be wondering if I was beaten, called out on the streets, got glares and so on. Well, the amount of times I was called out have been counted with one hand so.. yes, it’s bad but at least it hurts and scares me on the moment, fearful that the individuals might do more than just one ocasional and random verbal expression of their lack of civility. But then it’s gone and you move on. Because you know those people are merely poorly educated individuals, easily dismissed. Glares? In the past I used to get more of those. Now it mostly comes from certain people who knew me for some time and look at me now. Being physically assaulted or even touched for malicious intends? Never, which is a good thing because this is the worst thing that could ever happen.. obviously!

Nah. We are going to talk about a much more subtler approach to being completely obnoxious. Of course, that of being patronized. That’s what’s been troubling me of late and I’m sure a lot of people can relate to that, no matter who they are and their own backgrounds.

 

 

 

Hopefully, I do not need to describe the act of patronizing someone. Simply put, to patronize means to express a form of sympathy for someone while, at the same time, trying to subtly convey superiority over the victim.

Normally, that leaves the victim in an awkward situation that they cannot easily reprehend the patronizer. Since doing so could easily make the victim someone rude over someone who is “just trying to be nice and helpful”. Or, worst yet, it can create a situation where the people nearby could easily, in spite for the victim’s “outburst”, avoid contact with the victim or even flatter or offer aid to the victim in any other occasion.

So, therefore, usually the safest reaction to someone that patronizes is to smile, thank them and, for future encounters, avoid any significant conversation with said individual… since the victim knows that the patronizer doesn’t actually care that much for the victim. The patronizer only wants to feel good about themselves or to virtue signal those that get to see their “kindness”.

 

Unfortunately, the patronizers have become the most common form of annoyance in today’s western society. More so than the so called “random and rare bigots on the streets”. My theory as to why is rather simple. It’s a consequence of the modern form of political correctness and the continuous adaptation to the social media’s requirement to get as much approval from the other peers as possible. The current trend, politically speaking, is to be kind to everyone.. specially if they are considered a “minority”. “Minorities” are oppressed so, if you are a good self righteous individual, you might want to share as much cases of oppression towards “minorities” as possible! Bonus points if you actually be-friend someone who is part of said “minority”.

 

The modern patronizer tends to express their support towards a “minority” or individual that suffers as often as possible. At the same time, if the victim tends to open up about their struggles once in a while, the patronizer is prone to never quite understand what is being said. They will usually paint a picture and make an overall wrong judgement of the victim’s personality and interests, their overall view of the victim is that of an stereotype.

This is easily noticeable when the victim is having a trivial conversation with the patronizer and the patronizer tries to guess what the victim did, said or is thinking in a certain situation. They never get it right, since they don’t bother to actually get to know the victim outside of their struggles and figure out how the victim would act in trivial every day situations.

It is also noticeable when the patronizer tends to exclude the victim in situations that it wouldn’t make sense to create division or segregation. This can be heard and seen, again, in everyday conversation. The patronizer, no matter what, will make sure that the victim knows that they are different from the rest.. despise their need to make sure that the victim and everyone knows that they support the victim.

In some less common cases, they will try to create situations on which they can humiliate the victim. Either subtly or less subtly when in private with the victim or when the victim is not near, in order to avoid confrontation. The patronizer does this by, occasionally, point out the flaws that the victim possesses that the patronizer, on the other hand, doesn’t. Of course, they do this to maintain some form of power and superiority over the victim, since the victim is unable to confront the patronizer without sounding psychotic. After all, the patronizer “supports” the victim, as far as everyone is concerned. If a victim is unable to avoid the patronizer’s influence over them, this tends to frustrate the victim and lower their own self-esteem, which is what some patronizers intend. Though these specific type of patronizers are actually abusive narcissists who are draining the sanity of a victim in order to maintain some superiority that they think they deserve.

 

 

So, what is the best way for a victim to break free from a patronizer’s influence?

Well, if you’re a victim of one, you’re in luck! I know a thing or two about these types of people since I still have to deal with some of these occasionally.

But one thing is important to distinguish. Do not mistake an honest compliment or a few words of support for the act of patronizing. Some people are.. not that great when expressing their true intentions. Specially if you are the “first one” they ever met of “some group” or “minority”. The difference is simple, to distinguish a patronizer from someone that genuinely cares. Someone that genuinely cares will treat you like a human being. They will bother to actually get to know you and they will talk about other things that are of common interest, never bringing up the aspects that plagues you. However, they will always be there if you feel the need to occasionally express yourself! They will never try to make you feel outlandish or “exotic”, different. They will try to invite you to their own gatherings, groups, activities. They will try to treat you like any other member of society, like any of their friends. That is the type of support that you want. You don’t want a patronizer, that will always make you feel like you are an alien that needs to be reminded that they are aliens and need to be treated as such.

With that said, here are a few advises from yours truly.

 

  • If you hardly know the person and the individual expresses their support to you, for whatever reason.. thank them but do not try to take steps to be-friend said person. Remain civil, polite and kind but allow the individual to be the one to take the first steps to form any meaningful connection/friendship. From there, it should be easy to know if you are dealing with someone that is honest or a patronizer. It much depends from how they behave from that point forward and what type of conversations they have with you. If they are a patronizer and you want to keep your sanity, remain distant and passively dismiss any attempts to form any meaningful connection/friendship. They will get tired eventually and move on, since they prey on easier to manipulate victims.
  • If you know the person and the person turns into a patronizer, be extremely careful if you both share a few friends. The patronizer will try to speak in your behalf and, if you are submissive in nature, you will want to make sure that your common friends know that there are things you don’t agree with the patronizer. Instead of criticizing the patronizer, criticize their ideas without making it personal. Make it clear that the patronizer does not share the same ideals as you and the patronizer will step back gradually. Again, they prey on easier victims. If you show to them that you are strong willed, they will not waste their time trying to patronize you. They might attempt in private to “convert” you to their way of thinking but, if you are stubborn enough, they will let you be. Though always keep a close eye to your common friends and if their behaviors change towards you. If these do, you are not dealing with a mere patronizer, but a sociopath or a narcissist. Or, least worrying, a mere zealot to whatever ideology they stand for.
  • If you know the person and the person turns into a patronizer.. but you are confident in your social skills and know how to play the emotional and psychological game.. have fun! Patronizers are society’s modern social leeches. They might think they are better than you (whenever they consciously are aware of their belief or not), but you know, deep down, you are much better than them. Find out why they are trying to patronize you, the passion that drives them to act that way and.. be sure to poke on their insecurities in order to “sedate” that horrendous aspect of their nature. Expose their flaws with dignity by pointing out your own virtues that they do not possess. Remember, they want to feel superior in a world that shames “bigotry”. So, the best way is to show confidence on your own qualities and make sure that you and they are aware of it. Of course, they will try to underplay your qualities while, at the same time, saying that they support you. But this all part of the fun, just keep doing it until they give up! But remember to always keep a close eye on your common friends.. the least you want is to be seen as egocentric, which the patronizer will try to paint you once they get frustrated enough~

 

 

And with that, I conclude this blog post, feeling like I’ve made use of one of my emotional pillows. It feels good and I hope that this post has made someone relate to the things I’ve written. Anyone can be a victim of a patronizer. It doesn’t matter what their background is or what is the aspect that they are being patronized about constantly. My advises aren’t flawless, nor is my description of a patronizer. There’s more nuance to what I’ve written.. but I do feel that it is a good summary!

Thank you for reading this and, if you’ve enjoyed this blog post, be sure to browse this website for more! Also remember to subscribe on my social media channels/accounts, share, etc~

 

Pages:

Creative Expression – The Crossroads

(Eh.. I kinda gave up midway on this featured image)

 

Good morning. Technically, I wrote this on the 1st of April.. but, to make sure people wouldn’t mistake this for a April Fools’ joke, I’ve decided to make it public today!

 

 

Creativity. That was something I used to say more proudly that I had within myself. Though I used to draw more often, create characters easily and develop entire worlds and stories out of thin air; refining those along the years.. I can’t say that’s the case currently.

It’s to no surprise for those that follow my content and posts, as little as that number actually is since I do not create content that resonates with a more visible audience. What I’ve always created publicly has been based on things that I enjoy or concern me.. rather than generating content for the sake of pleasing and attracting a larger gathering of followers or subscribers.

There has been no direction to the things I post nowadays. No obvious goal or motive behind my channels, website and social media. What was once an attempt to make my own art, stories and characters public for everyone to enjoy; has dissolved itself to posts about politics, silly things that I find amusing and sharing my own predicaments. There has been no art, no drawings, no stories to tell. Only opinions, from a voice that should probably just stay silent and allow the “grown ups to do the talking” while cheer-leading from behind the voices of reason. With likes, shares, subscriptions, comments and so on.

 

I should know better by now, as someone of my own age, to not behave this carelessly online on my public accounts. I should had kept myself to drawing and sharing stories. Again, that was the original idea when I created the pseudonym “SapphyDe90”. To focus on art, to be genuine yet kind. I guess the “art” and “kindness” got lost somewhere, leaving only the brutal honesty to the public. Unfiltered.. for most part. Lax. Perhaps naive, which is something that goes against what I am in reality.. though it is true that I can act quite childish. Personally, I don’t mind being childish on some aspects, as long I’m mature where it actually matters.

 

More and more I’ve thought to myself what to do with this pseudonym. I’ve been less motivated to draw as time passes by. Yet I’ve been felling the pressure to express my creativity somehow. It pains me that, at the age of 26 (nearly 27), I’m here thinking about what I want to do when “I grow up”. In this case, what type of artist I want to be. Again. I thought I had that set on stone, I was doing well with my art style. My stories and universes were, in my humble biased opinion, well developed and it’s a shame I never shared not even a single one to a wider audience, in a more complete sense! But, alas, people know that I’m changing. It’s a long process, that I’m quite enjoying the results that have been surprising me. But this is not the post to talk about my transition..

 

It irks me that I haven’t found myself time to properly think about what direction I want to take. How to express my creativity. I look at the time, as it flicks by. Appointments, work, resting, feeling like the worst person ever for rarely paying attention to my friends as of late. I come home, hardly feeling like doing anything productive at all. No time to think about the future.. except the treatment or the job that I have. Sometimes thinking that I should probably take time to do that one thing or another that is also important; which I do end up doing, occupying more of my time and continuing to postpone any actual attempt to find a new way to express myself.

But where is the time to think about how to express my creativity? This has been one of the most important aspects of my life, to expose my stories, settings and characters to the world; to make people feel and to make them think. To watch and smile when I see people coming up with their own interpretations. Perhaps even broaden a few minds. To also learn from the criticism, to learn more about myself and others.

 

It’s true, I’m an introvert. I’ve always been more of a listener rather than someone that talks and, while I do enjoy being with my friends, social gatherings drain me rather than invigorating. Since I’m a listener and an observer in nature, environments that produce a lot of stimuli tend to tire me easily.. given that I pay attention to every detail and really think about those details, unlike extroverts. And when there’s too many things going on, it’s no wonder that I get often lost thinking about everything around me. Which is why my definition of resting is.. not engaging with anyone and do my own thing for a while. As such, I spend most of my time soul-searching!

I dwell with emotions rather than facts, though I do appreciate (quite a lot) those that can provide facts. With facts provided by trustworthy sources, I tend to interprete how those facts affect society and the people around me. Psychology and emotions.. the human mind fascinates me and I feel that my role in society is to provide some form of guidance and emotional support. To look at society, or part of it, take note of these patterns and think abstractly about what is the passion and emotions behind the actions and words of groups and individuals. It’s not about what people stand for, say or do. But why are they acting that way? What is really going on, what do they fear, what do they actually believe?

While facts are necessary, and I do hold facts above any type of belief, I feel that the best way to tackle the issues in society is to appeal to the passions and emotions of the individuals interested in listening to the aid that I can provide. Instead of being blunt and talk about the issues and facts, I would rather express my concerns and opinions publicly by the use of symbolism, storytelling and art. What if’s, fiction, abstract. Characters, groups, universes that reflect the emotions and passions that are relatable to our own reality, daily life and current events.

That’s the type of artist I am and has been dormant of late.

 

 

When I was a child, I wanted to be an Obstetrician. Yes, I know. I was a child that, when people used to ask what I wanted to be in adulthood, I would say “I want to be a doctor that delivers babies”. Considering everything, it makes sense why I would say such a specific, yet silly thing.

I don’t think the passion behind it changed at all.. it simply took another path to reach the same goal. To nurture. When I look at everything that I’ve done and continue to passionately talk about, it becomes clearer. Why an Obstetrician? Why storytelling? Why art? Why did I chose to draw cartoons? Because I probably realized, at a really young age, that I couldn’t have children of my own.. at least the way I’ve always desired. Perhaps, before undergoing this treatment I’m currently in; drawing, storytelling and becoming an obstetrician was my way to make manifest my desire to be a mother. To teach, to love, to help someone grow and become a better person.

 

Perhaps the question is not how will I express my creativity.. but how can I nurture others? And it becomes clearer!

I don’t want to make hasty decisions. I really want to continue my treatment and reach a point that I know I’m emotionally and psychologically settled enough to decide how will I do just that. When I asked that question to myself, a few ideas came to mind. But I’m not on estrogen yet.. it’s best to wait and decide once everything becomes even more obvious.

 

 

Thank you for reading this, dear reader and here’s an advise.. analise your desires and passions, your motivations and feelings. If you have never done that honestly and with time, consider doing it.. you’ll be surprised~

Pages:

[English and Portuguese] Transitioning – Third Month Update

 

(Para quem não sabe ler Inglês, a versão em Português encontra-se no final)

  • 1st Month/ 1º Mês – Link
  • 2st Month/ 2º Mês – Link

 

ENGLISH

 

Hello everyone! The third monthly update is now available, though a late update!

I took my 90th Anti-Androgen on the 14th of March, Tuesday. So, technically, as I write this, I already took my 94th Anti-Androgen and will probably publish it on Sunday, on the 95th day. As I suspected on my second update, not much as changed. Though, as usual, there’s always one thing or another that changes or perfects itself. As tradition, first we’ll get physical. Second, emotional and psychological. Lastly, last thoughts and predictions.

 

 

Physical changes:

Again, my weight remains the same. Though, in these last few days, I feel like it has been more inclined to be between 77-78 KG’s. I’m going to work on that and get it back to the pleasant 75’s. Shouldn’t be that hard!

 

There has been more lost of muscle mass. I’ve noticed that much of that lost has been on my back and neck. You don’t really realize just how much muscle you had until the Testosterone is taken away. I’m genuinely surprised how much muscle I had and how much is just.. gone! That’s awesome! In contradiction, I continue to notice that the major focus of my fat has been still on my hips.

With less mass on my back and neck, a thinner waist and still a focus on my hips, I feel that my chest and bottom are lagging behind. But it is true that there has been some very slow and hardly noticeable changes on those two areas. I do feel that what is needed is some Estrogen to hasten up some of these changes.

In fact, I’ve took the liberty to measure my shoulders, hips and waist. While I won’t be revealing the values (I mean, why would I?), I guess I can share the current-after-three-months-no-estrogen ratio:

  • Compared to my shoulders, my hips are currently around 0.93
  • Compared to my shoulders, my waist is currently around 0.75
  • Compared to my hips, my waist is currently around 0.81

Overall, what I’ve noticed this month was my body trying to perfect the aspects that was already working on last month, with more focus on less muscle mass and redistributing fat on areas that needed more work.

 

I also do feel that my HRT is finally having more influence on my body hair. It’s true that I’m having laser sessions, as mentioned on the second month but, despise that, I have noticed that the growth has been slowing down drastically.. and thinning. I know this because I had to miss this month’s laser session unfortunately and still, somehow, there were changes regarding that aspect!

 

All in all, these changes during this month have been enough to the point that even the neighbors have started to notice! I’ve heard comments about me from conversations that weren’t done with me near but told about later from other sources that my body has become more feminine than even certain cis-women. “Her body is even more feminine than mine”, those kind of comments. Obviously, this flatters me immensely and has given me some confidence and even higher hopes for the future, regarding my HRT! In fact, it has given me some pride. I mean, I’m not even on Estrogen yet and it only has been 3 months. I have no idea what will happen ahead but if that’s what some people already talk about when I’m not around according to my sources.. hmm~

Anyway, it may sound vain but, from someone dealing with this predicament and finally having a chance to diminish the frustration from Gender Dysphoria; being highly insecure about your own body and appearance.. and hearing those things from the mouth of somehow strangers instead of a few friends that may or not just be telling you the things you want to hear and not the truth.. I’m sorry but I have every reason to glee! Deal with it, skeptics.

 

 

Psychological changes:

Ironically, this month has been the one that have given me less psychological and emotional changes thus far.

That initial emotional and psychological euphoria is gone, though the changes have obviously remained. I’m just less hyper aware about those changes, as they settled in my own psyche. I don’t think too much about these emotions anymore. Yeah, they’re there. I’m still just as sensitive as last month and so on. But I no longer actively think about the things I’m feeling or acting as something I didn’t do before the HRT.

In short, I’m already used to this and I’m waiting for the Estrogen. For the grand opening of yet another completely new wild ride on the emotional roller coaster.

 

However, that doesn’t mean that hasn’t been a few changes. Nothing ground breaking, but the fact that my primal instincts are changing and manifesting in rather fascinating ways. Though I admit.. I don’t think it’s fascinating when it happens on the moment.

Perhaps I need to be a little more specific, yet blunt and simplistic. For example, I get scared more easily. I panic more easily. When there’s an issue, it becomes harder to solve it on my own and it has become easier to ask for help. In fact, I’ve had very interesting interactions because of this that has made me chuckle later. Because, on the spot, I’m definitely not laughing!

An example would be the time when I was at work and was given a task to do while my co-workers were away. I was by myself, to do a series of small tasks on which some I’ve done in the past while other aspects were completely new. Despise the explanation given a few days before, even though I’ve written everything down to make sure I wouldn’t fail.. STILL, as I tried my best to follow the instructions, there was a piece of software that was not exactly.. collaborating with me when I was writing down the things I needed to in order to print later on. I didn’t know what was wrong with what I was doing, I followed what was told and even tried to reintroduce the information into the software. It wasn’t working! So I immediately called one of my co-workers to aid me with this problem. My co-worker was busy but she still aided me the best she could. “Have you tried X?”, “Have you done Y?” Yes and yes, to most of the things said. Until she asked “Have you pressed Enter?” Enter.. right.. I didn’t. That was the solution. Enter. How come I didn’t think of that? Seems quite obvious and I did felt dumb.

I wish I could say that was the only example.. but it wasn’t. It makes me wonder.. has it become easier to ask for aid than to solve some of these things that are actually simple? I do believe panic and asking for help has become the instinct that has overshadowed the ability to think during a moment of alarm and/or anxiety.

I will need more time to make sense of this new aspect of mine, since I’ve also noticed that my reflexes are starting to slow down.. since my instinct is now to gasp first and then react later. Doesn’t mean that my movements are slower, just that I first gasp for some reason when, before HRT, it was reflexes first, and then think later what just happened and how frightening it was.

Not that I’m unhappy with this change, I actually think it’s funny when I later think about these episodes! But I want to see how far is this instinct going to affect my daily life in the future.

 

And, lastly, more empathy. I’ve felt the need to make sure that the people I care about are well. And, when they are not, make sure that they’ll be fine. Or share their sorrow. Mostly, emotional support and sometimes even be worried if someone has eaten. The inability to even watch a surgery on TV or the internet. To feel concerned if someone exposes a wound in front of me, the need to be there and show that I care..

.. I needed this emotional change and I know it’s only going to expand later once I get some Estrogen. I know that this particular aspect it’s still in its infancy and still is only being exposed on very exclusive and selective moments.

 

 

Final Thoughts:

This has been a long month. And I don’t mean this as a not-so-clever remark to the delay of this post! It felt longer compared to the other two months. Perhaps because I got sick for a few days (not even a full week), given the clash between spring and winter at the moment and the sudden drops and rises in temperature from one day to another. I don’t know how my HRT is going to affect my allergy (rhinitis) during this spring but I don’t believe these affect each other at all. I could be wrong though, because this time, when I got sick during this month, I’ve felt a few side effects differently. So really, who knows?

 

I have no major predictions for next month. I believe that there won’t be major changes from now on.. until I start taking Estrogen on May. Mostly, I’m sure it will be more of the same, perfecting the changes already described on this and previous month updates.

If that’s the case, I’ll have to improvise something fun to keep the attention from those that read these update posts~

Thank you and I’ll see you next month!

 

 

 

PORTUGUÊS

 

Boa noite a todos! A terceira actualização mensal está aqui disponível, apesar de ser uma actualização tardia!

Eu consumi o 90º Anti-androgéno no dia 14 de Março, Terça-feira. Portanto, tecnicamente, ao escrever isto, eu já consumi o meu 94º Anti-Androgéno e vou provavelmente publicar este post no Domingo, no 95º dia. Como suspeitei na minha segunda actualização, muito não mudou. Mas, como hábito, existe sempre uma coisa ou outra que muda ou aperfeiçoa-se. Como tradição, iremos falar primeiro de aspectos físicos. Segundo, mudanças emocionais e psicológicas. Por último, últimos pensamentos e previsões.

 

 

Mudanças físicas:

De novo, o meu peso manteve-se. Apesar de, nestes últimos dias, eu tenha sentido que o meu peso esteja mais inclinado entre os 77 e os 78 KG’s. Vou ter que fazer algo com relação a isso e diminuir esse peso para os maravilhosos 75’s. Não deverá ser difícil!

 

Tem existido mais perda de massa muscular. Eu tenho notado que muito dessa perda tem sido localizada nas minhas costas e pescoço. Uma pessoa não nota mesmo a massa muscular que tinha até que a Testosterona é retirada. Estou genuinamente surpreendida com a quantidade que tinha antes e que agora.. desapareceu! Isso é maravilhoso! No lado oposto, eu continuo a notar que o maior foco da minha gordura tem continuado a ser as minhas ancas.

Com menos volume nas minhas costas e pescoço, uma cintura mais fina e ainda um grande foco nas minhas ancas, eu sinto que o meu peito e posterior estão a ficar para trás. Mas é verdade que tem existido algumas mudanças muito lentas e muito difíceis de detectar nessas duas áreas. Eu sinto que é realmente necessário o Estrogénio para acelerar essas mudanças.

De facto, eu tomei a liberdade de medir os meus ombros, ancas e cintura. Apesar de eu não revelar os valores (obviamente que não vou o fazer), eu penso que não haverá problema nenhum partilhar as proporções actuais-depois-de-apenas-três-meses-sem-estrogénio:

  • Comparado com os meus ombros, as minhas ancas tem uma proporção actual aproximada de 0,93
  • Comparado com os meus ombros, a minha cintura tem uma proporção actual aproximada de 0.75
  • Comparado com as minhas ancas, a minha cintura tem uma proporção actual aproximada de 0.81

De modo geral, tenho notado que, durante este mês, o meu corpo tem tentado aperfeiçoar os aspectos que já estavam em desenvolvimento durante o último mês, com um maior foco na perda da massa muscular e na redistribuição de gordura nas áreas que precisam de mais trabalho.

 

Eu também sinto que o meu tratamento hormonal está a ter alguma influência no pelo do corpo. É verdade que estou a ter sessões a laser, como mencionei no mês passado mas, apesar de tudo, eu tenho notado que o crescimento tem drasticamente ficado mais lento.. e a ficar mais fino. Eu sei disso porque eu tive que perder a sessão deste mês infelizmente e mesmo assim, por algum motivo, ouve mudanças no que diz respeito ao pelo!

 

Contudo, essas mudanças durante este mês tem sido suficientes até ao ponto de que os meus vizinhos tem começado a notar! Eu tenho ouvido comentários acerca de mim, vindas de conversas em que não estive presente mas que foram me ditas mais tarde, no que diz respeito ao meu corpo estar a tornar-se mais feminino que até mesmo algumas mulheres cisgéneras. “O corpo dela está mais feminino que o meu”, esse estilo de comentários. Obviamente, isto me agrada imensamente e tem me fornecido mais confiança e ainda uma maior esperança para o futuro, no que diz respeito ao meu tratamento hormonal! De facto, até me deu certo orgulho. Quer dizer, eu ainda nem estou a consumir Estrogénio e ainda só estamos no terceiro mês. Não sei o que irá acontecer no futuro mas se isto é o que algumas pessoas já comentam quando eu não estou presente, de acordo com as minhas fontes.. hmm~

Eu sei, isto pode estar a gerar alguma vaidade mas, vindo de uma pessoa que está a lidar com este predicamento e está finalmente a ter a oportunidade de diminuir a frustração vinda da Disforia de Género; sendo uma pessoa muito insegura no que diz respeito ao corpo e aparência.. e depois ouvir estas coisas de bocas de pessoas um pouco estranhas em vez de algumas amizades que o poderão estar a dizer estas coisas só para nos agradar e não porque é verdade.. Peço desculpa mas eu tenho todas as razões para ficar satisfeita! Temos pena, céticos.

 

 

Mudanças Psicológicas:

Ironicamente, este mês tem sido o que tem fornecido menos mudanças psicológicas e emocionais até agora.

Aquela euforia emocional e psicológica no inicio já passou, apesar das mudanças terem obviamente permanecido. Eu apenas estou menos hiper consciente no que diz respeito a essas mudanças, visto que essas já se estabeleceram dentro do meu psique. Eu não penso muito nessas emoções agora. Sim, claro, estão em mim na mesma. Estou tão sensível como no mês passado, entre outras coisas. Mas eu não estou activamente a pensar nas diferenças de comportamento e emoções entre o agora e antes do tratamento hormonal.

De forma resumida, eu já estou habituada e estou à espera do Estrogénio. Para a grande abertura de mais uma nova aventura louca na montanha russa de emoções.

 

Apesar de tudo, isto não significa que não tenha existido algumas mudanças. Nada de especial, mas apenas o facto de que os meus instintos primários estão a ser alterados e estão a manifestar-se de formas bastante fascinantes. Mas admito.. eu não sinto fascinada quando as coisas acontecem no momento.

É provável que tenha de ser mais específica, mas directa e simplista. Por exemplo, eu fico com medo com mais facilidade. Eu entro em pânico também com mais facilidade. Quando existe um problema, torna-se difícil de o resolver por mim própria e começou a ser mais fácil pedir ajuda. De facto, eu até já tive algumas interacções bastante interessantes por causa disso mesmo e que me fez rir mais tarde. Porque, nos momentos, eu não estou a rir!

Um exemplo será o dia em que estive no trabalho e foi-me dada uma tarefa para fazer enquanto que as minhas colegas de trabalho estavam fora. Eu estava sozinha, fazendo as tarefas que me foram incumbidas pelo qual algumas eu já tinha feito no passado enquanto que outras eram completamente novas. Apesar da explicação dada uns poucos dias atrás, apesar de eu ter anotado tudo para ter a certeza que não iria falhar.. MESMO ASSIM, quando tentei o meu melhor para seguir as instruções, existia um software que não estava exactamente.. a colaborar comigo quando eu estava a copiar as coisas que necessitava para imprimir mais tarde. Eu não sabia o que tinha feito de errado, eu segui tudo o que me foi dito e eu tentei seguir os passos de novo desde o princípio ao reintroduzir a mesma informação para o programa. Não estava a funcionar! Portanto eu imediatamente contactei uma das minhas colegas de trabalho para me ajudar com o meu problema. A minha colega estava ocupada mas mesmo assim ela ajudou-me no melhor que podia. “Já tentaste fazer X?”, “Já fizeste Y?” Sim e sim, para quase tudo o que foi dito. Até que ela perguntou “Carregas-te no Enter?” Enter.. claro.. não carreguei. Essa era a solução. Enter. Como é que eu não pensei nisso? Pareceu algo muito óbvio e eu senti-me uma idiota.

Gostaria de dizer que esse foi o único exemplo.. mas não foi. Faz-me pensar.. será que se tornou mais fácil pedir ajuda em vez de resolver algumas destas coisas que até são simples? Eu acredito que o pânico e o pedir ajuda se tornou o instinto que tem ofuscado a habilidade de pensar num evento de alarme e/ou ansiedade.

Eu ainda preciso de mais tempo para fazer sentido deste novo aspecto da minha pessoa, visto que eu também tenho notado que os meus reflexos têm-se lentificado.. visto que o meu instinto é agora é sobressaltar em primeiro lugar e depois reagir. Não significa que os meus movimentos estão mais lentos, apenas que primeiro tenho de sobressaltar por alguma razão enquanto que, antes do tratamento hormonal, primeiro eram os reflexos, depois é que pensava no que tinha acontecido e o quão assustador foi.

Não é que esteja infeliz com esta mudança, eu até acho piada quando penso nestes episódios mais tarde! Mas eu quero ver até quão longe estes instintos irão afectar a minha vida diária no futuro.

 

E, por último, mais empatia. Eu tenho sentido a necessidade de ter a certeza que as pessoas pelo qual me preocupo estão bem. E, quando não estão, ter a certeza que ficarão bem. Ou de partilhar o seu sofrimento. Principalmente, apoio emocional e até por vezes preocupar-me se as pessoas comeram. A incapacidade de ver uma cirurgia na TV ou na internet. De sentir-me preocupada quando alguém expõe uma ferida à minha frente, a vontade e necessidade de estar perto e demonstrar a minha preocupação para com a pessoa..

.. Eu precisava desta mudança emocional e eu sei que isto apenas continuará a expandir-se mais tarde assim que começar a consumir Estrogénio. Eu sei que este aspecto em particular ainda está na sua infância e que só é apenas demonstrado em momentos muito exclusivos e específicos.

 

 

 

Últimas palavras:

Este tem sido um mês longo. E eu não estou a dizer isso para fazer uma alusão não-muito-inteligente no que diz respeito ao meu atraso com esta actualização! Senti que foi um mês comprido em comparação com os outros dois meses. É provável que seja pelo facto de que fiquei doente por uns dias (nem chegou a fazer uma semana inteira), devido às mudanças drásticas entre a primavera e o inverno de momento e as descidas e subidas de temperatura repentinas de um dia para o outro. Eu não sei o quanto é que o meu tratamento hormonal vai afectar a minha alergia (rinite) durante esta primavera mas eu não penso que irá existir problemas. Eu poderei estar errada porque, desta vez, quando eu estive doente durante este mês, eu tenho sentido alguns dos efeitos secundários de maneira diferente. Portanto, sei lá?

 

Eu não tenho muitas previsões para o próximo mês. Eu acredito que não existirá mais mudanças radicais a partir daqui.. até que comece a consumir Estrogénio a partir de Maio. Apesar de tudo, eu tenho a certeza que irá ser mais ou menos a mesma coisa, aperfeiçoamento das coisas já descritas aqui e anteriormente nas outras actualizações mensais.

Se isso for o caso, irei ter que improvisar algo divertido para manter a atenção das pessoas que lêem estes posts de actualização~

Obrigada e vejo-vos no o próximo mês!

 

Pages:

[English and Portuguese] One year later… and still shunned

 

(Para quem não sabe ler Inglês, a versão em Português encontra-se no final)

 

ENGLISH

 

Good evening.

 

This blog post is going to be a little different, for it has been a year since I’ve been disfellowshipped from the Jehovah Witnesses.

No, it’s not going to be written in the same fashion as my open letter to that cult. That one had some form of debatable humor and snarkiness. The emotions were there for that kind of writing, which I half regret. Not because I don’t think they deserve it.. but because it may have came across as hostile. Not this time.. I don’t want to be wrongly labeled as an apostate, since I respect their faith (even though I no longer believe in it).

 

I wasn’t considering doing anything of the sorts as this blog post, an “anniversary” post. There’s nothing really to celebrate here, but only to reflect. But something happened on the 13th March this year.. almost on the 15th March (which was the day and month I got disfellowshipped, back in 2016). My family tried to emotionally manipulate me. A simple action that brought me to tears when I was tricked and shown my former best friend, a Jehovah Witness. And then victim blamed by my own family, that I’m the one to blame for the shunning. The one to blame for the fact that my former best friend won’t talk to me. That my friend.. and all the people I once knew and talked to since I was child, I’m the one that knew the consequences when I was baptized at the age of 11. That, after baptism, if I decided to walk my own path, I would be shunned.

I won’t go into detail about how it was when I was a Jehovah Witness. My open letter does a good job at making a quick summary. Instead, let us talk about how my life has been after that.

 

 

Obviously, I went ahead and continued with my goals. My transition is coming along quite well! I have gained a lot from it and will continue to attain even more happiness from it. Unfortunately, you won’t be around to witness it closely. Though that’s not really something that affects me that much. I can live with that sadness.. or should I call it for what it is? Pity. Some of you are such great individuals and it is sad to see that you have chosen to repress your humanity and critical thought because you have believed and you fear for a revengeful God that will smite you down in Armageddon unless you follow blindly the words of some men.

And no, I’m not trying to persuade anyone to abandon their faith, if that’s what they want to keep. I’m lamenting, since I do still love some of you very very much and I want you to be happy as well. Most of you suffer depression, I know. Such a burden, to abandon your own inner child just for a false sensation of fulfillment and unity. Yet, you are judged on every step you take. Never perfect enough, never doing enough to please the organization. Abandoning your jobs to do more preaching. Not resting enough. Always listening and hearing the same voices over and over, voices that you sometimes don’t even want to hear! But you have to, because you are in it together. Yet you listen to men that have no idea how the human mind works, instead of the psychologists and psychiatrists who went to college to get their degrees. Degrees you don’t have, because you had to abandon everything to do even more, to be more perfect.

 

It’s fine.. I’ve looked back less and less along the year. Except for the last few months but that’s obviously because there has been a few.. emotional and psychological changes. Plus, you have been provoking me, by using my parents. Emotional blackmail, manipulation.. you know I love my family more than anything else. I am thankful, very grateful that, despise everything, you have allowed me to stay with my parents. However, I would be lying if I didn’t say that it has become a major fear of mine that, one day, a group of elders is going to pressure my parents to kick me out of the house.

As I’ve mentioned on the open letter, I have a few theories as to why. Maybe it’s because of the economic crisis we are facing here in this European country, thus you realize that I just can’t survive on my own, with the kind of money I earn.. even with a job. Maybe it’s because you think that I’m insane, given your ignorance about my own predicament that you have avoided to do some research about.. since the world is “controlled by Satan” and thus everything that goes against your believes must be wrong and manipulative, period! Or maybe because you have hope that my parents will be able to persuade me, to come back. After all, I was someone quite dear to a lot of the local Jehovah Witnesses on this area.

Or maybe.. you do have a heart. Maybe you do realize that there is something not quite right with the way things were handled. After all, my family left the congregation and joined another on a different area.. just a few months after the announcement. I know they were unhappy with how things were “solved” in that previous congregation. And I agree, even for Jehovah Witnesses standards, you dealt with my own case sooo poorly and sourly! You just wanted to strip away my father’s privilegies, didn’t you? And once that was done, you acted more formally.. less preoccupied. It’s like you no longer cared that much for what happened afterwards. That is.. until the congregation got new elders, then they were the ones that got worried and that’s when I was disfellowshipped.

But hey, my parents are happier in the new congregation. Good on them! They are in their 60’s, they deserve a calmer and simpler life from now on. And I’m sure some of those elders from the former congregation are happier too without us. Can’t say the same about some of the local baptized publishers.. .. hmm.

 

 

To conclude this blog post, I want to talk about what made me decide, on the last second, to write this blog post instead of getting ahead with my third month update (as in, related to my transition). I’m sorry, but this became a sudden priority over that post. I’ll write a late third month update on the next weekend though!

It’s good to note that this was quite coincidental. It’s the 13rd of March, as I write this. Translating all of this to Portuguese on the 14th. I didn’t had this planned on my mind at all, even though I was aware that we were near the 15th of March.. and the meaning behind that day. Actually, funny story. I was baptized on the 15th of February 2002. Disfellowshipped on the 15th of March 2016. I also started my transition on the 15th of December 2016. The number 15 is starting to symbolize something in my life, at least that’s the pattern! Anyway..

 

It was a Monday. I left work a bit early because, again, I had yet another appointment. It makes me feel bad for having to leave work sometimes, because of health related aspects. Fortunately, the people I answer to, they know it’s simply something I have to do. To go. So I left, to travel home and eat before the appointment. It was important to eat before this appointment, for reasons that I will not go into detail.

I had little time to be at home. However, after eating dinner, I found myself around 10 minutes to sit on the living room before walking off to my appointment. My parents were there, I was checking on my phone and messaging a friend of mine.

Suddenly, my father calls for my attention and I gaze over to what he wanted to show me. From afar, I saw the face of someone I haven’t seen for years.. my former best friend, a Jehovah Witness that lives in the United States, California (near LA). I couldn’t see her face properly from afar, the quality of the youtube video he was showing was bad and I do need better glasses (I’m short-sighted).. but I knew that face. I narrowed my eyes because I couldn’t believe that I was watching her. But then, from his headphones, I heard her singing and playing the piano. She loved playing the piano.. and singing.

My heart felt, together with a longing feeling of nostalgia. I had to look away.. acted dismissively to what my father was trying to show me. “I don’t want to see that.. why are you showing me this?” But even though I wasn’t looking, he didn’t lower the volume from his headphones. I could still hear her. I had to look back.. telling him to lower the sound. I had to repeat that a good number of times, because he didn’t hear me or didn’t understood me. Until I had to say “I don’t want to hear or see that as long I’m in this room, please.. get that video away from me.”

He acted offended.. probably because I somehow raised my voice and sounded like I was ordering him, instead of understanding that what he was showing was causing me distress. But he turned it off, and I reluctantly thanked him.

 

In that brief silence, I started to remember the good moments I had with her.

The things we talked, the things we laughed about. Of the things we shared, the things that made me suffer, the things that made her suffer. Her goals, my goals. All over the internet.. until I went on a vacation by myself to LA, in August/September 2010.

For three weeks, I slept and shared her family’s house. I hardly spent a dollar, except for the plane tickets I bought to get there and later come back, a meal or two at best, one souvenir and Disneyland tickets that I bought for myself and her (it was the minimal I could do, considering how much I saved money from everything). The people I’ve met, her friends. The places we went together, the memories. The silly things she and I did..

Her family was awesome as well! Her parents treated me like one of their own children. Even at one time, when I started to lose my senses after the first week, when we were out having dinner with a large group of people that were their friends. I was aided back to their car and was treated with special care until I lied in bed to sleep and recover (extremely long travels affect you). Her younger sister, a delight and polite child back then (must be a teen right now).

When I tried to mimic their Spanish accent (She was American, but her parents were Mexican immigrants), so that I could be able to read their language correctly. When they asked me to sing in my own language.. and I did horribly but they were fascinated anyway because they were hearing Portuguese straight out of a Portuguese native in their own backyard on a summer night.

When the last day came and I cried.. tears of both happiness and also of sadness. Because I wouldn’t be able to see them anytime soon. But a promise was formed, they were going to visit Portugal in 2012 during their planed European trip.. and they did.

Two years after, I saw them again face to face in my own house. They didn’t pay for much, just the same way I didn’t pay for a lot when I was there. The amazing car travel we did between Portugal to Barcelona (Spain), for them to catch their cruise across the Mediterranean Sea and visit a few other European Countries. Such an adventure, I had my driver licence less than a year and still I drove, with my father leading the way in his own car.. given that we brought two cars for the two families and they couldn’t drive in Europe.

The tan I’ve gained from that trip that lasted me a full year (not even joking). The things we talked again, the laughter and the jokes. I still remember very well when we were close to Madrid, a 100 KM long slow traffic to reach it, lasted four to five hours. An elderly Spanish family was looking at us, in their own car next to us. They smiled at us.. but the man sneezed. My friend turned to me, saying that he was probably allergic to youth. For some reason.. that made me laugh for 30 minutes to the point that everyone in the car felt awkward about it. I was laughing.. because I was happy. I didn’t wanted it to end..

But it ended, when we reached Barcelona. Both my family and theirs shared hugs, tears.. and a promise was left in the air. That next time, my whole family would visit the US, instead of just me…

That last promise.. it never happened.

 

She got herself busy, trying to get a job after finishing her education. Then started to dedicate herself more to what used to be the same believes as mine. She started to learn other languages, to become a better publisher.

I came out to her, about my own predicament. She was there, she listened.. though her advises weren’t exactly helpful. But her attention was. Her intentions were good.

She shared more of her own worries, about how some of her close friends and even crushes were getting disfellowshipped, or moving elsewhere to another congregation or country. This.. at a time that I knew it was eventually going to happen to me. I knew I was going to make her suffer more.. but I comforted her, said the things a Jehovah Witness always says in these situations. She thanked me..

That was the last meaningful talk we had. She got herself too busy and, after that encounter, I stopped answering her messages too. I wanted our bond to fade away slowly with time, before the inevitable. So that we could both.. maybe suffer less.

When I was disfellowshipped, by coincidence, she decided to reactivate her Facebook account just a few days afterward. She always said that Facebook was a distraction for her spiritual goals, but now that I look back, I believe Facebook reminded her of those friends she had lost in her life. She didn’t know.. she didn’t know I was disfellowshipped. She started interacting with my posts on Facebook.. and I had to tell her.

Her reaction and the last words I’ve heard from her, over at Facebook:

“I understand… I appreciate you informing me… Unless you decide to change your mind later on, I must now say goodbye. Goodbye.”

 

It was over, because I told her I was disfellowshipped. She suffered, the same way she suffered when all of those former friends moved on with their lives elsewhere or also got disfellowshipped.

And I too suffered.. and continue to suffer.

In the meantime, I’ve also learned that her mother got cancer. Of course, I couldn’t do anything about it. Not even send my best wishes to the family. I don’t know what type of cancer. I don’t know.. a lot.

 

When I heard her sing on youtube, when I saw her face.. the way she played the piano. It felt that she was in pain. I’ve felt that she was not only singing.. but she was releasing the pressure within. Or maybe.. it was all my imagination, that maybe I was the one in pain at that moment when all of those memories came to mind, projecting my emotions onto her. Maybe wishing that she, too, missed me.

 

 

After all that, I cried.. and all I’ve heard was my mother blaming me, that I shouldn’t be crying because I knew what was at play when I “decided” to walk my own path. Needless to say that we argued. And I obviously didn’t went to the appointment at the end..

 

… This is how shunning feels like. Tears, nostalgia, pity, loss, sadness, anger, rebellion. For a Jehovah Witness, you become less of a human, you are worst than dirt. You are a corpse that will never sink under the ground. Like a body that has been possessed by a demon, you are a walking mongrel that brings bad memories to the faithful and righteous Jehovah Witnesses. Completely selfish and evil. Your feelings don’t matter. What matters is that the Jehovah Witnesses suffer just by your presence. If you are suffering, it’s your fault.. no matter what. “You know what you did, it was a choice, you choose to abandon us. So you shouldn’t be crying and complaining.”, that’s what they’ll say.

 

You’re.. cruel, Watchtower. So very cruel! Using my friends and family as emotional blackmail.. how dare you.

 

 

P.S. I still have the gift my former friend gave to me when she visited me and my family in Portugal. It has been resting on my desk, always on a visible spot.

 

 

 

PORTUGUÊS

 

Boa tarde.

 

Este post vai ser um pouco diferente, visto que já fez um ano desde que fui desassociada das Testemunhas de Jeová.

Não, este post não vai ser escrito da mesma forma que a minha carta aberta para o culto. Aquele post continha algum humor e sarcasmo questionável. As emoções que tive no momento foram oportunas para esse estilo de escrita, pelo qual arrependo-me um pouco. Não porque pense que eles não o mereceram.. mas porque poderia ter sido interpretado como uma mensagem hostil. Desta vez não.. eu não quero ser acusada erradamente de ser uma apóstata, porque respeito a fé deles (apesar de a não compartilhar).

 

Eu não estava a considerar fazer algo de especial como este post de blog, um post de “aniversário”. Não existe grandes motivos para celebrar, mas apenas para reflectir. Mas algo aconteceu no dia 13 de Março deste ano.. perto do dia 15 de Março (o dia e mês pelo qual fui desassociada, em 2016). A minha família tentou manipular-me em termos emocionais. Uma simples acção que me fez chorar visto que fui enganada a ver a minha antiga (melhor) amiga, uma Testemunha de Jeová.  E depois fui acusada pela minha própria família, de que eu é que tinha culpa das Testemunhas de Jeová evitarem qualquer tipo de contacto comigo. A culpada da minha amizade antiga não falar comigo. Que a minha amiga.. e todas as pessoas que conhecia e falava no passado desde a minha infância, eu sou aquela que sabia as consequências quando fui baptizada aos 11 anos de idade. De que, depois do baptismo, se eu decidi-se caminhar o meu próprio caminho, que toda a comunicação seria cortada com as Testemunhas de Jeová.

Eu não irei detalhar o meu passado quando era uma Testemunha de Jeová. A minha carta aberta faz um bom resumo. Em vez disso, vamos falar de como tem sido a minha vida após a sentença.

 

 

Obviamente, eu continuei com os meus objectivos. A minha transição tem corrido bastante bem! Eu estou a ganhar muito com este tratamento e irei continuar a adquirir ainda mais motivos para sentir-me feliz. Infelizmente, as Testemunhas de Jeová não irão presenciar essas mudanças positivas de perto. Mas não é algo que me afecta assim tanto. Eu consigo viver bem com essa tristeza.. ou será que deveria chamar este sentimento pelo nome correcto? Pena. Alguns de vocês são indivíduos maravilhosos e é bastante triste ver que vocês escolheram reprimir a vossa própria humanidade e pensamento crítico porque vocês preferem acreditar e de ter receio de ser punidos por um Deus vingativo durante o Armagedom, a não ser que sigam de perto e cegamente um grupo de homens imperfeitos como o resto.

E não, não vou persuadir ninguém a abandonar a sua fé, se é isso que querem manter. Eu lamento, porque eu ainda amo alguns de vocês e desejo a vossa felicidade também. Alguns de vocês sofrem de depressão, eu sei. O peso, de terem abandonado a criança que vive em vocês apenas para obterem uma falsa sensação de realização e de fraternidade. Mesmo assim, vocês são julgados por tudo aquilo que fazem e dizem. Nunca suficientemente perfeitos, nunca fazendo o suficiente para a organização. Abandonando os vossos trabalhos para pregar ainda mais. Falta de descanço. Sempre a ouvir as mesmas vozes vez após vez, vozes que até mesmo nem querem ouvir mais! Mas têm que ouvir, porque estão unidos na fé. Apesar de terem que ouvir a homens que não fazem a menor idea de como a mente humana funciona, em vez de ouvirem os psicólogos e psiquiatras que estudaram nas suas universidades para obterem o diploma. Diplomas que não tem, porque tiveram que abandonar tudo para fazerem ainda mais, para serem mais perfeitos.

 

Não há problema.. eu tenho olhado menos para trás ao longo deste ano. Excepto nestes últimos meses mas isso é porque obviamente tem existo algumas.. mudanças emocionais e psicológicas. Ainda mais, vocês tem estado a provocar-me, usando os meus pais. Chantagem emocional, manipulação.. vocês sabem bem que eu amo a minha família acima de tudo. Eu estou grata, muito grata que, apesar de tudo, vocês permitiram que eu fica-se com os meus pais. Mas estaria a mentir por omissão se não dissesse que um dos meus maiores medos tornou-se a possibilidade de, um dia, um grupo de anciãos decida pressionar os meus pais para mandar-me fora de casa.

Como mencionei na carta aberta que escrevi, eu tenho algumas teorias pelo qual vocês decidiram assim. Poderá ser devido às condições económicas deploráveis que vivemos no nosso pais Europeu, logo sabem que eu nunca conseguiria sobreviver por conta própria, com o dinheiro que ganho.. mesmo com um trabalho. Também poderá ser porque acreditem que sou maluca, devido à vossa ignorância com respeito ao meu dilema, pelo qual não fizeram a vossa pesquisa.. visto que o mundo é “controlado por Satanás” e logo tudo o que vai contra as vossas crenças deve ser errado e manipulativo, ponto final! Ou se calhar porque vocês tem esperança que os meus pais irão convencer-me, para voltar à organização. Afinal de contas, eu fui alguém muito querida para muitas Testemunhas de Jeová nesta localidade.

Ou se calhar.. vocês até tem um coração. Poderá ser que tenham percebido que algo não esteve bem na forma pelo qual o meu assunto foi manejado por vocês. É bom notar que a minha família saiu da congregação e juntaram-se a outra numa localidade diferente.. apenas alguns meses depois do anúncio. Eu sei que eles ficaram tristes com a forma como as coisas foram “lidadas” na congregação anterior. E concordo, mesmo de acordo com os princípios que as Testemunhas de Jeová seguem, vocês lidaram mal com o meu caso, com frieza! Vocês queriam apenas retirar os privilégios do meu Pai, não é? E assim que o fizeram, vocês agiram de forma mais formal.. com menos preocupação e cuidado. Até parece que vocês não queriam mesmo saber do que poderia acontecer após isso. Isso é.. até que a congregação recebeu novos anciãos, então aí sim ouve preocupação, acabando na minha desassociação.

Mas não há problema, há males que vem para o bem, os meus pais são mais felizes na nova congregação. Ainda bem para eles! Eles já estão nos seus 60’s, eles merecem uma vida muito mais simples e calma a partir daqui. E tenho a certeza que alguns desses anciãos da congregação antiga até estão contentes sem nós. Não posso dizer o mesmo com respeito a alguns dos publicadores baptizados.. .. hmm.

 

 

Para concluir este post de blog, eu quero falar acerca daquilo que me fez decidir, no último segundo, escrever este post em vez de adiantar a terceira actualização mensal (isto é, no que diz respeito à minha transição). Peço desculpa, mas isto tornou-se uma maior prioridade. Eu irei escrever essa actualização tardia no próximo fim de semana!

É bom notar que isto foi uma pura coincidência. É dia 13 de Março, neste preciso momento. Traduzindo tudo para português no dia 14. Eu não tinha planeado nada, apesar de estar consciente que estamos perto do dia 15 de Março.. e o significado desse dia. Aliás, curiosamente, eu baptizei-me no dia 15 de Fevereiro de 2002. Desassociada no dia 15 de Março de 2016. Eu também comecei o meu tratamento no dia 15 de Dezembro de 2016. O número 15 está a conter um significado especial na minha vida, pelo menos é esse o padrão! De qualquer forma..

 

Foi uma segunda feira. Eu saí mais cedo do trabalho porque, de novo, tinha uma marcação. Sinto-me culpada o ter que sair do trabalho assim tantas vezes, por motivos de saúde. Felizmente, as pessoas pelo qual lido no local de trabalho, elas sabem bem que é algo que tenho de fazer. De ir. Por isso eu saí, para voltar a casa e comer antes da marcação. Era bastante importante comer antes da marcação, por motivos que não vou entrar em detalhe.

Eu tive pouco tempo para estar em casa. Mesmo assim, depois do jantar, eu consegui arranjar 10 minutos para sentar-me na sala antes de ter que sair. Os meus pais estavam lá e eu estava a ver o meu telemóvel, a escrever para uma amiga minha.

De repente, o meu pai chama-me, pedindo atenção. Eu dou-lhe, olhando para aquilo que ele queria mostrar. De longe, eu vi a cara de uma pessoa que já não vejo à alguns anos.. a minha melhor amiga, de outros tempos. Uma Testemunha de Jeová que vive nos Estados Unidos, Califórnia (perto de Los Angeles). Eu não consegui enxergar bem a cara dela, a qualidade do vídeo do youtube que ele estava a mostrar era mau e eu estou mesmo a precisar de uns óculos novos (sou míope).. mas eu reconheci a cara. Eu ajustei a minha visão porque eu nem estava a acreditar que estava a ver a ela. Mas, dos headphones do meu pai, eu ouvi ela cantar e a tocar o piano. Ela amava tocar o piano.. e também de cantar.

O meu coração caiu-me aos pés, juntamente com as saudades. Eu tive que olhar para outra direcção.. agir de forma desconsiderada ao que o meu pai estava a tentar mostrar-me. “Eu não quero ver isso.. porque é que estás a mostrar-me isto?” Mas mesmo apesar de não estar a olhar, ele não baixou o som dos headphones. Ainda conseguia ouvi-la. Eu tive que olhar de volta.. para dizer-lhe para abaixar o som. Eu tive que repetir várias vezes, porque ele não tinha-me ouvido ou não tinha percebido. Até que tive de dizer “Eu não quero ver ou ouvir isso enquanto estiver nesta divisão, por favor.. tira esse video da minha frente.”

Ele agiu de forma ofendida.. provavelmente porque eu aumentei o tom da minha voz e isso deve ter sido interpretado como uma ordem, em vez de ser entendido como um momento de aflição associado ao que ele estava a mostrar-me. Mas ele pausou o video, e eu relutantemente agradeci-lhe.

 

Naquele momento de silêncio, eu relembrei-me dos bons momentos que tive com ela.

As coisas que falámos, as coisas pelo qual nos fizeram rir. As coisas que partilhámos, as coisas que fizerem-me sofrer, as coisas que fizeram-lhe sofrer. Os meus alvos, os alvos dela. Tudo pela internet.. até que fui de férias sozinha para Los Angeles em Agosto/Setembro de 2010.

Durante três semanas, eu dormi e partilhei a mesma casa que a família dela. Eu mal gastei um cêntimo, excepto o dinheiro que gastei nos bilhetes de avião, uma refeição ou duas, um souvenir e dois bilhetes para a Disneyland que comprei para mim e para ela (era o mínimo que poderia fazer, considerando o dinheiro que poupei com quase tudo). As pessoas que conheci, as amizades dela. Os locais que fomos juntas, as memórias. As tolices que ela e eu fizemos..

A família dela também foi um espanto! Eles trataram-me como se fosse filha deles. Mesmo naquela vez, quando comecei a perder os meus sentidos após a primeira semana, quando estávamos a jantar fora juntamente com um grupo enorme de pessoas que eram amigos deles. Fui ajudada de volta para o carro deles, tratada com carinho e preocupação até ao momento que deitei-me numa cama para dormir e recuperar (as viagens longas afectam as pessoas). A irmã mais nova, um amor e muito bem educada (agora uma adolescente sem dúvida).

Quando eu tentei imitar o sotaque Espanhol-Mexicano deles (Ela era Americana, mas os pais dela eram Mexicanos imigrantes), para conseguir ler a língua deles correctamente. Quando eles pediram para cantar na minha própria língua.. pelo qual fiz horrivelmente mas eles estavam fascinados porque eles estavam a ouvir Português directamente de uma Portuguesa nativa, no quintal deles durante uma noite de verão.

Quando chegou o último dia e eu chorei.. lágrimas de alegria e de tristeza também. Porque eu não iria os ver durante muito tempo. Mas foi feita uma promessa, de que eles iriam visitar Portugal em 2012 durante a sua viagem de sonhos pela Europa.. e eles o fizeram.

Dois anos depois, eu os vi de novo cara a cara na minha própria casa. Eles não pagaram muito, tal e qual como eu não paguei muito enquanto eu estive lá. A viagem de carro maravilhosa que fizemos entre Portugal e Barcelona (Espanha), para eles apanharem o cruzeiro que iria viajar pelo Mar Mediterrâneo e visitar alguns países da Europa. Uma aventura única, eu tinha a minha carta de condução à menos de um ano e mesmo assim conduzi, com o meu pai a liderar no próprio carro dele.. visto que as duas famílias foram juntas e eles não podiam conduzir na Europa.

O bronze que adquiri naquela viagem que durou um ano inteiro (não estou a brincar). As coisas que falámos de novo, as gargalhadas e as piadas. Eu ainda me lembro bem quando estávamos perto de Madrid, a 100 KM e com uma fila lenta à nossa frente que durou entre quatro a cinco horas. O casal Espanhol idoso a olhar para nós, no seu próprio carro ao lado de nós. Eles a sorrirem para a nossa direcção.. até que o homenzinho espirrou. A minha amiga virou-se para mim, dizendo que ele provavelmente era alérgico à juventude. Por qualquer razão.. isso me fez rir durante 30 minutos ao ponto que toda a gente no carro sentiu-se embaraçado com a situação. Eu ria-me.. porque sentia-me feliz. Eu não queria que essa felicidade acaba-se..

Mas chegou a acabar, quando chegamos a Barcelona. As nossas famílias abraçaram-se, partilharam lágrimas.. e uma promessa ficou no ar. Que para a próxima vez, a minha família inteira iria visitar os Estados Unidos, em vez de apenas eu…

Essa última promessa.. nunca foi comprida.

 

Ela ficou ocupada, a tentar arranjar um emprego após o curso. Depois ela começou a dedicar mais tempo naquilo que pelo qual ambas acreditávamos. Ela começou a aprender outras línguas, para se tornar uma publicadora melhor.

Eu falei-lhe com respeito ao meu dilema. Ela esteve lá, a ouvir.. apesar dos conselhos dela não serem de grande ajuda. Mas a atenção dela ajudou. As intenções eram boas.

Ela partilhou mais as coisas que lhe preocupavam, acerca das amizades próximas que ela tinha e até mesmo paixonetas que foram desassociadas, ou mudaram para outra congregação ou país. Isto.. numa altura em que eu já sabia que o mesmo me iria acontecer cedo ou mais tarde. Eu sabia que iria fazê-la sofrer mais.. mas eu dei o apoio moral e emocional que ela necessitava, dizendo as coisas que uma Testemunha de Jeová diria numa situação dessas. Ela agradeceu-me..

Essa foi a última conversa significativa que tivemos. Ela continuou a ocupar-se e, depois daquele momento, eu também deixei de responder às mensagens dela. Eu queria que a nossa amizade fosse quebrando aos poucos com o tempo, antes do inevitável. Para que ambas pudéssemos talvez.. sofrer menos.

Quando fui desassociada, por coincidência, ela decidiu reactivar o Facebook dela uns dias depois. Ela sempre dizia que o Facebook era uma distracção para os alvos espirituais dela, mas agora que olho para atrás, eu acredito agora que o Facebook lhe fazia relembrar das amizades que ela foi perdendo ao longo da vida. Ela não sabia.. ela não sabia que tinha sido desassociada. Ela começou a interagir com os meus posts no Facebook.. e eu tive que lhe dizer.

A reacção dela e as últimas palavras que ouvi dela, por Facebook:

“Eu percebo… eu agradeço o teres informado a mim… A não ser que decidas mais tarde mudar de ideias, eu tenho que te dizer adeus. Adeus.”

 

E acabou assim, porque lhe disse que tinha sido desassociada. Ela sofreu, da mesma forma que ela sofreu quando todas as outras amizades seguiram as suas vidas ou também foram desassociados.

E eu também sofri.. e continuo a sofrer.

Durante este tempo, eu vim a saber que a mãe dela tem cancro. Claro, eu não podia fazer nada com relação a isso. Nem sequer enviar os meus melhores desejos para a família. Eu não sei que tipo de cancro ela tem. Eu não sei.. muita coisa.

 

Quando eu ouvi-a cantar no youtube, quando eu vi a cara dela.. a forma que ela tocava o piano. Eu senti que ela estava a sofrer. Eu senti que ela não estava apenas a cantar.. mas que estava a livrar-se da pressão dentro dela. Ou se calhar.. foi tudo minha imaginação, se calhar eu era a pessoa que estava a sofrer naquele momento quando aquelas memórias vieram ao de cima, projectando as minhas emoções nela. Se calhar desejando que ela, também, senti-se minha falta.

 

 

Depois disso tudo, eu chorei.. e tudo o que ouvi foi a minha mãe a culpar-me, de que eu não deveria estar a chorar porque eu sabia bem o que estava em risco quando eu “decidi” caminhar o meu próprio caminho. Escusado dizer que nós discutimos. E eu obviamente já nem compareci para a marcação que tinha..

 

… Isto é o que uma pessoa sente após uma desassociação. Lágrimas, saudades, pena, perda, raiva, revolta. Para uma Testemunha de Jeová, tu perdeste o valor como uma criatura humana, és pior que o pó do chão. Tu és como cadáver que nunca mais volta para a terra. Como um corpo possuído por um demónio, tu és uma desgraça que transporta as más memórias cada vez que uma Testemunha de Jeová fiel e reto olha para ti. Completamente egoísta e má. Os teus sentimentos não importam. O que importa é que as Testemunhas de Jeová é que sofrem pela tua presença. Se estás a sofrer, a culpa é tua.. não importa o que se diga ou faça. “Tu sabes bem o que fizeste, foi uma escolha, tu escolheste nos abandonar. Portanto nem devias estar a chorar e a queixar-te.”, isto é o que eles te dirão sempre.

 

Vocês são.. cruéis, Watchtower. Tão tão cruéis! Usando as minhas amizades e família como chantagem emocional.. como se atrevem.

 

 

P.S. Eu ainda tenho o presente que a minha antiga amiga me deu quando ela e a família dela visitaram-me a mim e a minha família em Portugal. Tem estado na minha secretária, sempre num local visível.

Pages:

[English and Portuguese] Transitioning – Second Month Update

 

(Para quem não sabe ler Inglês, a versão em Português encontra-se no final)

  • 1st Month/ 1º Mês – Link

 

ENGLISH

 

It’s that time of the month and another blog post’s in the making!

When I made the first post about my HRT, I received some positive feedback. Which has given me enough reason to continue and make this a monthly update! Overall, people are curious as to how much HRT affects an MtF Transgender. Both psychologically and physically. I’ve also heard someone saying that these blog posts allow them to witness the differences between a man and a woman, personality wise. Though I somehow disagree with the way that sentence was presented to me, I can understand how someone would look at it that way… which is fine, I guess.

 

As I write this, it’s the 59th day, I’ve already taken the 59th Anti-Androgen. I had time, it’s weekend and I’m already writing a few things ahead to finish it tomorrow, on the 60th day and 60th Anti-Androgen. Most of the changes since last time were, to no surprise, psychological and emotional. And oh my, what changes! Physically, there’s little to say, though there is still a few things to point out. Perhaps, this time, I’ll write up the physical aspects first.. since it’s short and quicker!

 

 

Physical changes:

Physically, my weight remained the same after the sudden drop to 77 KG’s. There are some days that I have 76 KG’s. It seems that it settled between those two numbers, which is perfect for me, considering my height. Wouldn’t want it much lower or, worse, higher.

There has been some minor fat redistribution. I don’t know what exactly happened, if it’s the lost of muscle mass (since I’ve felt a little lost on my physical strength on a few minor trivial day to day activities.. such has opening doors) or just overall fat redistribution. I feel my waist has remained somehow the same but, on the other hand, my hips are the ones getting most of the fat nowadays. Honestly? If I was an average cisgender woman, I would definitely have a pear body shape. Since I’m not cisgendered, I think that, with time, I’ll reach an hourglass figure. Or, if not, something quite close to it. All I know is, when I eat, everything goes down to the hips rather than my waist/stomach!

Overall, despise the fact that I’m getting thinner on certain areas and rounder on others, I feel fatter! Though I’m sure that’s just how it’s supposed to be so I’m getting used to it. I feel my chest is also getting bigger on a rather subtle note? But it could be because, from my perspective, my waist is slightly thinner, which makes my chest area look bigger than before. I’m not really sure but something changed and has made it so that my chest looks a “liiiiil’bit bigger”.

My skin feels.. different also. Smoother. Less rough. It could be because of the laser sessions I’ve been having.. so it’s best not to assume things. There’s already been quite a few changes in a short period of time, which is fantastic!

Also, all the pains I’ve described on the first month? Yeah, those are gone. Maybe those were not related to my HRT and it was all a major coincidence.

 

 

Psychological changes:

This is perhaps where all the major changes have been happening thus far. I will be far more nuanced with my ardent exposure of those same changes.

Most of you simply have no idea how it feels, how fulfilling it feels! For my whole life, given my own predicament; my gender dysphoria has given me, mixed with my own natural outlook in life and own subconscious, a few personality issues. The feeling that you can’t reach a satisfying personality.. and you keep trying to reach a state of being where you are happy with who you are, emotionally and mentally. The feeling that you know exactly who you are, you know what you are capable, you know yourself too much.. but, for some reason, there’s something that stops you from reaching the same personality traits you know you have locked in somewhere in your heart and mind.

You are.. incomplete, unsatisfied. Frustrated. And now.. in mere two months of HRT, you finally gain access to those same things you knew you had within you. You are free. You.. are finally starting to be.. you! There’s less weight and you feel like you can finally experience the world that was around you the whole time. You can finally react, think, act.. the way you knew you always would if it weren’t for the bizarre chains that kept you down. The chains that didn’t allow you to express your true self. Freedom, laughter. You are now happier in general, even though you now cry far more. Nothing is holding back the tears and the emotions that you always felt. The invisible gag is no longer there, people will be able to hear you now. It feels.. soooo goooood!

 

It’s true, I’ve been crying more in general. Sure, more based on the less pleasant daily events that come and go.. but also happy tears! I’ve cried more in a week than the whole previous year (2016).. and I’m glad I can finally cry when the emotions are there. I’m not on estrogen yet but I believe that I’m going to be quite a crybaby once I get there.. which is fine. I already knew I had it within me.

 

Even my creativity has been affected by HRT. Though I wasn’t sure what was wrong with me given how I spent the entire month of January without knowing what to draw and, once finally deciding on what to draw, I’ve been failing to reproduce the art style that people have been familiar with… I now know why. Because my dreams are different. I no longer have the same dreams that I used to have, which is a big deal! Since creativity comes from dreams, from one’s imagination, perspective, understanding and mental state. If my dreams are different, among other things, then it’s no wonder that the artist that I once was is.. also gone!

I thought I was going to be sadder about losing a talent but I’m not! I think this will be a fine opportunity to take things slowly, find myself has an artist again and take the chance to change my art style.

My dreams are far less.. action based. Less violent. I used to wake up, thinking why was I dreaming such things. I didn’t enjoy most of my dreams. Those were abstract in nature, based on things that I wasn’t even sure. And the things I knew they were based of, I was disgusted with myself. The best nights spent where the ones I didn’t knew what I dreamed of, or dreaming about nostalgic encounters with people I once considered friends.

Now, my dreams are, has I said, less action based. Less violent. The transition (haaaaa!) between sleep and waking up is far smoother, even on those nights between work days where I sleep less and, therefore, wake up tired. No longer questionable dreams! Though I can’t exactly remember any dream in specific, I know that my dreams are now mostly based on social gatherings. Talking, imagining people that I know encountering with others. Sometimes confrontation and drama, which transpires a feeling of uncertainty and emergency. My dreams have been.. lovely. Calmer. I quite enjoy dreaming now, even when it’s not a lucid one. In fact, I haven’t had a lucid dream since I’ve started my HRT. Those where somehow more frequent before!

 

I’ve also been sharing and expressing more the things that I feel. I don’t exactly know what drives me to do so but part of me just lost the shame in informing people about a good number of things. That’s nice.. though I do worry if I’m oversharing when I tell people one thing or another. Oh well.. doesn’t matter. I’m happy either way.

 

There also has been a few changes in the way that I react towards people in general when I feel they are doing something wrong or bad in general towards me. Of course, as much some people don’t really enjoy hearing this, it ends up being true in my case. I’m more sensitive, words have more power now than they used to and those are capable of doing some damage.

I already knew that, I was always sensitive. Certain words, expressions and behaviors always wounded me one way or another. People, their personalities, their intentions. I was always someone who could easily read people’s personality and intentions like an open book. There’s very little that goes unnoticed with me, and I always hated people who think they can get away with so many things. They cannot, I’m well aware of most things that happen on my surroundings. Even when not looking, even when not told. The words not spoken, the things that are told instead. The tone of the voice, the childish behavior that some people have when they are trying to hide something from me. I always knew and felt those things… trust me. I never forget and I easily connect behaviors with events that seem unrelated, much like web of patterns. And it always been most people’s mistake for thinking that my overall passivity means that I’m oblivious. A fair mistake, given my overall perpetual saint/innocent-looking face and mannerisms, but it has never been the case.

Before, I would try to take a more logical approach and evaluate the situation. If it was not the first time the person had done such a thing and the person showed no remorse, though I no longer would hold any love for said person, I would consider to stay near and wait and see where things were heading if the person continued down that path. Out of amusement, or because I wanted to be near when the inevitable came and, perhaps, do something about it for a change. Or, if I really held no regard for the person after the things done and said (and didn’t really cared for the person’s “fate”), abandon them if possible. I never had issues doing that to people I don’t fully like. Or, if somehow, despise everything, they were still somehow useful for my own interests, keep them around until they are no longer useful. A fair deal, for those that abuse their luck when mistreating me.

But something changed. I’m less tolerant towards those that wound me. I can no longer hold the same mindset I used to. Though I still maintain the same ability, to read people’s personalities and intentions quite easily (even from those that think they are quite clever. Those tend to be the most amusing to deal with… /sarcasm), I can no longer remain quiet. Or, if I do remain quiet, I somehow transpire my disapproval or mood one way or another. Unable to conceal what I feel towards a situation, even in silence when the person is near. I just.. can’t fully conceal, hold it perfectly has I used to. No matter who that person is. There’s this irrational and emotional need to make sure they have at least a sample of what I’m feeling, even without the use of subtle choice of words.. or words at all!

For me, this is great. For people who often act carelessly towards me personally.. this is somehow bad news, depending how much they value my words and presence in their lives. Sucks for them.

 

Given these changes that I’ve listed, there is one last thing that I want to, urgently, remind the people that I deal with daily/in Real Life.

Whenever you are for or against my transition. Whenever you understand or not. Whenever you consider me a woman be treated like any other or not. It matters not what you believe or feel towards my transition. The truth is, this transition is happening quite fast. Specially on an emotional level. If you do deal with me on a regular basis, my suggestion is, if you do care, if you already don’t do so, to start realizing that the person you knew until a month or two ago.. it is quickly “dying”.

Much is changing and I’ve noticed that the approach that some people have towards me, that always had, it.. no longer works. Quite the opposite, I’ve felt that some people have become quite toxic. Not because they’ve changed, but because I did. I’m not saying that you should treat me that differently either, as a precious flower that will tumble if even a breeze tickles one of the petals. I’m not becoming that frail and it would be terrible if people were afraid to even make a simple darndest joke around me! But I’ve noticed that some people say or act in a way that I may disapprove of.. and notice that, right afterwards, they hold no form of empathy and expect me to laugh at whatever clever joke they came up with after the quite defined slap. In the past, I could play along, despise the offense. Now I can no longer do that. If you slapped me, unironically, don’t pretend it didn’t happen. Do not expect me to “brush it off”, to “take it and shush”. I won’t, it’s personal. And remember, I don’t forget. And I only forgive those who actually and genuinely feel remorse.

And yes, I know the difference between having a bad day and “lashing out” on the nearest person.. and a bitch. The former being mostly understandable if it’s a rare occasion, deserving of some care and exchange of compassionate words. The latter is unacceptable in any shape and form. There’s plenty of people in this world, there’s no need to spend too much time with people who aren’t compatible just to fill a fictitious quota. One good friend is better than hundreds of fools that have been mistaken has friends just for a false sense of prevention against loneliness.

And no, absolutely no one gets a free jail card out of this reminder. I hope I made myself clear…

Or you could call it a phase. It’s fairly possible that this could be a “tantrum” provoked by someone that entered a pseudo form of puberty. I wouldn’t bet on it though because I do feel stable, more than ever before.

As long you are genuine and honest, we’ll get along just perfectly. Lie and abuse me often for your own selfish interests, and I’ll be gone as soon as I can. Simple.

 

I could go on about a few other psychological changes. But I’m afraid those are too confidential and too many!

 

 

Final Thoughts:

Though I’m sure there are some people feeling quite awkward after those last few paragraphs, which I apologize but there are some people that needed to receive that urgent reminder (despise all the warnings I gave them before the HRT, since I was foreseeing these psychological changes a mile away.. and it’s amazing how there have been a small number of people that think they are above those warnings. They are not and they’ll realize it the hard away), I do hope that you have enjoyed and/or gained the knowledge you needed to have a better understanding on HRT.

 

On my own personal life with my family, it has been amazing as well! Noticing my parents becoming accepting towards my transition, learning that even my father is finally understanding where this is heading and what it means for him as a father.. also accepting it. Things with my parents are turning out better than I’ve ever imagined, given the religious believes that separate us! In fact, so well that the things I thought would be impossible and a mere dream.. are coming true and will most likely happen, as far as my relationship with my family goes.

Though I’ve waited so long to start my transition, I do believe it wasn’t without any sort of benefit at the end. This is the benefit, giving my family time to understand, to meditate on the predicament.. instead of rushing and not trying to accept some of the religious demands (that would never work) that they have imposed and failed. They needed evidence and an example, they needed to do their research. They needed to see how much I was suffering for not doing my transition, in a way that it wouldn’t be possible to doubt that this path is the best solution. Those things take time, but it all pays off at the end. Patience, understanding and some temporary compliance. Choosing the right words, self disciple, it can soften the hearts of even the most zealots. Though I wasn’t able to “revolutionize” a religious doctrine, I was still able to have my family at the end. And that’s better than any type of “revolution” or “rebellion” made out of anger, selfishness and lack of empathy towards those who think differently, against a society that “abandoned” them. :’)

 

I do not know what to expect in the next 30 days. There have been a lot of changes and I think the other more drastic changes will occur at a much later stage (at the beginning of the 4th-5th month). Then again, given how fast things have been changing in these last two months, I am fairly certain that my body is being quite receptive towards the treatment. Just embracing everything that the therapy can do to change! Not many transgenders get that privilege and I acknowledge that, despise all odds, I’m still incredibly lucky! The odds were low.. on a lot of things that could had happened. But I do feel that I’m transitioning well~

Thank you and I’ll see you next month!

 

 

 

PORTUGUÊS

 

Chegamos ao fim de mais um mês e, portanto, chegou a altura de um novo post no meu blog!

Quando fiz o primeiro post com respeito ao meu Tratamento Hormonal, eu recebi algum feedback positivo. O que me deu a mim razões suficientes para continuar e fazer uma segunda actualização para mais um mês! De forma geral, as pessoas estão curiosas dos efeitos de um Tratamento Hormonal no que diz respeito a Transsexuais MtF. Tanto em sentido psicológico como físico. Também ouvi da parte de alguém de que estes posts de blog permitem com que as pessoas tenham mais consciência das diferenças entre um homem e uma mulher, em termos de personalidade. Apesar de discordar pela forma como essa observação foi apresentada, eu sou capaz de compreender esse estilo de mentalidade da parte de algumas pessoas.. o que não me faz importância se é isso que as pessoas pensam.

 

Ao escrever isto, estou no 59º dia, já consumi o 59º Anti-andrógeno. Tive tempo, neste fim de semana e já estou a adiantar algum texto para completar depois amanhã, no 60º dia e 60º Anti-andrógeno. Muitas das mudanças desde a última vez foram, para surpresa de ninguém, psicológicas e emocionais. E que mudanças! Fisicamente, à pouco que dizer, apesar de existirem algumas mudanças que merecem alguma atenção. Desta vez, irei descrever as mudanças físicas primeiro.. visto serem poucas e mais fáceis de listar.

 

 

Mudanças físicas:

Fisicamente, o meu peso manteve-se após a perda até aos 77 KG’s. Tem existido alguns dias em que o peso desce para os 76 KG’s. Portanto, o peso tem se oscilado entre esses dois números, o que é perfeito para mim, considerando a minha altura. Não ficaria bem com menos ou, pior ainda, mais.

Tem existido alguma redistribuição de gordura. Eu não sei ao certo o que aconteceu, se é porque a minha massa muscular tem diminuído (visto que sinto que perdi alguma força física em algumas das funções mais triviais do dia a dia.. como, por exemplo, ao abrir portas) ou apenas redistribuição de gordura. Eu sinto que a minha cintura permaneceu mais estreita mas, por outro lado, as minhas ancas são as que tem recebido a maior parte da gordura hoje em dia. Para dizer a verdade? Se fosse cisgénera, eu teria um formato pêra… sem dúvida. Mas como não sou, penso que, com o tempo, irei chegar a um formato ampulheta. Ou, se não for o caso, algo bastante parecido com tal. Apenas sei que, quando como, tudo vai parar as ancas em vez da minha cintura/estômago!

De forma geral, apesar de estar a ficar mais magra em algumas áreas e noutras redonda, eu sinto gorda! Apesar de ter a certeza de que este sentimento é normal e apenas terei que me habituar a tal, pelo que não tem sido muito difícil. Eu sinto que o meu peito também tem ganhado algum volume, de uma forma mais subtil? Mas pode ser que seja, na minha perspectiva, devido à cintura estar mais estreita, que a área do meu peito esteja maior que antes. Não tenho muito a certeza mas algum está diferente e isso tem feito com que o meu peito se pareça “um pouquinho maior”.

A minha pele também.. parece diferente. Mais suave. Menos irregular. Pode ser que seja das minhas sessões a laser… portanto seria bom não assumir coisas. Já tem existido muitas mudanças em pouco tempo, o que é fantástico!

Também, todas aquelas dores que descrevi no primeiro mês? Sim, essas já passaram. Se calhar não tinha nada a ver com o Tratamento Hormonal, uma coincidência.

 

 

Mudanças Psicológicas:

Esta talvez seja a fonte das muitas mudanças que tem acontecido até agora. Irei descrever essas mudanças de forma mais detalhada e mais emotiva na minha exposição das mesmas.

Muitos de vocês nunca saberão o que é sentir o que eu sinto, o quão realizada eu sinto agora! Durante toda a minha vida, devido ao meu dilema; à minha disforia de género, juntamente com a minha própria forma de viver e meu subconsciente, o surgimento de problemas na minha própria personalidade. O sentir que uma pessoa não consegue alcançar uma personalidade satisfatória.. e o tentar alcançar um estado em que sente-se feliz por aquilo que somos, emocionalmente e mentalmente. O sentir que tu sabes exactamente quem és, daquilo que és capaz, o conheceres a ti mesma tão bem.. mas, por alguma razão, existe algo que não te permite alcançar esses mesmos aspectos da tua personalidade, que estão escondidos algures no teu coração e mente.

Tu sentes.. incompleta, insatisfeita. Frustrada. E agora.. em apenas dois meses de Tratamento Hormonal, tu finalmente tens acesso a muitas dessas mesmas coisas que sabias que tinhas dentro de ti. Estás mais livre. Tu.. finalmente estás a tornar-te.. tu! Existe menos peso e tu sentes que finalmente podes visualizar o mundo que estava à tua frente este tempo todo. Podes finalmente reagir, pensar, agir.. da forma que sabias que sempre farias se não fosse pelas correntes bizarras que sempre colocaram-te em baixo. As correntes que não te permitiam exprimir quem tu eras de verdade. A liberdade, as gargalhadas. Estás mais feliz de forma geral, mesmo apesar de chorares mais. Nada trava as lágrimas e emoções que tu sempre sentiste. A mordaça invisível já não se encontra lá, as pessoas vão te poder ouvir agora. Sabe… tãaaaooo beeeeeeeeeem!

 

É verdade, eu tenho chorado mais de forma geral. Óbvio, mais de tristeza com base nos eventos diários.. mas também lágrimas de alegria! Chorei mais numa semana que no ano de 2016 inteiro.. e estou grata de poder finalmente chorar quando as emoções estão lá. Ainda não estou a tomar estrogênio mas acredito que vou ser uma chorosa assim que chegar a esse ponto.. o que é bom. Eu já sabia que era assim bem lá no fundo.

 

Até mesmo a minha criatividade tem sido influenciada pelo Tratamento Hormonal. Apesar de não ter tido a certeza do que estava a passar-se de mal comigo durante o mês inteiro de Janeiro, devido a não saber o que desenhar e, assim que cheguei a uma decisão, não conseguir reproduzir o estilo de arte que as pessoas já conhecem bem.. eu agora sei porquê. Porque os meus sonhos são diferentes. Eu não sonho as mesmas coisas com que antes sonhava, o que é algo bastante significativo! Porque a criatividade vem dos sonhos, da imaginação, perspectiva, entendimento e estado mental. Se os meus sonhos são diferentes, entre outras coisas, então é óbvio que a artista que antes era.. já não existe!

Eu pensava que ficaria mais triste de perder um talento mas não estou! Eu acho que isto vai ser uma excelente oportunidade para descontrair, encontrar-me de novo como artista e aproveitar e fazer mudanças no meu estilo de arte.

Os meus sonhos tem menos.. acção. Menos violentos. Eu costumava acordar, pensando na razão de estar a sonhar tais coisas. Eu não gostava muito dos meus sonhos. Eram abstractos na sua forma natural, baseado em coisas que nem tinha a certeza. E as coisas que sabia, eu ficava com nojo de mim mesma. As melhores noites foram aquelas pelo qual não sabia o que tinha sonhado, ou sonhos nostálgicos com pessoas pelo qual considerava amigas.

Agora, os meus sonhos são, como disse, com menos acção. Menos violentes. A transição (haaaaa!) entre o dormir e o estar acordada é mais suave, mesmo naquelas noites mais difíceis entre dois dias de trabalho e pelo qual acordo cansada. Nunca mais tive sonhos questionáveis! Apesar de não saber exactamente com o que eu já sonhei em específico, eu sei que os meus sonhos são agora baseados em encontros sociais. Conversas, imaginando pessoas que conheço a encontrarem-se com outras. Ás vezes confrontação e drama, o que transmite um sentimento de incerteza e emergência. Os meus sonhos tem sido.. adoráveis. Calmos. Eu agora adoro sonhar, mesmo sem serem sonhos lúcidos. Para dizer a verdade, nunca mais tive um sonho lúcido desde que comecei o Tratamento Hormonal. Esses eram muito mais frequentes!

 

Eu também tenho partilhado e expressado mais no que diz respeito às coisas que sinto. Não sei exactamente a razão pelo qual me leva a fazer tal mas parte de mim perdeu a vergonha de informar as pessoas acerca de um bom número de coisas. Isso também é bom.. apesar de sentir que talvez esteja a partilhar demais quando digo uma coisa ou outra a certas pessoas. Bem.. não importa. Estou feliz de qualquer forma.

 

Também tem existido algumas mudanças na forma como reajo perante as pessoas de forma geral pelo qual sinto que estejam a fazer algo de errado ou mal contra mim. Claro, mesmo que existem pessoas que não gostam muito de ouvir isto, acaba por ser verdade no meu caso. Estou mais sensível, as palavras tem mais poder agora do que tinham antes e essas mesmas são capazes de causar algum dano.

Eu sempre soube disso, de que era sensível. Algumas palavras, expressões e comportamentos sempre me magoaram de uma forma ou outra. Pessoas, com as suas personalidades, suas intenções. Sempre soube ler as intenções e personalidade de uma pessoa como se fossem um livro aberto. Existe pouca coisa que passa por mim sem eu dar conta. Mesmo sem olhares, mesmo sem ser dito. As palavras não faladas, as coisas que são ditas em vez das que deviam ser. O tom da voz, o comportamento infantil de algumas pessoas quando tentam esconder algo de mim. Eu sempre soube e sempre senti essas coisas.. acreditem. Eu nunca me esqueço e eu tenho capacidade de facilmente fazer as ligações entre eventos e comportamentos que parecem não existirem, como uma teia de aranha com os seus padrões únicos. E foi sempre um erro grave das pessoas pensarem que a minha passividade de forma geral é sinónimo de desatenção. Um erro que até compreendo, devido à minha aparência e maneirismos inocentes, mas nunca foi o caso.

Antes, sempre adoptei uma posição mais lógica, avaliando a situação. Se não fosse a primeira vez que a pessoa tenha feito algo de errado e a pessoa não demonstra-se remorsos, apesar de já não ter amor pela mesma pessoa, eu iria considerar ficar por perto e esperar e ver onde as coisas iriam parar se a pessoa continua-se no mesmo caminho. Por pura curiosidade, ou porque eu queria ficar por perto e ver o inevitável e, talvez, fazer algo com respeito a isso. Ou, se eu mesmo não quisesse mais saber da pessoa depois das coisas ditas e feitas (e não quisesse saber da pessoa para absolutamente nada), abandonar-lhes quanto mais rápido possível. Nunca tive problemas em abandonar pessoas que não gosto completamente. Ou, por alguma razão, mesmo apesar de tudo o que está de errado com a pessoa, a pessoa ser ainda útil para os meus próprios interesses, mantê-la por perto até deixar de ser util. O que é completamente justo, para aqueles que abusam da sua sorte ao maltratarem-me vez após vez.

Mas algo mudou. Estou menos tolerante no que diz respeito às pessoas que maltratam-me. Já não sou capaz de manter a mesma mentalidade que tinha antes. Apesar de manter a mesma habilidade, de ler a personalidade e intenções de uma pessoa de forma fácil (mesmo aqueles que julgam ser espertos. Esses são tão engraçados de lidar… /sarcasmo), eu não consigo me manter calada. Ou, se conseguir manter-me calada, eu de uma forma ou outra demonstro a minha insatisfação ou humor. Incapaz de esconder o que sinto perante uma situação, mesmo em silêncio quando a pessoa está próxima. Não importa quem seja. Existe esta necessidade irracional e emocional que faz com que eu sinta que as pessoas em questão tem de receber uma amostra daquilo que eu sinto, mesmo sem o uso de palavras subtis.. ou sem qualquer palavra!

Para mim, isto é óptimo. Para as pessoas que agem de forma descuidada para comigo.. isto poderá ser más noticias, dependendo do quando a pessoa me valoriza. Temos pena, é o que é.

 

Devido a estas mudanças pelo qual descrevi, existe uma última coisa pelo qual eu quero, urgentemente, relembrar as pessoas pelo qual lido no dia a dia (na vida real).

Independentemente de seres a favor ou contra a minha transição. Independentemente se percebas ou não. Independentemente de me considerares uma mulher que deve ser tratada como qualquer outra ou não. Não importa o que possas crer ou sentir com respeito à minha transição. A verdade é, esta transição está a ocorrer de forma rápida. Especialmente a nível emocional. Se lidas comigo regularmente, a minha sugestão é, se quiseres saber, se é que já não tens isso em mente, seria bom que tivesses consciência plena de que a pessoa que conhecias à um mês ou dois atrás.. está a “morrer” rapidamente.

Muito está a ser alterado e eu sempre notei que a forma de algumas pessoas me tratarem, que sempre o fizeram da mesma forma, já… não funciona. Muito pelo contrário, eu sinto que algumas pessoas se tornaram uma companhia tóxica. Não porque mudaram, mas porque eu mudei. Também não estou a querer dizer que as pessoas têm de me tratar de uma forma bastante diferente, como se fosse uma flor que vai murchar logo que sentir uma brisa a fazer cócegas nas pétalas. Não estou a tornar-me numa pessoa assim tão sensível e seria terrível saber que as pessoas tem medo de fazer até mesmo uma piada inofensiva na minha presença! Mas tenho notado que algumas pessoas falam e agem de uma forma que eu não concordo.. e notar que, logo depois, essas pessoas não sentem qualquer forma de empatia e até têm a lata de pensar que eu tenho de rir de uma piada qualquer que criaram no momento após a chapada bem definida. No passado, eu ignorava mais a situação e aceitaria a piada após a ofensa. Agora não sou capaz de fazer isso. Se me magoaste, sem ironia, não finjas que isso não aconteceu. Não esperes que eu “ignore”, ou que “aceite e cale”. Não o farei, é pessoal. E lembrem-se, eu não esqueço. E eu apenas perdoo as pessoas que sentem remorso genuíno.

E sim, eu sei a diferença entre uma pessoa que está nos seus piores dias e está a “descarregar essa energia negativa” para a pessoa mais próxima.. e uma cabra. O primeiro caso sendo aceitável em muitos casos se for uma ocasião rara, merecendo alguma atenção e palavras ternas. O último caso, por outro lado, é completamente inaceitável. Existe muitas pessoas neste mundo, não existe necessidade de passar demasiado tempo com pessoas que não são compatíveis só para preencher um número fictício de amizades. Uma excelente amizade é melhor que centenas de idiotas que são chamados de amigos só para manter uma falsa sensação de prevenção contra a solidão.

E não, absolutamente ninguém é livre deste lembrete. Não posso ser mais explicita…

Ou poderão chamar a isto de uma fase. É bastante possível que tudo isto não é nada mais que uma “birra” provocada por alguém que entrou numa forma de puberdade. Eu não apostava nisso porque eu até sinto bastante estável, mais do que nunca.

Desde que sejas uma pessoa genuína e honesta, nós iremos nos entender perfeitamente. Sê mentirosa e abusiva para os teus próprios interesses, e eu desaparecerei o mais rapidamente possível. Simples.

 

Eu poderia continuar a descrever outras mudanças a nível psicológico. Mas receio que o que resta é demasiado e confidencial!

 

 

Últimas palavras:

Apesar de não duvidar que existam algumas pessoas que se sintam perturbadas depois daqueles últimos parágrafos, pelo qual peço perdão mas existem algumas pessoas que necessitavam de receber esse lembrete urgente (apesar de todos os avisos que forneci antes do Tratamento Hormonal, visto que já estava a prever estas mudanças a nível psicológico a um quilómetro de distância.. e é impressionante como tem existido um número bastante pequeno de pessoas que acham que estão acima destes avisos. Eles não estão e vão ser relembrados à força, quando for tarde demais), eu espero que tenham gostado e/ou tenham obtido mais conhecimento que necessitavam no que diz respeito ao Tratamento Hormonal.

 

Na minha vida pessoal com a minha família, as coisas tem estado lindamente também! Notar que os meus pais estão a aceitar a minha transição cada vez mais, tomar conhecimento de que o meu pai está finalmente a compreender onde isto irá terminar e o que isso significada para ele como pai.. também aceitando-me. As coisas estão melhores do que eu poderia alguma vez imaginar com respeito aos meus pais, apesar das crenças religiosas que nos separam! Aliás, tão bem que as coisas que pensava ser impossíveis e apenas um sonho.. estão a tornar-se realidade e poderá muito bem acontecer de forma plena, no que diz respeito ao meu relacionamento com a minha família.

Apesar de ter esperado tanto pela minha transição, eu acredito que não foi tudo em vão e sem benefício algum. Este foi o benefício, foi o tempo necessário para a minha família compreender, meditar no que diz respeito a este dilema.. em vez de apressar e não tentar aceitar algumas das exigências religiosas (que nunca iriam resultar de qualquer forma) que apliquei, sem os resultados positivos que esperavam. Eles precisavam de uma prova viva e um exemplo, eles precisavam de fazer a sua pesquisa. Eles precisavam de saber o quanto eu estava a sofrer por não fazer a transição, de forma a que não seria possível existir dúvidas algumas no caminho que escolhi para mim mesma, a melhor solução. Essas coisas levam o seu tempo, mas tem os seus resultados positivos. Paciência, entendimento e alguma humildade. Escolher as palavras certas, disciplina e auto controle, pode suavizar os corações até mesmo dos mais zelosos. Apesar de não ter criado uma “revolução” nesta doutrina religiosa específica, eu ainda fui capaz de ter uma família no fim. E isso é melhor do que qualquer estilo de “revolução” ou “rebelião” criada com ira, egoísmo e falta de empatia por aqueles que pensam de forma diferente, contra a sociedade que os “abandonou”. :’)

 

Eu não sei o que esperar nos próximos 30 dias. Tem existido muitas mudanças e eu acho que as mudanças mais drásticas irão ocorrer mais à frente no processo (talvez no princípio do 4º-5º mês). Também é verdade que, devido à quantidade de mudanças rápidas que tem ocorrido nestes últimos dois meses, estou confiante que o meu corpo está a ser bastante receptível a este tratamento. Abraçando todas as mudanças que a terapia pode fornecer! Nem todas as pessoas Transsexuais tem esse privilégio e eu tenho consciência disso, apesar de muita coisa que poderia ter corrido mal, eu tenho muita sorte! A probabilidade era baixa.. em muitos aspectos. Mas eu sinto estou a fazer uma excelente transição~

Obrigada e vejo-vos no o próximo mês!

 

Pages:

Dear Jehovah Witnesses…

 

(Para quem não sabe ler Inglês, a versão em Português encontra-se no final.)

 

ENGLISH

 

Dear brothers and sisters in faith,

I am writing this open letter to you, filled with emotion, to express my deepest appreciation for everything that Watchtower has provided us. But, what the fuck? Are you serious? Are you kidding me? Are you completely barking mad? Oh sorry, pardon my French… I got a little carried away! Let’s pretend that never happened. It’s easy to simply forget mistakes, you’re professionals at that. Anyway, back to the subject to which I’m writing this lovely letter…

It has come to my attention, from a source that asked another source and that this source informed me that, after I’m done with my transition and when my legal documents are changed in order to reflect the name I’ve chosen for myself and the appropriate gender. If I still hold love for Jehovah and his organization, I could literally start from zero, since my old publisher card carries the old name and biological sex. Get a study, probably getting baptized for the second time in my life.. all sunshine and rainbows, praise Jehovah!

Tempting..

But let’s analise my experience with the Jehovah Witnesses. Allow me to meditate out loud about my nostalgic moments with the Jehovah Witnesses, exposing a little of my background. This could very well be one of the most macabre examples of that one parable, the Prodigal Son. Except, you know, the son is now a daughter. Awkward, I know.

 

I was born within a household/family that are Jehovah Witnesses. When I was born in 1990, my father was already an Elder for nearly 10 years. And may I add that he was part of that one initial generation of Portuguese Jehovah Witnesses, being preached at the age of 11, together with my grandparents when there were no more than nearly 2000 of them in the country back when there was a dictatorship (Salazar, Estado Novo)? There are around 48.000 at the moment. Anyway, this is only to give everyone the idea of the comfortable, established and somehow privileged position my family and I were positioned within the local area’s pecking order. I’ve met very important Jehovah Witnesses within the area we live in. Ate with them on the same table. Talked, laughed, shared words of wisdom, learned.. and so on.

Basically, for those who aren’t Jehovah Witnesses, I was the preacher’s child. Me and my brother, for that matter. But, though he was older, I was the one that advanced in the pecking order first. I “decided” to baptize at the age of 10, being baptized at the age of 11. Why did I used the quotation marks, you may ask? Because, according to what I was taught, baptizing is the most important decision in one’s life. More important than getting married! And last time I’ve checked, people can only get legally married at a much latter age than 11. Yet, the most important decision in my life was made at 10.. and you thought it was a good idea to baptize a child. Good job, though I know I’m not the youngest case. I was the youngest case, however, in this region during my time.

 

My experience with the Jehovah Witnesses has been mixed. On one hand, you have a good number of the people pretending to like you just to score points with my father. On the other hand, you also have the majority of the people around my age thinking that Prince of Persia is Satanic.. but Sex in the City is a good choice for a christian to watch at the local theater (I love to tell this story to people) and trying to ostracize you because you are considered a threat to their own silly goals within the congregation of their choice; though I can’t really blame those since this is pretty much what happens among elders too and we should always follow the example of those who lead! (Oh, I know. I’m not blind. And it’s not some conspiracy or just someone gossiping these things to my ear along the years. I just know. Call it intuition and a nag at reading people’s personality and shady intentions like an open book. Some elders just like to play Game of Thrones).

And then you have those that are genuine when they say they want to serve Jehovah. That genuinely like you. Too bad they never had the chance to know me for who I really am. Now they would had the chance to do so.. but hey, I’m disfellowshipped and they aren’t allowed to talk to me. I really wish I could just blame it all on them and say that they weren’t friends to begin with. But I know they live in fear, fear for what the elders would do to them if they knew that these people, that were once my friends, were talking to me somehow! It’s okay, I’m aware that some of them, to this very day, still care for me. I am saddened that they will never be able to finally get to know me. That all they knew was an incomplete human being, that lacked a fulfilling personality. Even more, I know that some of them actually do support my transition and are hopeful that you, someday, accept people like me into the organization. Because they actually did their research on the issue. But they fear. They fear you. They do not fear Jehovah. Trust me. They just think that there’s a very good reason why you are far behind the current discoveries. They have that hope, I do not.

 

Let’s also evaluate the way that you have dealt with my little predicament here.

So, first, I talk to a special pioneer that I once knew, that has done a few jobs within Portugal’s Betel. He didn’t know the answer to my predicament and told me to “send a letter to Brooklyn” (as in, what was at the time, Watchtower’s/Jehovah Witnesses Headquarters), since I know how to express myself in English. I did, a 7-8 page long letter explaining what I felt, my emotions and what I thought to be the best solution, transitioning. This was way back in 2011. After a month, I get an answer from Brooklyn and share it with the local elders/circuit overseer. I was disappointed with their answer, because it made no sense. The answer wasn’t satisfying, it didn’t solved anything. Though kind words were written on the paper, the justification as to why I was wrong was.. lacking.

So I did my own thing, started carving my own path in order to start my own transition. But I also really wanted to stay within the Jehovah Witnesses, so I said a few silly things to the doctors and that.. made the process difficult. I was naive, I wanted both worlds because I thought, and still firmly believe, that I’m right in what I’m doing. Even more so now, that I’ve started my treatment and feel much better. With room for improvement, obviously. But I already had a taste of what awaits me.. and it’s exactly what I wanted. I am happier, with a more fulfilling personality. I am turning to the girl I knew I always was but couldn’t rightfully bring it forward. Because I was lacking “ingredients”. I am now being given those, little by little. Again, I’m sad that you won’t be able to witness these changes first hand.

Eventually, after 2 years of not going to the meetings and doing my own thing, without any elder bugging me about my inactivity.. I did a mistake. I went to a meeting after so long, and that’s when people started to remember that I existed. And even more, how different I looked! Oh no, the people were shocked.. it’s like the queen of England just passed out, with a tea cup on her hand and falling on the floor, just because she saw someone with tight pants. In short, a bunch of elitist snobs, instead of being glad that I was there in a meeting after soo long, decided to whisper their favorite elders about how odd I looked. It took a week or two for them to come knocking on my door to invite me nicely to the kingdom hall, for a “little chat”. Of course, I was no fool and I knew what it meant. It was a judicial committee.

It was the first judicial committee, I was terrified! I wasn’t ready to be disfellowshipped, even though I knew I was right. So I felt for your demands and wore what you wanted, cut my hair the way you like it. All in two days, just like you asked of me. It was.. traumatizing. And when I went to the meeting, just like you demanded, I was empty. And more, the fake smiles given by some of the local Jehovah Witnesses. Has they greeted me, just to look good on the picture. To get a promotion or for their peers to look at them as examples. Nothing new there, I saw much of that during my childhood and adolescence. Not every Jehovah Witness gets the privilege I once had to go to the Assemblies and District Congresses and have a few random people come to you when your parents are near, with wide smiles and exaggerated gestures, greeting you as if you know them. And having them ask you if you still know them, because, apparently, they greeted you once 5-10 years ago and that means they are somehow relevant enough to be remembered. And that is if they don’t remind you that they once changed your diapers and that, as such, you should totally recognize their name and face! Or greet you and tell you that they are your father’s friend. Empty and void greetings… I know I sound spoiled and ungrateful. But when most people you greeted as a Jehovah Witnesses only smiled and greeted you because of your father, you know that you are nothing more than a dog that people pet just to look like a friendly person towards the owner. They don’t give a shit about the dog, they want the owner’s attention and approval. Some Jehovah Witnesses were like that and I have no sympathy for them.

And let’s not talk about your attempts at masculating me, as a means to “solve” my issue. Yes, let us not talk, for your own sake. It’s embarrassing, it was painful and so many times I had to hold back my words, like a feline holding back the claws that were ready to shred and roast on your ignorance.

But let’s pause for a moment and appreciate the biggest crime you committed here? The thing that really annoyed me? Because the rest I can forgive just by the fact that you are so blind by your own ignorance. But what I can’t forgive is the fact that you took that opportunity, after my commission and, after a week, you decided to strip away my father’s privilege of being an Elder! Don’t play dumb, I know how elders work. It’s Game of Thrones in most congregations and you took advantage of me just to remove my father’s nearly 40 years of work. Yes, because my actions, as an adult, mean that my father has to pay for my crimes. That or you thought that my condition is my father’s fault. Either way, whatever the reason, those are all disgusting and terrible reasons! And once I decided again to do whatever I wanted and ignore your laughable attempts to “aid me”, I brought this up several times. And all the times, you always answered my concerns and outrage with arrogance and out right dismissing my points. Or blaming the “other elders”. Or also getting mad or trying to manipulate the situation to make it seem like I was bringing that issue as if that was a reason why I was rebelling against your will.

No, allow me to explain. That’s not the reason. The reason is simple. I was tired of your shit. I was tired of fake people. I was tired of your political games between elders. I was tired of your ignorance. I was tired of the people that were constantly ostracizing me and my family. Of the gossips. Not every Jehovah Witness is a terrible person.. but some of you are. And some of those lead. And what makes you think that there aren’t people even higher on the pecking order that are just as vile? There probably are, it’s not difficult to imagine. As someone that was born within the organization, for the things I saw.. I am confident when I say that there are people like that in most congregations, Betel’s and even the Watchtower’s HQ.

 

I stopped fearing you. If there’s a god, clearly you don’t speak on his behalf. In fact, I go as far and saying that there’s no human that can talk on behalf of god. So, thank you, Jehovah Witnesses. You are right. Religions are awful. What makes you think you are that different from the others? You pride yourselves in being an organization that seeks the truth at all costs, no matter how unpleasant. Well, I gave you chances to learn more about my predicament, the truth. You tossed the truth aside, as one of the elders said on the second and last judicial committee (15th March 2016), the one I got disfellowshipped: “We don’t care about what science has to say.” Next time you print a magazine that exposes a scientific discovery that somehow fits with your narrative, about butterflies and amazing scenery.. please do remember that you don’t care about what science has to say. So don’t go around saying that some scientists are on your side and then claim that science is bad when it’s convenient.

But thank you Jehovah Witnesses. You taught me a few good things too, so let’s not deny ourselves. There were also a few good Jehovah Witnesses, people that were actually friendly and cared. You taught me to seek the truth, no matter how unpleasant. I still carry that in mind, in everything I do in life. That’s why I followed the path that I saw to be the right one. And the results only confirm that I was right.

You disfellowshipped me, which means that Jehovah Witnesses can’t talk to me, form any sort of social connection (unless business related). I lost connection to all the Jehovah Witnesses but my own family. I am still surprised (but grateful) that I’m allowed to still be able to talk to my family. I have a few theories has to why.. but I don’t care, I just accept and appreciate it as much as I can. The economy sucks and I wouldn’t be able to live on my own with the kind of money I earn. If I had the money, I would find another place to live, trust me. But though I did listed a good number of flaws, I know that you are not cold enough to throw me off the streets with nothing. And I know my place, I respect my parents and keep my thoughts to myself about the organization and my new religious perspective (or lack of). I do believe my parents are in the right organization. They are near their 65’s, they deserve to have a calmer and simpler life from now on. I will always love them and I will always respect their religious believes. Your religious believes.

 

And after all this, after my experience as a Jehovah Witness (and I did touched it quite lightly. I could go into more detail but this passionate letter is already quite long and I still have to translate it), I quote:

It has come to my attention, from a source that asked another source and that this source informed me that, after I’m done with my transition and when my legal documents are changed in order to reflect the name I’ve chosen for myself and the appropriate gender. If I still hold love for Jehovah and his organization, I could literally start from zero, since my old publisher card carries the old name and biological sex. Get a study, probably getting baptized for the second time in my life.. all sunshine and rainbows, praise Jehovah!

.. Right. Tempting but I will have to say that, for now, it is a big no. But it’s okay, I may go to a meeting or two someday. For nostalgia’s sake. As in, to see a few familiar faces from afar.. since I can’t talk to them. And they can’t talk to me either. But at least they’ll know that I’m now happier~

And to those that faint, like the judgmental snobs they are, because of my new appearance.. I’m not there for those so I don’t really care that much if they do faint.

 

But let’s imagine that I accept this.. proposal.

You know, when most of you decided to ignore my very same existence, do you know who was here for me? Not the Jehovah Witnesses.. but the “Worldly People”. Yes, those people you always tell to not befriend with because they will turn you away from Jehovah. The smokers, those from other faiths, LGBT people, those that think differently but love you just the same, etc…

So, when you abandoned me, when I needed you the most, you are telling me that I could join you and start all over.. and then hear from you that all these people that were there for me.. that they are bad people and I need to slowly break my connections with them? OR WAIT, even better, start preaching to them about.. .. .. the truth?

… Yes, I’m laughing. It’s a ridiculous proposal. Call me when you start respecting other people’s opinions and stop micromanaging people’s lives. You just look silly. Considering my own experience with most of the Jehovah Witnesses I’ve met.

 

And, as such, I conclude this public letter with plenty of hugs and kisses.. to those Jehovah Witnesses that actually care. I am fine, don’t worry. Quite fine in fact! I hope you are fine too,

SapphyDe90

 

P.S. Don’t worry! My friend’s list is private. If you fear that people will find out, don’t. From me, they’ll never find out. Unless they are a mutual friend. But, if we go down that path, the other person would only know if they are also part of my friends’ list. So they can’t tell anything unless they want to be told that they are also part of this friends’ list 😉

 

 

 

PORTUGUÊS

 

Queridos irmãos e irmãs espirituais,

Eu estou a escrever esta carta pública para vocês, cheia de emoção, para expressar a minha profunda gratidão por tudo o que a Watchtower tem providenciado para nós. Mas, que raio? Estão a gozar comigo? Estão doidos? Oh desculpem, peço perdão pela minha linguagem ultrajante… estou um pouco sensível! Vamos fingir que eu não escrevi aquilo. É fácil de esquecer as falhas, vocês são profissionais nisso. De qualquer modo, de volta ao tópico pelo qual é a razão de eu estar a escrever esta carta amorosa…

Chegou à minha atenção, através de uma fonte que perguntou a uma outra fonte e que essa fonte tinha informado que eu, depois de completar a minha transição e quando os meus documentos legais reflectirem o nome pelo qual escolhi para mim própria e o género apropriado. Se eu ainda tiver amor por Jeová e a sua organização, eu poderia literalmente começar do zero, visto que o meu antigo cartão de publicadora contém o nome antigo e sexo biológico. Começar um estudo, ser baptizada pela segunda vez na minha vida.. tudo um mar de rosas e arco-iris, louva a Deus!

Hmmm, tentador..

Mas vamos analisar a minha experiência com as Testemunhas de Jeová. Permitem-me que medite em voz alta a nostalgia que eu sinto com respeito aos momentos que tive com as Testemunhas de Jeová, expondo um pouco do meu passado. Isto até poderia ser um exemplo bastante macabro tal e qual como aquela parábola, a do Filho Pródigo. Excepto, claro, o filho agora é uma filha. Esquisito, eu sei.

 

Eu nasci dentro de um lar/família que é Testemunha de Jeová. Quando eu nasci em 1990, o meu pai já era Ancião já quase por 10 anos. E esta é a parte que digo que ele fez parte daquele grupo pequeno inicial de Testemunhas de Jeová em Portugal, tendo aceitado as Testemunhas de Jeová aos 11 anos de idade juntamente com os meus avós, quando não existiam mais de 2000 Testemunhas de Jeová no país no tempo da ditadura (Salazar, Estado Novo). Existem cerca de 48.000 neste momento. De qualquer forma, isto apenas serve para dar a idea às pessoas de que eu e a minha família beneficiava-mos de uma posição confortável, estabelecida e privilegiada dentro da hierarquia local. Tive o prazer que conhecer algumas Testemunhas de Jeová importantes na região que vivo. De comer na mesma mesa que eles. Falar, rir, partilhar palavras inspiradoras, aprender.. etc.

Basicamente, para aqueles que não são Testemunhas de Jeová, eu era a “filha do pastor”. Eu e o meu irmão. Mas, apesar de ele ser mais velho, eu fui a que dei progressos primeiro. Eu “decidi” baptizar-me aos 10 anos de idade, concretizando tal aos 11. E agora perguntam do porquê de colocar aspas. Porque, de acordo com o que aprendi, o baptismo é o passo mais importante na vida de uma pessoa. Mais importante do que casar-se! E a última vez que verifiquei a lei, as pessoas casam-se mais tarde do que com 11 anos de idade (pelo menos de forma legal). No entanto, a decisão mais importante da minha vida foi feita aos 10… e vocês pensaram que seria uma excelente idea baptizar uma criança. E eu não sou a pessoa mais jovem que o fez. Mas eu fui o caso mais jovem na minha região durante o meu tempo.

 

A minha experiência com as Testemunhas de Jeová tem sido mista. Por um lado, existem um bom número de pessoas que fingem gostar de ti só para parecerem bem para o meu pai. Por outro lado, tens jovens da minha geração a debaterem que o Príncipe da Pérsia é satânico.. mas que O Sexo e a Cidade é uma boa escolha para um cristão ver no cinema (Eu adoro contar esta história para as pessoas) e tentarem por-me de parte e a espalhar rumores só porque consideraram-me uma ameaça para os seus alvos espirituais dentro da congregação de escolha; apesar de não poder lhes culpar muito porque isto é o que acontece dentro de muitas congregações entre os anciãos também e nós devemos seguir o exemplo daqueles que estão acima! (Oh, eu sei. Não sou cega. E isto não é apenas uma conspiração ou alguém a espalhar rumores deste estilo para os meus ouvidos ao longo dos anos. Eu simplesmente sei. Chama-lhe de intuição e uma afinidade para enxergar personalidades e intenções obscuras das pessoas como se fossem um livro aberto. Alguns anciãos simplesmente gostam de brincar à Guerra dos Tronos).

E depois tens aqueles que são genuínos quando dizem que querem servir a Jeová. Que genuinamente gostam de ti. Infelizmente eles nunca terão prazer de me conhecer por aquilo que realmente sou. Agora poderia ter oportunidade de tal.. mas pronto, estou desassociada e eles não podem falar comigo. Eu gostaria imenso de poder culpar tudo neles e afirmar que eles nunca foram meus amigos de verdade. Mas eu sei que eles vivem com medo, medo do que os anciãos fariam se soubessem que alguém, dentro dessas amizades, poderiam estar a falar comigo! Não há problema, eu sei que alguns deles, até ao dia de hoje, ainda se preocupam comigo. Fico triste que eles nunca poderão me conhecer de verdade. Que tudo o que conheciam de mim era apenas uma pessoa incompleta, sem personalidade. Ainda mais, eu sei que alguns deles até estão de acordo com a minha transição e tem esperança de que vocês, algum dia, aceitem pessoas como eu na organização. Porque eles fizeram a sua pesquisa. Mas eles tem medo. Tem medo de vocês. Eles não tem medo de Deus. Acreditem em mim. Eles apenas pensam que existe uma boa razão pelo qual estão muito atrás no que diz respeito às descobertas mais recentes. Eles tem essa esperança, eu não.

 

Vamos também avaliar a forma como vocês lidaram com a minha situação.

Primeiro, eu falei com um pioneiro especial que antes conhecia, que já fez alguns trabalhos no Betel em Portugal. Ele não tinha resposta e aconselhou-me a “enviar uma carta para Brooklyn” (o que era, na altura, a sede das Testemunhas de Jeová/Watchtower), visto que sabia expressar-me em Inglês. Eu escrevi, 7-8 páginas a descrever o que sentia, as minhas emoções e o que seria a melhor solução para o meu problema, a transição. Isto foi em 2011. Depois de um mês, eu recebi a resposta deles e partilhei-a com os anciãos locais e o surpreendente de circuito na altura. Fiquei decepcionada com a resposta deles, porque não fazia sentido. A resposta não era satisfatória, não resolvia nada. Apesar das palavras amorosas, a justificação do porquê estar errada era.. fraca.

Por isso fiz aquilo que quis, comecei a andar no meu próprio caminho para começar a minha própria transição. Mas eu também queria imenso continuar a ser Testemunha de Jeová, por isso disse coisas aos médicos que me arrependo.. pelo qual fez com que o processo complicasse um pouco (neste caso, o diagnóstico). Eu fui ingénua, eu queria ambos os mundos porque pensei, e continuo a pensar firmemente, que estou certa naquilo que estou a fazer. Ainda mais agora, que já comecei o tratamento e já sinto alguns dos efeitos positivos. Claro, ainda mais tem que acontecer. Mas já senti o suficiente para saber que foi uma excelente decisão! Estou mais feliz, com uma personalidade mais completa. Estou a tornar-me na rapariga que sempre soube que era mas que nunca conseguia demonstrar. Porque faltavam “ingredientes”. Agora os ingredientes estão a ser fornecidos, aos poucos. De novo, fico triste de que não vão poder presenciar estas mudanças ao vivo.

Após 2 anos de não ir às reuniões e de fazer as coisas à minha maneira, sem nenhum ancião a chatear-me com respeito à minha inactividade.. eu cometi um erro. Eu fui a uma reunião após tanto tempo, e isso fez com que as pessoas começassem a lembrar que eu existia. E ainda mais, o quão diferente eu estava! Oh não, as pessoas estavam chocadas.. pareciam a rainha de Inglaterra com uma chávena de chá na mão e a falecer, caindo no chão, só porque a rainha viu alguém com calças mais apertadas. Em poucas palavras, um grupo de elitistas pretensiosos, em vez de ficarem contentes pelo facto de estar lá após tanto tempo, decidiram cochichar com os seus anciãos favoritos com respeito à minha aparência “estranha”. Demorou apenas uma semana ou duas para eles virem bater à minha porta para me convidarem cordialmente para o salão do reino, para uma “conversa”. Claro, não sou parva e eu sabia muito bem o que aquilo significava. Era um comitê judicial.

Foi a primeira vez que estava a ser julgada daquela forma, tive muito medo! Não estava pronta para ser desassociada, apesar de saber que tinha razão. Por isso cedi às exigências e vesti o que queriam que eu vestisse, cortei o cabelo da maneira que vocês gostam. Tudo num espaço de dois dias, tal e qual como pediram. Foi.. traumatizante. E depois quando fui para a reunião, como tinham exigido, senti vazia. E ainda mais, os sorrisos falsos que algumas Testemunhas de Jeová deram. Quando me cumprimentavam, só para parecer bem para a foto. Para receberem uma promoção ou aprovação das outras Testemunhas de Jeová. Isso não é novidade, eu vi muito disso durante a minha infância e adolescência. Não são todas as Testemunhas de Jeová que tem o privilégio que eu tive de ir a Assembleias e Congressos de Distrito e ter pessoas estranhas a vir ter contigo quando os pais estão por perto, com aqueles sorrisos largos e gestos exagerados, cumprimentarem-te como se conhecem de algum lado. E depois terem eles a perguntarem-te se ainda os conheces, porque, aparentemente, tu fizeste o mesmo com aquela pessoa à uns 5-10 anos atrás e isso significa que são pessoas assim tão relevantes para serem relembradas. E é se não disserem que mudaram as tuas fraldas e que, como tal, devias totalmente reconhecer o nome e a cara delas! Ou cumprimentam e dizem que são amigos do teu pai. Comprimentos fúteis e vazios… Eu sei, pareço uma mimada ingrata. Mas quando tens pessoas a cumprimentarem-te como Testemunhas de Jeová, apenas a sorrirem e a cumprimentarem-te por causa do teu pai, tu sabes que não és nada mais de que um animal de estimação pronta para receber festinhas só para parecerem pessoas simpáticas à frente do dono. Eles não querem saber do animal, eles querem é a atenção e aprovação do dono. Algumas Testemunhas de Jeová eram assim e eu não sinto nada por elas.

E vamos nem tentar falar das tentativas que fizeram para masculinizar-me, como “solução” para os meus problemas. Sim, não vamos falar disso, só para não esconderem as vossas cabeças na areia com vergonha. Sim, vergonhoso, doloroso e tantas vezes que tive que aguentar as minhas palavras, como felina a conter as minhas garras que estavam prontas para desfazer ou escarnecer a vossa ignorância.

Mas vamos fazer uma pequena pausa por um momento e apreciar o maior crime que cometeram, okay? Aquilo que realmente me chateou? Porque tudo o resto, eu até posso perdoar só pelo facto de estarem tão cegos com a vossa própria ignorância. Mas o que não posso perdoar é o facto de que aproveitaram-se desta situação e, após uma semana depois da minha comissão, vocês decidem retirar o privilégio do meu pai como Ancião! Não tentem fazer-se de parvinhos, eu sei como os anciãos são. É como a Guerra dos Tronos em algumas congregações e vocês aproveitaram-se desta minha situação só para remover o cargo que o meu pai teve e amava e pelo qual trabalhou por quase 40 anos. Sim, porque aquilo que faço, como pessoa adulta, significa que o meu pai tem de pagar pelos meus crimes. Isso ou porque culparam o meu pai pela minha condição. De qualquer modo, seja qual for a razão, foi um acto nojento e horrível! E quando decidi voltar a fazer aquilo que queria e ignorar as vossas ridículas tentativas de “ajuda”, eu levantei essa questão várias vezes. E todas as vezes, vocês responderam às minhas preocupações e ultraje.. com arrogância ou por simplesmente ignorarem aquilo que dizia. Ou por culparem “outros anciãos”. Ou por ficarem também zangados ou tentarem manipular a situação para fazer com que eu fosse aquela que estava a relembrar do assunto só para ter uma justificação para me rebelar contra vocês.

Não, permitem-me que explique. Essa não foi a razão. A razão é simples. Estava cansada da vossa merda. Estava cansada das pessoas falsas. Estava cansada dos vossos jogos politicos entre anciãos. Estava cansada da vossa ignorância. Estava cansada das tentativas das pessoas em tentar difamar a mim e à minha família. Dos cochichos. Nem todas as Testemunhas de Jeová são pessoas terríveis.. mas alguns de vocês são. E algumas dessas lideram. O que vos faz pensar que não existem pessoas com posições mais elevadas na hierarquia que são exactamente assim tão ruins? É muito provável que existam, não é difícil de imaginar. Visto que sou uma pessoa que nasceu dentro da organização, pelas coisas que vi.. estou confiante quando digo que existem pessoas desse género dentro de muitas congregações, Betel’s e até mesmo na sede.

 

Eu deixei de ter medo de vocês. Se existe um Deus, claramente vocês não são o porta voz dele. Aliás, eu até vou mais longe e digo que não existe humano nenhum que fale por Deus. Portanto, obrigada, Testemunhas de Jeová. Vocês tem razão quando dizem que as religiões são todas horríveis. Mas o que vos faz pensar que são assim tão diferentes das outras? O vosso orgulho em serem a organização que se preocupa com a verdade a todos os custos, não importa o quão desagradável. Bem, eu dei uma chance para aprenderem mais com respeito a situações como a minha, a verdade. Vocês não quiseram saber da verdade, como um dos anciãos disse no segundo e último comitê judicial (15 de Março de 2016), aquele pelo qual fui desassociada: “Nós não queremos saber do que a ciência diz.” Para a próxima vez que imprimirem uma revista que expõe o progresso cientifico que, por coincidência, vos é conveniente, acerca de borboletas e cenários lindos da natureza.. por favor lembrem-se de que vocês não querem saber do que a ciência diz. Portanto não estejam a dizer que os cientistas concordam com vocês e que é prova de que tem razão.. e depois, ao mesmo tempo, dizem que a ciência é má quando diz as coisas que não gostam.

Mas obrigada, Testemunhas de Jeová. Vocês ensinaram-me algumas coisas boas, portanto não vamos eludir-mos. Existiram algumas Testemunhas de Jeová boas, pessoas que foram simpáticas e que se preocuparam. Vocês ensinaram a amar a verdade, não importa o quão dolorosa seja. Eu ainda tenho isso em mente, em tudo aquilo que faço. Por isso é que segui o caminho que vi ser o correcto. E os resultados apenas confirmam ainda mais o quão certa estou.

Vocês desassociaram-me, o que significa que as Testemunhas de Jeová não podem falar comigo, formar qualquer ligação social (a não ser por razões de negócio. Que conveniente). Eu perdi a minha ligação com todas as Testemunhas de Jeová, excepto a minha família. Ainda estou surpreendida (mas grata) de que tenho permissão para falar com a minha família. Eu tenho algumas teorias da razão pelo qual isso seja possível.. mas não quero saber, eu simplesmente aceito a aprecio aquilo que tenho o máximo que posso. A economia está mal e eu não conseguiria viver por conta própria com base no meu salário actual. Se tivesse dinheiro, eu moraria noutro local, acreditem. Mas apesar de ter descrito um bom número de falhas da vossa parte, eu sei que vocês não são frios o suficiente para atirar-me fora de casa para viver na rua sem nada. E eu sei o meu lugar nesta situação, eu respeito os meus pais e mantenho os meus pensamentos para comigo própria acerca da organização e a minha nova perspectiva religiosa (ou falta dela, neste caso). Eu acredito que os meus pais estão na organização certa. Eles estão perto dos seus 65 anos, eles merecem ter uma vida mais calma e simples a partir daqui. Eu sempre irei amar os meus pais e eu sempre irei respeitar as crenças deles. As vossas crenças.

 

E depois disto tudo, depois da minha experiência como Testemunha de Jeová (e eu não detalhei tudo. Eu podia continuar a dar ainda mais detalhes mas esta carta cheia de ternura já está a ficar exaustiva e eu estou a traduzir isto tudo para Português. Sim, escrevi primeiro em Inglês), eu relembro:

Chegou à minha atenção, através de uma fonte que perguntou a uma outra fonte e que essa fonte tinha informado que eu, depois de completar a minha transição e quando os meus documentos legais reflectirem o nome pelo qual escolhi para mim própria e o género apropriado. Se eu ainda tiver amor por Jeová e a sua organização, eu poderia literalmente começar do zero, visto que o meu antigo cartão de publicadora contém o nome antigo e sexo biológico. Começar um estudo, ser baptizada pela segunda vez na minha vida.. tudo um mar de rosas e arco-iris, louva a Deus!

.. Uh-uh. Muito tentador mas, por enquanto, é um grande não. Mas não se preocupem, eu poderei ir a uma reunião ou duas algum dia destes. Para matar saudades. Ou seja, para ver umas caras familiares de longe.. visto que não posso falar com eles. E eles não podem falar comigo. Mas ao menos poderão ficar descansados ao ver que estou mais feliz~

E para aqueles que desmaiarem, visto serem elitistas preconceituosos, devido à minha nova aparência.. eu não estou lá para eles portanto tanto me faz se caírem ao chão com tanto escândalo.

 

Mas vamos imaginar que eu aceito esta.. proposta.

Sabem, quando vocês decidiram ignorar a minha própria existência, vocês sabem quem esteve lá para mim? Não foram as Testemunhas de Jeová.. mas as “Pessoas do Mundo”. Sim, essas pessoas pelo qual vocês estão sempre a dizer para não formar amizades porque eles vão nos desviar de Jeová. Os fumadores, aqueles com outra fé, as pessoas LGBT, aqueles que pensam de maneira diferente da vossa, etc…

Portanto, quando vocês me abandonaram, quando eu precisava mais de vocês, agora vocês estão a dizer que eu poderia voltar e começar tudo de novo.. e depois ouvir de vocês que todas as pessoas que estiveram comigo.. que elas são más pessoas e que eu preciso de quebrar a minha ligação com elas? OU MELHOR, começar a pregar a elas.. .. .. acerca da verdade?

 

… Sim, estou a rir. É ridículo essa proposta. Chamem-me quando começarem a respeitar a opinião das outras pessoas e quando pararem de micro manejar a vida das pessoas. Parecem um pouco tolos, digo eu. Considerando a minha experiência pessoal com muitas Testemunhas de Jeová que conheci.

 

E, assim, concluo esta carta pública com muitos abraços e beijinhos.. para aquelas Testemunhas de Jeová que realmente se preocupam. Eu estou bem, não se preocupem. Muito bem, para dizer a verdade! Eu espero que também estejam,

SapphyDe90

 

P.S. Não se preocupem. A minha lista de amigos está em privado. Se tem medo das pessoas descobrirem, não tenham. De mim, nunca irão descobrir. A não ser que seja amizade em comum. Mas isso, se vamos por aí, a outra pessoa só poderia saber se também estivesse na minha lista de amizades. Logo não poderão dizer nada sem que vocês digam que eles também estão na minha lista de amizades 😉

Pages: